Thank you for the feedback: How to be able to receive feedback better? How to give it more adequately?

5. How you come across? Your leaky face Your leaky tone Blind spot amplifiers Déjà vu (entendu)? A 2nd opinion? Record yourself “How do I get in my own way?”

6. Truth triggers “You’re wrong” >> “Tell me more” Wrong spotting Heroes vs. villains Data vs. implications Don’t remove judgment >> make it thoughtful, transparent, discussable

7. Relationship triggers What vs. Who The typical dead end: 1. Hear feedback 2. Experience a reaction 3. Change the topic (to what we feel) 4. Talk past each other >> Identify the tracks Appreciation, autonomy, acceptance Relationship system?

8. Identity triggers Wiring & temperament Bad > Good Which Sustain & Recover temperament profile are you? Baseline, swing, sustain & recover temperament >> Meditate, exercise, support others

9. Get prepared for feedback Inoculate yourself Separate strands Feedback containment We can’t control how people look at us From fixed to growth mindset ‘And’ instead of ‘but’ Coach people to deal with the unchanged ‘you’

10. The feedback conversation 1. Open: What kind of feedback to get? 2. Body: Listen, assert, manage process, problem solve 3. Close: Clarify commitments, steps, procedural details

11. How to give (evaluative) feedback more adequately? 11

12. Standard suggestions Be… • Specific (using descriptive language) • Timely (and proactive) • Based on facts • Honest and genuine • Appropriate (respectful) • Focused on behavior, not on the person • Guiding / tied to an action plan • Conversational • Customized to the person 12

13. Standard elements • The Behaviour: What the employee did and how they did it. • The Outcome: What resulted from the employee’s behaviour and how it impacted the team and the company. • The Next Steps: How to maintain positive outcomes, improve average outcomes, or work to solve negative ones. 13

14. Out-of-the-box suggestions • Give feedback in many forms • Give continuous feedback • “I noticed”… • Invite the other to give you feedback • Ask permission for (additional) feedback • Don’t ask ‘why’, ask ‘what happened?’, ‘how did that happen?’, ‘how can you prevent this from happening in the future?’ • And… praise in public, criticize in private 14

15. Specific examples of giving good feedback? • “Good report” >> “The report that you turned in yesterday was well- written, understandable, and made your points about the budget very effectively.” • “I like your work” >> “I think you did a great job when you…[insert specifics] it showed that you had….” • “Things are not entirely ok between us” >> “When you did/said [insert specifics}, this is the impact it had on me”… • “People here have problems with you” >> "Can I share with you a bit of feedback that I/we have been hearing?" 15

16. KIT – Royal Tropical Institute Mauritskade 64 1092 AD Amsterdam Contact 16

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This presentation is an introduction to general ‘good practice’ around giving and particularly receiving feedback.
The part on receiving feedback is largely inspired by the book ‘Thanks for the feedback – The science and art of receiving feedback well, even when it is off-base, unfair, poorly delivered and frankly you’re not in the mood’ by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen (authors of the other excellent book ‘Difficult conversations – How to discuss what matters most’. Receiving feedback is the key because however skilled we may nor may not be at giving feedback, if we are not ready to receive it, no measure of effort is going to amount to anything. And the literature overwhelmingly focuses on giving feedback. The premise here is that the benefits of receiving feedback are not about taking feedback in but engaging skillfully with it.
There are three types of feedback: Appreciation is also called ‘supportive feedback’ and it’s the type that just helps reinforce our self-esteem and confidence. Typical examples? A friend asking you ‘Do you like my house’? Or your partner asking you how they look… unless they are specifically asking for coaching feedback, but that’s highly unlikely in such cases. “That was nice”. It’s also about your being recognized, visible etc. Coaching is feedback that intends primarily to help you grow, learn etc. and be better aware of your blind spots. It is less formal in nature, though not always. “This is how you could improve” Evaluation is formal feedback you receive in relation to a task or program or agenda you were in charge of. “This is where you are”
Three triggers tend to aggravate how we can perceive feedback: Truth triggers: the challenge to see (our view of the world) Relationship triggers: the challenge of ‘we’ (our relationship system) Identity triggers: the challenge of ‘me’ (our theory of who we are)
Be aware that you come across in ways that you may yourself not be aware of. The way we misunderstand others and others misunderstand us is incredibly predictable. Sometimes we focus on changing our behavior but not on how we see things. Two behavioral blind spots: Your leaky face: your facial traits reveal a lot about your behavior and about how you take feedback too. Ditto with your tone of voice. Blind spot amplifiers: our blind spots are their hot spots. Interrelated dynamics also play up: a) emotional maths (we discount our own emotions while others count them/feel to them as double), b) Your character: While you tend to attribute your actions to the situation, others tend to attribute your actions to your character., c) impact vs. intent (You tend to judge yourself by your intentions. Others tend to judge you by the impact you have on them. Despite your best intentions, you may have a negative impact on others.) Develop your blind spot alerts: how you react, how you’ve heard sthg already (déjà vu?) How about getting a second opinion about those traits that were (possibly) new to you? How do you come across? Sometimes then we need/want ‘supportive mirrors’. But let's use ‘honest mirrors’ to really improve ourselves. Perhaps you can even record yourself to find out what these blind spots are To address these blind spots, you can ask: “How do I get in my own way?”
The problem with truth triggers is that we tend to be much better at spotting what’s wrong in someone else’s assessment than what is right. And wrong spotting defeats learning. Before we judge feedback, we need to understand it. Add to that the tendency to see ourselves as the heroes (drivers overrate their driving abilities, managers overrate their management skills) and others as the villains that ‘just don’t get it’ What we need to do is to move away from labels that we hear (‘Never, always, is, is so un-’) and separate data from implications. There’s advice, consequences, and expectations. We may not have the same data (between feedback receiver and feedback giver) and we may analyse that data differently. One way to deal with truth triggers when they arise is to move away from “You’re wrong” towards “tell me more”, ie. making a genuine attempt at understanding other data. The whole point is not to remove judgment, but to make that judgment thoughtful, transparent and discussable. Based on a clear recognition of data and implications.
We're often more triggered by the person giving feedback than by the feedback itself. Typically the sequence we follow is: we hear feedback, experience a reaction, change the topic to one we feel like talking about instead, and then both talk past each other (also called ‘switch tracking’). A typical common trap for couples ;) Sometimes the new topic is actually even more important but we need to treat one at a time as our brain doesn’t seem to have the capacity to tackle both effectively at the same time, and because it reinforces each person’s preference for their pet topic. The point here is to disentangle the ‘what’ (the feedback), from the ‘who’ (the feedback giver). And in the who there’s two triggers: a) what we think about the giver and b) how we feel treated by the giver Judgment or skill: About how we feel treated by the giver: we crave appreciation, autonomy and acceptance. Appreciation: we don't like feedback from people who don't appreciate us. Autonomy: our boundaries are invisible until they've been violated. We don't accept feedback that takes our liberty away (but our autonomy maps rub against each other sometimes). Acceptance: we don't accept feedback from people that don't accept us. The skill here is to identify the different tracks, and to accept to treat them on their own merit rather than who voiced them. We need to be able to spot the tracks, and give them their own track/time. Perhaps your reactions indicate which track to start with? Remember that these relationship triggers are part of a broader relationship system that we need to recognize and appreciate from 3 distances: 1 step back: you+me intersections ("this is how you are..."[in relation to me]). Are differences between us creating frictions? 2 steps back: roles clashing - coming from role confusion or role clarity (e.g. sales vs. legal / architects vs. engineers). 3 steps back: the big picture - the entire landscape with other players, structures, policies, processes etc. Are these reinforcing the problem? Looking at the entire system adds accountability, is more accurate and more likely to be effective (e.g. firing a CEO won’t fix the corporate culture).
Identity triggers are relationship triggers with the most important relation we have: with ourselves. And how our identity triggers has to do with our wiring and temperament. Which themselves have to do with baseline, swing and sustain & recovery. Baseline: the beginning and end. People with high baselines respond more to positive feedback. Swing: how far up or down you move (some swing high) Sustain & recovery: how long it takes to come back to your baseline. Whatever our wiring, we respond to threats (bad) more sharply than to opportunities (good). What is your sustain & recover temperament: studies for this book have shown a 3000% difference in how different people sustain and recover. People that are better connected recover faster as they get more quickly/easily positive feedback. There are 4 profiles: Long sustain and quick recover: low risk and high reward (you love feedback). Quick sustain and long recover: hate feedback. Quick on each: no big deal either way. Long sustain/recover: high risk & reward - high stakes activity. Luckily wiring is only part of the story and you can do various things to recover and deal better with critical feedback: meditate, exercise, do altruistic work.
If you have a ‘feedback session’ (especially evaluative feedback) ahead, here are a few things you can do or bear in mind to get best prepared: Imagine what negative feedback you might receive. Rehearse the conversation in your head and witness how you would react. That is about inoculating yourself with the more negative feedback you might expect so you get a chance at discovering your own blind spots and getting better prepared to deal with it in person when it happens. Separate the strands: there’s the story (your story about the feedback), the feedback, your reaction. What do I feel (which feeling)? What's the story I'm telling and inside the story what's the threat? What's the actual feedback? Potentially use a ‘feedback containment’ chart that has 2 columns: What is the feedback about? / What is the feedback NOT about? Move from fixed to growth mindset: Use any opportunity to develop! When giving feedback about feedback you hear, try to use ‘and’ rather than ‘but’ e.g.: “Mom, I know that you want me to come over more often to your house and I want to travel more often”). Remember with a pinch of philosophy that we can’t control how people look at us. We can change what we do, how we think of what we do, but not their reaction. We need others and their perspective on us to see ourselves fully. Even if their perspective is wrong, unfair, outdated etc. or is falsely directed at you for traits that are even more 'theirs'. But we can't control that. Finally, if you’ve really tried to change in the face of feedback you received but genuinely couldn’t (or wouldn’t) change, have a coaching conversation with the feedback givers on how they can deal with you and the fact that you won’t change. What can they do differently? What other things can you do that alleviates part of the problem?
This is the textbook practice from ‘Thanks for the feedback’ about having a useful ‘feedback conversation’. It should have: An opening. What is the purpose of the feedback I would like to (or will) receive? Is the feedback final or not? A body. It’s the bulk of the conversation that involves listening to the feedback, asserting yourself, managing the conversation process (to avoid getting stuck) and problem solving A close. With commitments. It can be detailed or not, short or long… Different things you can firm up: action plans (who what when), benchmarks and consequences (how will progress be measured and when), procedural contracts (process to work on agreements), new strategies.
Now, moving on to ‘giving feedback’… particularly evaluative feedback
Most resources about ‘giving feedback’ insist on very similar points of feedback. An important point to note here is that the giving feedback resources we gleaned on the internet were not necessarily pitched according to the 3 types of feedback identified in ‘Thanks for the feedback’… In any case they all suggest to: Avoid any vague statement, whether in positive (you did well!) or negative (you don’t communicate well), especially if you’re giving coaching feedback. Use very descriptive language (who/what/where/when/how/whom etc.) and with adjectives that give the nuances of your feedback. All the more so as you can’t necessarily expect that the feedback receiver will be an elaborate ‘paraphraser’ Give timely feedback, and proactively: don’t let days, weeks, months pass by before you give a related point of feedback. Give it as soon as possible afterwards, and proactively seek opportunities to give, feedback, though always ask for permission first. No one likes to be lectured on what they don’t do well enough, let alone at a moment that is not opportune. Refer to facts as much as possible, not your interpretation (only) but real, observable facts (what/where/when again). Especially don’t assume others’ reactions, stick to the observable part of the exchange (and as we’ll see later, how that affected YOURSELF). Be honest and genuine: Only give feedback that truly matters to you and that truly affected you personally whether positively or negatively. Give an appropriate amount of feedback and keep limits of respect at all costs. For instance, even if you see someone perform appallingly, giving them all the feedback you could give them in the grand scheme of things is not going to help them, it will put them off and arguably put you at endless odds with them. Respect is primordial: your measure of feedback should not be about destroying anyone or anything, but precisely caring about each other and the collective. Focus on their behavior, not on who they are. It can be very tempted to give labelling comments a la “you’re authoritarian” or “you always do it like that”. Focus on the specific behaviors they displayed at a given point in time and stick to this. Especially if in an evaluative performance feedback conversation, tie in whatever observations, implications (for you and/or the feedback receiver and subject) to a sort of action plan that also gives some remedial or follow-up activities. Especially with critical feedback, this offers a way for the received to save their face and make amends. A much more strategic choice to conserve a good relationship with them. Keep it conversational, as much as possible. Even if it’s an evaluative feedback conversation, the more formal the exchange becomes, the less likely it will allow both parties to make heads or tails from the conversation and to keep a comfortable relationship. A conversation allows you and the other party(ies) to relax and ease in to situations that happened – and we all know we can all make mistakes by the way ;) Customize your feedback to the person you’re giving it to. The point is not for you to feel good about offloading your heart. It’s about helping the person you’re giving the feedback. The more you can make the feedback specific and tailored to what they do etc. the easier it will be for them to do something with it.
There are three standard elements in feedback – including in evaluative feedback: The behavior: the facts of the matter, how the feedback receiver said or did something(s). The observable piece in other words. The outcome: what was the consequence of that behavior on yourself – and as much as it’s easily identifiable – on others or on broader systems, processes etc. all the way up to the organization. This is where the system becomes apparent again and where you can actually relate the feedback piece to our share of responsibility and the accountability system that we are part of. The next steps: these are suggested actions to indeed preserve the good work, improve what can be improved, and resolve problematic behaviors. What will the feedback receiver (and yourself or others) do in order to improve the overall outcomes by the next time you are having such a conversation?
Some final random suggestions about giving feedback: Consider giving feedback in various forms: oral, written, by video. Not for the sake of it, but a) to feel more confident about your own feedback giving style, b) to be able to offer alternatives to people that may be more comfortable receiving feedback in a particular format and c) it also means (and shows) that you are working on your feedback culture in a more systematic manner. Give continuous feedback: derives directly from the previous. Use every opportunity to give (welcome) feedback around you, especially if it shows that it comes straight from your heart and is well intentioned. Use the phrase ”I noticed” to alert the receiver about some things that you have indeed seen play out and that they may not be on their radar screen. It also offers a non-intrusive way to have a grown-up conversation about something that may have deeper causes or whatever. If appropriate and possible, reciprocate by inviting the other party to also give you some feedback. This creates a more peer-like atmosphere and dynamics that is useful to open up to each other. In the case of evaluative feedback this may not always be possible, and of course respect their choice not to give you any feedback either. As preempted in previous slides, ask permission to give feedback, or give feedback on other things than were supposed to be covered (if identified at all) in your initial feedback conversation. Try and refrain from using ‘why’, rather give the receiver an opportunity explain what happened, how and how that can happen or not again in the future. The why question tends to pitch people into a more defensive stance and to reinforce the biases highlighted above (truth, relationship and identity biases). And a wise piece of information about feedback: while it’s ok (and even encouraged, as encouraging) to praise people in public and make them feel good in front of crowds, critical feedback is best delivered in private. We don’t like to be told our truths (or even false but uncomfortable messages), and even less so when it humiliates us in public. That is the kind of step that can seriously injure a relationship for a long time afterwards.
Here are four examples of giving feedback that you can keep in mind and even practice with, starting (in red) with a bad example, and (in green) a much better way of delivering that same feedback. The book ”Thanks for the feedback” contains dozens of other worthwhile examples. The first example makes the case for precise language, with descriptive adjectives that give a much finer picture of what was good, rather than a catch-all term that leaves you more confused than even happy. The second example draws out the case of specific activities and what that behavior manifested for yourself. The 3rd example is the classic, textbook-like, example of connecting someone’s actions (the facts) with someone else’s implications (the feelings that emerged from it). The final example is advising against speaking on behalf of others, but invites an opportunity to connect to it in a not-all-too-threatening way. It is still a delicate example and I would refrain from doing so until you judget you can easily deliver fine, smart, clear, actionable feedback to others.

Thank you for the feedback: How to be able to receive feedback better? How to give it more adequately?

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Thank you for the feedback: How to be able to receive feedback better? How to give it more adequately?

Hinweis der Redaktion