1. Conflict Management Presented by: Bill Taylor University of Wyoming Cooperative Extension Service Northeast Area Community Development Educator

3. Conflict is natural, inevitable and necessary ! Conflict creates tensionand pressurefor changeand all change creates some conflict.

4. What happens during a conflict? Emotions rise. Communication decreases and becomes more indirect (triangulation) Opponents are demonized Sides are taken; camps are formed in the organization Issues become blurred and new issues added

5. What happens during a conflict? (cont.) Differences are magnified; similarities minimized Competitive processes (including rigid commitments and dirty tricks) are increasingly employed Stop helping, attempt to avoid the situation

6. Benefits to Conflict Identify problems that need to be solved Bring about change Change the way we think about things Help clarify our purpose, what’s important to us or the organization.

7. Benefits to Conflict (cont.) Personal and group leadership development Organizational/interpersonal growth and commitment Creative decision making Others?

8. What percentage of conflict, in your experience, has resulted in a positive outcome? 75-100% 50-75% 25-50% 0-25%

9. Continuum of Approaches to Conflict Nonviolent Action Administrative Arbitration Inaction Facilitation Judicial Negotiation Mediation Legislative Violence Increasing Formality & 3rd Party Influence

10. Potential responses to conflict Do nothing: Yield (and change their beliefs) Yield (and retain their beliefs) Stonewall/Avoidance Exit (flight)

11. Potential responses to conflict (cont.) Fight (exercise power): Guerrilla warfare: Looks like doing nothing, but isn't Open warfare

12. Potential responses to conflict (cont.) Negotiate: Contend. Try to win; defeat the other side Compromise. Split the difference; find the middle Problem Solve. Look for new solutions which address the concerns of all parties

13. Potential responses to conflict (cont.) Seek Assisted Negotiation: Use a third party to aid in finding a mutually agreeable solution to a shared problem Mediation Fact finder Ombudsman

14. Potential responses to conflict (cont.) Rely on a third party decision maker Supervisor Arbitrator Court

15. Social Transformation of Conflict Personal Antagonism Shift from non-personal, external disagreement to the other person being seen as the problem

16. Social Transformation of Conflict Issue Proliferation “I don’t like your horse either !” “You slighted me back in 1975?” Antagonism moves from specific to general

17. Social Transformation of Conflict Triangulation Problem Talk about, not with

18. Did you say what I heard?

20. Overly protective or defensive emotional responses by self or others

22. Tools to reduce structural factors Simplify the message Combine messages and show linkages Active listening Ask speaker to restate message in different words Ask open-ended questions Put unrelated messages “in the bin” Others?

25. Those who grew up in nurturing environments may interpret explosiveness as hostility and recoil from a hostile person

27. Tools to reduce social factors Awareness Encourage collaborative behavior Address stereotypes Draw silent parties out Speak directly with decision-maker Provide neutral data source Make base line explicit Others?

28. Open Questions Examples: Probing questions: Ask for more info Clarifying: Sharpen your understanding of what has been said Justifying: ask for evidence for the view they’ve expressed Consequential: reality testing, ask about potential solutions or look at potential consequences

29. Reframing Definition: responding to the speaker in a way that validates what they are feeling but also helps them move forward. “Her desk is a mess!” Reframed: “One issue is how neat the office should be.” “I don’t want anyone trespassing on my property.” Reframed: “Property boundaries are an issue.”

30. Other Listening Tools Paraphrase Take notes Demonstrate that you hear what they are saying

31. Hostile/abusive behavior “[H]ostile/abusive behavior [differs] from angry behavior [in that] hostile/abusive behavior is intended, consciously or unconsciously to have some or all of the following effects: Put you off balance. Manipulate and control you. Demean you in some way. Cause you to feel guilty. Intimidate you.

32. Twelve Steps for dealing with hostility Deal with feelings first. Avoid coming across as bureaucratic. Recognize that each situation is different. Strive to control the interaction. Begin defusing early. Be assertive, not aggressive or passive. If you lose control of yourself, you lose, period. What you focus on, you get more of.

33. Twelve Steps for dealing with hostility (Cont.) Don’t supply ammunition. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear answers to. Avoid inadvertent errors. Avoid high risk, high gain behavior.

34. Conflict resolution styles worksheet * Worksheet: Conflict Resolution Styles; 5 minutes

35. Which method do you tend to use with followers? Avoidance Accommodating Win/Lose Compromising Problem Solving

36. Which method do you tend to use with peers? Avoidance Accommodating Win/Lose Compromising Problem Solving

37. Which method do you tend to use with supervisors? Avoidance Accommodating Win/Lose Compromising Problem Solving

38. CARP C: Control A: Acknowledge R: Refocus P: Problem Solve

39. Step 1: Initiating and Taking Control First impressions: Eye contact Pay attention Posture Positive and friendly tone of voice Greeting (if other party does the initiating) Keep it short Develop rapport Get and use their name

40. Step 2: Acknowledge Ask what happened. Address their apparent emotions: Acknowledgement. Empathy. Collect information (use active listening). Give an apology if the facts warrant (but don’t give ammunition).

41. Step 3: Refocus the conversation Think about the language you use initially Use cooperative rather than competitive language (but don’t make unintended promises). Use “we” (except where it makes no sense). Use appropriate tone and word stress Avoid repeating hot words and phrases. Replace some statements (“We can’t…”) with questions (“How do you see us doing this under our existing rules?”).

42. Step 3: Refocus the Conversation (CONT.) Use verbal self-defense to re-establish control: Use surprise (in tone and content). Ask a “when” question (move speaker from the general to the specific). Use a neutral (mechanical) tone (generalize and paraphrase without comment or agreement). Engage in a topic-grab, taking something neutral the speaker says (e.g. number of children) and comment on it or ask a question.

43. Step 3: Refocus the Conversation (CONT.) Physically move to their side (dance of conflict) Now you are facing the problem together Act like a broken record (repeating one or two short sentences until the angry person starts to hear you). Be silent. Say “you’re right”—find something in the tirade you can agree to (but again, do not give ammunition).

44. Step 4: Problem Solve Give options. This allows subjects to feel they are in charge of their question. In “teaching you, they may teach themselves”—by letting them generate options subject to both sides’ interests and requirements, subjects gain a better perspective on why they have received a “no” so far. The subject and you may create an option that satisfies both sides.

45. Dealing with the public * Handout: Diffusing Public Anger; review; 5 minutes

46. Kinds of Power Exploitive Manipulative Competitive Nutritive Collaborative

47. Which power do you use most often? Exploitive Manipulative Competitive Nutritive Collaborative Exploitive

48. Which power is most often used over you? Exploitive Manipulative Competitive Nutritive Collaborative Competitive

49. Will collaborative conflict resolution work? Yes No

51. The dispute is not over constitutional rights or societal values

52. There are enough diverse issues to provide opportunities for trade-offs

54. There is relative power balance between the parties (i.e. nobody can dictate the outcome)

55. A continuing relationship is likely

56. There is a realistic time deadline

59. Do use only “I” statements, not “you” statements

60. Do use symbolic gestures to show your sincerity – hand shake, call, card, etc.

61. Do put yourself in their shoes – (What are they feeling? Why? What are their needs?)

62. Don’t deduce their intention from your fears

63. Don’t blame them for your problem

65. Don’t reveal statements made in confidence to the facilitator – the neutral party

66. Don’t use names or derogatory personal statements

67. Do have everyone participate actively

68. Do allow each person to speak

69. Do give spokesmen authority to speak for their groups

71. Focus on interests, not positions

72. Invent options for mutual gain

74. Step 2: Focus on Interests, Not Positions Interests = party’s goals Positions = means to accomplish interests

75. Positions “There will be no pets in this house” “He wants $100,000 for the house but I won’t pay a penny more than $95,000.” “We won’t negotiate until the protests stop.”

76. Identifying Interests Ask “Why?” Ask “Why not?” Each side has multiple interests. Talk about interests. Acknowledge their interests are part of the issue.

77. Discuss Issues, Interests Address the problem before the answer. Look forward, not back. Be concrete on facts, interests, issues Be flexible on position. Be hard on the problem – soft on people

78. Handling problem people * Handout: Handling Problem People; review; 5 minutes References: Coping With Difficult People by Bramson Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, Heen

79. Step 3: Generate a variety of options More options, more likely to find a win-win solution

80. Inventing Options 4 obstacles Premature judgment Searching for the single answer Assumption of a fixed pie “Solving their problem is their problem.”

81. Inventing Options (cont.) Separate inventing from deciding Use brainstorming to produce many ideas Before brainstorming Define your purpose Choose a few participants or break into small groups Change the environment Design informal atmosphere Choose facilitator

82. Inventing Options (cont.) During brainstorming Seat side-by-side – facing the problem Clarify ground rules, including no criticism Brainstorm Record ideas in full view After brainstorming Discuss pluses & minuses of each idea Star most promising ideas Invent improvements of promising ideas Set time to evaluate ideas and decide which to pursue

83. Inventing Options (cont.) Broaden your options Look through eyes of different experts Invent agreements of different strengths Change scope of proposed agreement

84. Inventing Options (cont.) Look for mutual gain Identify shared interests Dovetail differing interests Ask for their preferences

85. Inventing Options (cont.) Make their decision easy Put yourself in their shoes Give them answer that makes it easy for them to make a decision favorable to you Don’t make threats Do what you can to improve the consequences for them

86. Inventing Options (cont.) Make their decision easy (cont.) Help them see consequences of “yes” and “no” BATNA – Best Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement Parties need to be aware of what will be their best outcome if no agreement can be reached How prepared are you to settle for your BATNA? How much impetus does this give you to find an agreement? What will be the BATNA of the other parties?

87. Step 4: Use Objective Criteria Insist on using objective criteria Materials/ideas presented as fact must be substantiated Find sources of unbiased information Technical experts Technical review teams

88. Fair Processes Majority rule Take turns Share Binding arbitration Consensus

89. Final Bargaining and Agreement Caution: During final negotiation – parties will often revert to traditional styles Slow the process down Remind each other of fair standards and criteria Take turns playing “devil’s advocate” Ask “What if…?”

90. Workable agreements * Handout: Workable Agreements; review; 2 minutes

91. Turning Adversaries into Partners “Your goal is not to win over them, to win them over.” – Getting Past No Five Steps Go to the balcony Step back Don’t try to control them, control yourself Reflect on the alternatives Don’t react

92. Turning Adversaries into Partners (cont.) Five steps (cont.) Step to their side Conflict dance – literally step to their side, avoid facing off Defuse their anger, fear, hostility, suspicion Don’t attack, listen Try to take their side in as many ways as possible

94. What if we were to…?Don’t reject, reframe

96. Help them save face and have some victoryDon’t push, make it easy for them to move your direction

98. Ask reality testing questions, warn but don’t threaten

100. THIS WORKSHOP… Provided new information Reinforced what I already knew Provided no new information

101. HOW MUCH KNOWLEDGE DID YOU GAIN? A lot A moderate amount Some Not much None

102. MY ATTENDANCE TODAY MOTIVATED ME TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. A lot A moderate amount Some Not much None

103. * Please complete printed evaluation form Leave at seat or at front. Any questions/comments?