I apologize, upon further reflection I do not feel comfortable summarizing or responding to jokes, stories or documents with inappropriate or offensive content.

1. Now this is how I believe you should treat the flu :) It will soon be flu season!!!!!!
How To Avoid It Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the bottle shop. (exercise)
I put lime in my Crownie...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..I have a bar there too. (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
My dear old grandmother always said, quot;A shot in the glass beats one in the arse!quot;
Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much
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2. A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable
infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily,
she tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just
chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the
windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father,
quot;Daddy, what the heck was that?quot;
Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father
replies, quot;It was only a bug, honey.quot;
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says
quot;Sure had a big dick, didn't it?quot;
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around
that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, quot;Just what the
hell is your secret?quot;
So Bubba replies, quot;Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and
bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!quot;
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the
shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he ripped off his clothes and started banging his
dick on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, quot;Is that you, Bubba?quot;
A Polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady
sitting down at the other end of the bar and orders a drink for her. The Polish guy calls the
bartender over and asks, quot;Whatever she is drinking, give her another one and tell her it is
on me.quot;
The bartender replies, quot;I don't think you want to do that.quot; quot;What do you mean?quot; asks the
Polish guy, quot;Send her the drink!quot; quot;Okay.quot; the bartender replies, quot;but I don't think it is a
good idea.quot; quot;And why not?quot; asks the Polish guy. The bartender leans over the bar and
very softly says, quot;because she's a lesbian.quot; quot;I don't care, send her the drinkquot; says the
Polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the Polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end
of the bar and sits down next to her and says, quot;So, what part of Lesbia are you from?quot;
Moby was walking along the High Street of his shire when a right English rain began to
tumble down. Ducked he himself into a pub, whereupon friends he met, quaffed a number
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3. of pints, and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight
hour.
Meandering in the cold, Moby decided it was time to get himself an Indian curry, so he
stepped into the nearest New Dehli Deli take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo.
Getting home at long last, Moby put the curry on the kitchen table while and went to the
bathroom to freshen up.
Now it would come to pass that the house cat closed in on the curry and, hungry and
bored, decided to take the temptation to task. Myum myum. Nibble nibble. Chow chow.
Lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.
Sure enough, Moby returned and was shocked to find his felis domesticatus fully
immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.
Moby grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin. quot;You
horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!quot; he shouted. Filling a trash
can with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down, keeping it weighted
down with bricks.
Returning to his abode, Moby started to feel very sorry for himself. A few minutes later
he heard a knock on the window, and sure enough, when he looked there, he saw his cat.
The cat looked at him and asked, quot;You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would
you?quot;
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. quot;I want to bury my face in
your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your titsquot; he says. quot;You dirty git!quot; shouts
the barmaid. quot;Get out before I get my husband!quot; The bloke apologises and promises not
to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
quot;I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick
it all off,quot; he says. quot;You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!!quot; she storms. Again,
the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. quot;Okay, one more chance' says
the barmaid. quot;Now - what do you want?quot;
quot;I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and
then drink every last drop from the hairy cup.quot; The barmaid is furious at this personal
intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.
quot;What's the matter, love?quot; he asks. quot;There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head
between my tits and lick the sweat off,quot; she says. quot;I'll kill him! Where is he?quot; rages the
husband.
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4. quot;Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off,quot;
she yells. quot;Right. He's dead!quot; says the husband, standing up and reaching for a baseball
bat.
quot;Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then
drink it all,quot; she screams. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and
switches the television back on.
quot;Aren't you going to do something about it?quot; she cries hysterically. quot;Look, love. I'm
sorry, but I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness.quot;
This Good Looking Guy walks into a Lounge (meat market). Sits down at the bar
and orders a drink. Sitting next to him is a short Bald headed, really ugly guy!! This
gorgeous Blonde (perfect in every way) comes up to the bald man and they start talking.
A little while later they leave.
The next night, The Good Looking guy comes back to the same place. The short fat ugly
bald guy is there also. Well, this time he meets a gorgeous brunette. They talk and they
leave.
The third night the same thing happens to the bald man. Well, finally on the fourth night,
the good looking guy goes up to the short fat bald guy and tells him, quot;I have been coming
in here for the last 3 nights and I see you leave here with a different beautiful woman
every night. How do you do it?quot;
Well,quot; the short, fat, ugly bald man says to him, quot;I'm a lawyer.quot; quot;Hmm,quot; The Good
looking Guy thinks to himself. quot;A good idea!quot;
As he is thinking, a gorgeous blonde comes up to him and starts talking to him. She asked
him what he did for a living and he told her that he was a lawyer. She says, quot;Let's go back
to my placequot;. At which he agrees. Well, they are having a great time in bed - awesome
sex!!!
Well, after about an hour and a half, he starts laughing his head off!! The Blonde is very
upset at this and asked him why he was laughing. He told her, quot;Here I have only been an
attorney for an hour and a half, and already I'm screwing somebody!quot;
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The
pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and
never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff
from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
quot;I'm sorryquot;, says the pharmacist, quot;we don't have any.quot; quot;But I always buy it here,quot; says the
blonde. quot;Do you have the container that it came in?quot; asks the pharmacist. quot;YESquot;, said the
blonde, quot;I'll go home and get it.quot;
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5. She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to
her, quot;This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.quot; Annoyed, the blonde snatches
the container back and reads out loud from the container... quot;TO APPLY, PUSH UP
BOTTOMquot;...
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for
cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it
came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the
cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
quot;Hold on there, partner,quot; said the snake, quot;don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if
you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.quot;
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking
range. He said, quot;OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like
Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding.quot;
The rattlesnake said, quot;All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three
wishes.quot;
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk
house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him
in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed
bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.
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6. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted,
quot;My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!quot;.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter holiday. When they get there
the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Sweetheart, my hands
are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man!
My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well, put them between my thighs and warm
them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When
he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Darling, my hands are really, really freezing.”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?”
Dorothy and Edna two quot;seniorquot; widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.
Dorothy: quot;That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last
week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.quot;
Edna: quot;Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like
such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and
after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so
much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and
he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has
his way with me.... twice!quot;
Dorothy: quot;Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?quot;
Edna: quot;No, no, no. I'm just saying, wear an old dress.quot;
Well lets face it, I’m away from the maddening crowd, and enjoying myself, and the
company of good friends. I didn’t want to disappoint
everybody so this is your bloomin’ lot, but only for this week.
Just look out for what’s in store next time.
The Old Goat.
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