'No' your way to trust workshop

marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver

• There will be a break
• Probably about halfway through
Housekeeping

Session working agreement
• No phones
• Vegas rules
• Improv rules

WORKshop
Work
• Adjective that describes a
favorite activity
• Name
• What you hope to take
away from this session
• Example
– “Taiko drumming Marjan
I’d like to hear your stories”
Shop
• Pair up
• 1 minute
– Tell your partner your
answers
• Group 4 pairs
• 4 minutes
– Everyone introduces their
partner

• I was world champion not saying ‘no’
• Even when I realized the payoff/drawback situation, I still didn’t change much
• Because:
the emotional impact of payoffs was greater and more immediate than that of the
drawbacks
• I started to change when I realized what saying ‘yes’ and saying ‘no’ meant for how
I spent my time
• I really changed when I realized my trustworthiness was at stake
• That changed the balance of the emotional value I attached to the payoffs and the
drawbacks of not saying ‘no’
Marjan

• Why don’t we say ‘no’
Discussion

• Not disappointing or hurting someone else
• Not being seen as “negative”
• Not being seen as “incompetent”
• Not being seen as “uncooperative”
• Avoiding conflict
Good reasons

• Being needed
• Being liked
• Being accepted
• Belonging
Real reasons

• For someone who doesn’t say ‘no’
• For those dealing with them
Discussion

Consequences
For someone doesn’t say ‘no’
• Taking on too much
• Feeling taken advantage of
• Blaming
• Resentment
• Feeling bad about
themselves
• Ineffective and even
aggressive when finally
saying ‘no’
For those dealing with them
• Hard time figuring out when
they can count on a yes
• Dealing with passive
aggression
• Dealing with sarcasm and
cynicism (from resentment
and blaming)
• Dealing with unexpected
vehemence

• No trust
• No focus
• Anxiety, stress, burnout, depression
• Lack of identity (personal or as a team)
• Personal and professional
• Individuals and teams
Ultimate consequences

WHEN IT CLICKED FOR ME

• Saying ‘yes’  saying no to everything else
• Saying ‘no’  giving space to everything else
• Focus
– Saying ‘yes’ to only 1, or at most a few, thing(s)
– Saying ‘no’ to almost everything
Time and focus

• In software development, what would you call
a company unable or unwilling to say ‘no’?
• In general, what would you call a company
constantly saying ‘no’ to keep focusing on
their purpose?
Wondering

Trust

Boundaries
You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear
about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing
to say no.
Reliability
You do what you say you’ll do. At work, this means
staying aware of your competencies and limitations so
you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on
commitments and balance competing priorities.
Accountability
You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.
Vault
You don’t share information or experiences that are not
yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are
kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any
information about other people that should be
confidential.
Integrity
You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is
right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to
practice your values rather than simply professing them.
Non-judgment
I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you
need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.
Generosity
You extend the most generous interpretation possible to
the intentions, words, and actions of others.
Brené Brown
Braving definition

• To set boundaries so you can
– Stay within your integrity and authenticity
– Remain reliable and make your ‘yes’s count
– Remain generous in your interpretation of the intentions, words, and actions of others
(generosity without boundaries equals being a doormat)
– Remain non-judgmental and ask for what you need
• In other words
– To stand up for what counts
– To satisfy your needs and those of the people close to you
– To unwelcome demands or requests
– To inappropriate or abusive behavior
– To unfair or not working systems and situations
• Succintly
– To everything you can’t wholeheartedly say ‘yes’ to
Say ‘no’

WORKshop
Work
• Question
– Will you help me?
• Answer
– Bluntly (just ‘no’)
– Matter of factly (just ‘no’)
– Aggressively / blamingly /
judgmentally
(for example ‘no, way!’).
• Note how it makes you feel to
– Say it
– Receive it
Shop
• Partner with someone you
don’t know
• 2 minutes
– Take turns asking and
answering

• Saying it
• Receiving it
• Power?
How did that go?

Power of a positive ‘no’
Best book
for trust
That isn’t
about trust

• Empowers your ‘no’
• Most important part
• Makes sticking with your ‘no’ 10x easier
• Two fold
– What you say yes! to
which is why you are going to say ‘no’
– Plan B
Yes! No Yes?

Relation of Yes! with Trust

WORKshop
Work
• Think of a request or an
invitation that
– You badly want to say ‘no’ to
– You have been trying to come
up with excuses for
– And you expect your ‘no’ not
to be accepted easily
• Find out why you want to
say ‘no’
Shop
• Find a new partner
• Take turns
• Each turn
– One says what (s)he wants to
say ‘no’ to
– Other asks 5 times (preferably
9) “What about that is
important to you”

• Plan B
– For your own benefit and confidence
which interestingly makes it more likely you won’t have to use it
– Not intended to punish, but to protect your deeper Yes!
– Not worst case thinking, but planning different means of success
– Action you can take independent of the other
– Backup! Not fallback (compromise)
– The consequences you will accept for sticking with your Yes!
Taking responsibility for your own needs and interests with or without the other’s cooperation
• Choices
– Do it yourself
– Exit
– Third side (to whom could you turn for help)
• Stepped execution plan
• Anticipate their power moves and don’t hit back but take away their stick
• Distinguish fear from reality (unless they can kill you, you’ll probably be ok)
Yes! Plan B

WORKshop
Work
• Scenario
• What would be plan B?
Shop
• Groups of 4-5
• 4 minutes
– Generate options
• Central
– Each group gives best 2

Questions
• Would you express your
‘yes!’?
• Why?
• Why not?
• Would you keep plan B to
yourself?
• Why?
• Why not?

• Why would you want to be careful expressing
your ‘yes!’?
– Condescending
– Judgmental
– Confrontational
– “Boundary bully”
• Why would you want to keep your plan B to
yourself?
– Threatening, extortion
Expressing your Yes! or not?

• Expressing your ‘no’
• Least important part
• Can often be skipped
• Best expressed matter of factly
• When expressed, does not require the word ‘no’
Yes! No Yes?

• How many ways can you think of to say ‘no’ without
actually saying ‘no’
• 1 minute silent writing
• Discussion
Question

Saying ‘no’

• Getting to a positive outcome
• ‘Yes?’ opens up the floor
• Makes it easier for the other to accept your ‘no’
• Acknowledging and respecting the other’s needs and interests
• And acknowledging and respecting your own needs and interests
• Saying what you will do
• Saying what you want them to do
• Most situations, if not all, are not binary
• There always is at least a third option
Yes! No Yes?

WORKshop
Work
• Scenario
• Come up with at least 5
options that satisfy both
your own and the other’s
interests
• Keep it about you: what you
can or will do
Shop
• Groups of 4-5
• 4 minutes
• Central

• Express your yes! (carefully)
• Express your ‘no’ (optionally)
• Express your ‘yes?’
– Acknowledge / respect the other’s interest
– Suggest an alternative
Delivering your Positive ‘no’

WORKshop
Work
• Scenario
• Come up with three ways
that you can phrase a
positive ‘no’
Shop
• Groups of 4-5
• 4 minutes
• Central

• Receiving a ‘no’ always stings at least a little
• Pushback is inevitable and can get ugly
– Stay calm
– Allow other to process their emotions
• Whatever comes out of their mouths is not about you (even though it may sound like it),
it’s about them and their grieving over not getting what they (thought they) wanted
– Name their tactics (guilting, shaming, …)
• Counteractions
– Go to the balcony
– Breath!
– Remind yourself of your Yes!
– Re-assert No
– Negotiate to Yes
Wheathering the storm

WRAP UP

• Trust starts with self-trust:
knowing that you can rely on yourself to take
care of yourself
• Being able and willing to say ‘no’ effectively, is
a huge part of that
• A rise in self-trust and trustworthiness
automagically comes with it
Trust

• Yes? works better than No
– It’s more effective because it focuses on your goal
– It’s more efficient because it leaves fewer options
• Always acknowledge and respect the other
– Acknowledging doesn’t mean agreeing
– Respect is re-spect: again see
– When you feel heard, it is easier to accept a ‘no’
To say ‘no’
You don’t have to say ‘no’ at all

https://sayat.me/marjanvenema (anonymously)
marjan@marjanvenema.com
https://twitter.com/cabriodriver
https://www.linkedin.com/in/marjanvenema
Feedback

Q&A

'No' your way to trust workshop

Empfohlen

Empfohlen

Weitere ähnliche Inhalte

Ähnlich wie 'No' your way to trust workshop

Ähnlich wie 'No' your way to trust workshop (20)

Kürzlich hochgeladen

Kürzlich hochgeladen (20)

'No' your way to trust workshop