Why You Need a Tribe, and How to Find One
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Keynote speech by Emmy McCarthy from the Spark 2015 Conference for Female Entrepreneurs in Amsterdam, NL. ** The transcript of the keynote can be found in the "Notes" tab. Each bullet point represents a new slide**
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Why You Need a Tribe, and How to Find One
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Hinweis der Redaktion
- Good morning, and welcome to Spark 2015.
- I believe in tribes. I believe that human beings are tribal creatures who were not meant to exist in isolation from one another but who were meant to come together and form communities. But as the world got bigger, and our desire to travel it greater, I also believe that we started to lose that sense of traditional community. Our tribes were stretched and our stories started to be lost across the waters. That is certainly true in my case. I have lived in 5 countries, I am at heart a city girl who was raised in the English countryside. I love the anonymity of new places yet I am a passionate architect of and advocate for communities.
- Today I want to share my story with you, how I came to believe so strongly in the power of tribes and why I believe that all of you need to be part of a tribe. I want to explain what the benefits of being part of a tribe are and also how you can find the right tribes for you.
- Those of you who have heard the story of how Amsterdam Mamas began will be familiar with the loneliness which drove me to build a community so that no parent in Amsterdam would ever feel that they did not have somewhere to turn to while raising their family. What you may not know is that Amsterdam Mamas is not the first community that I have built. In the year 2000 I moved to Paris. I had been travelling there for a while on a project and eventually that project needed me there full time. I packed up everything I owned and, much to the horror of my father, Fed Exed it to Paris. He couldn’t believe I could move countries via Fed Ex, when he was my age he had already had me, bought a house and was pursuing a career. I just called Fed Ex and moved country. When I got to Paris I knew none. I was working in a male dominated industry. My office, when I chose to go to it, was in the cargo depot of Paris Charles de Gaulle airport. And when I stayed home, I saw no-one. For the first 3 months, the honeymoon phase, during a glorious Parisian summer I walked the whole of the city, everywhere. I never took a bus or a metro - mostly because I couldn’t work out the system - and so I learnt the city by foot. By month four though, I was becoming seriously concerned that I would never speak to another human socially again without a telephone being involved. Remember, this was before Skype or any of those other services we now take for granted. I had a laptop, dial up internet and webmail but that was it. Reading the local expat classifieds one week, I noticed that there was a tiny ad for “after work” drinks and an e-mail address. Quietly convinced that this was the way I would be hacked to death by an axe murderer, I replied to the ad and drinks were arranged in a local Irish pub. I cannot tell you how terrified I was when I walked into that bar. I knew no-one. I couldn’t even pre-stalk the host on Facebook, because there was no Facebook. I just painted on a smile, tried to look less desperate and walked into the room. In time I began to arrange the monthly nights out in Paris for expats. We began an informal social organisation named New To Paris. We existed pre-Mailchimp but still had hundreds of people on our mailing lists, which we managed through group e-mails each month. I spent the day before every meet up wanting to throw up with the fear of walking into a bar where everybody knew me and everybody was expecting me to orchestrate a great night out for them. I don’t think I have ever truly conquered that fear, but I have refused to let it define me. As Amy Cuddy once told us in her brilliant TED talk. Fake it until you become it. By the end of that first evening in Paris, a group of us were sitting in restaurant, wine stained mouths chatting and laughing. Several of those people later attended my wedding here in Amsterdam, we’ve moved from drunken nights in Paris watching the sun rise to watching each other’s children grow. They are my tribe.
- Before we get into the nitty gritty of how you are going to find and build your tribe, we need to really get into the whats and the whys. Because if you don’t understand what s tribe is and you don’t know why you need one then you probably aren’t going to find one. So, what is a tribe?
- The dictionary says “a social division in a traditional society consisting of families or communities linked by social, economic, religious, or blood ties, with a common culture and dialect, typically having a recognised leader.”
- The incomparable Seth Godin says “A tribe is a group of people connected to one another, connected to a leader, and connected to an idea. For millions of years, human beings have been part of one tribe or another. A group needs only two things to be a tribe: a shared interest and a way to communicate.” They are both accurate descriptions. Of course. But I don’t think that that they truly cover everything. The way in which we have evolved our extended communities to develop tribes and tribes within tribes. Overlapping, ever increasing circles of connectivity which shape our new world. Let me give you an example
- Yup, that’s a rat. I am showing you a slide with a rat on. Stay with me, there’s a reason for this. There is an American writer I love called Paul Jarvis. I was listening to a podcast recently where he explained how he measures people up for his tribe. Paul is a rat person. He loves rats. He keeps several as pets. In his experience most people don’t like rats. But those who do, truly love them. They post pictures of them, they talk about them, they relish in their intelligence and pure ratty-ness. Personally I don’t get it. But Paul does and he says that when you meet another rat person, you just know. You are part of the same tribe. The tribe of the rat people. You understand each other, you connect with each other, you are the people of the rats.
- There is no leader in Paul’s tribe. No one person who governs the rat tribe or who the tribe members look to for direction. They have commonality of interest, rats, and commonality of communication, instagram largely in this case. Not all tribes need leaders, not all tribes want them. What is most important is the subject and the way you communicate it. Your tribe is a place where you know you fit in, where you are comfortable, confident and open. I prefer to think of tribes as huge jigsaw puzzles, places where you have a natural connection to many people and as many subjects as intrigue you.
- Why do you need a tribe? Good question. You are a lone wolf, an entrepreneur, party of one. You’re building your own business. Why do you need a tribe? Several reasons, in my opinion but let’s start with the obvious. I don’t believe in lone wolves. Wolves are a pack animal for a start. I don’t know a single entrepreneur who is truly doing what they do all on their own. Are you? Being part of a tribe does not mean that you lose your sense of identity either. In most cases your sense of self will increase within the security of your tribe. A community of peers who know and support you, just as you are.
- Most of us already belong to tribes. We don’t necessarily acknowledge them as such but we do. We have our families, our friends, our co-workers, our team mates. We fit in them so naturally that we often forget that they are as much a tribe as any other we belong to.
- Your tribe should inspire you. Often they are your number one source of inspiration. Maybe we are talking about your customer tribe, whose needs inspire and drive the products or services you offer them. Maybe we are talking about your family and friends who are championing you to succeed because they love you and they believe in you and they want to see you achieve your dreams. Maybe it’s your fellow entrepreneurs, even those you think are competitors. Why? Because none of us want to see you fail. Stumble, possibly, on our less generous days but we don’t want people to fail, because if you fail then so could we and that is, frankly, terrifying. Your tribes should inspire you. If they don’t, it’s time to start looking for new ones. I’ve talked already about natural fit, about feeling comfortable in your tribe and that is essential. Being part of your tribe should also being you a sense of calm. A certain validation that grounds you and holds you still but also allows you to shine and fly. Support. Inspiration. Validation. These are the key elements of why you need a tribe.
- I can’t give you a list of places that you’ll find them. There’s no little black book for this. I’ve found my tribe in so many places, at the very highest of my highs and the very lowest of my lows. They’ve come to me, they’ve sought me out as soon as I stopped showing up as anyone other than my authentic self. You, when you are truly you, are magnetic to others who are just like you. They cannot help but seek you out. But there are some clear strategies that I have discovered when building my tribes and I would love to pass them on to you.
- Firstly, “Your vibe attracts your tribe” I love that statement. Your vibe attracts your tribe. It’s so true. You may be thinking, what? I don’t have a vibe, I have no idea what my vibe is. Where do I get one of those? Amazon? No. We all have a vibe, but often that vibe has been hidden by years of labelling. The quiet one, the shy one, the funny one. These may all be true but are they necessarily your vibe. Your vibe happens when you are the purest most unmistakable version of yourself. That point when you relax and breathe and forget what image you are meant to be projecting on to others and just be you. This is so important, when you are out there looking for and attracting your tribe. This is no time to be putting your game face on, or worrying if you have sucked your belly in enough or worn the right shoes. If you are going to find your tribe we need you to be showing up as your true, authentic self. I sort of wish you could see all your faces right now. Because it looks like I have just struck fear into the very heart of your souls. Being your true authentic self in public, why?
- This is our first stumbling block people, as female entrepreneurs we come pre-loaded with the burdens society places upon us. The cultural “norms” for females, our innate need to love and be loved, to, at the very least, be liked, the pressures placed upon us by a media who decides how a woman should look and act. And in addition to all those external pressures, that tiny, nagging voice at the back of our heads, or in the pit of our stomachs which says “you’re good, you know, but what if you’re not quite good enough” Can we get a show of hands if you have ever, ever heard that little voice inside you? I have. Terrifying, right? More than terrifying though, limiting, inhibiting and I’m here to tell you completely and utterly wrong. You are more than good enough, every single day. When I look out into this room I don’t even need to have met you to know that you are more than enough. I look out and I see rebels and mavericks and warriors. Women who are showing up and turning out every day for their families, for their businesses and for their communities. Even then that’s not enough for you, because you’re here today to learn and to connect and to inspire, to push yourself even further. A few years ago I came across a quote by Marianne Williamson. It is a quote I have paraphrased to it’s essential core message and shared and shared and shared with my tribe whenever they have needed it. Now I want to share it with you.
- Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. We are all meant to shine. You are more than enough. I know that. I know that even if we have never met in person. Because you are here, showing up and wanting to learn, to develop and to thrive. Who am I though, a woman standing at the front of a room who you may never have met. What do I know? I know, believe me, I know. I know because I hear that little voice of negativity inside me every day - and every day I have to make a conscious decision to ignore it. It is not easy. I’m no different to you. I’m plagued by the fraudy feelings, I’m fighting the fear and each day I am digging deeper to make sure that I continue to live my life out loud, bravely. Which doesn’t meant that you have to enter every room in a dramatic fashion, loudly announcing your presence “I’m HEEEEERE!”. I am certainly not that person. I never have been. I am a classic introvert and in my experience that is true of many female entrepreneurs. We are quiet leaders who reach inside ourselves daily to be the best we can be, to serve our clients and customers and communities. But I have truly found that the key to finding your tribe is you, the real you. Your vibe attracts your tribe. So it’s time to put yourself out there.
- And if, after all that searching and fearless bravery you can’t find the tribe that fits you, build it. I have. At least twice in my life and in two different countries, I have found a deep need for a tribe around me. And when I couldn’t find one, I built one. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing the same. If you cannot find the tribe for you, build it and keep growing it because as I said at the beginning, the authentic you is magnetic, people cannot help but join you when they resonate with you.
- Let’s review. You now know what a tribe is: they are a group which share your common interests and values and who communicate those with you. We know why you need one, to cheer you on, to inspire you and to provide you with the validation we all need in a busy world. You also know how to find one, by committing to showing up as your authentic self, every day and by fighting the fear and fraud feelings which keep so many of us from pursuing the lives that we want to have. Finally, we know that if you cannot find that tribe, you build your own. Fearlessly and passionately.
- Thank you so much for giving me your time today to talk to you about tribe building. Before we head on to the amazing presentations for Spark today, I would like to invite you all to be part of my tribe.
- This is how you can connect with me. I am usually hanging out on instagram more than twitter but the handles are the same. You can find me through my amazing Mama tribe at Amsterdam Mamas. Or on LinkedIn. Wherever we connect, I’m looking forward to getting to know you and watching you build your tribe.
- Any questions. If no questions, then… Before you leave, I want to offer you my secret strategy to help you build your tribes right now, here, today. I want you to start with why. Back in my new to Paris days I used to joke that expats only ever asked each other the same three questions. What’s your name, where are you from, what do you do? Just the bare essentials to get the information they need to assess you for usefulness. But that’s not what we are talking about here today. We are talking about authenticity and digging deeper and for that you need to ask why. So, please turn to the person next to you. Ask their name, ask what they do and then, ask them why? Why do they do what they do? Because that is where it gets really interesting. Go ahead, I’ll wait here….. Did you learn something new, did you see them shine as they talked about the why? Try it out throughout the breaks today, find someone and ask them why. It has been my great pleasure to talk to you today. Have a fabulous time at Spark, I know you will.