1. PSYCHOTHERAPY: THEORY, RESEARCH, AND PRACTICE
VOLUME 5, #4, DECEMBER, 1968
LOVE VERSUS OMNIPOTENCE: THE NARCISSISTIC DILEMMA
HARRY BOYD
Veterans Administration Hospital
Oklahoma City
In this paper I would like to explore some tion, many authors have described characteris-
ideas and speculations which have, more or tic patterns of behavior which seem to fit the
less, forced themselves into my awareness as a concept of narcissism as it is considered in
therapist and a human being struggling with this paper. For instance, the concepts of om-
the problem of maturing. In particular, cer- nipotence and magical thinking, which I
tain fantasies or expectations which seem to would consider as belonging under the rubric
characterize many of my patients, and which of narcissism, have been discussed in a
have manifested themselves in my own life, wide variety of contexts (Pumpian-Mindlin
appear to have implications for understanding (1965; W. F. Murphy 1965). Freud and
the treatment process and for understanding subsequent authors have related these topics
the problems in living which face all of us. to the narcissistic stage of development. Searles
The two centers about which these fantasies (op. cit.) and Kaiser (1965) have referred,
seem to revolve include fusion-incorporation, in somewhat different language, to a fantasy
as described by Searles (1951), and limitless of fusion or incorporation, a fantasied sym-
omnipotence. Both of these fantasies, I be- biotic and primitive relationship between peo-
lieve, have their origin in the narcissistic ple whose model is the mother-child relation-
struggle of infancy. ship in early infancy.
The problem of narcissism has been rela- The twin fantasies of fusion-incorporation
tively ignored in the literature of psychother- and limitless omnipotence appear to be pres-
apy, although it was considered by Freud ent in a wide variety of kinds of people, re-
(1914) to pose a central concern for psycho- gardless of the apparent kind of character
therapy. Perhaps the knowledge that the structure. At times I have wondered if the at-
"narcissistic neuroses" were held by Freud to tempt to preserve the integrity of the uncon-
be untreatable has discouraged the investiga- scious fantasy of omnipotence does not make
tion of narcissism within the "transference necessary the subsequent development of neu-
neuroses." It certainly appears that many rotic character structure. In this sense, one
theorists, such as Federn (1952) and Fenichel could speculate that the roots of most (or at
(1945), have assumed that an "either/or" re- least many) patterns of neurotic life style are
lationship exists between the transference neu- grounded in narcissistic fantasies and expecta-
roses and the narcissistic neuroses, and have tions. Since the narcissistic period is the most
thus tended to ignore the usefulness of the primitive of the developmental stages, a dis-
concept of narcissism in the understanding of turbance on this level could be expected to
the "transference neuroses." Freud, however, have far-reaching effects on subsequent devel-
explicitly states that there is ". . . a certain re- opment and adult behavioral patterns. I am
ciprocity between ego-libido and object li- primarily interested, as a therapist, in the na-
bido" (1914). Thus one could expect certain ture and content of the interpersonal behavior
evidence of narcissistic functioning in any of people trapped in the confines of narciss-
type of neurotic development and for these ism. Therefore, it seems appropriate to begin
narcissistic remnants to play an active part in by exploring the interpersonal developmental
the interaction between therapist and patient. history of the narcissistic way of life.
Although rarely, if ever, is explicit refer- A very early picture of the relatedness be-
ence made to their origin in a narcissistic fixa- tween the child and his world must include
272

2. LOVE VERSUS OMNIPOTENCE: T H E NARCISSISTIC DILEMMA 273
the child's learning to value mastery or con- thus incompletely experienced by itself, and
trol as a means of insuring gratification. The the child has not received adequate gratifica-
small child meets frustration with screams of tion and is thus incomplete. The failure to
denial of the right of the world to impinge on achieve an integrated and valued self is rarely
him. The fortunate child is surrounded by experienced, I believe, as the fault of the par-
enough love and acceptance that he is able oc- ents, but rather that the person himself feels
casionally to forego immediate gratification inadequate or lacking in some mysterious,
for the sake of slightly delayed but greater dimly understood but nonetheless awful way,
gratification, and, in this way, is gradually and for this lack, in the back of his mind, he
able to give up the assumption of an omnipo- feels a terrible shame. In adults I have seen in
tent and symbiotic relationship with his world therapy, this shame is usually connected with
in favor of learning more adequate mastery by a feeling of isolation and loneliness, as if the
recognition of the limits of his autonomy. To person were somehow basically bad or shame-
put it another way, he had developed enough ful and undeserving of human respect and
confidence in the long-range benevolence of love. The denied and repressed "bad me"
the people around him that he can at times struggles toward awareness and makes the
tolerate delays; he trades the comforting but conscious "good" and partial self aware of its
incorrect assumption of an omnipotence which own dishonesty.
promises total passive gratification now for a This is not to say that such an attitude will
more frightening recognition of a real world often be stated in so many words. Neurotic
outside himself which imposes limitation and people are, of course, notorious for the wide
pain but which offers opportunities for ac- variety of ways in which they attempt to deny
tively taking gratification. Essentially, it is or conceal their feelings, even from themselves,
the confidence of the child in the benevolence and this is especially true of the feeling of
of the world (i.e., his parents) which provides deep shame. But, nevertheless, I believe that
sufficient positive motivation for him to move the sense of shame and dishonesty, of over-
from passive, omnipotent symbiosis to a more whelming guilt for their own incompleteness
active attempt to manipulate the world as and loneliness, characterizes their self concept.
something separate from himself. Such people are sometimes more comfortable
The less fortunate child, faced with a world if they can assign their shame not to them-
of inconsistent performers (i.e., his mother) selves in totality but to some fragmented and
who have made it impossible for him to de- unaccepted or ego-dystonic aspect of their be-
velop confidence in long-range gratification, havior or being. From my standpoint, this
tends to cling to a cherished world of passive limited shame is what is frequently referred to
omnipotence, the model for which he has ex- when the word "guilt" is used. Thus, guilt of
perienced as the symbiotic mother-infant rela- this kind appears defensively as an attempt to
tionship. The child, in effect, rebuilds the cope with shame, or the total devaluation of
world according to his needs and attempts to the self, which is a kind of death.
deny all evidence that he is subject to a real Thus, the dilemma in which the neurotic
world in which he is limited, weak and ungra- and narcissistic person is caught involves his
tified. He can hold on to the remembered frag- attempt to achieve with others a fantasied om-
ments of good and gratifying relationships, nipotence and limitlessness which is totally
present in almost any relationship, no matter impossible to attain after infancy (if it is at-
how bad, in an attempt to form a self who has tainable even then). The tragic consequence is
experienced acceptance and love and is thus that such striving and denial of real and per-
loveable and acceptable to the world. Other sonal limits makes impossible the attainment
interactions between himself and significant of more limited, but nevertheless potentially
others which were frightening or overwhelm- rewarding, involvement or engagement with
ing are denied or repressed. The child is thus the real interpersonal world. This is the nar-
more or less aware of a feeling of incomplete- cissistic dilemma, and it appears to lie at the
ness, which is reinforced by two elements: core of a great many neurotic ways of life.
The self itself is inadequately accepted and This dilemma has to do with the relationship

3. 274 HARRY BOYD
between man and his personal universe, and kinds of pain means to accept to some degree
thus, in Frankl's (1959) term, is noetic. a limit exerted by the nature of the world, and
What is the consequence in the interper- such acknowledgement may thus be intolera-
sonal life of the adult who clings to the fan- ble. To avoid the awareness of this pain, he
tasy of omnipotence and Hmitlessness? What may develop a number of techniques, depend-
does it mean for the adult to be unable to ac- ing on his family and developmental history
cept or even acknowledge personal limitations past infancy, all of which have in common the
or boundedness? To answer these questions refusal to give up the fantasy of omnipotence.
we must first consider what limitations there One person, for instance, may fight his fear
really are on interpersonal relationships. We via reaction formation, by which means he as-
all know, for instance, that all human rela- serts the opposite of being limited: competi-
tionships are limited by their nature and must tive and arrogant mastery. Or he may strive
end in death or loss. No matter how hard we for control of all his feelings by exerting mas-
work at them, no matter how deeply we are tery internally: He splits himself into good
committed to others, the outcome is inevita- and bad parts, and combats shame with guilt,
ble. And no matter how much we wish it oth- in the way usually characterized as obsessive-
erwise, we are separate from one another and compulsive. In this way, he may achieve a
can never become one with another person for limited tolerance for himself, although his ex-
more than the most fleeting moments. Yet the perience may be distinctly uncomfortable.
knowledge of this limitedness and separate- Through his cognitive narrowing and splitting,
ness paradoxically makes it possible for us to he exerts mastery and control by dividing his
recognize the reality of the other person and experience. Another person may become a
to respect him in his separateness. shallow drifter, never completing his educa-
But in the person still trapped in the di- tion, perpetually delaying all significant
lemma of narcissism, his inability to accept choices as to permanent kind of vocation,
these limitations and his own helplessness in mate choice, and so on, because to make any
the face of the workings of the universe pre- commitment means to give up the possibility
vent him from ever seeing anything in others of making other commitments and is, thus, ex-
but the mirror-like reflections of his own perienced (or rather avoided) as representing
needs for symbiotic self-completion. He is a limit and, therefore, a threat to the fanta-
driven to attempt to possess the other as an sied omnipotence (Pumpian-Mindlin, 1965).
object, utterly and forever, denying the oth- One price of omnipotence is paradoxically
er's nature as a separate person and seeing that of total guilt for everything that happens
only his capacity to fill the patient's needs, in a kind of neurotic hyper-responsibility; in
needs which, by their growth from an unat- its most extreme form, this dynamic may
tainable fantasy, are insatiable and unending. characterize the catatonic.
Others must exist in the patient's own uni- When the person can express his feelings of
verse of self or they do not exist for him at frustration at all, he may verbalize his irra-
all. They must somehow bolster his false tional and infantile need for complete gratifi-
image of a powerful, boundless, and endlessly cation by saying something like, "Why isn't
receptive self or be discarded in panic before the world (or a particular person) the way it
they can become important in themselves. ought to be, the way I want it to be?" To
Thus the narcissistic dilemma is one in such a child, the parent frequently says, "You
which the subject is caught between two can do anything you make up your mind to
sources of pain: the pain of loss or separa- do," thereby encouraging the denial of limita-
tion, which for whatever reason seems to him tions which itself seems to be one of the cher-
greater than the possible rewards of accepting ished myths of American society. In the more
separateness and limitation, and the pain of openly narcissistic neurotics, the unconscious
loneliness and alienation which are the inevi- fantasy of symbiotic omnipotence is mani-
table results of clinging to the fantasy of lim- fested by a dissatisfied and restless searching
itless omnipotence. Even to acknowledge the for something or someone who will give grati-
necessity of one or the other of these two fication. Such a search can take many forms,

4. LOVE VERSUS OMNIPOTENCE: T H E NARCISSISTIC DILEMMA 275
depending on the overlying character struc- neurotic "love" as essentially an attempt at
tures: absorption with acquisition of posses- incorporation, a maneuver which ultimately
sions, striving for status, multiple "love" af- denies the separateness and reality of the
fairs, footloose wandering and frequent other person. In such a relationship, the other
changes of occupation, and so on. The inevita- person is taken in and fused with, not as a
ble failure to meet the fantasied needs breeds real person but as an object, an inhabitant of
an objectless rage against everything, a rage the fantasy-laden, unrealistic inner world of
which increases as the years of frustration go the neurotic. All realistic differences are de-
on, and the rage itself must be dealt with by nied. The basic model for such a relationship
more or less neurotic defenses since there is no is the mother-child symbiosis. It should be
way in which it can be resolved without a made clear that this is not intended to mean
shift in character structure. When one consid- that the neurotic of this type is always look-
ers the basic mistrust present from childhood ing for a mother. The adult neurotic is, after
it is perhaps not at all remarkable that openly all, an adult, not a child. But the fantasy of
narcissistic people so frequently become para- magical completion or "Love at first sight," a
noid if they become severely disturbed. symbiotic relationship which will make him
Ultimately the failure to resolve this di- complete and whole at last does exert a pow-
lemma in favor of a limited version of the erful pull, tending to make him search rest-
world leads to increasing alienation and de- lessly for just the "right person" for the grat-
spair. Rage may be manifested as boredom ification which must exist somewhere and
with life or loneliness or depression. Paradoxi- which, by being in the right place at the right
cally, the more capacities and potentials one time with the right person, he can passively
has, the more acute this progression becomes receive. American songs (and perhaps others)
because the adequate development of any skill repeat this theme constantly.
requires the capacity to tolerate one's personal The neurotic marital relationship, therefore,
limitations. Thus, to the already crushing bur- many times becomes a kind of game which
den of loneliness and shame, is added guilt, both partners play by mutual and unconscious
through his knowledge of his failure to meet agreement, a game which provides both with
his capacities. The outcome, in Farber's ex- certain gratifications and enables both to
pressive phrase, is "despair and the life of sui- maintain the fiction of being unlimited. But
cide," or else denial of the reality of the world this kind of socially acceptable folie a' deux
outside the person to an extent that is usually is, by its nature, unstable since it depends on
translated as psychosis. mutual lies and pretense, conscious or uncon-
To allow one's self to respect and care scious. Therefore, of course, a drastic denial
deeply for the separateness of another human of the real nature of the relationship between
being means inevitable loss which one is help- them is required. Either an extremely limited
less to prevent. Ultimately, therefore, each and ritualistic relationship is developed which
person, in order to become as healthy and lov- is rigidly the same at all times, and which of-
ing a person as he is capable of becoming, fers satisfaction in safety, or the two persons
must resolve the dilemma on an emotional, must develop an extremely careful sensitivity
non-verbal level by knowing that death and for the feelings and behavior of the other, a
loss are less painful than loneliness, or more situation in which each person behaves in a
positively, that the rewards of loving and, way which is least threatening to the other
thus, meeting a basic capacity are great person. In many cases this latter course be-
enough to meet the pain of loss and death. comes extremely difficult, with each partner
What kind of marriages do narcissistic peo- figuratively "walking on eggs" with the other
ple make? While, obviously, the variety is as person. One form of the latter might be the
great as the variety of kinds of people there pseudo-marriage, in which each partner seeks
are, there seem to be certain common features part, or all, of their gratification outside the
by virtue of the narcissistic preconceptions marriage. A common characteristic of narcis-
about the nature of human relationships. sistic-neurotic marriages is that of tremendous
Searles (1951) has pointed out the nature of ambivalence; each partner is caught between

5. 276 HARRY BOYD
being unable to give the other up because of hell, of being punished forever, is less awful
intolerance for loss, and resentment because than that of death because death is equated
the other person is unable to meet all his part- with marasmus. Punishment is less painful
ner's needs, to make him a whole and totally than abandonment and loneliness. Death, not
gratified person. life, is a nightmare from which neurotics
When such people come into therapy, they struggle to awaken.
frequently give more or less vivid evidence of Thus, death is fantasied as love's alternate,
their difficulties in accepting the boundaries the absolute and irrevocable loss of narcissis-
between themselves and their spouses. For in- tic supplies and of helplessness to obtain
stance, one will complain of his inability to more. The neurotic denies this fantasy by om-
make his spouse feel toward him what he wants nipotently attempting to turn everyone and
her to feel, or will attribute various kinds of everything into an object whose purpose is to
motivation to his spouse for which he has no furnish him with more and better supplies,
direct evidence and typically has never asked turning the idea of death into the repository
about. Certainly, they cannot accept the for all his fears of loss, limitation and help-
limited nature of their relationship with their lessness. One cannot understand the neurotic's
spouses, and are angry because there is never fear of non-symbiotic love without having
the total gratification which they are seek- worked through the death/abandonment fan-
ing. In therapy, their transference is initially tasy which lurks behind it. Agnar Mykle, the
positive, because of their hope for a good (i.e. novelist, has put this very well:
symbiotic) mother, but very quickly the nega- . . . And it was this idea of utterness that made his
tive transference makes itself evident by in- head suddenly swim. Suddenly, fortuitously, he had
creasing demandingness and/or increasing non- looked into man's profoundest terror. At the bottom
verbalized anger. of things is death.
In that swift second he had recognized that love
I think therapy with neurotics is never and death are life's two great demons. He used to
completed until they are on their way toward think, for his knowledge of life came largely from
an increasing ability to accept their own limi- novels, that love was light and easy, a dance on a
tations and to live in spite (or because) of the flower-strewn bank. Now, he sat there knowing that
tragically impermanent nature of human rela- at the bottom of love is death. (1961)
tionships. One way this can be noted is in the To have come to terms with the fantasy of
willingness or ability of the patient to come to utter loss disguised as a fear of death requires
terms with his fantasy of his own death. In having accepted the limited nature of human
neurotics, the idea of death is not one of sim- existence and the limits of one's own existence
ple cessation of existence, but an unconscious on a direct and experiential level.
narcissistically determined fantasy of com- Such a notion is, of course, not new. Jesse
plete isolation and helplessness. Such a fan- Taft (1962) based many of her theories con-
tasy has its roots in the child's terror of loss cerning the effects of time limited therapy on
of its mother, an anxiety which has usually Rank's (1945) approach. My own approach
been exacerbated in the neurotic either be- to the importance of the capacity to accept
cause of the mother's rejecting attitude or be- limitations obviously owes much to Dr. Taft,
cause subsequent events cause the person to and ultimately to Rank. One of the character-
re-evaluate the mother as a rejecting person. istics of all kinds of psychotherapy is that it
Death, then, becomes the epitome of helpless involves a necessarily limited relationship, a
loneliness and failure of all narcissistic sup- temporary alliance between patient and thera-
plies, like being locked in an empty, black pist; perhaps this built-in limitedness, as Taft
room forever. Religion frequently has a major pointed out, in itself contributes to the prog-
appeal for neurotics because of its reinforce- ress of the patient toward giving up his fanta-
ment of the resurrection fantasy which can be sies of omnipotence. When this fantasy or set
summarized as saying that some time mother of fantasies are no longer necessary, much of
will come and take you from the dreaded per- the force behind the tendency of the patient
manent isolation of death. Even the notion of to cling to his neurotic defenses dissolves or

6. LOVE VERSUS OMNIPOTENCE: T H E NARCISSISTIC DILEMMA 277
perhaps has already dissolved, and he is ready KAISER, H. Effective psychotherapy. New York: The
to go on with the task of learning how to ob- Free Press, 1965.
MURPHY, W. F. The tactics of psychotherapy. New
tain gratification and development in the real York: International Universities Press, Inc., 1965.
world of limitation. MYKLE, AGNAR. The son of the red ruby. New York:
E. P. Dutton, 1961.
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FARBER, L. The ways of the will. New York: Basic commitment. J. Amer. Acad. Child Psychiat., A,
Books, 1966. 1-18, 1965.
FEDERN, PAUL. Ego psychology and the psychoses. RANK, O. Will therapy and truth and Reality. New
New York: Basic Books, 1952. York: A. Knopf, 1945.
FENTCHEL, O. The psychoanalytic theory of the neu- SEARLES, H. F. Data concerning certain manifestations
roses. W. W. Norton and Co: New York, 1945. of incorporation. In Collected papers on schizophre-
FRANKX, V. From death-camp to existentialism. Bos- nia and related subjects. New York: Int. Univer.
ton: Beacon Press, 1959. Press, Inc., 1965. pp. 39-69.
FREUD, SIGMUND. On narcissism: an introduction. TAFT, JESSIE. The dynamics of therapy in a con-
Collected papers, ed. E. Jones, 4 30-59. New York: trolled relationship. Dover Publications, Inc.: New
Basic Books, Inc., 1959. York, 1962.