Defensiveness – A process of protecting our presenting self, reacting strongly to perceived criticism.

1. Syed Yousuf Ifteqar – 10-09-13 Miloni Mithani – 10-09-04

2. Jeff: Employee
Spencer: Manager
Scenario:
Jeff’s Manager Spencer wants to talk to Jeff
(who is a defensive person), about his poor performance over
the previous quarter.

3. Jeff Spencer
Spencer, you wanted to talk to me? Yes, Jeff, Thanks for coming (phone rings)
Gets Frustrated, “ I am busy, can we get
on with this ?
Absolutely, as you know you had
problems meeting all your goals last
quarter
No. I met the most important goal But you missed the other four
Just by a little, and that was not my fault
Jeff, you need to accept responsibility for
your own performance and don’t push
blame on others. You need to meet all
your goals this quarter or I need to take
serious action
One bad quarter and you threaten to fire
me?
Just meet all of your goals and I won’t
have to take that action

4. Defensiveness:
Causes and Remedies
• Defensiveness – A process of protecting our
presenting self, reacting strongly to perceived criticism
• Cognitive Dissonance - An inconsistency between two
conflicting pieces of information, attitudes, or behavior
• Face-Threatening Acts - Messages that seem to
challenge the image we want to project
Types of Defensive Reactions
• Defense Mechanisms - Psychological devices that
resolve dissonance by maintaining a positive
presenting image

5. Attacking the Critic
• Sarcasm - Less direct form of aggression
• Verbal Aggression - Assaulting the critic directly
Types of Defensive Reactions
• Rationalization - Logical but untrue explanations of
behavior that is unacceptable to the self
Distorting Critical Information
• Compensation - Emphasizing a strength in one area
to cover up a weakness in another
• Regression – Claiming you can’t do something
Defensiveness:
Causes and Remedies

6. Superiority vs. Equality
• Superiority - “I’m better than you” belief
• Certainty - Regarding own opinions as absolutes
Preventing Defensiveness in Others
• Equality - See others as having the same worth as
human beings
Certainty vs. Provisionalism
• Provisionalism - Willing to acknowledge others’
opinions and change stand if it seems reasonable
Defensiveness:
Causes and Remedies

7. Control vs. Problem Orientation
• Controlling - Sender seems to impose a solution on
the receiver
• Neutrality - Disconfirming and indifferent
attitude; lack of concern
Preventing Defensiveness in Others
• Problem Orientation - Finding a solution that
satisfies all parties
Neutrality vs. Empathy
• Empathy - Putting oneself in another’s place
Defensiveness:
Causes and Remedies

8. Jeff’s
Reaction
Sample
Employee
Statement
Guidelines for
Spencer’s Response
Sample Manager
Response
Hostility/
Resistance/ Denial/
Defensiveness
“I don’t know
what you’re
talking about. I
provide great
customer service!”
“I do not accept
your feedback
regarding my
project
management
skills.
The incident you
cited did not
take place.”
Do:
•Provide sufficient examples to
support your feedback Gauge the
employee’s reasons for resistance
•Ask the employee to reflect on the
feedback and end the discussion if
the employee is being pointlessly
resistant Candidly discuss the
consequences if the employee does
not address the development area
•Refer the employee to the employee
assistance program (EAP), if
appropriate
Don’t:
•Get aggravated with the employee’s
open hostility and resistance to your
feedback
•Soften your feedback to alleviate the
reaction
•Attack the employee’s personality
based on his/her reaction
“Let’s review the examples I gave of
areas where I see an opportunity for
improvement.”
“Let’s give you some time to reflect on
the feedback I’ve provided and
reconnect tomorrow morning.”
“This is an opportunity for you to
improve your performance.
Disregarding it will continue to impact
your performance reviews down the line,
as well as the future opportunities
available to you here at the
organization.”

9. Indifference
“Maybe; I’ll see
what I can do.”
“I can’t make
any promises,
but I’ll try.”
“Sure, whatever
you say.”
Do:
•Ask the employee to reflect on
the development areas and
confirm whether he/she is able to
commit to them
•Discuss the consequences of
denial if the employee does not
commit to improving
Don’t:
•Overlook the employee’s
indifference and non-
commitment toward the
feedback
•Lose patience with the employee
Judge the employee for being
apathetic
“I’d like you to think about what
we discussed and whether it’s
something you can put the
required effort toward developing.”
“It’s important to let me know if
this isn’t something you can make
a full commitment to. If you decide
it’s something you can’t do then
that’s acceptable, but then we’ll
need to talk about the
consequences.”
Jeff’s
Reaction
Sample
Employee
Statement
Guidelines for Spencer’s
Response
Sample Manager
Response

10. Gottmans’s Four
Horsemen of Apocalypse
of a Relationship

11. Jeff’s Homework
 See criticism as a sign of others’ belief in your
abilities
 In the moment, buy time. Manage emotions
 Cultivate a growth mindset
 No ifs and buts
 Don’t Interrupt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Eq6tWtzQAY