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View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns

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Dan Goldgeier

A broader look at advertising, marketing, branding, global politics, office politics, racial politics, and getting drunk during a job interview. An abridged version is available in softcover and e-book formats at Amazon.com.

Business
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2002 My Client, The Bait-and-Switch Sleazebags .................................................................................................8 Why Few People Respect Advertising in the Morning ...............................................................................10 Are You Targeting Me? Are You Targeting ME? .........................................................................................12 I Got Your Account Planning Right Here, Pal .............................................................................................14 I’m Not Lying To You Right Now ................................................................................................................16 This Agency's For You .................................................................................................................................18 The Creative Teamsters ................................................................................................................................20 Hey, Luke, Squeeze This .............................................................................................................................22 The Enemies Down The Hall ......................................................................................................................24 “60 Minutes” and a Brilliant Marketing Minute ..........................................................................................26 Advertising For Columbine .........................................................................................................................28 ............................................................................................30 On Killer Books and Hard-Hitting Executions Screw Unto Others… ...................................................................................................................................32 This Column is Gold, Baby .........................................................................................................................34 Chapter 11 in The Book Of Advertising ......................................................................................................36 2003 Geezertising .................................................................................................................................................38 Leaping to The Dark Side ............................................................................................................................40 Getting Embedded With the Client ..............................................................................................................42 In The Belly Of The Beast ...........................................................................................................................44 Jumping The Shark ......................................................................................................................................46 Can’t We Just Be Friends? ...........................................................................................................................48 Majority to Minority ....................................................................................................................................50 Telemuckraking ...........................................................................................................................................52 Paging Richard Simmons .............................................................................................................................54 Queer Eye for the Ad Guy ...........................................................................................................................56 Just Sue It .....................................................................................................................................................58 Consult This .................................................................................................................................................60 Random Questions .......................................................................................................................................62 I'm the Best Columnist Ever ........................................................................................................................64 This is Your Holding Company on Drugs ....................................................................................................66 Slippery Jelly at the Helm of a Dubious Idea ..............................................................................................68 The Soul of Soles .........................................................................................................................................70 A Super Lesson ............................................................................................................................................72 Trump and Chumps ......................................................................................................................................74
Brands Flying Blind .....................................................................................................................................76 2004 From a No Show to the One Show ..............................................................................................................78 FBI, CIA, AAAA, and CYA ........................................................................................................................80 Subservient Agency .....................................................................................................................................82 The Bastards Among Us ..............................................................................................................................84 Word-of-a-Whole-Lot-of-Mouths-Advertising ...........................................................................................86 I Cannes Tell You Exactly What Happened .................................................................................................88 Clear Problem, Clear Solution .....................................................................................................................90 Advertising Week (or maybe it’s Advertising Weak) ..................................................................................92 Corvettroversy .............................................................................................................................................94 In the Land of the Fee ..................................................................................................................................96 Black, White, and Spot Color ......................................................................................................................98 Living Under the Bus .................................................................................................................................100 Addicted to Advertising .............................................................................................................................102 New Words for the New Year ....................................................................................................................104 It’s All About the Benjamins--or the Bernbachs ........................................................................................106 Wardrobe Malfunctions and Advertising Dysfunctions .............................................................................108 H-P and the Bigger Picture ........................................................................................................................110 Boeing and Banging ..................................................................................................................................112 Desperate Housewives and Desperate Senators .........................................................................................114 2005 Maximizing Our Skill Sets to Enable Synergistic Crap ............................................................................116 Installing an Upgrade to Ad Industry 2.0 ..................................................................................................118 Madison Avenue, Main Street, and the Arab Street ...................................................................................120 If You’ve Been Injured by an Ad Agency... ...............................................................................................122 The Home for the Strategically Challenged ..............................................................................................124 Taking Size 14 and 36DD Risks ................................................................................................................126 When A.D.D. Adds Up to Crapola .............................................................................................................128 Stuck on Stupid ..........................................................................................................................................130 Directly Speaking, Can We Control Ourselves? ........................................................................................132 The French Evolution ................................................................................................................................134 Polluting the Mental Environment .............................................................................................................136 The Bald Midget and the Furniture Store Owner's Daughter ....................................................................138
I Want My CA, and I Want My MTV ........................................................................................................140 The Super Critics ........................................................................................................................................142 Scrubbing Bubbles and Flubbing CEO's ....................................................................................................144 Living In the Echo Chamber ......................................................................................................................146 Oh, the Humanity ......................................................................................................................................148 **This Column is Not Valid in Indiana .....................................................................................................150 7-Layer Ads ................................................................................................................................................152 2006 Safe, Shit, and Everything Else That Happens ..........................................................................................154 This Column Brought to You by People For Stuff .....................................................................................156 This Land was Hand-Crafted for You and Me ...........................................................................................158 The Interactive Ghetto ...............................................................................................................................160 HeadOn--and Production Values Off .........................................................................................................162 Hardback Books and Hard Truths ..............................................................................................................164 The Consumer is Not a Moron. Or am I? ..................................................................................................166 The Tale of Retail .......................................................................................................................................168 Be Borat or Be Boring ...............................................................................................................................170 Righting the Writing ..................................................................................................................................172 Rescuing Lost Brands ................................................................................................................................174 Of So-Called Rock Stars and Stage-Hogging Poseurs ..............................................................................176 Dinosaurs, Cockroaches, And Guerrillas ...................................................................................................178 The Law of the Advertising Landscape .....................................................................................................180 The Agency Internal Combustion Engine ..................................................................................................182 The Sanjaya Principle ................................................................................................................................184 Surrounding Yourself With Breakthrough Nonsense .................................................................................186 Harry Potter and the Obtuse Client ............................................................................................................188 2007 A Diverse Set of Problems .........................................................................................................................190 Turning Chinese .........................................................................................................................................192 Shuffling the Deckhands ............................................................................................................................194 Getting Back to Your Agency’s Roots ........................................................................................................196 When Bad Ideas Happen To Good Agencies .............................................................................................198 A Carbon-Neutral Pile of Manure ..............................................................................................................200 The Importance of Filtering Actionable Jargon Into Buckets ....................................................................202
Striking it Rich, or At Least Striking It Profitable .....................................................................................204 Outsourced Outside The Box .....................................................................................................................206 Year-End Closeout Thoughts .....................................................................................................................208 Primary Lessons, And Secondary Ones Too ..............................................................................................210 Chasing a Moving Target ...........................................................................................................................212 Obamarketing .............................................................................................................................................214 Some Free Thinking ..................................................................................................................................216 Where Adweek Meets Businessweek ........................................................................................................218 When Weird Works ....................................................................................................................................220 Digitally Divided We Stand .......................................................................................................................222 Back to the Future of the Past ....................................................................................................................224 Interactive Agencies and Passive Mentalities ............................................................................................226 2008 The Defense of the Offensive ....................................................................................................................228 The Loyal Treatment ..................................................................................................................................230 Cutting Off a Campaign’s Legs .................................................................................................................232 Read This or Else .......................................................................................................................................234 From Wasilla to Madison Avenue ..............................................................................................................236 The War On Talent .....................................................................................................................................238 A Cheap High and New Lows ....................................................................................................................240 The Fantasy of Reality-Based Advertising ................................................................................................242 The Advertising Industry Stimulus Package ..............................................................................................244 ROI: Advertising’s Dirty Four-Letter Word ..............................................................................................246 Why Asking May Be the Answer ..............................................................................................................248 Couples Counseling for the Agency-Client Relationship ..........................................................................250 Read Globally, Be Pissed Locally .............................................................................................................252 Nothing is Dead, So Let’s Bury that Idea ..................................................................................................254 The Path To Empathy .................................................................................................................................256 But Wait, There Really is More .................................................................................................................258 Are You Smarter Than An Ad Student? .....................................................................................................260 2009 Wherever You Go, There You Advertise ....................................................................................................262 Brands and Stands ......................................................................................................................................264 Life is Not a Two-Page Visual Solution Spread ........................................................................................266
Capitalism: An Advertising Story ..............................................................................................................268 From Cliff to the Abyss ..............................................................................................................................270 Giving the Usual Routine the Boot ............................................................................................................272 In Ad We Trust ...........................................................................................................................................274 Tiger, A Little Tail, and the Marketing Beast .............................................................................................276 Houston, We Might Could Have a Problem ..............................................................................................278 Thirsting for Originality .............................................................................................................................280 The Bigness of Small, Powerful Targets ....................................................................................................282 Your Attention, Please -- If You Can Spare Any ........................................................................................284 Brand Building, Now 30 Percent Off ........................................................................................................286 Spilling the Brand Promise ........................................................................................................................288 Tracking the Rise of Tracking ....................................................................................................................290 The Irregularity of Regulating the Ad Biz .................................................................................................292 News You Might Not Want to Use .............................................................................................................294 More Advertising Needs to Smell Like Fun ..............................................................................................296 2010 Can One Agency Really Do It All for a Client? .........................................................................................298 Happiness in Advertising? Now That’s an Idea Worth Counting ..............................................................300 It’s Still the Economy, Stupid -- So We Need to be Smarter .....................................................................302 Looking for Transparency in Marketing? Sorry, There’s Nothing There ..................................................304 Want Less Government? Then You Might Get Less Advertising ..............................................................306 Surely, Ads Can Still Influence Popular Culture ........................................................................................308 Do You Have an “Off” Switch ...................................................................................................................310 The Rope and the Tug of Advertising. Which Do You Prefer? ..................................................................312 The Strange Reality of Working Virtually .................................................................................................314
Branding. Religion. Censorship. Office politics. Global politics. Sexual politics. Good ads. Bad ads. Ageism. Sexism. Racism. Art. Science. ROI. CRM. BS. CYA. Think of a topic related to advertising. Chances are you’ll find it in here. I started writing this column on TalentZoo.com in 2002. And since then, I’ve always been the first to tackle controversial, newsworthy and provocative issues that advertising professionals confront on a daily basis but rarely discuss. Why? Because I believe that advertising, and the ad industry in general, suffers because of the cumulative effect of thousands of dimwitted decisions made every day. I’ve witnessed quite a lot of good advertising business practices. But I’ve also witnessed quite a lot of dysfunction. And it’s healthy to talk about both of those. Advertising is a business based on communication, yet so often ad agencies do a poor job with their own internal communication. Advertising agencies believe they are the “stewards” of their clients’ brands, yet advertising agencies do a lousy job managing their own brands. These are just a couple of the numerous ironies and idiosyncrasies of the ad industry. Most editorials written by advertising’s so-called “creative superstars” generally lapse into "let's fight and push our clients to break the mold" pseudo-inspirational bullshit. If it was that easy to create and sell great work, the One Show annual would be 5000 pages long. So I decided there was a need to question everything about the way the ad industry conducts business. In my columns, I ask tough questions. I don't claim to have all the answers, and I don’t think anyone else does, either. But I’m happy to be the one who starts the conversation. I possess the ability to see and understand how even the smallest details comprise the big picture. That’s why I call my column “View From the Cheap Seats.” I’ve heard from hundreds of people who appreciate what I write. I hope you enjoy reading these columns. And because I believe in the power of constructive communication and feedback, please let me know what you think. Send your comments to dgoldg@mindspring.com. © 2002-2011 by Dan Goldgeier. All rights reserved. Articles contained herein originally appeared on TalentZoo.com and have been reproduced with permission from Talent Zoo Inc. Please feel free to make photocopies of the contents of this publication and tack up favorite columns on your cubicle wall. Just don’t sell this book to some dude in SoHo who’s peddling movie scripts and bootleg DVD’s from a card table. Wow, you’ve read this far? Amazing. Who says nobody reads body copy anymore?
3/21/2002 My Client, The Bait-and-Switch Sleazebags Why would honest agency people work for dishonest clients? All advertising people eventually own up to a certain amount of self-loathing about the ad business. Hucksters, whores, sellouts--we question whether the world really needs this advertising shit. For the most part though, ad people perform a service that helps clients and greases the wheels of capitalism and hey, capitalism is a good thing. But what happens when we work on something that makes us truly loathe the ad business? I started thinking about that question once when I worked on a particular project. Not to get into specifics, but my clients were truly bait-and-switch con artists. They (with my copywriting help) wanted to advertise a service for a certain price. Then they admitted to me that 90% of the time, customers pay 4 times as much for the work if it’s done properly. In other words, I had to promote a $100 deal that that usually ended up costing $400. All this to a blue-collar target audience who needed to keep their hard-earned money. The whole assignment made me want to puke. Okay, fine, these people had a history of working with my agency, no big deal, I just did the work and kept my mouth shut. Then, poking around the Internet one day, I did a search on this company and discovered they had been profiled on a weekly newsmagazine show and investigated by the Better Business Bureau in several states for deceptive practices. To make matters worse, my clients really were not nice people. The account represented only a tiny sliver of our agency's billings but consumed huge amounts of time because they were so high-maintenance and demanding. The account was unprofitable, and the creative was awful, too. I wish I had the power to tell this client to take a flying leap, but I didn't. I was just a lowly CW and there’d be hell to pay if I actually spoke the truth. I couldn't understand why my boss ever gave this client the time of day. Why he never told them that running deceptive ads was a horrible idea that, while it might drive short-term traffic, would kill them in the long run. Why he never pointed out that brand loyalty erodes when they continually screw their customers. No, he just went along with all of it--even though our agency would do just fine without them. Did this mean our agency was as scummy as our clients? Clients like these are all over the place. Agencies, too. As I found out, even legitimate, honest ad agencies run by honest people are all too happy to service the business. But as professionals, we need to draw a distinction between puffed-up language and dishonest claims. Too often, we know when our clients want to cross the line yet we’re reluctant to call them on it or suggest a higher road. Is this why so much advertising stinks? Is this why consumers have such a low regard for advertising and the people who make it?
All the truly good work our industry does gets neutralized in the face of crap like bait-and-switch advertising. Regrettably, faced with my own bait-and-switch client, I didn’t do shit. Maybe I won’t do shit next time either, or maybe I’ll take a stand. Maybe now is a good time to begin taking a stand against clients that promote their products and services with deceptive marketing. Who’s with me? ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 9
5/2/2002 Why Few People Respect Advertising in the Morning (Or any other time of day) As an industry that assaults the public with unwelcome messages, advertising has a responsibility to do more than just make, or take, money. So, when I see a high-profile campaign that sucks, it really pisses me off because everyone sees the greed and shallowness of the ad industry. The consequences are harmful when a high profile campaign misses the mark so widely. I’ll pick one example. You’ve all seen the latest anti-drug ads or at least you’ve heard about them. Teenagers saying overly dramatic soundbites like, “I helped kidnap a Columbian judge” or “I helped slaughter a Venezuelan family.” You’re supposed to believe these teens are somewhat responsible for the treacherous state of today’s world just because they smoked pot or popped Ecstasy. Give me a fuckin’ break. I’m not going to spew a long-winded political diatribe on the subject. This column isn’t “Hardball.” No matter what I think about the war on drugs or the war on terrorism, the fact remains this ad campaign is an untruthful, irrelevant, giant steaming pile of crap. However, I’m willing to be a good, compliant American. If the Government’s new ad strategy involves using the threat of terrorism to fix our nation’s ills, I’m on board. In fact, I’ve even concepted the second round of the campaign. Here’s my thinking and the execution: -What has funded our recent terrorism more than drug money? America’s dependence on oil. -Who in America uses the most oil? Folks who drive SUV’s and minivans. -Who drives SUV’s and minivans? Soccer moms. So I say the next batch of ads feature soccer moms behind the wheel of their Expeditions and Land Rovers, saying their gas-guzzling vehicles encourage terrorism and worldwide carnage. Now, why won’t you see those ads? Simple. Soccer moms vote. Teenagers don’t.
The current ads point fingers at teenagers, a group of people who don’t have a registered voice to talk back, and it’s a cop-out to lay the terrorist problem at their feet. Yes, the anti-drug campaign is controversial. It’s being talked about. Fine. Stopping terrorism and drug use by linking the two won’t put a dent in either. Good advertising has at least a nugget of truth, believability, or entertainment. The anti-drug spots fail on all three accounts. I picked this campaign because it isn’t a Macaroni & Cheese or feminine hygiene account. We expect those categories to be filled with bad work. I don’t intend to piss on this one campaign and the campaign’s creators. Simply put, I want to illustrate that bad thinking on a high-profile account in a public service- type category like this is truly harmful to the advertising industry. Admittedly, I feel slightly sorry for the ad folks who worked on the campaign. I know it sucks to work from a ridiculous creative brief, having done it many times myself. Plus, the client is the Government. Uncle Sam is well-stocked with guns and search warrants. What are you gonna do, look your powerful client in the eye and tell them they’re wrong? Would your agency (or any agency, for that matter) turn down lucrative government cash on principle alone? I will venture a guess that most ad professionals see right through public service campaigns that do nothing to truly serve the public. Ad people have a knack for detecting bullshit even while we are slinging it. If we as ad professionals don’t believe it, why do we think millions of people will believe it? Recently, the outgoing Chairman of the Board of Directors of the 4A’s said that the general public doesn't respect the ad industry "as much as they should." Well, duh. I think the anti-drug campaign is a high-profile example of why. Advertising can be a powerful tool to advance businesses, organizations and certainly causes. Advancing those entities successfully means strategic thinking and execution that comes from an honest place. It’s not too late to maintain some credibility of the craft of advertising. First, however, we need to stop whoring ourselves to anyone who waves a buck in our face, and then ask to be respected. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 11
5.21.2002 Are You Targeting Me? Are You Targeting ME? As long as they don’t know too much about me, I'm all for 1-to-1 marketing Someone in the ad business recently told me, "In a few years, all marketing will be direct marketing." I think that's a likely proposition, and a very scary one. Selling a client on things like CRM and one-on-one marketing is easy. Clients salivate when you mention services that “add value,” and those services tend not to involve breakthrough creative ideas. Clients are attracted to any rational way to justify their companies’ marketing expenses to their boss. They hunt for quantifiable results wherever they can find them, and they're quick to value data over mass marketing. Most of us are familiar with direct marketing in the classic sense. Publishers’ Clearing House. Ron Popeil’s Spray-on Hair. Telemarketing calls at dinner. However, the notion of creating a one-to-one relationship with every customer is slowly creeping into every segment of marketing, and taking shape in new ugly ways. So far, I've been resisting grocery stores' so-called "loyalty cards." It's really not loyalty--more of a Pavlovian method of jacking up prices and lowering them again the next week. The hope is consumers will be attracted to weekly sale prices they can only attain by using their handy loyalty card. This perceived “savings” supposedly increases store loyalty. But true brand loyalty lies in the trust a consumer places in a brand. I don’t trust these cards, so these stores sure as hell don't have loyalty from me. If I applied for a “loyalty card,” I’d need to supply my name, address, phone number and other personal info. The card would have a unique ID strip to identify me when I buy something. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I thought of a scenario that doesn't seem too far-fetched to me. If I go in and buy Twinkies, cigarettes, and beer every week, they know. What if my HMO found out about my slovenly purchases? Would I get a "lazy bastard" surcharge on my monthly premiums? Could an insurance company deny me health care coverage altogether until I start buying rice cakes and bottled water? Yuck! Even drugstore chains are introducing loyalty cards. Can personal hygiene habits be tracked? That's even scarier. Maybe technology lacks the sophistication to link people directly to the merchandise they bought. How do I know that? I don't. There’s no telling what information is being collected and how it’s being used.
What would happen if a grocery store chain went out of business and sold its customer database to someone else? Sounds to me like that’s a more valuable asset than the shelving and freezers. Every week a news story appears about our increasingly tracked lives. A certain mega gigantic software company can track documents written on its software. TV recording devices make note of what you watch. Websites record where you’ve surfed. Even courts can subpoena bookstore purchases to find out what you read. Every day, databases around the world collect more and more information about us without our direct consent. Although much of our industry embraces these marketing techniques, I’m confident it will come back to haunt us. The public may not revolt against marketers in protest, but as consumers ourselves, each one of us will face a day when we realize someone out there knows too much about our habits. The ad industry always struggles with the battle of art vs. commerce. We know that the ad business will always be an inexact science, and there’s no precise method of predicting consumer behavior. The pursuit of data enhances our capabilities, and yes, it often adds value to our services. But at what price? Have we entered an era where the only way the ad industry can increase its value to our clients is to resort to Big Brother tactics? As an industry, we have responsibilities to the public as well as our clients. Just because technology allows us to track this stuff, does that mean we should? We’ll never again see an area where a simple TV or print campaign is all a brand needs. Would our industry ever decide that certain one-to-one marketing techniques and research methods should be off-limits? I wonder if it’s too late to have that discussion. If it isn’t too late, well, I’m here, and I like Cheez Doodles. Or did you already know that? ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 13
6/13/2002 I Got Your Account Planning Right Here, Pal Do we really wanna know what consumers think? Admit it: whenever you tell someone you work in advertising, they turn into an instant critic. At a family gathering last year, my uncle came up to me and started complaining about commercials. In this case, he was bitching about a couple of Wieden and Kennedy’s Miller High Life spots. We didn’t have a long conversation. Me: “Do you drink beer?” My Uncle (who’s about 60): “No.” Me: “Then what do you care?” Sure, I could have talked his ear off about target audiences, the advantage of entertaining ads, the lack of USPs in beer advertising, but I would have been wasting my time. My uncle wouldn’t care, he only knows he doesn’t like/get/understand the ad, and “how can a commercial like that possibly sell beer?” Wait a minute. Didn’t the Miller High Life campaign win awards? That means it MUST be brilliant, right? How come my uncle doesn’t recognize that brilliance? If I have to try and defend award-winning spots to people, I will definitely have trouble defending the real crappy ones. What bothers me is I know my uncle is not an anomaly. A lot of “breakthrough creative” goes over consumers’ heads. Not because they’re the wrong target for the ad, or because they’re stupid. Consumers just don’t analyze advertising the same way ad professionals incessantly do. Ad people sweat the details most folks don’t notice. But often times, it falls on deaf ears: I had someone tell me once, “I’ve never seen an ad that made me buy anything.” And then she drove off, to Pottery Barn, in her Lexus, stopping at Starbucks along the way. You know people like this, right? We ad pros have convinced ourselves that the kind of advertising consumers say they respond to in a survey or focus group does not always correlate to a purchase. It’s an ever-so-subtle way of thinking we know what’s best for consumers. In order to bridge the gap between what people say and what people do, we’ve invented all sorts of methods to get “inside consumers’ heads.” My question is: Do we really want to know what’s in there?
For all the talk about understanding our audience and identifying with their lifestyles, why don’t we get some of them to judge award shows? Boy you’ll get a wake up call then. Let them get in a room with all the work spread out on long tables. Pump them with coffee and let their eyes glaze over. Let’s see what they come up with. Who would take home Best of Show at a People’s Choice advertising award show—the AFLAC duck? The 1800-COLLECT commercial with Carrot Top? The Dell ads with that punk kid? (Actually it might be those truly funny Bud Light “Real Men of Genius” radio spots—I’ve heard many non-ad people rave about them. Is there anyone on the planet that dislikes those?) We’re living in a time where clients are trying to maximize the effectiveness of their advertising dollars, and clients don’t correlate effectiveness with what ad people deem to be creativity. Advertising, therefore, has become more pervasive and more ubiquitous. We’ve turned up the volume to 11, but it’s the same old song. Is that what consumers, like my uncle, want? I would’ve asked him, but by then I’d had a few too many Miller High Lifes. Hey, I’m trying my best to consume the products of One Show winners. It’s the least I can do. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 15
7/8/2002 I’m Not Lying To You Right Now Did corporate America learn the art of lying from advertising? The last few weeks have been rough. See, I’m a WorldCom shareholder. Or, uh, I was. And I’m pissed. Some people need to go to jail. Hell, I want to make a citizens’ arrest. WorldCom is only the latest in a long line of corporate clusterfucks. Seems that many executives think it’s perfectly fine to lie straight-faced to the media, stockholders, customers, and most importantly, their employees. What MBA program teaches that lying is an acceptable practice? If profit and greed were the motives for all this illegal activity, then the executives who made these decisions were simply in pursuit of serious wealth. More wealth than anyone really needs, which I wouldn’t ordinarily have a problem with. Except in this case, screwing over other people in pursuit of this wealth wasn’t an obstacle. Which led me to think: Did the advertising industry legitimize lying for the rest of the country? Any student of advertising knows that back in the early days, stinky breath, B. O., and lifeless hair were all touted as sure tickets to living a life without friends and no chance of ever getting laid. (Those facts haven’t changed, but it really is a little subtler now). Over the years, however, the ad industry upped the ante. Advertising promotes the good life. Nicer homes, nicer cars, nicer stereos, nicer wrinkle-free faces, etc. It didn't matter if a person couldn't afford the lifestyle, that's what credit cards and second mortgages were for. But corporate executives had other methods of acquiring wealth: cooking the books, ludicrous stock option packages and golden parachutes. It’s possible the corporate thievery and greed we're reading about these days have been perpetrated by people who were hell-bent on living the lifestyle that advertising told them was possible. I really hope advertising isn’t the root cause of the current malaise. I like to believe that advertising serves a good and valuable service in a capitalistic society. We send the messages, but we don’t coerce people to take action. If a person has a fundamental sense of right and wrong, and some self-control, no amount of advertising can make someone dishonest in the pursuit of wealth or nicer goods. Reading the headlines, however, makes me wonder if anyone has self-control these days. Our actions have come back to haunt us. The ad industry is in a deep recession because we’re now on the ass end of a boom our marketing imagery helped create.
As a society, do we need to pull back on the relentless pursuit of more and better stuff? Can advertising agencies and clients survive a change like that? Or are we resigned to a culture of relentless consumption and greed? The problem is that the more drastic the economic situation is and the tighter competition gets, the more marketers will do to skirt the rules to sell as much as possible. As a result, the fine print gets longer and the little white lies get bigger. To promote the corporate image, companies will pass themselves off as healthier, more viable businesses than they really are. We can find a middle ground. I believe the advertising industry can promote its clients’ products in an engaging, informative way without causing consumers to overextend themselves. I believe corporations can market themselves and pursue their profit motives without doing it at the expense of the rest of the population. Of course, I also believed WorldCom stock was a good investment. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 17
7/23/2002 This Agency's For You The industry’s sucking wind--maybe advertising agencies should try advertising Agencies are cutting costs. Cutting people. Freezing salaries. Hocking the foosball tables. Getting rid of the free bagels. All of which are symptoms of a bigger problem. Every week, a new article appears about how advertising is dying or becoming irrelevant. In general, the industry can’t seem to stop the slide. Most agencies do good work for clients, but that message isn’t getting out. So why aren’t ad agencies promoting themselves by advertising? Besides the cutesy masturbatory ads you see in Creativity magazine or a local awards show annual, you never really see ads for ad agencies, do you? I actually saw an agency in Texas advertise itself. The shop took out full-page ads in a slick regional magazine. One had a photo of a bull in it with the line “Great ads without the bull.” I think another one had a donkey with the line “kick ass advertising.” I know, I know, but they get an A for effort in my book. At least someone’s out there doin’ it. This agency kept up the self- promotion for a long time, too—every month was a new ad. Then I read recently that they had to lay a few people off. You’ll never see advertising agencies advertise themselves often. Is there a secret fear that advertising doesn’t work, so agencies don’t ingest their own medicine? Can agencies simply not afford the media? I would say “no” to both those questions. Here’s the real reason why you won’t see ads for agencies: creating those ads would be the most politically charged, fucked-up assignment anyone ever worked on. Donating a kidney would be a more pleasurable experience. Most agencies sound alike in their self-promotion materials. Want proof? Look at the mission statements you see on agency web sites: “We’re passionate about the power of creative ideas to get business-building results for our marketing partners.” Or some shit like that. I’ve found that most people in agency management don’t have a vision for their business. (And no, making a shitload of money and screwing employees in the process doesn’t count as a “vision.”) And the fish rots from the head down. Without a point of differentiation, agency self-promotion efforts devolve into the very kind of advertising we loathe-- full of non-offensive double-talk and empty platitudes.
If you filled out a creative brief to sell your agency as a brand, what would it say? And what kind of creative work would result? Until ad agencies get better at building their own brands--promoting their own services, defining what they stand for, and defending their point-of-view and their work, clients will find other ways to spend their marketing dollars. After all, brands either live up to their promises, or they die. Right? ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 19
8/12/2002 The Creative Teamsters What if advertising people had a union? As a baseball fan, I get really sickened at the prospect of yet another players’ strike. Then I get really intrigued at the same time. If baseball players, actors, and screenwriters can form unions, why can’t advertising professionals? Advertising doesn’t require heavy lifting, and unless your boss has an X-ACTO knife fetish or full-time PMS the work isn’t dangerous, but our industry struggles with all the hot button issues that unions have traditionally tackled: job security, hours, benefit cutbacks, blatant age and sex discrimination, fill-in-yourgripe here. Me, I’ve written TV and radio campaigns that were so effective they were still being aired long after I’d left the agencies I wrote them for, with not an extra penny or drop of credit to show for the effort. If I had been a union VO talent on those spots instead of the copywriter, I might have been more properly compensated. Let’s also address the current state of staffing in the ad business today. Nothing is more pathetic than ad people who blurt out “I’m slammed” when you ask them how they’re doing. Seems that nobody has the means to hire additional help, yet “slammed” is a sorry-ass way to live no matter what kind of work you’re doing for a living. So what if we all did something about the industry’s current sorry state of affairs, like unionize and strike? A strike would test the notion of how much impact a “superstar” employee has on the end product, how interchangeable ad pros really might be, and how much of a vendor-like commodity advertising is. Just imagine, if you will, an advertising creatives’ strike. While ad people are off picketing (or hanging out at the bar or Starbucks), agency owners and holding company executives could hire scabs. Maybe the scabs would bring back the puns that were so in vogue 20 years ago. (“Makes Pasta Fasta” lives again!!) Maybe every ad would feature dogs, babies and big-ass logos. I imagine the work at Wieden would suffer tremendously, but nothing coming out of Grey would be any worse.
The weird part is, the more I think about an advertising union, the more, uh, anti-American it sounds. I mean, unions seem like such an Industrial Revolution throwback kind of thing, a 20th century solution to a 21st century problem. However, as the ad industry becomes more centrally controlled, with more work being done by less people, and technology making it virtually impossible not to spend all of one’s waking hours thinking about work, I wonder what the solution might be. Two high-profile books coming out soon are predicting “the fall” and “the end” of advertising. Well, maybe some radical thinking could save the business. Although Hollywood no longer employs the “studio system” that kept people bound for years, the screenwriters, actors, directors, and other groups still receive some form of protection for their labor. The ad industry loves to compare itself to Hollywood, with our politicized work environments, our “creative superstar” system, and constant art vs. commerce battles. So, why not follow Hollywood’s lead and unionize? Hey, at least we’d have picket signs with killer headlines and art direction. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 21
9/10/2002 Hey, Luke, Squeeze This A plea for some useful advice If I see any of the following phrases again I'm going to scream: "Push the envelope." "Good enough is not good enough." "Tell the client what they need to hear, not what they want to hear." "Get your book together and quit your measly job if you're not getting into CA." I don't fault ad people for the volumes of books and op-ed columns they write to inspire us. I’d just like to see some advice for those of us who spend our days at agencies where greatness is in short supply. At shops struggling to get to “the next level,” which are the majority of agencies, the hurdles to producing great ads are much more fundamental. Recently, I was thumbing through my well-worn copy of Luke Sullivan’s Hey Whipple Squeeze This. It’s a great book. Luke's a genius. I personally just can't seem to use much of his advice. Here are a few of Luke’s tips: “Insist on a tight strategy.” Good one. I’m a big believer in strategic thinking, and on a few occasions, I’ve been allowed to contribute to the process. So what happens when you don’t have a strategy at all, much less a tight one? What should you do when you don’t get a creative brief, and you’re not in a position to change that? Insisting on a tight strategy is futile when "increase sales and increase awareness" is all the insight you get. “Cast and cast and cast.” Luke’s talking about radio here. I love writing radio, and I know that casting is essential. So what do you do when a client wants to record new radio spots, but doesn’t want to pay for union talent. Or pay for non-union talent. He simply looks around the room at the two thin-voiced writers and says “You guys have nice voices. Why don’t you do it?” “If the client says he has three important things to say, tell the account executive the client needs three ads.” In my experience, this tends to go over like a lead balloon. I could tell an AE that all day long,and the AE might be sympathetic, but I’ll still end up with ad that has a snipe on the top, a snipe on the bottom, and a starburst in the corner.
“Don’t let advertising mess up your life.” Well, it’s too late for that, I’m afraid. Sometimes I think the sole purpose of advertising is to mess up people’s lives. In a perfect world, we could all throw out a choice Luke Sullivan, David Ogilvy, or Bill Bernbach bons mots and our fellow co-workers and clients would instantly see the light of day. But the world isn’t perfect. There’s a legion of ad professionals who aren’t doing two-page spreads with near-invisible logos. Who only have $20,000 to do a TV commercial. Who have clients that would rather art direct or rewrite an ad than approve one. Who work in agencies that are understaffed or improperly staffed, which compromises strategic thinking, planning, concepting and execution. Where’s the advice for us? I’ve heard the statement that "90% of all advertising is crap." Lord knows, I’ve done my share. But it’s been my experience that producing “crap” is a group effort, requiring the collective efforts of clients, agency management and staff. I’m only one person, with no power over anything other than this column. How can I overcome the poorly trained yes-men and yes-women who lurk in every facet of the ad making process? Help me, Luke. I need you. Together, we can bring that “crap” percentage down. We should be able to get it to 89% in no time. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 23
9/24/2002 The Enemies Down The Hall Can't the various disciplines all just get along? Even in the year 2002, many agencies keep people of different disciplines isolated from one another. While espousing "integrated communications," we have segregated agencies. Maybe you’ve worked in a shop like that. I have. I'd only been at the agency a week or two when an assignment came in to write headlines for a new campaign consisting of 15 ads or so. So I wrote a bunch of headlines and taped each one to the wall of my office. That way, I'd take a look, get some reaction from my co-workers, and get a sense of which headlines were the strongest. Perfectly normal, or so I thought. Not at this shop. Before me, no one had ever publicly displayed ideas in their gestation stage like I did. I was treated like a sideshow freak. "You really need to decorate your office better," one AE smirked. I'd stumbled into a nether-nether world where no one collaborated and ideas were not shared until it was time to actually present something. Everyone, in every discipline, keeps their cards close to their chest. The distrust runs far and deep. Does your agency keep account service, media, and creative people separated in different parts of your office? Or on different floors? I suggest an agency structured so dysfunctionally runs like a prison. You know, where the white-collar criminals stay separated from child rapists. Physical barriers become mental barriers. I've heard many creative directors say, "Well, if we don't do such-and-such, we'll look bad to account service." As if someone in the agency is keeping score. We couldn't even pitch rough ideas internally without fear of having it killed. Bill Backer once said ideas need "care and feeding." Well, I suppose that means I've worked at the advertising equivalent of an abortion clinic. The "us vs. them" mentality of account service and creative people still exists in many agencies across the country. Hell, at many places, the media people stay even more isolated than the rest of the agency. Terrible. I've always believed that the many of the best creative executions have involved a unique media placement. Knowing when and where an ad will appear, and using that info to custom tailor a message, is a powerful tool. Unfortunately, media people aren't involved in the creative process. And vice versa.
There's no law that says AE's can't write a headline or media people can't think about creative executions. There's no law that says a copywriter can't help write an account plan or a creative brief. Ideas can come from anywhere, and they can be improved by anyone. We all have our respective jobs to do, and areas of expertise. Advertising, however, is a collaborative business. A business where no two products made are alike. In order to be successful, an agency needs to welcome an open free-flow of ideas. Let the bad ideas die on their merits, not because of fear, ego or politics. Stop the infighting. Stop the isolation. Start working together on every project, from the beginning. I believe an ad agency can operate this way and still make money. Besides, we all know who the real enemy is. It's the client. Right? ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 25
10/15/2002 “60 Minutes” and a Brilliant Marketing Minute How Donny Deutsch Made Advertising Relevant Again--For a Moment A few weeks ago, “60 Minutes” ran a segment that focused on network TV and advertising’s perpetual fixation with youthful target audiences. They interviewed Donny Deutsch and also showed some clips from the Mitsubishi campaign. When the segment was over and they went to commercial, guess what the first spot in the break was? Yup —a Mitsubishi spot. Brilliant move, Donny. This media buy might have been a coincidence, but I’m willing to bet it was intentional. Seems to me the audience of “60 Minutes” doesn’t reflect Mitsubishi’s target demographics on an ordinary Sunday. In this case, however, the fit was perfect, and the subject matter of the story put me in the right frame of mind to see the commercial moments later. I use this example because the impression I get is not that Deutsch has savvier media buyers (though they might be) or that Donny Deutsch is a whiz at his own PR (though we all know he is), but that his agency overall is a more creative and effective agency in terms of what they do for their clients. So much talk focuses on why PR is more effective than advertising these days, but ad agencies don’t have to become irrelevant. Perhaps we can learn from Deutsch’s example—an example of why he’s an effective brand steward for Mitsubishi. The fundamental premise of advertising is built on paid airtime or space—agencies and clients control what the message is, who sees the message and when they see the message. Do ad agencies utilize the benefits implied in that premise? Hell no. We have so much control over a brand’s communications, yet most advertising is still dull, irrelevant, and in ever higher quantities that numb the senses. Can one person, or one creative team, one AE, fix this problem one ad at a time? Sure. While we determine how brands should fit into a consumers’ lifestyle, we should also determine how a brand’s advertising more closely matches the media environment. As a creative person, I have always made it a point to find out when and where an ad will appear before I begin concepting, because all information pertaining to an assignment, including media placement, is powerful. I keep all the information in mind so I create a more creative and effective ad.
If I know the ad is going in the sports section, I write an ad relevant to the people who read the sports section. If an ad’s going to air primarily late at night, I write with insomniacs in mind. I thought this logic could be easily applied at smaller agencies where it’s easy for every department to work closely together, and small clients could appreciate the added value of strategic thinking that blends creative, media and PR. Unfortunately, in my experience, small agencies, in particular, seem ill-equipped to implement such a process. Every assignment for a brand fits into The Big Picture. Every point of communication can further build a brand. Any client can benefit from integrated ideas (and in Mitsubishi’s case, sharp thinking and good timing) that make budgets go farther. But many agencies don’t encourage their employees to embrace interdisciplinary thinking. Nor do agencies strongly advocate to their clients the benefits of that approach. In the haste to simply get work out the door, people fail to consider the big picture, big ideas go unrewarded, and our clients’ money gets wasted. Maybe that’s why people are beginning to think advertising has decreasing relevance. Maybe that’s why small ad agencies stay small. Maybe that’s why Deutsch went from a small agency to national prominence in only a few years. So here’s to you, Donny. Your PR stunt, backed with paid advertising, worked on me. Just don’t get a big head because I’m giving you props, okay? ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 27
11/5/2002 Advertising For Columbine The message we send to consumers: Be afraid--be very afraid Okay, I won't make this a movie review, but I recently saw Michael Moore's new movie "Bowling for Columbine." The film is a study of violence in America, and a culture of fear that seems, in part, to be fueled by media hype. It's a great movie, and whether you agree with Moore’s views or tactics, he makes you think. At least he made me think--because advertising, though not a central culprit in the movie, plays a supporting role. Has advertising created fear as the primary reason to buy something? Is preying upon that fear the best method of marketing? As advertisers, can we sell our client's goods and services to an audience that's too scared to buy? Where I live, the nightly local news is a litany of stories about murders, car accidents, robberies, school violence and health alerts. How can an advertiser transition to happy news of "STOREWIDE SAVINGS!" at a commercial break and expect their audience to be receptive? We preach about understanding consumers’ mindsets, but have you ever seen a creative brief that describes a target audience as “scared shitless?” When people are afraid, advertising loses relevance by assuming everything’s OK. Take the recent D.C. sniper shootings. I don't live in the D.C. area, but I really would love to know how gas stations or convenience stores could advertise as if they were conducting business as usual-- sending the message of "hey, come in for gas and soda" when people were afraid to get out of their cars. The release of “Bowling for Columbine” couldn’t have been more perfectly timed. In one scene, Moore flashes a montage of reports of the nightly news about everything that we should be concerned about: contaminated food, poisonous snakes, polluted water, killer bees, etc. As if the world was safer and healthier 200 years ago. All the bad news has a cumulative effect. If you believe what you read in the paper or see on TV, the world is a very scary place. Whether the threat is legitimate or imagined, the fear becomes real. And as ad people know, perception is reality. The distorted view becomes the norm. If you’re suddenly afraid to leave your house or pump gas because a random sniper’s on the loose, your abnormal behavior becomes normal.
And advertising preys upon that fear. The solution, we say is to buy more--security systems, fences, child safety seats, bacteria-killing handi wipes—to protect against any threat. This, on top of the daily fears of not appearing sexy enough, smart enough, rich enough, or confident enough in the eyes of friends and neighbors. I think fear is a core tenet of the advertising business. Internally as well as externally. Look at your agency. Are you surrounded by fear? Fear of ideas being rejected, losing clients (who are also fearful), losing jobs, losing money. So the tendency is to fall in line and not make waves. There’s safety in mediocrity. If you speak your mind, or go against the conventional wisdom, you could easily be fired-especially in this economy. Consequently, much of the work panders to the lowest common denominator— fear. If more advertising were life-affirming, and less fear-inducing, would the world around us feel safer? Would the rest of the culture reflect our positive changes? “Bowling for Columbine” doesn’t have the answers, and neither do I. Unfortunately, I don't believe that ad agencies, ad people, the media or consumers are going to stop perpetuating the cycle of fear, because fear sells. That's what scares me the most. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 29
11/26/2002 On Killer Books and Hard-Hitting Executions The bizarre vernacular of the ad industry As a writer, I’m perpetually curious about the power of words. Like any profession, advertising has its own vernacular. However, since we’re in the business of communicating with the general public, I find the language we use internally to be very bizarre. Let me show know you what I mean. “Shop” Ad agencies are commonly referred to as “shops.” This term has an old-world feel, as if ad people were artisans like cobblers or blacksmiths, crafting great ads in our “shop.” But in my experience, clients tend to dictate what they want, and get it exactly how they want it, the way Meg Ryan ordered food in “When Harry Met Sally.” Maybe we should refer to an ad agency not as a “shop,” but as a “diner.” “Killer” Describing any great ad as “killer” always perplexed me. If an ad is a killer, well, does it mean the ad’s “target” would be rendered dead by watching or reading the ad? Are we talking about advertising or quail hunting? Killer diseases are bad. Killer bees are bad. Serial killers like the Son of Sam are bad. Why are killer ads good? “Hard-hitting” I once had a client who continually requested that ads be more “hard-hitting.” This meant inserting more exclamation points, more use of warnings like “DON’T MISS OUT!” and of course, more starbursts and snipes. The result? My ads were hard-hitting, but they weren’t killer. Many clients believe hard-hitting ads work and I think I know why. Ads deemed to be “hard-hitting” leave the audience staggered, but still physically able to buy something. However, an audience killed by “killer” ads is dead and can’t use their credit card. “Executions” In advertising agencies around the world, thousands of unsuspecting, innocent- looking ads are executed every day. An “execution” of an idea means a finished version of the idea. Just like variations of the death penalty, there are many ways to execute an idea, which brings me to a similar term: “Produced” An idea “produced” means that the ad actually appears on-air or in print. Producing an ad means you’ve brought it to life. What confuses me is in some cases, “execute” means “to put to death” while “produce” means “to bring into existence.” In advertising, though, it’s perfectly acceptable to use the two words together, which makes for some bizarre English--more on that later.
“Edgy” Somebody (Dan Wieden I think, but I’m not sure) already addressed this term pretty effectively. He said that when something has an edge, someone is bound to get cut. The moral here is that if you go to present an “edgy” idea to a client, bring some tourniquets. Remember: edgy ideas are not always killer ideas. And if you fall on your sword for an edgy idea, you might be the one who gets killed. Or fired. “Book” This word has a strange dual meaning: It describes both a creative portfolio and, more oddly, a magazine. The first time I heard a Creative Director refer to home improvement magazines as “shelter books” I nearly pissed in my pants from laughing so hard. A term like that sounds ridiculous, but it’s a common usage. If magazines are “books,” what do we call actual hard-bound books? Confused about the way people in your agency talk? Don’t be. Just remember these tips: --Any ad can be executed, but killers are usually executed well. --To “kill” also applies when an ad isn’t going to reach the public. You can have a killer ad killed by a client before you get a chance to execute it. --Killer ads tend to win more industry praise than hard-hitting ads. Especially in your book. --An ad that is produced may not be the best possible execution, and your executions may not be well-produced. --At any moment, your executions may be killed at random by people you’ve never met for reasons that don’t make sense. --If an idea has legs, you may be able to produce many executions for a long time. And putting all those produced killer executions into your book may land you a great gig doing edgy work in a hot shop. Got it? Good. Now let’s all go out and communicate with our audience. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 31
12/18/2002 Screw Unto Others… Religion and Advertising: Two very similar, and sinister, concepts I was setting up my Beanie Baby Jesus nativity scene when it struck me that no one should get too worked up or too surprised about the increasing crass commercialism of the holiday season. In fact, I think Jesus, Moses, Allah and Buddha would all be ad people if they were alive today. What do advertising and religion have to do with one another? Plenty. Advertising and marketing are borrowing basic tenets of religion to increase customer loyalty and sales. Nike created a belief system around its brand. So did Ben and Jerry’s, Harley- Davidson, Saturn-- all established a set of values their brands were based on. On Sunday morning, you can go to church to feel a sense of enlightenment and community. You can also go to Starbucks and feel the same thing. A few years ago, an ad agency declared that “brands are the new religion.” Human beings are tribal beings —joiners at heart. Everyone wants to feel like they’re a part of something bigger than themselves. If Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc, won’t do the trick, maybe driving a Saturn will. Is it a spiritually empty way to embrace a brand instead of a god? Maybe, maybe not. But advertising has legitimized thinking of brands as having value systems one can believe in. Consequently, many consumers have bought into this. What’s dangerous is that positive messages in both advertising and religion always come with negative implications for disbelievers. You can easily intertwine similar ideas about religion and advertising. I'll do it in the same sentence: If you don’t believe in this deity or buy this product or live this type of lifestyle, then you are damned, you will go to hell, you are not a complete person, you are not sexy or successful, you will never get laid. Simply put, "you are not one of us"—that’s the inherent premise of most fundamentally religious people-or brand-conscious people. Too much belief in a certain religion, or brands that represent status, turn rational decent people into intolerant and critical ones. Don’t believe me? Think back to the cliques you saw in high school—if you didn’t look or dress a certain way, boy you’d get a lot of crap.
This isn’t just an abstract concept, it affects our daily relationships and the people we work with. Someone who proudly preaches "I'm a Christian" and someone who says "I only date people who wear Prada" share the same holier-than-thou attitude, and look down upon those who don't. Think back: Did you ever have a client tell you to do an ad based on the message, "our product is the best"? You’re not really given a solid reason why that product is the best--it just is. Myopic clients believe in the basic superiority of their product--no matter what the truth is. That's also what each religion believes about itself. We, as a society, prefer believers. Take the flip side: In mainstream America, people who don’t believe in organized religion and people who encourage others not to buy stuff or conserve resources are treated like outcasts and pariahs. Both religion and advertising risk losing credibility. The perception is out there that they are responsible for badness as well as goodness. While unwavering belief in a religion contributes to the destruction of certain groups of people, mass consumption contributes to the destruction of the earth's resources. I know, it's a heavy topic. It's just what I think about when I get stuck in traffic on the way to the mall. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 33
1/7/2003 This Column is Gold, Baby Your guide to entering awards shows Grab the spray mount! Fire up the interns! It’s awards show entry time again. You’ve got forms to fill out and ads to trim. What’s that you say? You didn’t produce any worthy ads last year? Don’t fret. I’m here to help. There’s always a decent percentage of authentic, truly good work that wins. But here are some tips for the rest of us who don’t work on stuff like that: Get your Creative Director to be a judge in the show. Your agency will be guaranteed to win a few awards just as a quid pro quo. If your CD can’t be a judge, then volunteer to do the inside- ad-joke “call for entries” piece. That always gets at least a merit award. If you went to a portfolio school, chances are you did a whacked out, visual solution, two-page spread for a product that doesn’t need to advertise—like say, the “Connect Four” board game or marshmallows. You can enter ads like that in the real world. Just credit your agency as being located in Singapore, Malaysia, or South Africa. Don’t enter any ads with store locations, phone numbers or contact info to get more information. That’s all extraneous and never gets read. Besides, consumers don’t need that stuff--the logo is all they need to go find the brand and buy the product. No body copy should be longer than two sentence, unless it’s a 400 word treatise on the centuries’ old tradition of hand-crafted Norwegian truffles. Stencil something on the sidewalk outside your agency and take a picture of it. That’s your "Guerrilla Marketing" entry. Don’t submit ads for cigar bars, hot sauce, or sex toy shops. They’re too easy. But organic dog food stores, discount coffin warehouses, and lesbian bed-and-breakfasts are all fair game. In every awards show, there’s always one good carnivore-oriented steakhouse or BBQ restaurant campaign. Give it a whirl. All newspaper ads must be four-color, full-page, and have minimal copy. Just like all newspaper ads are, right? Judges respond to brand names. Wanna do a Nike ad? Wanna do a Miller Lite ad? No problem— instead of putting the brand logo in the corner, just stick in the name and phone number of a local store where they sell those products—that’s your real client.
It doesn’t matter what your ad’s target audience really is—ads that speak to older or less affluent or small-town audiences never win awards. At awards show time, your audience is a group of 38 year-old white guys (and a token woman) wearing lots of black and acting hipper-than-thou. Concept your ads accordingly. (There is a caveat, however: Be leery of anyone in your agency who walks down the hall with a tissue comp saying, “This ad is a gold winner” or anyone who evaluates ad concepts based on “What would show judges think of this?” That’s a sure sign of a loser—in more ways than one.) So there you have it. Good luck, and have a good time. By the way, if you take me up on the discount coffin warehouse idea, be sure to ask ‘em if they sell coffins big enough to fit you and all your awards. Remember, the only true measure of a person in the ad business is how many awards they’ve won, and only gold pencil winners go to heaven. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 35
1/30/2003 Chapter 11 in The Book Of Advertising Is a client's business failure our fault? I read recently where a former client of mine filed for bankruptcy. Among the reasons cited was the failure of its recent "repositioning and advertising" efforts. This client I worked on was a household name, having been in business for 50 years. The client had just come to my agency looking for "fresh thinking," in spite of the fact that this client's business model was truly dated, and in danger of facing extinction. While the work I did for this now-bankrupt client won an award, it was a mere drop in the bucket of this company's marketing efforts. Still, I was surprised about the bankruptcy, and a little sad. Companies go out of business all the time, but this one was a new experience for me. During the dot-com boom of the late 90's, I was working on low-tech old-school clients, so my portfolio is not littered with campaigns for bad business ideas like justgolftees.com. Still, if ad agencies aim to be "marketing partners" and not merely vendors, do we share the blame in our clients' business failures? You can't attribute a cataclysmic clusterfuck like Enron to its advertising, but there are scores of other clients who advertise and are dependent on that advertising to increase sales, awareness, and keep their businesses flush with cash. Increasingly, agency compensation is being tied to a client's sales goals. So exactly what is the agency's responsibility and/or fault if the figures don't come out well? What's beyond our control? Agencies are naturally wary of performance-based compensation, because there's just no exact method of determining an ad campaign's influence on sales. Whether a campaign works or not, the fact remains ad agencies love to take the credit and hate to take the blame. Agencies love to produce case studies based on a client's increased sales and awareness. Agencies rarely talk about the clients that spiraled downward--or out of business altogether. Successful or not, the fortunes of a client always affect the agency. Certainly, agency principals and account directors hear about it when their clients' businesses aren't doing well. But what about the "rank-and-file" employees of agencies?
If working on one particular client represents most of my average workload (essentially meaning one client pays my salary), do I have a responsibility to not only do great ads, but also care about how their business is doing overall, and help influence their marketing strategy? I have the fantasy that if I had still been working at the agency, knowing what I do about advertising and marketing, I could have been a voice of reason that might have steered this now- bankrupt client back on the right path. (I have other fantasies about me and Catherine Zeta-Jones, but that's another story.) When a large client faces bankruptcy, it is often public knowledge--lately I've been reading about major retailers and airlines that are fighting for survival. These companies need more than great ads to fix their problems. I don't think ad agencies should be blind to this. By incorporating business-building ideas into our brand-building ideas, we may well boost the image of the ad business. There has to be a way to build this into an agency's ad making process. If we allow our clients to spiral into bankruptcy, we'll find ourselves losing clients, and becoming creatively bankrupt as well. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 37
2/18/2003 Geezertising Will we adjust advertising standards for an aging population? I read recently about a group of ad industry veterans who started a new agency to do the style of creative work they used to do—15 and 25 years ago. It was hard to read the profiles and quotes of these dudes without hearing Grandpa Simpson’s voice in my head—“And in those days, type was hand kerned…” For a moment, I thought it was a silly idea—but then I realized these guys might be just the ones to fill a niche that’s becoming larger by the minute. Americans are living longer, and we’re at a point where senior citizens (and those about to be) are everywhere, and while they still count their change slowly and carefully at the checkout counter, they’ve got more change to spend then ever before. The reality will hit us all-just because the baby boom generation is getting older, their vanity won’t make them healthier. They’ll need their Metamucil and their adult diapers and their reading glasses and their sensible shoes. Will advertising adjust? How will our industry sell these products to an aging population still obsessed with youth? For most people, tastes in pop culture are formed in, well, their formative years—teens and early twenties. It’s not that they won’t change and experiment with new brands— but there’s less impulsiveness. Brands don’t define older people in quite the same way brands define teenage life. However, the ad industry will still have to find ways to position brands to appeal to an ever-older audience. An even bigger dilemma looms. Stylistically, much of today’s “edgy” advertising may not resonate. These consumers will seek out what’s familiar. MTV style quick editing doesn’t work for generations that weren’t weaned on it. 12-point body copy doesn’t work for aging eyes. Ironic humor? Probably not. It’s possible the disparity between breakthrough creative and marketing effectiveness will get wider and wider. For young creatives (and ad people across all disciplines), bridging the learning gap will take a lot of work-people of Generation X and Generation Y can tell when ads that purport to speak to them don't ring true, and older generations are no different.
It’s no secret that for the most part, long careers in advertising are rare. Will the industry retain more older workers because they understand the needs of this audience or will youth prevail like always? I suppose if there's enough profit in a certain type of ad technique or market segment, the ad industry will chase it full force. That’s the one thing that never changes. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 39
3/11/2003 Leaping to The Dark Side Why aren’t more ad accounts serviced in-house? I once worked on an account where, every week, a new rumor or thinly veiled threat floated around our agency, stating our client wanted to “pull the business” away. We never lost the business, but the fear was always there, affecting everybody. And it’s standard operating procedure in many agencies. Read Adweek or Ad Age, and you’ll constantly see the news: Another day, another agency fired or another account in review. I can’t imagine other professional services face this turnover as much—corporations don’t switch accounting firms or lawyers every 2 years to get a bigger tax refund or lawsuit judgment. With a lack of trust in agency/client relationships, profitability margins of agencies getting ever thinner, and clients reviewing their accounts more and more frequently, problems seem to stay pervasive. It may just be that the traditional agency model doesn’t satisfy the needs of many advertisers. So why don’t more companies set up in-house ad departments? Many companies do have in-house ad departments—particularly retailers. But often times, these departments are for mostly fast-turnaround, unglamorous work. Maybe these companies should consider a department not just for the newspaper inserts or signage—but for the whole shebang. It strikes me as strange when I read about a client that has an in-house ad department, yet calls a review to parcel out the high-profile glory “branding” assignments. It sounds as if the company has no confidence in their own people, and I suppose if I were working in that kind of department I’d be pissed. Setting up an advertising department that is capable of doing high-level creative work would take some effort. There seems to be a stigma for many ad people about the idea of working in-house at a corporation, the implication being they’re not good enough to work at an agency. I believe it can work, though. Would working in a corporate environment inhibit creativity? No more so than working in a bureaucratic ad agency run by fear. Could an in-house agency attract the highest level of talent? If there were sufficient enough high profile assignments, talent would flock there.
Given a little flexibility to be creative, and removing the strains common to so many agency/ client conflicts, the results could be wonderful. Going in-house would eliminate the notion that agencies only look out for their own interests, not the client’s. As long as companies don’t perceive ad agencies as being valuable, they’ll continue to look for alternatives to improve their marketing—be it product placement, branded content, PR or consulting companies. The solution may be right in a client’s own office. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 41
4/1/2003 Getting Embedded With the Client What advertising can learn from a televised war I always take public opinion polls with a grain of salt. But it startled me when, in the first week of the current war, the percentage of people who agreed with the statement “the war is going well” fluctuated DAILY. According to the Pew Research Center, here are the percentages of Americans who agreed that “the war is going very well” during the first week of fighting: Friday 3/21 71% Saturday 3/22 69% Sunday 3/23 52% Monday 3/24 38% Two days of a less-than-rosy outlook sent public opinion spiraling down. The constant stream of war news (and the endless spin of cable news taking heads) and our short attention span led to false expectations of instant victory. I shudder to think how 24/7 news coverage would have affected World War II, when bad news lingered for months at a time. I believe the ad industry can learn a lot from the war coverage and its effects on the public. As advertisers, we are the ones who can shape public opinion for our clients. We have to be the ones to ensure that a brand, at every turn, puts on its best face every day. That means being proactive, especially in the face of forces beyond our control. Public perception is fickle, and advertisers have to prepare for that reality. Every piece of information about a brand contributes to the cumulative effect of perception. A sale can be jeopardized by bad customer service or rude salespeople. A person talking about a bad experience at a store will influence his/her acquaintances. A bad, misguided, insulting ad can turn consumers off for good. What ad agencies also need to accept is that we are ultimately responsible for the consequences of our campaigns once we’ve executed them, and we must define for our clients what constitutes a “successful” campaign.
For every client and every campaign, success is perceived differently. Does your agency effectively manage your clients’ expectations or does your agency promise them the moon and stars? Do your clients get nervous if one ad or one month’s ads don’t work as well as hoped? Are your clients ready to bail on you at the first sight of trouble? Reaching for the panic button is quite common when an ad campaign does not roll out as well as hoped. But look at the war situation--our military didn’t give up after one week, nor were they ever planning on giving up despite the polls I quoted. Adjustments were made because of the enemy’s shifting tactics, not the shifting mood of public back home. If our military leaders take intelligence data and then ultimately make decisions by trusting their instincts, shouldn’t advertising agencies be allowed to do the same thing? I actually heard a retired general on TV this weekend say that war is an art (I guess Sun Tzu was right.) Well, if war can be considered an art, advertising certainly is. No test, simulation, or focus group can adequately predict the effectiveness of a campaign. We should not pretend otherwise. By the time you read this, the war might be close to ending. Or the war could be a long way from over. No doubt, public opinion will continue to shift wildly. However, our leaders are confident that the mission will be a success and right now, that’s what counts. As advertisers, we can learn from our military’s example. As brand stewards, we’re in it for the long haul, and must think long-term. We have to believe we’re doing the right thing for our clients. We need to start with good raw data. We need to formulate a good plan. Most of all, we need to trust our instincts and stick with them. Otherwise, (bad cliché alert) we may win the battle, but we’ll lose the war. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 43
4/24/2003 In The Belly Of The Beast What I learned by spending a few days at Talent Zoo Three weeks ago, I decided to hand-deliver my column to the receiving desk on the 34th Floor of the Talent Zoo Tower. With a rare few days off, and being a little too old for spring break in South Padre Island, I asked if I could hang around a while. As an ad agency employee and sometime job seeker, I wanted to view life from the other side. After signing a confidentiality agreement, as well as enduring a 20 minute interrogation under a bare light bulb (outsiders are treated with suspicion), I was given permission to observe the inner workings of the Talent Zoo empire. I learned a lot. I'd like to share my observations with you. There are a buttload of job seekers and not nearly enough jobs for all of them. Given the state of the economy, that really shouldn't come as a shock. But when you're actually confronted with a constant influx of emails, resumes and books, you see how overwhelming it can get, and how tough the competition for every position truly is. The only resumes and books that really stand out are the great ones and the really shitty ones. Being a naturally curious creative guy, I looked through a bunch of books. Most people fall somewhere in the middle between genius and hack. After flipping through 5 books in a row everything looks the same (and for all the non-creatives, all resumes look the same.) Any ads done before 1995 look very dated now. Nearly everyone has a spec campaign or two thrown in, and some are quite obviously spec. Sticking a book in a metal case won't make a difference if the ads suck. Dealing with PDF's, CD-ROMS and online portfolios is a royal pain in the ass. And by the way, there's no 3/4" machine at Talent Zoo, so I'm sure I missed a lot of good (and bad) TV spots. Everyone thinks they're God's gift to advertising. Every job seeker claims to be hard- working, passionate, and dedicated. Every creative is conceptual, thinks outside the box and is never content with mediocrity. Job seekers love to pile on the positive attributes. Believing in yourself and your abilities is truly important, but listing those qualities on a resume doesn't make a lasting impression.
Everyone thinks they're perfect for every open job. People who are not qualified for a particular position apply anyway, thinking that a shot in the dark is better than no shot at all. These candidates are easy to spot because their name is constantly recycled, and they're just wasting everybody's time. I noticed one guy had applied for copywriter, art director, creative director, and a traffic position--and was not qualfied for any of them. Agencies take their sweet time making hiring decisions, and no amount of prodding from Talent Zoo speeds the process along. Calling every two hours won't help you get anywhere. Everyone sends emails with grammatical mistakes. Even the copywriters. But some copywriters send books with grammatical mistakes and ads with greeked body copy, and nothing makes this copywriter cringe more than sophomoric mistakes like those. Nice people don't always finish first, but they stay at the top of the list. Judging by the correspondence I sampled, most candidates are pleasant and polite, even if they don't get a job via Talent Zoo. However, some candidates are rude and full of attitude, and everyone at Talent Zoo knows who those candidates are. So play nicely, kids. Not a bad education for a few days of lingering. The staff at Talent Zoo are truly good people who would love to help everyone find a great job, but the law of supply and demand says they can't. So keep that in mind. And don't send them any bribes--it still won't help you land a job any faster. Although a little chocolate never hurts. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 45
5/13/2003 Jumping The Shark Why are some shops hot, cold, or dead? Wells Rich Greene. N.W. Ayer. D’Arcy. And now maybe Bates. All these agencies, at some point in the last 10 years, went from being billion dollar companies to out of business. How does this free-fall happen? Why are some ad agencies able to stay in business for a long time, while others have the half-life of Uranium? I’m certain the people who ran the agencies I just named did not sit down one day and say, “We’re gonna do shitty work, treat our employees like crap and run this place into the ground.” So what happened?? Can we pinpoint any specific times when ad agencies “Jump The Shark?” (If you don’t know what I’m referring to, go to www.jumptheshark.com and then continue reading this column) This phenomenon doesn’t only occur to big behemoth agencies. In my days as an ad school student, I distinctly remember there were some shops, mostly boutiques, everyone talked about. If you were one of the lucky few to land a gig there, you would be handed the keys to the kingdom. These days, some of those shops are long gone, and some are still around and doing good work. But they’re not hot anymore. They’ve been replaced a by a new crop of “It” shops, who possess whatever the “It” factor might be that gets students to drool over them. Did the once-hot shops stop entering awards shows? Did they give up on press releases so you never read about them anymore? Did they take on accounts that lowered their creative standards? Did management changes affect the momentum of the agency? It is true that a shuffle in management personnel can result in a new philosophy, better (or worse) work, and affect the company profile or morale. After all, the fish rots from the head down.
I’m sure you have, as I have, encountered agencies that want to become “the next hot shop.” They want to become gold pencil winners. They want to take the work to the next level. They want to pursue more high-profile, national accounts. All of which is very easy to say, and incredibly hard to do. Invariably, those things rarely happen when a shop’s cultural DNA prevents it. You can’t polish a turd. But there’s always hope, or another open ad assignment, or another great account up for review. That’s why no two days in this business are ever alike. I firmly believe any ad agency, given the right conditions, can improve itself, make more money, grow, do great work, win awards, and be the kind of agency people would kill to work at. Your agency can be one of those agencies. Just make sure your agency never hires Ted McGinley to be the new Creative Director. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 47
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View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns
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View From The Cheap Seats: Advertising’s Most Provocative Columns

  • 1.
  • 2. 2002 My Client, The Bait-and-Switch Sleazebags .................................................................................................8 Why Few People Respect Advertising in the Morning ...............................................................................10 Are You Targeting Me? Are You Targeting ME? .........................................................................................12 I Got Your Account Planning Right Here, Pal .............................................................................................14 I’m Not Lying To You Right Now ................................................................................................................16 This Agency's For You .................................................................................................................................18 The Creative Teamsters ................................................................................................................................20 Hey, Luke, Squeeze This .............................................................................................................................22 The Enemies Down The Hall ......................................................................................................................24 “60 Minutes” and a Brilliant Marketing Minute ..........................................................................................26 Advertising For Columbine .........................................................................................................................28 ............................................................................................30 On Killer Books and Hard-Hitting Executions Screw Unto Others… ...................................................................................................................................32 This Column is Gold, Baby .........................................................................................................................34 Chapter 11 in The Book Of Advertising ......................................................................................................36 2003 Geezertising .................................................................................................................................................38 Leaping to The Dark Side ............................................................................................................................40 Getting Embedded With the Client ..............................................................................................................42 In The Belly Of The Beast ...........................................................................................................................44 Jumping The Shark ......................................................................................................................................46 Can’t We Just Be Friends? ...........................................................................................................................48 Majority to Minority ....................................................................................................................................50 Telemuckraking ...........................................................................................................................................52 Paging Richard Simmons .............................................................................................................................54 Queer Eye for the Ad Guy ...........................................................................................................................56 Just Sue It .....................................................................................................................................................58 Consult This .................................................................................................................................................60 Random Questions .......................................................................................................................................62 I'm the Best Columnist Ever ........................................................................................................................64 This is Your Holding Company on Drugs ....................................................................................................66 Slippery Jelly at the Helm of a Dubious Idea ..............................................................................................68 The Soul of Soles .........................................................................................................................................70 A Super Lesson ............................................................................................................................................72 Trump and Chumps ......................................................................................................................................74
  • 3. Brands Flying Blind .....................................................................................................................................76 2004 From a No Show to the One Show ..............................................................................................................78 FBI, CIA, AAAA, and CYA ........................................................................................................................80 Subservient Agency .....................................................................................................................................82 The Bastards Among Us ..............................................................................................................................84 Word-of-a-Whole-Lot-of-Mouths-Advertising ...........................................................................................86 I Cannes Tell You Exactly What Happened .................................................................................................88 Clear Problem, Clear Solution .....................................................................................................................90 Advertising Week (or maybe it’s Advertising Weak) ..................................................................................92 Corvettroversy .............................................................................................................................................94 In the Land of the Fee ..................................................................................................................................96 Black, White, and Spot Color ......................................................................................................................98 Living Under the Bus .................................................................................................................................100 Addicted to Advertising .............................................................................................................................102 New Words for the New Year ....................................................................................................................104 It’s All About the Benjamins--or the Bernbachs ........................................................................................106 Wardrobe Malfunctions and Advertising Dysfunctions .............................................................................108 H-P and the Bigger Picture ........................................................................................................................110 Boeing and Banging ..................................................................................................................................112 Desperate Housewives and Desperate Senators .........................................................................................114 2005 Maximizing Our Skill Sets to Enable Synergistic Crap ............................................................................116 Installing an Upgrade to Ad Industry 2.0 ..................................................................................................118 Madison Avenue, Main Street, and the Arab Street ...................................................................................120 If You’ve Been Injured by an Ad Agency... ...............................................................................................122 The Home for the Strategically Challenged ..............................................................................................124 Taking Size 14 and 36DD Risks ................................................................................................................126 When A.D.D. Adds Up to Crapola .............................................................................................................128 Stuck on Stupid ..........................................................................................................................................130 Directly Speaking, Can We Control Ourselves? ........................................................................................132 The French Evolution ................................................................................................................................134 Polluting the Mental Environment .............................................................................................................136 The Bald Midget and the Furniture Store Owner's Daughter ....................................................................138
  • 4. I Want My CA, and I Want My MTV ........................................................................................................140 The Super Critics ........................................................................................................................................142 Scrubbing Bubbles and Flubbing CEO's ....................................................................................................144 Living In the Echo Chamber ......................................................................................................................146 Oh, the Humanity ......................................................................................................................................148 **This Column is Not Valid in Indiana .....................................................................................................150 7-Layer Ads ................................................................................................................................................152 2006 Safe, Shit, and Everything Else That Happens ..........................................................................................154 This Column Brought to You by People For Stuff .....................................................................................156 This Land was Hand-Crafted for You and Me ...........................................................................................158 The Interactive Ghetto ...............................................................................................................................160 HeadOn--and Production Values Off .........................................................................................................162 Hardback Books and Hard Truths ..............................................................................................................164 The Consumer is Not a Moron. Or am I? ..................................................................................................166 The Tale of Retail .......................................................................................................................................168 Be Borat or Be Boring ...............................................................................................................................170 Righting the Writing ..................................................................................................................................172 Rescuing Lost Brands ................................................................................................................................174 Of So-Called Rock Stars and Stage-Hogging Poseurs ..............................................................................176 Dinosaurs, Cockroaches, And Guerrillas ...................................................................................................178 The Law of the Advertising Landscape .....................................................................................................180 The Agency Internal Combustion Engine ..................................................................................................182 The Sanjaya Principle ................................................................................................................................184 Surrounding Yourself With Breakthrough Nonsense .................................................................................186 Harry Potter and the Obtuse Client ............................................................................................................188 2007 A Diverse Set of Problems .........................................................................................................................190 Turning Chinese .........................................................................................................................................192 Shuffling the Deckhands ............................................................................................................................194 Getting Back to Your Agency’s Roots ........................................................................................................196 When Bad Ideas Happen To Good Agencies .............................................................................................198 A Carbon-Neutral Pile of Manure ..............................................................................................................200 The Importance of Filtering Actionable Jargon Into Buckets ....................................................................202
  • 5. Striking it Rich, or At Least Striking It Profitable .....................................................................................204 Outsourced Outside The Box .....................................................................................................................206 Year-End Closeout Thoughts .....................................................................................................................208 Primary Lessons, And Secondary Ones Too ..............................................................................................210 Chasing a Moving Target ...........................................................................................................................212 Obamarketing .............................................................................................................................................214 Some Free Thinking ..................................................................................................................................216 Where Adweek Meets Businessweek ........................................................................................................218 When Weird Works ....................................................................................................................................220 Digitally Divided We Stand .......................................................................................................................222 Back to the Future of the Past ....................................................................................................................224 Interactive Agencies and Passive Mentalities ............................................................................................226 2008 The Defense of the Offensive ....................................................................................................................228 The Loyal Treatment ..................................................................................................................................230 Cutting Off a Campaign’s Legs .................................................................................................................232 Read This or Else .......................................................................................................................................234 From Wasilla to Madison Avenue ..............................................................................................................236 The War On Talent .....................................................................................................................................238 A Cheap High and New Lows ....................................................................................................................240 The Fantasy of Reality-Based Advertising ................................................................................................242 The Advertising Industry Stimulus Package ..............................................................................................244 ROI: Advertising’s Dirty Four-Letter Word ..............................................................................................246 Why Asking May Be the Answer ..............................................................................................................248 Couples Counseling for the Agency-Client Relationship ..........................................................................250 Read Globally, Be Pissed Locally .............................................................................................................252 Nothing is Dead, So Let’s Bury that Idea ..................................................................................................254 The Path To Empathy .................................................................................................................................256 But Wait, There Really is More .................................................................................................................258 Are You Smarter Than An Ad Student? .....................................................................................................260 2009 Wherever You Go, There You Advertise ....................................................................................................262 Brands and Stands ......................................................................................................................................264 Life is Not a Two-Page Visual Solution Spread ........................................................................................266
  • 6. Capitalism: An Advertising Story ..............................................................................................................268 From Cliff to the Abyss ..............................................................................................................................270 Giving the Usual Routine the Boot ............................................................................................................272 In Ad We Trust ...........................................................................................................................................274 Tiger, A Little Tail, and the Marketing Beast .............................................................................................276 Houston, We Might Could Have a Problem ..............................................................................................278 Thirsting for Originality .............................................................................................................................280 The Bigness of Small, Powerful Targets ....................................................................................................282 Your Attention, Please -- If You Can Spare Any ........................................................................................284 Brand Building, Now 30 Percent Off ........................................................................................................286 Spilling the Brand Promise ........................................................................................................................288 Tracking the Rise of Tracking ....................................................................................................................290 The Irregularity of Regulating the Ad Biz .................................................................................................292 News You Might Not Want to Use .............................................................................................................294 More Advertising Needs to Smell Like Fun ..............................................................................................296 2010 Can One Agency Really Do It All for a Client? .........................................................................................298 Happiness in Advertising? Now That’s an Idea Worth Counting ..............................................................300 It’s Still the Economy, Stupid -- So We Need to be Smarter .....................................................................302 Looking for Transparency in Marketing? Sorry, There’s Nothing There ..................................................304 Want Less Government? Then You Might Get Less Advertising ..............................................................306 Surely, Ads Can Still Influence Popular Culture ........................................................................................308 Do You Have an “Off” Switch ...................................................................................................................310 The Rope and the Tug of Advertising. Which Do You Prefer? ..................................................................312 The Strange Reality of Working Virtually .................................................................................................314
  • 7. Branding. Religion. Censorship. Office politics. Global politics. Sexual politics. Good ads. Bad ads. Ageism. Sexism. Racism. Art. Science. ROI. CRM. BS. CYA. Think of a topic related to advertising. Chances are you’ll find it in here. I started writing this column on TalentZoo.com in 2002. And since then, I’ve always been the first to tackle controversial, newsworthy and provocative issues that advertising professionals confront on a daily basis but rarely discuss. Why? Because I believe that advertising, and the ad industry in general, suffers because of the cumulative effect of thousands of dimwitted decisions made every day. I’ve witnessed quite a lot of good advertising business practices. But I’ve also witnessed quite a lot of dysfunction. And it’s healthy to talk about both of those. Advertising is a business based on communication, yet so often ad agencies do a poor job with their own internal communication. Advertising agencies believe they are the “stewards” of their clients’ brands, yet advertising agencies do a lousy job managing their own brands. These are just a couple of the numerous ironies and idiosyncrasies of the ad industry. Most editorials written by advertising’s so-called “creative superstars” generally lapse into "let's fight and push our clients to break the mold" pseudo-inspirational bullshit. If it was that easy to create and sell great work, the One Show annual would be 5000 pages long. So I decided there was a need to question everything about the way the ad industry conducts business. In my columns, I ask tough questions. I don't claim to have all the answers, and I don’t think anyone else does, either. But I’m happy to be the one who starts the conversation. I possess the ability to see and understand how even the smallest details comprise the big picture. That’s why I call my column “View From the Cheap Seats.” I’ve heard from hundreds of people who appreciate what I write. I hope you enjoy reading these columns. And because I believe in the power of constructive communication and feedback, please let me know what you think. Send your comments to dgoldg@mindspring.com. © 2002-2011 by Dan Goldgeier. All rights reserved. Articles contained herein originally appeared on TalentZoo.com and have been reproduced with permission from Talent Zoo Inc. Please feel free to make photocopies of the contents of this publication and tack up favorite columns on your cubicle wall. Just don’t sell this book to some dude in SoHo who’s peddling movie scripts and bootleg DVD’s from a card table. Wow, you’ve read this far? Amazing. Who says nobody reads body copy anymore?
  • 8. 3/21/2002 My Client, The Bait-and-Switch Sleazebags Why would honest agency people work for dishonest clients? All advertising people eventually own up to a certain amount of self-loathing about the ad business. Hucksters, whores, sellouts--we question whether the world really needs this advertising shit. For the most part though, ad people perform a service that helps clients and greases the wheels of capitalism and hey, capitalism is a good thing. But what happens when we work on something that makes us truly loathe the ad business? I started thinking about that question once when I worked on a particular project. Not to get into specifics, but my clients were truly bait-and-switch con artists. They (with my copywriting help) wanted to advertise a service for a certain price. Then they admitted to me that 90% of the time, customers pay 4 times as much for the work if it’s done properly. In other words, I had to promote a $100 deal that that usually ended up costing $400. All this to a blue-collar target audience who needed to keep their hard-earned money. The whole assignment made me want to puke. Okay, fine, these people had a history of working with my agency, no big deal, I just did the work and kept my mouth shut. Then, poking around the Internet one day, I did a search on this company and discovered they had been profiled on a weekly newsmagazine show and investigated by the Better Business Bureau in several states for deceptive practices. To make matters worse, my clients really were not nice people. The account represented only a tiny sliver of our agency's billings but consumed huge amounts of time because they were so high-maintenance and demanding. The account was unprofitable, and the creative was awful, too. I wish I had the power to tell this client to take a flying leap, but I didn't. I was just a lowly CW and there’d be hell to pay if I actually spoke the truth. I couldn't understand why my boss ever gave this client the time of day. Why he never told them that running deceptive ads was a horrible idea that, while it might drive short-term traffic, would kill them in the long run. Why he never pointed out that brand loyalty erodes when they continually screw their customers. No, he just went along with all of it--even though our agency would do just fine without them. Did this mean our agency was as scummy as our clients? Clients like these are all over the place. Agencies, too. As I found out, even legitimate, honest ad agencies run by honest people are all too happy to service the business. But as professionals, we need to draw a distinction between puffed-up language and dishonest claims. Too often, we know when our clients want to cross the line yet we’re reluctant to call them on it or suggest a higher road. Is this why so much advertising stinks? Is this why consumers have such a low regard for advertising and the people who make it?
  • 9. All the truly good work our industry does gets neutralized in the face of crap like bait-and-switch advertising. Regrettably, faced with my own bait-and-switch client, I didn’t do shit. Maybe I won’t do shit next time either, or maybe I’ll take a stand. Maybe now is a good time to begin taking a stand against clients that promote their products and services with deceptive marketing. Who’s with me? ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 9
  • 10. 5/2/2002 Why Few People Respect Advertising in the Morning (Or any other time of day) As an industry that assaults the public with unwelcome messages, advertising has a responsibility to do more than just make, or take, money. So, when I see a high-profile campaign that sucks, it really pisses me off because everyone sees the greed and shallowness of the ad industry. The consequences are harmful when a high profile campaign misses the mark so widely. I’ll pick one example. You’ve all seen the latest anti-drug ads or at least you’ve heard about them. Teenagers saying overly dramatic soundbites like, “I helped kidnap a Columbian judge” or “I helped slaughter a Venezuelan family.” You’re supposed to believe these teens are somewhat responsible for the treacherous state of today’s world just because they smoked pot or popped Ecstasy. Give me a fuckin’ break. I’m not going to spew a long-winded political diatribe on the subject. This column isn’t “Hardball.” No matter what I think about the war on drugs or the war on terrorism, the fact remains this ad campaign is an untruthful, irrelevant, giant steaming pile of crap. However, I’m willing to be a good, compliant American. If the Government’s new ad strategy involves using the threat of terrorism to fix our nation’s ills, I’m on board. In fact, I’ve even concepted the second round of the campaign. Here’s my thinking and the execution: -What has funded our recent terrorism more than drug money? America’s dependence on oil. -Who in America uses the most oil? Folks who drive SUV’s and minivans. -Who drives SUV’s and minivans? Soccer moms. So I say the next batch of ads feature soccer moms behind the wheel of their Expeditions and Land Rovers, saying their gas-guzzling vehicles encourage terrorism and worldwide carnage. Now, why won’t you see those ads? Simple. Soccer moms vote. Teenagers don’t.
  • 11. The current ads point fingers at teenagers, a group of people who don’t have a registered voice to talk back, and it’s a cop-out to lay the terrorist problem at their feet. Yes, the anti-drug campaign is controversial. It’s being talked about. Fine. Stopping terrorism and drug use by linking the two won’t put a dent in either. Good advertising has at least a nugget of truth, believability, or entertainment. The anti-drug spots fail on all three accounts. I picked this campaign because it isn’t a Macaroni & Cheese or feminine hygiene account. We expect those categories to be filled with bad work. I don’t intend to piss on this one campaign and the campaign’s creators. Simply put, I want to illustrate that bad thinking on a high-profile account in a public service- type category like this is truly harmful to the advertising industry. Admittedly, I feel slightly sorry for the ad folks who worked on the campaign. I know it sucks to work from a ridiculous creative brief, having done it many times myself. Plus, the client is the Government. Uncle Sam is well-stocked with guns and search warrants. What are you gonna do, look your powerful client in the eye and tell them they’re wrong? Would your agency (or any agency, for that matter) turn down lucrative government cash on principle alone? I will venture a guess that most ad professionals see right through public service campaigns that do nothing to truly serve the public. Ad people have a knack for detecting bullshit even while we are slinging it. If we as ad professionals don’t believe it, why do we think millions of people will believe it? Recently, the outgoing Chairman of the Board of Directors of the 4A’s said that the general public doesn't respect the ad industry "as much as they should." Well, duh. I think the anti-drug campaign is a high-profile example of why. Advertising can be a powerful tool to advance businesses, organizations and certainly causes. Advancing those entities successfully means strategic thinking and execution that comes from an honest place. It’s not too late to maintain some credibility of the craft of advertising. First, however, we need to stop whoring ourselves to anyone who waves a buck in our face, and then ask to be respected. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 11
  • 12. 5.21.2002 Are You Targeting Me? Are You Targeting ME? As long as they don’t know too much about me, I'm all for 1-to-1 marketing Someone in the ad business recently told me, "In a few years, all marketing will be direct marketing." I think that's a likely proposition, and a very scary one. Selling a client on things like CRM and one-on-one marketing is easy. Clients salivate when you mention services that “add value,” and those services tend not to involve breakthrough creative ideas. Clients are attracted to any rational way to justify their companies’ marketing expenses to their boss. They hunt for quantifiable results wherever they can find them, and they're quick to value data over mass marketing. Most of us are familiar with direct marketing in the classic sense. Publishers’ Clearing House. Ron Popeil’s Spray-on Hair. Telemarketing calls at dinner. However, the notion of creating a one-to-one relationship with every customer is slowly creeping into every segment of marketing, and taking shape in new ugly ways. So far, I've been resisting grocery stores' so-called "loyalty cards." It's really not loyalty--more of a Pavlovian method of jacking up prices and lowering them again the next week. The hope is consumers will be attracted to weekly sale prices they can only attain by using their handy loyalty card. This perceived “savings” supposedly increases store loyalty. But true brand loyalty lies in the trust a consumer places in a brand. I don’t trust these cards, so these stores sure as hell don't have loyalty from me. If I applied for a “loyalty card,” I’d need to supply my name, address, phone number and other personal info. The card would have a unique ID strip to identify me when I buy something. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I thought of a scenario that doesn't seem too far-fetched to me. If I go in and buy Twinkies, cigarettes, and beer every week, they know. What if my HMO found out about my slovenly purchases? Would I get a "lazy bastard" surcharge on my monthly premiums? Could an insurance company deny me health care coverage altogether until I start buying rice cakes and bottled water? Yuck! Even drugstore chains are introducing loyalty cards. Can personal hygiene habits be tracked? That's even scarier. Maybe technology lacks the sophistication to link people directly to the merchandise they bought. How do I know that? I don't. There’s no telling what information is being collected and how it’s being used.
  • 13. What would happen if a grocery store chain went out of business and sold its customer database to someone else? Sounds to me like that’s a more valuable asset than the shelving and freezers. Every week a news story appears about our increasingly tracked lives. A certain mega gigantic software company can track documents written on its software. TV recording devices make note of what you watch. Websites record where you’ve surfed. Even courts can subpoena bookstore purchases to find out what you read. Every day, databases around the world collect more and more information about us without our direct consent. Although much of our industry embraces these marketing techniques, I’m confident it will come back to haunt us. The public may not revolt against marketers in protest, but as consumers ourselves, each one of us will face a day when we realize someone out there knows too much about our habits. The ad industry always struggles with the battle of art vs. commerce. We know that the ad business will always be an inexact science, and there’s no precise method of predicting consumer behavior. The pursuit of data enhances our capabilities, and yes, it often adds value to our services. But at what price? Have we entered an era where the only way the ad industry can increase its value to our clients is to resort to Big Brother tactics? As an industry, we have responsibilities to the public as well as our clients. Just because technology allows us to track this stuff, does that mean we should? We’ll never again see an area where a simple TV or print campaign is all a brand needs. Would our industry ever decide that certain one-to-one marketing techniques and research methods should be off-limits? I wonder if it’s too late to have that discussion. If it isn’t too late, well, I’m here, and I like Cheez Doodles. Or did you already know that? ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 13
  • 14. 6/13/2002 I Got Your Account Planning Right Here, Pal Do we really wanna know what consumers think? Admit it: whenever you tell someone you work in advertising, they turn into an instant critic. At a family gathering last year, my uncle came up to me and started complaining about commercials. In this case, he was bitching about a couple of Wieden and Kennedy’s Miller High Life spots. We didn’t have a long conversation. Me: “Do you drink beer?” My Uncle (who’s about 60): “No.” Me: “Then what do you care?” Sure, I could have talked his ear off about target audiences, the advantage of entertaining ads, the lack of USPs in beer advertising, but I would have been wasting my time. My uncle wouldn’t care, he only knows he doesn’t like/get/understand the ad, and “how can a commercial like that possibly sell beer?” Wait a minute. Didn’t the Miller High Life campaign win awards? That means it MUST be brilliant, right? How come my uncle doesn’t recognize that brilliance? If I have to try and defend award-winning spots to people, I will definitely have trouble defending the real crappy ones. What bothers me is I know my uncle is not an anomaly. A lot of “breakthrough creative” goes over consumers’ heads. Not because they’re the wrong target for the ad, or because they’re stupid. Consumers just don’t analyze advertising the same way ad professionals incessantly do. Ad people sweat the details most folks don’t notice. But often times, it falls on deaf ears: I had someone tell me once, “I’ve never seen an ad that made me buy anything.” And then she drove off, to Pottery Barn, in her Lexus, stopping at Starbucks along the way. You know people like this, right? We ad pros have convinced ourselves that the kind of advertising consumers say they respond to in a survey or focus group does not always correlate to a purchase. It’s an ever-so-subtle way of thinking we know what’s best for consumers. In order to bridge the gap between what people say and what people do, we’ve invented all sorts of methods to get “inside consumers’ heads.” My question is: Do we really want to know what’s in there?
  • 15. For all the talk about understanding our audience and identifying with their lifestyles, why don’t we get some of them to judge award shows? Boy you’ll get a wake up call then. Let them get in a room with all the work spread out on long tables. Pump them with coffee and let their eyes glaze over. Let’s see what they come up with. Who would take home Best of Show at a People’s Choice advertising award show—the AFLAC duck? The 1800-COLLECT commercial with Carrot Top? The Dell ads with that punk kid? (Actually it might be those truly funny Bud Light “Real Men of Genius” radio spots—I’ve heard many non-ad people rave about them. Is there anyone on the planet that dislikes those?) We’re living in a time where clients are trying to maximize the effectiveness of their advertising dollars, and clients don’t correlate effectiveness with what ad people deem to be creativity. Advertising, therefore, has become more pervasive and more ubiquitous. We’ve turned up the volume to 11, but it’s the same old song. Is that what consumers, like my uncle, want? I would’ve asked him, but by then I’d had a few too many Miller High Lifes. Hey, I’m trying my best to consume the products of One Show winners. It’s the least I can do. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 15
  • 16. 7/8/2002 I’m Not Lying To You Right Now Did corporate America learn the art of lying from advertising? The last few weeks have been rough. See, I’m a WorldCom shareholder. Or, uh, I was. And I’m pissed. Some people need to go to jail. Hell, I want to make a citizens’ arrest. WorldCom is only the latest in a long line of corporate clusterfucks. Seems that many executives think it’s perfectly fine to lie straight-faced to the media, stockholders, customers, and most importantly, their employees. What MBA program teaches that lying is an acceptable practice? If profit and greed were the motives for all this illegal activity, then the executives who made these decisions were simply in pursuit of serious wealth. More wealth than anyone really needs, which I wouldn’t ordinarily have a problem with. Except in this case, screwing over other people in pursuit of this wealth wasn’t an obstacle. Which led me to think: Did the advertising industry legitimize lying for the rest of the country? Any student of advertising knows that back in the early days, stinky breath, B. O., and lifeless hair were all touted as sure tickets to living a life without friends and no chance of ever getting laid. (Those facts haven’t changed, but it really is a little subtler now). Over the years, however, the ad industry upped the ante. Advertising promotes the good life. Nicer homes, nicer cars, nicer stereos, nicer wrinkle-free faces, etc. It didn't matter if a person couldn't afford the lifestyle, that's what credit cards and second mortgages were for. But corporate executives had other methods of acquiring wealth: cooking the books, ludicrous stock option packages and golden parachutes. It’s possible the corporate thievery and greed we're reading about these days have been perpetrated by people who were hell-bent on living the lifestyle that advertising told them was possible. I really hope advertising isn’t the root cause of the current malaise. I like to believe that advertising serves a good and valuable service in a capitalistic society. We send the messages, but we don’t coerce people to take action. If a person has a fundamental sense of right and wrong, and some self-control, no amount of advertising can make someone dishonest in the pursuit of wealth or nicer goods. Reading the headlines, however, makes me wonder if anyone has self-control these days. Our actions have come back to haunt us. The ad industry is in a deep recession because we’re now on the ass end of a boom our marketing imagery helped create.
  • 17. As a society, do we need to pull back on the relentless pursuit of more and better stuff? Can advertising agencies and clients survive a change like that? Or are we resigned to a culture of relentless consumption and greed? The problem is that the more drastic the economic situation is and the tighter competition gets, the more marketers will do to skirt the rules to sell as much as possible. As a result, the fine print gets longer and the little white lies get bigger. To promote the corporate image, companies will pass themselves off as healthier, more viable businesses than they really are. We can find a middle ground. I believe the advertising industry can promote its clients’ products in an engaging, informative way without causing consumers to overextend themselves. I believe corporations can market themselves and pursue their profit motives without doing it at the expense of the rest of the population. Of course, I also believed WorldCom stock was a good investment. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 17
  • 18. 7/23/2002 This Agency's For You The industry’s sucking wind--maybe advertising agencies should try advertising Agencies are cutting costs. Cutting people. Freezing salaries. Hocking the foosball tables. Getting rid of the free bagels. All of which are symptoms of a bigger problem. Every week, a new article appears about how advertising is dying or becoming irrelevant. In general, the industry can’t seem to stop the slide. Most agencies do good work for clients, but that message isn’t getting out. So why aren’t ad agencies promoting themselves by advertising? Besides the cutesy masturbatory ads you see in Creativity magazine or a local awards show annual, you never really see ads for ad agencies, do you? I actually saw an agency in Texas advertise itself. The shop took out full-page ads in a slick regional magazine. One had a photo of a bull in it with the line “Great ads without the bull.” I think another one had a donkey with the line “kick ass advertising.” I know, I know, but they get an A for effort in my book. At least someone’s out there doin’ it. This agency kept up the self- promotion for a long time, too—every month was a new ad. Then I read recently that they had to lay a few people off. You’ll never see advertising agencies advertise themselves often. Is there a secret fear that advertising doesn’t work, so agencies don’t ingest their own medicine? Can agencies simply not afford the media? I would say “no” to both those questions. Here’s the real reason why you won’t see ads for agencies: creating those ads would be the most politically charged, fucked-up assignment anyone ever worked on. Donating a kidney would be a more pleasurable experience. Most agencies sound alike in their self-promotion materials. Want proof? Look at the mission statements you see on agency web sites: “We’re passionate about the power of creative ideas to get business-building results for our marketing partners.” Or some shit like that. I’ve found that most people in agency management don’t have a vision for their business. (And no, making a shitload of money and screwing employees in the process doesn’t count as a “vision.”) And the fish rots from the head down. Without a point of differentiation, agency self-promotion efforts devolve into the very kind of advertising we loathe-- full of non-offensive double-talk and empty platitudes.
  • 19. If you filled out a creative brief to sell your agency as a brand, what would it say? And what kind of creative work would result? Until ad agencies get better at building their own brands--promoting their own services, defining what they stand for, and defending their point-of-view and their work, clients will find other ways to spend their marketing dollars. After all, brands either live up to their promises, or they die. Right? ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 19
  • 20. 8/12/2002 The Creative Teamsters What if advertising people had a union? As a baseball fan, I get really sickened at the prospect of yet another players’ strike. Then I get really intrigued at the same time. If baseball players, actors, and screenwriters can form unions, why can’t advertising professionals? Advertising doesn’t require heavy lifting, and unless your boss has an X-ACTO knife fetish or full-time PMS the work isn’t dangerous, but our industry struggles with all the hot button issues that unions have traditionally tackled: job security, hours, benefit cutbacks, blatant age and sex discrimination, fill-in-yourgripe here. Me, I’ve written TV and radio campaigns that were so effective they were still being aired long after I’d left the agencies I wrote them for, with not an extra penny or drop of credit to show for the effort. If I had been a union VO talent on those spots instead of the copywriter, I might have been more properly compensated. Let’s also address the current state of staffing in the ad business today. Nothing is more pathetic than ad people who blurt out “I’m slammed” when you ask them how they’re doing. Seems that nobody has the means to hire additional help, yet “slammed” is a sorry-ass way to live no matter what kind of work you’re doing for a living. So what if we all did something about the industry’s current sorry state of affairs, like unionize and strike? A strike would test the notion of how much impact a “superstar” employee has on the end product, how interchangeable ad pros really might be, and how much of a vendor-like commodity advertising is. Just imagine, if you will, an advertising creatives’ strike. While ad people are off picketing (or hanging out at the bar or Starbucks), agency owners and holding company executives could hire scabs. Maybe the scabs would bring back the puns that were so in vogue 20 years ago. (“Makes Pasta Fasta” lives again!!) Maybe every ad would feature dogs, babies and big-ass logos. I imagine the work at Wieden would suffer tremendously, but nothing coming out of Grey would be any worse.
  • 21. The weird part is, the more I think about an advertising union, the more, uh, anti-American it sounds. I mean, unions seem like such an Industrial Revolution throwback kind of thing, a 20th century solution to a 21st century problem. However, as the ad industry becomes more centrally controlled, with more work being done by less people, and technology making it virtually impossible not to spend all of one’s waking hours thinking about work, I wonder what the solution might be. Two high-profile books coming out soon are predicting “the fall” and “the end” of advertising. Well, maybe some radical thinking could save the business. Although Hollywood no longer employs the “studio system” that kept people bound for years, the screenwriters, actors, directors, and other groups still receive some form of protection for their labor. The ad industry loves to compare itself to Hollywood, with our politicized work environments, our “creative superstar” system, and constant art vs. commerce battles. So, why not follow Hollywood’s lead and unionize? Hey, at least we’d have picket signs with killer headlines and art direction. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 21
  • 22. 9/10/2002 Hey, Luke, Squeeze This A plea for some useful advice If I see any of the following phrases again I'm going to scream: "Push the envelope." "Good enough is not good enough." "Tell the client what they need to hear, not what they want to hear." "Get your book together and quit your measly job if you're not getting into CA." I don't fault ad people for the volumes of books and op-ed columns they write to inspire us. I’d just like to see some advice for those of us who spend our days at agencies where greatness is in short supply. At shops struggling to get to “the next level,” which are the majority of agencies, the hurdles to producing great ads are much more fundamental. Recently, I was thumbing through my well-worn copy of Luke Sullivan’s Hey Whipple Squeeze This. It’s a great book. Luke's a genius. I personally just can't seem to use much of his advice. Here are a few of Luke’s tips: “Insist on a tight strategy.” Good one. I’m a big believer in strategic thinking, and on a few occasions, I’ve been allowed to contribute to the process. So what happens when you don’t have a strategy at all, much less a tight one? What should you do when you don’t get a creative brief, and you’re not in a position to change that? Insisting on a tight strategy is futile when "increase sales and increase awareness" is all the insight you get. “Cast and cast and cast.” Luke’s talking about radio here. I love writing radio, and I know that casting is essential. So what do you do when a client wants to record new radio spots, but doesn’t want to pay for union talent. Or pay for non-union talent. He simply looks around the room at the two thin-voiced writers and says “You guys have nice voices. Why don’t you do it?” “If the client says he has three important things to say, tell the account executive the client needs three ads.” In my experience, this tends to go over like a lead balloon. I could tell an AE that all day long,and the AE might be sympathetic, but I’ll still end up with ad that has a snipe on the top, a snipe on the bottom, and a starburst in the corner.
  • 23. “Don’t let advertising mess up your life.” Well, it’s too late for that, I’m afraid. Sometimes I think the sole purpose of advertising is to mess up people’s lives. In a perfect world, we could all throw out a choice Luke Sullivan, David Ogilvy, or Bill Bernbach bons mots and our fellow co-workers and clients would instantly see the light of day. But the world isn’t perfect. There’s a legion of ad professionals who aren’t doing two-page spreads with near-invisible logos. Who only have $20,000 to do a TV commercial. Who have clients that would rather art direct or rewrite an ad than approve one. Who work in agencies that are understaffed or improperly staffed, which compromises strategic thinking, planning, concepting and execution. Where’s the advice for us? I’ve heard the statement that "90% of all advertising is crap." Lord knows, I’ve done my share. But it’s been my experience that producing “crap” is a group effort, requiring the collective efforts of clients, agency management and staff. I’m only one person, with no power over anything other than this column. How can I overcome the poorly trained yes-men and yes-women who lurk in every facet of the ad making process? Help me, Luke. I need you. Together, we can bring that “crap” percentage down. We should be able to get it to 89% in no time. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 23
  • 24. 9/24/2002 The Enemies Down The Hall Can't the various disciplines all just get along? Even in the year 2002, many agencies keep people of different disciplines isolated from one another. While espousing "integrated communications," we have segregated agencies. Maybe you’ve worked in a shop like that. I have. I'd only been at the agency a week or two when an assignment came in to write headlines for a new campaign consisting of 15 ads or so. So I wrote a bunch of headlines and taped each one to the wall of my office. That way, I'd take a look, get some reaction from my co-workers, and get a sense of which headlines were the strongest. Perfectly normal, or so I thought. Not at this shop. Before me, no one had ever publicly displayed ideas in their gestation stage like I did. I was treated like a sideshow freak. "You really need to decorate your office better," one AE smirked. I'd stumbled into a nether-nether world where no one collaborated and ideas were not shared until it was time to actually present something. Everyone, in every discipline, keeps their cards close to their chest. The distrust runs far and deep. Does your agency keep account service, media, and creative people separated in different parts of your office? Or on different floors? I suggest an agency structured so dysfunctionally runs like a prison. You know, where the white-collar criminals stay separated from child rapists. Physical barriers become mental barriers. I've heard many creative directors say, "Well, if we don't do such-and-such, we'll look bad to account service." As if someone in the agency is keeping score. We couldn't even pitch rough ideas internally without fear of having it killed. Bill Backer once said ideas need "care and feeding." Well, I suppose that means I've worked at the advertising equivalent of an abortion clinic. The "us vs. them" mentality of account service and creative people still exists in many agencies across the country. Hell, at many places, the media people stay even more isolated than the rest of the agency. Terrible. I've always believed that the many of the best creative executions have involved a unique media placement. Knowing when and where an ad will appear, and using that info to custom tailor a message, is a powerful tool. Unfortunately, media people aren't involved in the creative process. And vice versa.
  • 25. There's no law that says AE's can't write a headline or media people can't think about creative executions. There's no law that says a copywriter can't help write an account plan or a creative brief. Ideas can come from anywhere, and they can be improved by anyone. We all have our respective jobs to do, and areas of expertise. Advertising, however, is a collaborative business. A business where no two products made are alike. In order to be successful, an agency needs to welcome an open free-flow of ideas. Let the bad ideas die on their merits, not because of fear, ego or politics. Stop the infighting. Stop the isolation. Start working together on every project, from the beginning. I believe an ad agency can operate this way and still make money. Besides, we all know who the real enemy is. It's the client. Right? ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 25
  • 26. 10/15/2002 “60 Minutes” and a Brilliant Marketing Minute How Donny Deutsch Made Advertising Relevant Again--For a Moment A few weeks ago, “60 Minutes” ran a segment that focused on network TV and advertising’s perpetual fixation with youthful target audiences. They interviewed Donny Deutsch and also showed some clips from the Mitsubishi campaign. When the segment was over and they went to commercial, guess what the first spot in the break was? Yup —a Mitsubishi spot. Brilliant move, Donny. This media buy might have been a coincidence, but I’m willing to bet it was intentional. Seems to me the audience of “60 Minutes” doesn’t reflect Mitsubishi’s target demographics on an ordinary Sunday. In this case, however, the fit was perfect, and the subject matter of the story put me in the right frame of mind to see the commercial moments later. I use this example because the impression I get is not that Deutsch has savvier media buyers (though they might be) or that Donny Deutsch is a whiz at his own PR (though we all know he is), but that his agency overall is a more creative and effective agency in terms of what they do for their clients. So much talk focuses on why PR is more effective than advertising these days, but ad agencies don’t have to become irrelevant. Perhaps we can learn from Deutsch’s example—an example of why he’s an effective brand steward for Mitsubishi. The fundamental premise of advertising is built on paid airtime or space—agencies and clients control what the message is, who sees the message and when they see the message. Do ad agencies utilize the benefits implied in that premise? Hell no. We have so much control over a brand’s communications, yet most advertising is still dull, irrelevant, and in ever higher quantities that numb the senses. Can one person, or one creative team, one AE, fix this problem one ad at a time? Sure. While we determine how brands should fit into a consumers’ lifestyle, we should also determine how a brand’s advertising more closely matches the media environment. As a creative person, I have always made it a point to find out when and where an ad will appear before I begin concepting, because all information pertaining to an assignment, including media placement, is powerful. I keep all the information in mind so I create a more creative and effective ad.
  • 27. If I know the ad is going in the sports section, I write an ad relevant to the people who read the sports section. If an ad’s going to air primarily late at night, I write with insomniacs in mind. I thought this logic could be easily applied at smaller agencies where it’s easy for every department to work closely together, and small clients could appreciate the added value of strategic thinking that blends creative, media and PR. Unfortunately, in my experience, small agencies, in particular, seem ill-equipped to implement such a process. Every assignment for a brand fits into The Big Picture. Every point of communication can further build a brand. Any client can benefit from integrated ideas (and in Mitsubishi’s case, sharp thinking and good timing) that make budgets go farther. But many agencies don’t encourage their employees to embrace interdisciplinary thinking. Nor do agencies strongly advocate to their clients the benefits of that approach. In the haste to simply get work out the door, people fail to consider the big picture, big ideas go unrewarded, and our clients’ money gets wasted. Maybe that’s why people are beginning to think advertising has decreasing relevance. Maybe that’s why small ad agencies stay small. Maybe that’s why Deutsch went from a small agency to national prominence in only a few years. So here’s to you, Donny. Your PR stunt, backed with paid advertising, worked on me. Just don’t get a big head because I’m giving you props, okay? ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 27
  • 28. 11/5/2002 Advertising For Columbine The message we send to consumers: Be afraid--be very afraid Okay, I won't make this a movie review, but I recently saw Michael Moore's new movie "Bowling for Columbine." The film is a study of violence in America, and a culture of fear that seems, in part, to be fueled by media hype. It's a great movie, and whether you agree with Moore’s views or tactics, he makes you think. At least he made me think--because advertising, though not a central culprit in the movie, plays a supporting role. Has advertising created fear as the primary reason to buy something? Is preying upon that fear the best method of marketing? As advertisers, can we sell our client's goods and services to an audience that's too scared to buy? Where I live, the nightly local news is a litany of stories about murders, car accidents, robberies, school violence and health alerts. How can an advertiser transition to happy news of "STOREWIDE SAVINGS!" at a commercial break and expect their audience to be receptive? We preach about understanding consumers’ mindsets, but have you ever seen a creative brief that describes a target audience as “scared shitless?” When people are afraid, advertising loses relevance by assuming everything’s OK. Take the recent D.C. sniper shootings. I don't live in the D.C. area, but I really would love to know how gas stations or convenience stores could advertise as if they were conducting business as usual-- sending the message of "hey, come in for gas and soda" when people were afraid to get out of their cars. The release of “Bowling for Columbine” couldn’t have been more perfectly timed. In one scene, Moore flashes a montage of reports of the nightly news about everything that we should be concerned about: contaminated food, poisonous snakes, polluted water, killer bees, etc. As if the world was safer and healthier 200 years ago. All the bad news has a cumulative effect. If you believe what you read in the paper or see on TV, the world is a very scary place. Whether the threat is legitimate or imagined, the fear becomes real. And as ad people know, perception is reality. The distorted view becomes the norm. If you’re suddenly afraid to leave your house or pump gas because a random sniper’s on the loose, your abnormal behavior becomes normal.
  • 29. And advertising preys upon that fear. The solution, we say is to buy more--security systems, fences, child safety seats, bacteria-killing handi wipes—to protect against any threat. This, on top of the daily fears of not appearing sexy enough, smart enough, rich enough, or confident enough in the eyes of friends and neighbors. I think fear is a core tenet of the advertising business. Internally as well as externally. Look at your agency. Are you surrounded by fear? Fear of ideas being rejected, losing clients (who are also fearful), losing jobs, losing money. So the tendency is to fall in line and not make waves. There’s safety in mediocrity. If you speak your mind, or go against the conventional wisdom, you could easily be fired-especially in this economy. Consequently, much of the work panders to the lowest common denominator— fear. If more advertising were life-affirming, and less fear-inducing, would the world around us feel safer? Would the rest of the culture reflect our positive changes? “Bowling for Columbine” doesn’t have the answers, and neither do I. Unfortunately, I don't believe that ad agencies, ad people, the media or consumers are going to stop perpetuating the cycle of fear, because fear sells. That's what scares me the most. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 29
  • 30. 11/26/2002 On Killer Books and Hard-Hitting Executions The bizarre vernacular of the ad industry As a writer, I’m perpetually curious about the power of words. Like any profession, advertising has its own vernacular. However, since we’re in the business of communicating with the general public, I find the language we use internally to be very bizarre. Let me show know you what I mean. “Shop” Ad agencies are commonly referred to as “shops.” This term has an old-world feel, as if ad people were artisans like cobblers or blacksmiths, crafting great ads in our “shop.” But in my experience, clients tend to dictate what they want, and get it exactly how they want it, the way Meg Ryan ordered food in “When Harry Met Sally.” Maybe we should refer to an ad agency not as a “shop,” but as a “diner.” “Killer” Describing any great ad as “killer” always perplexed me. If an ad is a killer, well, does it mean the ad’s “target” would be rendered dead by watching or reading the ad? Are we talking about advertising or quail hunting? Killer diseases are bad. Killer bees are bad. Serial killers like the Son of Sam are bad. Why are killer ads good? “Hard-hitting” I once had a client who continually requested that ads be more “hard-hitting.” This meant inserting more exclamation points, more use of warnings like “DON’T MISS OUT!” and of course, more starbursts and snipes. The result? My ads were hard-hitting, but they weren’t killer. Many clients believe hard-hitting ads work and I think I know why. Ads deemed to be “hard-hitting” leave the audience staggered, but still physically able to buy something. However, an audience killed by “killer” ads is dead and can’t use their credit card. “Executions” In advertising agencies around the world, thousands of unsuspecting, innocent- looking ads are executed every day. An “execution” of an idea means a finished version of the idea. Just like variations of the death penalty, there are many ways to execute an idea, which brings me to a similar term: “Produced” An idea “produced” means that the ad actually appears on-air or in print. Producing an ad means you’ve brought it to life. What confuses me is in some cases, “execute” means “to put to death” while “produce” means “to bring into existence.” In advertising, though, it’s perfectly acceptable to use the two words together, which makes for some bizarre English--more on that later.
  • 31. “Edgy” Somebody (Dan Wieden I think, but I’m not sure) already addressed this term pretty effectively. He said that when something has an edge, someone is bound to get cut. The moral here is that if you go to present an “edgy” idea to a client, bring some tourniquets. Remember: edgy ideas are not always killer ideas. And if you fall on your sword for an edgy idea, you might be the one who gets killed. Or fired. “Book” This word has a strange dual meaning: It describes both a creative portfolio and, more oddly, a magazine. The first time I heard a Creative Director refer to home improvement magazines as “shelter books” I nearly pissed in my pants from laughing so hard. A term like that sounds ridiculous, but it’s a common usage. If magazines are “books,” what do we call actual hard-bound books? Confused about the way people in your agency talk? Don’t be. Just remember these tips: --Any ad can be executed, but killers are usually executed well. --To “kill” also applies when an ad isn’t going to reach the public. You can have a killer ad killed by a client before you get a chance to execute it. --Killer ads tend to win more industry praise than hard-hitting ads. Especially in your book. --An ad that is produced may not be the best possible execution, and your executions may not be well-produced. --At any moment, your executions may be killed at random by people you’ve never met for reasons that don’t make sense. --If an idea has legs, you may be able to produce many executions for a long time. And putting all those produced killer executions into your book may land you a great gig doing edgy work in a hot shop. Got it? Good. Now let’s all go out and communicate with our audience. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 31
  • 32. 12/18/2002 Screw Unto Others… Religion and Advertising: Two very similar, and sinister, concepts I was setting up my Beanie Baby Jesus nativity scene when it struck me that no one should get too worked up or too surprised about the increasing crass commercialism of the holiday season. In fact, I think Jesus, Moses, Allah and Buddha would all be ad people if they were alive today. What do advertising and religion have to do with one another? Plenty. Advertising and marketing are borrowing basic tenets of religion to increase customer loyalty and sales. Nike created a belief system around its brand. So did Ben and Jerry’s, Harley- Davidson, Saturn-- all established a set of values their brands were based on. On Sunday morning, you can go to church to feel a sense of enlightenment and community. You can also go to Starbucks and feel the same thing. A few years ago, an ad agency declared that “brands are the new religion.” Human beings are tribal beings —joiners at heart. Everyone wants to feel like they’re a part of something bigger than themselves. If Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc, won’t do the trick, maybe driving a Saturn will. Is it a spiritually empty way to embrace a brand instead of a god? Maybe, maybe not. But advertising has legitimized thinking of brands as having value systems one can believe in. Consequently, many consumers have bought into this. What’s dangerous is that positive messages in both advertising and religion always come with negative implications for disbelievers. You can easily intertwine similar ideas about religion and advertising. I'll do it in the same sentence: If you don’t believe in this deity or buy this product or live this type of lifestyle, then you are damned, you will go to hell, you are not a complete person, you are not sexy or successful, you will never get laid. Simply put, "you are not one of us"—that’s the inherent premise of most fundamentally religious people-or brand-conscious people. Too much belief in a certain religion, or brands that represent status, turn rational decent people into intolerant and critical ones. Don’t believe me? Think back to the cliques you saw in high school—if you didn’t look or dress a certain way, boy you’d get a lot of crap.
  • 33. This isn’t just an abstract concept, it affects our daily relationships and the people we work with. Someone who proudly preaches "I'm a Christian" and someone who says "I only date people who wear Prada" share the same holier-than-thou attitude, and look down upon those who don't. Think back: Did you ever have a client tell you to do an ad based on the message, "our product is the best"? You’re not really given a solid reason why that product is the best--it just is. Myopic clients believe in the basic superiority of their product--no matter what the truth is. That's also what each religion believes about itself. We, as a society, prefer believers. Take the flip side: In mainstream America, people who don’t believe in organized religion and people who encourage others not to buy stuff or conserve resources are treated like outcasts and pariahs. Both religion and advertising risk losing credibility. The perception is out there that they are responsible for badness as well as goodness. While unwavering belief in a religion contributes to the destruction of certain groups of people, mass consumption contributes to the destruction of the earth's resources. I know, it's a heavy topic. It's just what I think about when I get stuck in traffic on the way to the mall. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 33
  • 34. 1/7/2003 This Column is Gold, Baby Your guide to entering awards shows Grab the spray mount! Fire up the interns! It’s awards show entry time again. You’ve got forms to fill out and ads to trim. What’s that you say? You didn’t produce any worthy ads last year? Don’t fret. I’m here to help. There’s always a decent percentage of authentic, truly good work that wins. But here are some tips for the rest of us who don’t work on stuff like that: Get your Creative Director to be a judge in the show. Your agency will be guaranteed to win a few awards just as a quid pro quo. If your CD can’t be a judge, then volunteer to do the inside- ad-joke “call for entries” piece. That always gets at least a merit award. If you went to a portfolio school, chances are you did a whacked out, visual solution, two-page spread for a product that doesn’t need to advertise—like say, the “Connect Four” board game or marshmallows. You can enter ads like that in the real world. Just credit your agency as being located in Singapore, Malaysia, or South Africa. Don’t enter any ads with store locations, phone numbers or contact info to get more information. That’s all extraneous and never gets read. Besides, consumers don’t need that stuff--the logo is all they need to go find the brand and buy the product. No body copy should be longer than two sentence, unless it’s a 400 word treatise on the centuries’ old tradition of hand-crafted Norwegian truffles. Stencil something on the sidewalk outside your agency and take a picture of it. That’s your "Guerrilla Marketing" entry. Don’t submit ads for cigar bars, hot sauce, or sex toy shops. They’re too easy. But organic dog food stores, discount coffin warehouses, and lesbian bed-and-breakfasts are all fair game. In every awards show, there’s always one good carnivore-oriented steakhouse or BBQ restaurant campaign. Give it a whirl. All newspaper ads must be four-color, full-page, and have minimal copy. Just like all newspaper ads are, right? Judges respond to brand names. Wanna do a Nike ad? Wanna do a Miller Lite ad? No problem— instead of putting the brand logo in the corner, just stick in the name and phone number of a local store where they sell those products—that’s your real client.
  • 35. It doesn’t matter what your ad’s target audience really is—ads that speak to older or less affluent or small-town audiences never win awards. At awards show time, your audience is a group of 38 year-old white guys (and a token woman) wearing lots of black and acting hipper-than-thou. Concept your ads accordingly. (There is a caveat, however: Be leery of anyone in your agency who walks down the hall with a tissue comp saying, “This ad is a gold winner” or anyone who evaluates ad concepts based on “What would show judges think of this?” That’s a sure sign of a loser—in more ways than one.) So there you have it. Good luck, and have a good time. By the way, if you take me up on the discount coffin warehouse idea, be sure to ask ‘em if they sell coffins big enough to fit you and all your awards. Remember, the only true measure of a person in the ad business is how many awards they’ve won, and only gold pencil winners go to heaven. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 35
  • 36. 1/30/2003 Chapter 11 in The Book Of Advertising Is a client's business failure our fault? I read recently where a former client of mine filed for bankruptcy. Among the reasons cited was the failure of its recent "repositioning and advertising" efforts. This client I worked on was a household name, having been in business for 50 years. The client had just come to my agency looking for "fresh thinking," in spite of the fact that this client's business model was truly dated, and in danger of facing extinction. While the work I did for this now-bankrupt client won an award, it was a mere drop in the bucket of this company's marketing efforts. Still, I was surprised about the bankruptcy, and a little sad. Companies go out of business all the time, but this one was a new experience for me. During the dot-com boom of the late 90's, I was working on low-tech old-school clients, so my portfolio is not littered with campaigns for bad business ideas like justgolftees.com. Still, if ad agencies aim to be "marketing partners" and not merely vendors, do we share the blame in our clients' business failures? You can't attribute a cataclysmic clusterfuck like Enron to its advertising, but there are scores of other clients who advertise and are dependent on that advertising to increase sales, awareness, and keep their businesses flush with cash. Increasingly, agency compensation is being tied to a client's sales goals. So exactly what is the agency's responsibility and/or fault if the figures don't come out well? What's beyond our control? Agencies are naturally wary of performance-based compensation, because there's just no exact method of determining an ad campaign's influence on sales. Whether a campaign works or not, the fact remains ad agencies love to take the credit and hate to take the blame. Agencies love to produce case studies based on a client's increased sales and awareness. Agencies rarely talk about the clients that spiraled downward--or out of business altogether. Successful or not, the fortunes of a client always affect the agency. Certainly, agency principals and account directors hear about it when their clients' businesses aren't doing well. But what about the "rank-and-file" employees of agencies?
  • 37. If working on one particular client represents most of my average workload (essentially meaning one client pays my salary), do I have a responsibility to not only do great ads, but also care about how their business is doing overall, and help influence their marketing strategy? I have the fantasy that if I had still been working at the agency, knowing what I do about advertising and marketing, I could have been a voice of reason that might have steered this now- bankrupt client back on the right path. (I have other fantasies about me and Catherine Zeta-Jones, but that's another story.) When a large client faces bankruptcy, it is often public knowledge--lately I've been reading about major retailers and airlines that are fighting for survival. These companies need more than great ads to fix their problems. I don't think ad agencies should be blind to this. By incorporating business-building ideas into our brand-building ideas, we may well boost the image of the ad business. There has to be a way to build this into an agency's ad making process. If we allow our clients to spiral into bankruptcy, we'll find ourselves losing clients, and becoming creatively bankrupt as well. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 37
  • 38. 2/18/2003 Geezertising Will we adjust advertising standards for an aging population? I read recently about a group of ad industry veterans who started a new agency to do the style of creative work they used to do—15 and 25 years ago. It was hard to read the profiles and quotes of these dudes without hearing Grandpa Simpson’s voice in my head—“And in those days, type was hand kerned…” For a moment, I thought it was a silly idea—but then I realized these guys might be just the ones to fill a niche that’s becoming larger by the minute. Americans are living longer, and we’re at a point where senior citizens (and those about to be) are everywhere, and while they still count their change slowly and carefully at the checkout counter, they’ve got more change to spend then ever before. The reality will hit us all-just because the baby boom generation is getting older, their vanity won’t make them healthier. They’ll need their Metamucil and their adult diapers and their reading glasses and their sensible shoes. Will advertising adjust? How will our industry sell these products to an aging population still obsessed with youth? For most people, tastes in pop culture are formed in, well, their formative years—teens and early twenties. It’s not that they won’t change and experiment with new brands— but there’s less impulsiveness. Brands don’t define older people in quite the same way brands define teenage life. However, the ad industry will still have to find ways to position brands to appeal to an ever-older audience. An even bigger dilemma looms. Stylistically, much of today’s “edgy” advertising may not resonate. These consumers will seek out what’s familiar. MTV style quick editing doesn’t work for generations that weren’t weaned on it. 12-point body copy doesn’t work for aging eyes. Ironic humor? Probably not. It’s possible the disparity between breakthrough creative and marketing effectiveness will get wider and wider. For young creatives (and ad people across all disciplines), bridging the learning gap will take a lot of work-people of Generation X and Generation Y can tell when ads that purport to speak to them don't ring true, and older generations are no different.
  • 39. It’s no secret that for the most part, long careers in advertising are rare. Will the industry retain more older workers because they understand the needs of this audience or will youth prevail like always? I suppose if there's enough profit in a certain type of ad technique or market segment, the ad industry will chase it full force. That’s the one thing that never changes. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 39
  • 40. 3/11/2003 Leaping to The Dark Side Why aren’t more ad accounts serviced in-house? I once worked on an account where, every week, a new rumor or thinly veiled threat floated around our agency, stating our client wanted to “pull the business” away. We never lost the business, but the fear was always there, affecting everybody. And it’s standard operating procedure in many agencies. Read Adweek or Ad Age, and you’ll constantly see the news: Another day, another agency fired or another account in review. I can’t imagine other professional services face this turnover as much—corporations don’t switch accounting firms or lawyers every 2 years to get a bigger tax refund or lawsuit judgment. With a lack of trust in agency/client relationships, profitability margins of agencies getting ever thinner, and clients reviewing their accounts more and more frequently, problems seem to stay pervasive. It may just be that the traditional agency model doesn’t satisfy the needs of many advertisers. So why don’t more companies set up in-house ad departments? Many companies do have in-house ad departments—particularly retailers. But often times, these departments are for mostly fast-turnaround, unglamorous work. Maybe these companies should consider a department not just for the newspaper inserts or signage—but for the whole shebang. It strikes me as strange when I read about a client that has an in-house ad department, yet calls a review to parcel out the high-profile glory “branding” assignments. It sounds as if the company has no confidence in their own people, and I suppose if I were working in that kind of department I’d be pissed. Setting up an advertising department that is capable of doing high-level creative work would take some effort. There seems to be a stigma for many ad people about the idea of working in-house at a corporation, the implication being they’re not good enough to work at an agency. I believe it can work, though. Would working in a corporate environment inhibit creativity? No more so than working in a bureaucratic ad agency run by fear. Could an in-house agency attract the highest level of talent? If there were sufficient enough high profile assignments, talent would flock there.
  • 41. Given a little flexibility to be creative, and removing the strains common to so many agency/ client conflicts, the results could be wonderful. Going in-house would eliminate the notion that agencies only look out for their own interests, not the client’s. As long as companies don’t perceive ad agencies as being valuable, they’ll continue to look for alternatives to improve their marketing—be it product placement, branded content, PR or consulting companies. The solution may be right in a client’s own office. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 41
  • 42. 4/1/2003 Getting Embedded With the Client What advertising can learn from a televised war I always take public opinion polls with a grain of salt. But it startled me when, in the first week of the current war, the percentage of people who agreed with the statement “the war is going well” fluctuated DAILY. According to the Pew Research Center, here are the percentages of Americans who agreed that “the war is going very well” during the first week of fighting: Friday 3/21 71% Saturday 3/22 69% Sunday 3/23 52% Monday 3/24 38% Two days of a less-than-rosy outlook sent public opinion spiraling down. The constant stream of war news (and the endless spin of cable news taking heads) and our short attention span led to false expectations of instant victory. I shudder to think how 24/7 news coverage would have affected World War II, when bad news lingered for months at a time. I believe the ad industry can learn a lot from the war coverage and its effects on the public. As advertisers, we are the ones who can shape public opinion for our clients. We have to be the ones to ensure that a brand, at every turn, puts on its best face every day. That means being proactive, especially in the face of forces beyond our control. Public perception is fickle, and advertisers have to prepare for that reality. Every piece of information about a brand contributes to the cumulative effect of perception. A sale can be jeopardized by bad customer service or rude salespeople. A person talking about a bad experience at a store will influence his/her acquaintances. A bad, misguided, insulting ad can turn consumers off for good. What ad agencies also need to accept is that we are ultimately responsible for the consequences of our campaigns once we’ve executed them, and we must define for our clients what constitutes a “successful” campaign.
  • 43. For every client and every campaign, success is perceived differently. Does your agency effectively manage your clients’ expectations or does your agency promise them the moon and stars? Do your clients get nervous if one ad or one month’s ads don’t work as well as hoped? Are your clients ready to bail on you at the first sight of trouble? Reaching for the panic button is quite common when an ad campaign does not roll out as well as hoped. But look at the war situation--our military didn’t give up after one week, nor were they ever planning on giving up despite the polls I quoted. Adjustments were made because of the enemy’s shifting tactics, not the shifting mood of public back home. If our military leaders take intelligence data and then ultimately make decisions by trusting their instincts, shouldn’t advertising agencies be allowed to do the same thing? I actually heard a retired general on TV this weekend say that war is an art (I guess Sun Tzu was right.) Well, if war can be considered an art, advertising certainly is. No test, simulation, or focus group can adequately predict the effectiveness of a campaign. We should not pretend otherwise. By the time you read this, the war might be close to ending. Or the war could be a long way from over. No doubt, public opinion will continue to shift wildly. However, our leaders are confident that the mission will be a success and right now, that’s what counts. As advertisers, we can learn from our military’s example. As brand stewards, we’re in it for the long haul, and must think long-term. We have to believe we’re doing the right thing for our clients. We need to start with good raw data. We need to formulate a good plan. Most of all, we need to trust our instincts and stick with them. Otherwise, (bad cliché alert) we may win the battle, but we’ll lose the war. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 43
  • 44. 4/24/2003 In The Belly Of The Beast What I learned by spending a few days at Talent Zoo Three weeks ago, I decided to hand-deliver my column to the receiving desk on the 34th Floor of the Talent Zoo Tower. With a rare few days off, and being a little too old for spring break in South Padre Island, I asked if I could hang around a while. As an ad agency employee and sometime job seeker, I wanted to view life from the other side. After signing a confidentiality agreement, as well as enduring a 20 minute interrogation under a bare light bulb (outsiders are treated with suspicion), I was given permission to observe the inner workings of the Talent Zoo empire. I learned a lot. I'd like to share my observations with you. There are a buttload of job seekers and not nearly enough jobs for all of them. Given the state of the economy, that really shouldn't come as a shock. But when you're actually confronted with a constant influx of emails, resumes and books, you see how overwhelming it can get, and how tough the competition for every position truly is. The only resumes and books that really stand out are the great ones and the really shitty ones. Being a naturally curious creative guy, I looked through a bunch of books. Most people fall somewhere in the middle between genius and hack. After flipping through 5 books in a row everything looks the same (and for all the non-creatives, all resumes look the same.) Any ads done before 1995 look very dated now. Nearly everyone has a spec campaign or two thrown in, and some are quite obviously spec. Sticking a book in a metal case won't make a difference if the ads suck. Dealing with PDF's, CD-ROMS and online portfolios is a royal pain in the ass. And by the way, there's no 3/4" machine at Talent Zoo, so I'm sure I missed a lot of good (and bad) TV spots. Everyone thinks they're God's gift to advertising. Every job seeker claims to be hard- working, passionate, and dedicated. Every creative is conceptual, thinks outside the box and is never content with mediocrity. Job seekers love to pile on the positive attributes. Believing in yourself and your abilities is truly important, but listing those qualities on a resume doesn't make a lasting impression.
  • 45. Everyone thinks they're perfect for every open job. People who are not qualified for a particular position apply anyway, thinking that a shot in the dark is better than no shot at all. These candidates are easy to spot because their name is constantly recycled, and they're just wasting everybody's time. I noticed one guy had applied for copywriter, art director, creative director, and a traffic position--and was not qualfied for any of them. Agencies take their sweet time making hiring decisions, and no amount of prodding from Talent Zoo speeds the process along. Calling every two hours won't help you get anywhere. Everyone sends emails with grammatical mistakes. Even the copywriters. But some copywriters send books with grammatical mistakes and ads with greeked body copy, and nothing makes this copywriter cringe more than sophomoric mistakes like those. Nice people don't always finish first, but they stay at the top of the list. Judging by the correspondence I sampled, most candidates are pleasant and polite, even if they don't get a job via Talent Zoo. However, some candidates are rude and full of attitude, and everyone at Talent Zoo knows who those candidates are. So play nicely, kids. Not a bad education for a few days of lingering. The staff at Talent Zoo are truly good people who would love to help everyone find a great job, but the law of supply and demand says they can't. So keep that in mind. And don't send them any bribes--it still won't help you land a job any faster. Although a little chocolate never hurts. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 45
  • 46. 5/13/2003 Jumping The Shark Why are some shops hot, cold, or dead? Wells Rich Greene. N.W. Ayer. D’Arcy. And now maybe Bates. All these agencies, at some point in the last 10 years, went from being billion dollar companies to out of business. How does this free-fall happen? Why are some ad agencies able to stay in business for a long time, while others have the half-life of Uranium? I’m certain the people who ran the agencies I just named did not sit down one day and say, “We’re gonna do shitty work, treat our employees like crap and run this place into the ground.” So what happened?? Can we pinpoint any specific times when ad agencies “Jump The Shark?” (If you don’t know what I’m referring to, go to www.jumptheshark.com and then continue reading this column) This phenomenon doesn’t only occur to big behemoth agencies. In my days as an ad school student, I distinctly remember there were some shops, mostly boutiques, everyone talked about. If you were one of the lucky few to land a gig there, you would be handed the keys to the kingdom. These days, some of those shops are long gone, and some are still around and doing good work. But they’re not hot anymore. They’ve been replaced a by a new crop of “It” shops, who possess whatever the “It” factor might be that gets students to drool over them. Did the once-hot shops stop entering awards shows? Did they give up on press releases so you never read about them anymore? Did they take on accounts that lowered their creative standards? Did management changes affect the momentum of the agency? It is true that a shuffle in management personnel can result in a new philosophy, better (or worse) work, and affect the company profile or morale. After all, the fish rots from the head down.
  • 47. I’m sure you have, as I have, encountered agencies that want to become “the next hot shop.” They want to become gold pencil winners. They want to take the work to the next level. They want to pursue more high-profile, national accounts. All of which is very easy to say, and incredibly hard to do. Invariably, those things rarely happen when a shop’s cultural DNA prevents it. You can’t polish a turd. But there’s always hope, or another open ad assignment, or another great account up for review. That’s why no two days in this business are ever alike. I firmly believe any ad agency, given the right conditions, can improve itself, make more money, grow, do great work, win awards, and be the kind of agency people would kill to work at. Your agency can be one of those agencies. Just make sure your agency never hires Ted McGinley to be the new Creative Director. ©2002-2011 Dan Goldgeier View From The Cheap Seats By Danny G. • Page 47