Pratima Sharma is a retired police officer who now gives talks and presentations on marriage. In this presentation, she covers common issues that lead to conflicts in marriage such as financial problems, selfishness, lack of communication, and unmet expectations. She provides tips for resolving conflicts, which include having an impartial dialogue, focusing on facts rather than judging, listening to understand each other's perspectives, and using "I messages" rather than accusing the other person. The overall message is that marriage requires understanding, forgiveness, and focusing on the relationship rather than who is right or wrong.

1. Marriage & You
Pratima Sharma
Retd. ACP, Delhi Police

2. About me:
My name is Pratima Sharma and I retired from
Delhi Police as ACP after 40 years of public
service. I’ve served across department ranging
from Police Stations & Districts as SHO & ACP,
Special Police Unit For Women & Children,
Vigilance, to CID, and several others.
I’ve been fortunate enough to be a panelist and
guest speaker on several talk shows on national
tv networks, radio shows, and at prestigious
Universities. I’m now using the internet to share
my learnings and pass on the knowledge I’ve
acquired over 4 decades.
Contact: mail@pratima.me | www.pratima.me | linkedin.com/in/sharmapratima

3. About this deck:
In this presentation I’ve covered some of the
most common issues that lead to conflicts
between couples and how to resolve them.
The reasons behind broken marriages are
class & religion agnostic.
Some of these might seem obvious to you at
first but once you reflect back on your
personal issues, you will notice traces of
similar instances. More often than not, it’s the
cumulative effect of these issues that result
in differences and eventually, a fall out
between husband and wife.

4. Topics Covered
/ What is marriage?
/ What is looked for in an “Ideal Partner”? (Arranged marriage)
/ Consummation
/ Conflicts
/ Communication
/ Attitude Matters
/ You vs I

5. What is marriage?
● An intimate union and equal partnership of man and woman. It
is socially or ritually recognized union or legal contract between
spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them,
between them and their children, and between them and their
in- laws
● The application and interpretation of this definition have been
accepted and recognised across all religions & societies since
time immemorial.

6. Marriage as an institution
● Marriage is a set of rules and regulations, which define the
rights, duties and privileges of husband and wife with respect to
each other. It covers the following:
○ Matrimonial alliance
○ Solemnization
○ Consummation
○ Procreation

7. The search for “ideal partner”

8. Factors & Considerations for a matrimonial alliance
● Religion
● Caste
● Education
● Job/Salary
● Personality
[Arranged marriage]

9. 1. Regionalism
2. Social & financial status
3. Type of family: nuclear or joint
4. Rural or urban background, standard of living etc.
5. Dowry (unfortunately)
6. Solemnization of Marriage
Other factors

10. Consummation

11. Consummation
● Procreation (To produce offsprings)
● Spousal relationship
// Not producing children willfully or unable to bear a child due to
some problem is not a ground for divorce

12. Consummation
The act of making a marriage or relationship complete by having
sexual intercourse.
Any marriage can be voidable or annulled on the following grounds:
marriage has not been consummated due to impotency,
contravention of the valid consent mental illness condition or any
other condition specified in sec 5 of Hindu Marriage Act, or
respondent was pregnant at the time of marriage.

13. Conflicts

14. Common reasons for marriage conflict /failure
● Financial issues: Dealing with financial problem can have a
negative or positive effect on your marriage
● Selfishness: It is the most destructive element that involves
control, manipulation, possessiveness, demands and abuses in
order to get one’s ways. It lacks consideration and respect for
the other party. In fact, it hinders with fairness in the distribution
of work and responsibility

15. Common reasons for marriage conflict /failure
● Disrespectful judgements: marriage needs acceptance,
admiration, appreciation and emotional safety. It is disrespect to
try to change thinking of spouse by lecture, ridicule, threats,
brainwashing or negative aspirations
● Outrage: It creates more anger or withdrawals. Unbridled and
unpredictable tempers interfere with emotional safety

16. ● Lack of affection and sexual fulfilment: when needs for sex
and affection are not met, problems mushroom. Without
affectionate gestures and words, love seems hollow and not as
believable. People do not marry to get a roommate
● Leading separate lives: relationship also suffers when a
couple doesn’t mesh lives through shared activities
● Lack of emotional intimacy: Sharing one’s feelings, hurt, joy,
emotional details one’s life leads to loneliness sadness
Common reasons for marriage conflict /failure

17. Communicate

18. ● Communication skills: Marriage needs to be a place of safety,
a safe haven, a place of love, not a war zone. Always being
‘right’, being ‘rigid’, judgemental, easily angered or flooded with
emotions, disrupts communication even before problem is
resolved.
● Destructive habits and addiction: Addictions have great
power to be placed in front of needs and happiness of your
partner. Betrayal, hurt, anger, and pain follow in the wake of
addictive behaviour.
Common reasons for marriage conflict /fail

19. Don’t
be
this
person.

20. ● Dishonesty: Basic trust and respect underline love and form
the basis of relationship. Lies, deceit, disloyalty or emotional
dishonesty about thoughts or feelings destroy trust and respect.
Marriage is a partnership between equals, not a parent-child
relationship.
● In-laws: These set of people wield powerful influence. The
inputs and advice of these powerful few, if not handled properly,
could mar your marriage.
Common reasons for marriage conflict /fail

21. ● Unmet expectations: Most of the times marriage is opposite to
what we expect it to be. We romanticize marriage and become
illusioned but once these expectations are not met, we start
breeding discontent and frustration, leading to resentment.
● Friends: External influence is an easy way for conflicts to to
develop. Couples should watch how much space they can
accommodate and give to a third party.
Common reasons for marriage conflict /fail

22. ● To know, introspect, accept and adjust of your differences.
● Defeating selfishness.
● Pursuing with the other person to realise the facts. Living
peacefully means pursuing peace. It means taking the initiative
to resolve a difficult situation and cause to end, rather than
waiting for the other person to take the first step.
Resolving conflict in a marriage requires

23. ● An impartial & loving dialogue.
● Confronting your spouse with grace and factfulness requires
wisdom, patience, and humility.
● Check your motivation:
○ Do your words help or hurt?
○ Does it lead to healing, wholeness and oneness OR further
isolation?
Resolving conflict in a marriage requires
Few tips:

24. Attitude matters

25. ● Check your attitude. Loving confrontation says “I care about
you. I respect you and want you to respect me.” Approach your
spouse lovingly.
● Check the circumstances. This includes timings, location and
setting. Never confront your spouse, e.g. when he/she is tired
from a hard day at work or in the presence of children. Never
make fun of or argue with your spouse in public.
Tips to resolving conflict

26. ● Be sensitive towards where your spouse is coming from.
What’s the context of your spouse at the moment.
● Listen to your spouse. Try to understand his or her point of
view, and feel free to clarify.
● Be sure you are ready to take it as dished out. You may start to
give your spouse “friendly advice” and soon learn that what you
are saying is not really their problem, but yours!
Tips to resolving conflict

27. ● During the discussion stick to one point at a time. Don’t take
up several issues and let your spouse have them all at once.
● Focus on the problem, rather than the person.
● Focus on facts rather than judging motives. If your spouse
forgets to make an important call, deal with the consequences
of what you both have to do next rather than charging or
accusing. This doesn’t help: “You are so careless. You just
irritate me”.
Tips to resolving conflict

28. ● Resolving conflict requires forgiveness: Key to maintaining an
open, intimate and happy marriage is to ask for and grant
forgiveness quickly. And the ability to do that is tied to each
individual’s relationship with God.
● Returning a blessing for an insult: for one who desires life,
love, and to see good days, she/he must turn away from evil
and do good. Must seek peace and pursue it.
Tips to resolving conflict

29. You vs I
You and I

30. Focus on your behaviour rather than character. This is the
“you” message versus the “I” message again.
You can assassinate your spouse‘s character and stab him/her right
in the heart with “you” messages like: you are always late, you don’t
care about me at all. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
I message would say: “I feel frustrated when you don’t tell me you’ll be
late. I would appreciate if you would call so we can make other plans.”
Tips to resolving conflict

31. ● Above all, focus on understanding your spouse rather than who
is winning or losing. When your spouse confronts you, listen
carefully to what he/she says.
For example, it may be that your partner is upset about
something that happened at work and you’re getting nothing
more than the brunt of that pressure.
Tips to resolving conflict

32. Thank you.
For consultation, you can reach me at: mail@pratima.me

33. A happy couple
makes happy family,
creates a healthy
society.
Wish you a happy
married life.