Analysis of the impact of polyamorous cultural practicies on jealousy and the actualization of romantic live.

1. Negotiating Pair Bonding,
Romantic Love and Jealousy
in Polyamorous Relationships
Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

2. Definitions
 Polygamy - More Than One Spouse
 Polygyny - More Than One Wife
 Polyandry - More Than One Husband
 Monogamy - One Spouse
 Does not preclude sexual fidelity
 Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a
Time
 Swinging - One Spouse
 Multiple Playmates
 Polyamory - Consensual Multiple
Committed Loving Relationships

3. Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory
 Compersion
 loving empathy for a partner being
loved/engaged by others
 New Relationship Energy (NRE)
 Limerence
 Other Significant Other (OSO)
 Metamour (a partner’s partner)
 Primary, Secondary, Tertiary
 maintain social family hierarchy
 Polyfidelity
 sexually faithful to one’s poly family

4. The Hallmark of Polyamory
 Appetite for Disclosure
 Open to Hear
 Open to Share
 Safety in Knowing
 Compersion
 Positive Regard for Partners’ Extra-
Relationship Erotic/Emotional Connections

5.  Embrace Poly Culture
 Jealousy Management
 Compersion
 NRE Management
 Disclosure
 Transparency
 Consensuality
Poly Cultural Conventions

6. Poly Cultural Practices
 New partners incorporated for novelty
NOT to displace/replace long term ones
 Disinterest in Western culture’s
celebration of “the one.”
 NRE viewed as a temporary state, not a
reason to disrupt one’s home life.
 Avoidance of romantic love roller coasters

7. Poly Configurations
 Open Couple
 Poly Single
 Primary and Secondary Partners
 Multiple Primary Partners
 Triad -- V or
 Quad
 Intimate Network

8. How Being in a Poly
Relationship Feels
 High Demand for Honesty
 Primary vs. Secondary vs. Incidental
 The challenges of having multiple primaries
 Logistics, Communication, Respect
 The challenges of not feeling like anyone’s primary
 The possibility of having multiple statuses
 Being an NRE enhanced favorite and a public primary
 Consideration: Is it possible to be happy with
polyamory and to not feel like a favorite and/or
have a primary status?

9. Poly Players
 Largely Caucasian
 Highly Educated
 Science Fiction Aficionados
 Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s)
 Utopian Swingers
 Frustrated by Monogamy
 Independent Idealists

10. Reproductive Strategies
 Sexy Son Hypothesis (Buss, 1994)
 Partible Paternity (Hrdy, 1999)
 Serial Monogamy (Fisher, 1994)
 Adultery-Divorce-Remarriage Cycle
 Lover in the Wings
 2-4 year Divorce Cycle
 Polygamy
 Polygyny
 Polyandry

11. Pair Bonding
 Banned by Oneida and Kerista
 Focused on group love
 Starling brothers and sisters
 Discouraged investment in NRE

12. Stages of Romantic Love
 Lust
 sexual interest -- love at first sight
 testosterone
 Attraction
 love sick, exhilaration, infatuation, NRE
 dopamine, norepinephrine
 Attachment
 stability, tranquility, peace
 oxytocin, vasopressin
 Detachment
 withdrawal, boredom

13. Brain Chemistry
 Romantic Love raises Dopamine and
Norepinephrine levels
 favoritism (unwavering focus on “the one”)
 obsession with details
 possessiveness/mate guarding
 High Serotonin levels can inoculate
against romantic love roller coasters.
 little need for confirmation of mutual love

14. Is it possible to be in love with
more than one sweetie?
 Its very possible to be in lust with many partners
 Its possible to be in the attachment phase with
multiple partners
 The attraction phase may be largely a mono-
experience
 Rare instances of falling in love with a couple

15. Incidence of Romantic Love
 A Human Universal
 Found in nearly all non-Western societies
 Not a Western Cultural Artifact!
 Considered Different from Sexual Lust
 Can be suicidal when advances are not
reciprocated
 Subject to High Levels of Jealousy!

16. Sex-Love Jealousy
 Biological Roots
 males fear being deceived into raising a non-
biological child
 Cultural Roots
 may be largely a product of cultural learning, being
barely present amongst the Inuit, Marquesans and
Keristans
 Economic Roots
 females fear that their partner’s time, energy and
resources will be directed outside of their home
and their children.

17. Kinds of Jealousy
 Possessive Jealousy
 Typical in attraction phase (NRE)
 Exclusion Jealousy
 feeling left out, deprived of time/attention
 Competition Jealousy
 feeling inadequate comparing oneself
 Ego Jealousy
 feeling others will judge them as inadequate for
sharing a lover
 Fear Jealousy
 anxiety that partner will leave permanently

18. Jealousy and Monogamy
 Jealousy seen as a sign of “true” love.
 Financial penalties for divorce reflect
economic and domestic possessiveness
 Jealousy occurs when Displacement or
Replacement is feared
 Standard Outcome in Monogamous
Cultures

19. Jealousy and Polygyny
 Occurs when resources can be divided
unevenly
 Can happen when visiting times are
unequal
 Can arise when favoritism is suspected
 Can occur when it is not chosen by the
wives
 switching from monogamy to polygyny
 co-wives that don’t get along

20. With my Luo Hosts in
Western Kenya

21. With my Huli Hosts in
Papua New Guinea

22. Residence Patterns
 Luo Circular Hut Compound
 Maasai Hut Compound
 Papua New Guinea (co-wives share residence,
husband sleeps in men’s house)
 U.S. Mormons (separate households, or main
house with adjacent trailers)

23. Husband
2nd Wife
4th Wife
3rd Wife
1st Wife
Grandmother &
Young Children
Main Entrance
Luo
Compound
Unmarried Sons
Private Entrance

24. Maasai Compound

25. Maasai Polygynous Triad

26. Huli Men’s House

27. Huli Co-Wives House

28. Sweet Potato Garden

29. Favoritism
 Whoever is New is Typically Favorite
 The Brain Chemistry of NRE
 High Dopamine
 High Norepinephrine
 How it’s Managed in Africa
 Every wife has a status
 How FLDS Mormons Manage It
 Wives will marry into a new marriage to
become the favorite

30. When Favoritism is Irrelevant
 When Resources are Shared Fairly
 Husbands Endeavor to Treat Their Wives
Equally
 Second Wives Not Displace First Wives
 Newest Wives are “Favorites” Only
until a Subsequent One is Added
 Wives Who Are Not “Favorites” Typically
Shrug it off

31. How Swinging Limits Jealousy
 Taste but Don’t Surrender
 No Elaborate Seduction
 Limited Sharing
 Preserve Social/Legal Monogamy
 Safer Sex
 Viral and Emotional
 Avoid Engaging Highly Attractive Players

32. Polyamory and Jealousy
 It requires personal growth to transform
into no longer being jealous (Nearing)
 Polyamory is a more advanced form of
relationship for those prepared to evolve
beyond monogamy (Anapol)
 You can change the way you
experience jealousy (Easton & Liszt)

33. Polyarmory
 Agreements to ensure one’s own status
and security in a relationship
 Partner Approval (e.g. someone who does
not have a monogamy agenda)
 Scheduled Visits (e.g. no secret
rendezvous)
 Approved Activities (e.g. safe sex)
 No Surprises

34. Polyamory and Jealousy Study*
 229 questionnaires received
 140 questionnaires evaluated
 focused on those that engaged in poly style dating
 swingers who just engage others as a couple at
sex parties were not included
 created an11-point compersion index drawing
from six compersion measures.
*Towards PhD Dissertation, “Jealousy and Transformation in
Polyamorous Relationships” Wolfe, L. 2003

35. Research Objectives
 Gather information on how poly people
construct their social, emotional and
sexual lives
 Explore ways poly people address/
resolve jealousy provoking situations
 Evaluate social and behavioral factors
that might predict compersiveness

36. Data Limitations
 Completion of a questionnaire over a
15-minute time period offers only a brief
emotional snap shot
 Most participants ideologically inclined
towards the logic of polyamory (re:
Compersion Index)
 Questionnaire most coherent to those
living as an “open couple.”

37. Overview
 58 males
 82 females
 Peak Baby Boomers
 Born in mid-1950s

38. Compersion Measures
 Watching a Partner with Someone else
 Being Watched by One’s Partner…
 Feelings about Partner Spending the
Night with other lovers
 What Happens when Partner Returns…
 Impact of Poly Dating on Home
Relationship
 Change Relationship Agreements?

39. Compersion Index
 11 point scale
 Median 9.12
 Only 7.9% less then 7.
 Compersive thinking is largely the norm
for the people who participated in this
survey

40. Survey Conclusions
 Prior Social, Emotional and Sexual
Independence did not preclude
Successful Adaptation to Polyamory
 Over 70% reported that polyamory had
increased their self-esteem and their
love for their home partner
 Nearly 90% reported that being poly
had afforded a better perspective both
on themselves and on their partners.

41. Statistically Significant Correlations
 Males more compersive than females
 greater number of partners
 less attachment
 sense of abundance
 Those who report that they love each of
their lovers equally
 embrace poly ideology
 Heterosexuals who masturbate
frequently
 more substantial inner life

42. Actualizing Compersion /
Negotiating Jealousy
 Developed Inner Life
 masturbation, spirituality, meditation
 Full Plate Life
 busy with work, family, lovers
 Extended Family of Choice
 Believe in Poly Ideology
 Celebrate Starling Relationships
 There is not just one “one”
 High Serotonin Uptake
 Fears of Loss not actualized.
 New loves did not displace/replace partners

43. The Polyamory Blur
 Limit NRE elevating experiences
 Reduces emotional spectrum
 Embrace Compersive Thinking
 Accept/Incorporate partners’ other loves
 Serial Monogamy may be practiced in slow
motion.
 Averts Dramatic Breakups / Divorce
 Engage in “Polyarmory”
 Control Partners’ Activities
 Avoid Non-Poly Romantic Engagements

44. The Real Poly Lessons
 Boundaries
 Respect partners’ needs to be connected
to others
 High intensity communication
 Dark Night of the Soul Journey
 Learning to be alone
 Self-nurturing
 Positive self identity independent from
presence/absence of lovers/partners
 Release the desire to control others