women and me are the two wings of the bird of Baha'i marriage. They have different functions and roles but equal in their right to lift up the bird in its spiritual flight.
1. Review of research & the Bahá'í Writings
on Conditions that Guarantee Marital
Success
by Keyvan Geula MFCC
Preparation for a Bahá'í
Marriage
2.
3. The American Family Today is in
Grave Condition
No common script for family life.
• Radical self-autonomy is now our defining
virtue
• “Of all the social problems facing American
civilization,
– the decline of marriage and breakup of the
family is unquestionably our most pressing
problem.” (Glen T. Stanton Why Marriage Matters, p. 18)
4. Current Statistics About Marriage in
US is Alarming
US has the highest divorce and marriage rates
– Roughly 2.4 million couples marry each year
– Roughly 1.2 million couples divorce each year
– Over 50% of married couples divorce
– About ½ of all marriages involve people where one or both
have been married before
– The average length of marriage is 6 years
– More than one million children are affected by divorce
each year
– 2nd marriages fail at a greater rate
– The rate of divorce among US Bahá'ís is over 50%
5. What worries researchers
• What worries researchers who study family
structures is the growing trend of couples
choosing to live together outside of marriage
while raising children.
• Divorce and out-of-wedlock birth rates leveled off
years ago, but families in which parents cohabit
are on a steady climb.
• More than 40% of all live-in households in 2000
included a child under 18, up from 21% in
1987, according to the latest U.S. Census figures.
USA Today Oct 20, 03
6. Bahá'í Teachings Require a New Level
of Maturity
Prophets of God “establish a new religion
and make new creatures of men;
– They change the general morals,
– promote new customs and rules,
– renew the cycle and the Law.”
(`Abdu'l-Baha: Some Answered Questions, Page: 165)
7. Science and Religion are Intertwined
• These are the two wings with which
humanity must fly (‘Abdu’l-Bahá: ‘Abdu’l-Bahá in London 28)
• Every religion which does not concern itself
with Science is a mere tradition, and that is
not the essential…
• …Therefore science, education and
civilization are most important necessities
for the full religious life
• (‘Abdu’l-Bahá: ‘Abdu’l-Bahá in London 29)
8. Causes of rising rate of
depression worldwide
• “Growing parental indifference to
children’s needs as they grow up.
• Early emotional stressors may affect neuron
development, which can lead to a
depression when you are under great stress
even decades later”
• Dr. David Kupfer, chairman of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh
medical school. EI. P. 241
9. The most beautiful and profound
emotion
• The most beautiful and profound emotion we can
experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the
sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion
is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand
rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know that what is
impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as
the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty,
which our dull faculties can comprehend only in
their primitive form—this knowledge, this feeling, is
at the center of true religion. Albert Einstein quoted in the enlightened mind
an Anthology of Sacred Prose Edited by Stephen Mitchell p.191
10. The divine religions are the basis
of human happiness
• the Divine religions, the
holy precepts, the
heavenly teachings, are
the unassailable basis of
human happiness, and that
the peoples of the world
can hope for no real relief
or deliverance without this
one great remedy. (`Abdu'l-
Baha: Secret of Divine Civilization,
Page: 99)
• Research on the effect of
religion on life satisfaction
found that regardless of
what religion people
affiliated themselves with,
those who had strongly
held spiritual beliefs were
typically satisfied with
life, while those who had
no spiritual belief
typically were unsatisfied.
P. 44
11. Possible Pairs
ye are the stars in the skies of
God's compassion,
ye are the stones that put the
people of perdition to flight,
ye are clouds of divine pity over
the gardens of life,
Ye are the birds that soar upward
into the firmament of knowledge,
the royal falcons on the wrist of
God.
12. Possible pairs
who you pair
yourself with
Make five pairs out of these
10 different items. Use each
picture once and don’t leave
any picture out. Pair them so
that all five are the best
combinations based on
whatever similarities make
most sense to you. There is no
“correct” solution.
13. The Harmony of Science and
Religion
• Religion is relative and addresses:
– The purpose of our existence
– What is most and least important in one’s life
– The spiritual laws of cause and effect
• Science is relative and addresses:
– A hierarchy of complexity in the material world
– Unbiased method of inquiry
– Discovery of the material laws of cause and effect
14. Progressive Revelation of
Value & Virtue
• Religion defines the progressive laws that
govern virtue
• The first step towards love is to know the laws
that defines the bounds of virtue.
15. “The Soul who Obeys, Grows
Spiritually”
“the course may seem very hard, but one can witness,
again and again, that the soul who steadfastly obeys the
law of Baha'u'llah, however hard it may seem, grows
spiritually, while the one who compromises with the
law for the sake of his own apparent happiness is seen
to have been following a chimera: he does not attain
the happiness he sought, he retards his spiritual advance
and often brings new problems upon himself."
The Universal House of Justice
16. True religion brings into focus the
Real Picture, a change of spirit
• Focusing on the bigger picture to put our thoughts
and feelings into proper perspective.
– belief in life after death; Dr. Moody
• Seeing “the end at the beginning”
• Shifting from sight to insight
• Trusting in His justice and hanging to compassion.
• Let go of our bananas, wayward thoughts.
17. reactive or reflective
Comprehension
Attitudes
Assumptions
Evaluations
Predictions
Conclusions
Judgments
Impressions,
Ideas
Values
Reasons
Needs
Principles
Priorities
Rules
expectations
action or inaction
(Emotions)
(to be/ to do/ to have)
pure or impure motives
past
Behaviors
Activities
Promises
Achievements
Accomplishments
Statements
Now
Self
for/ from
Others
Us
Happy
Consecrated
Frustrated
Disappointed
Sad
Excited
Delighted
Angry
Uplifted
Puzzled
Motivated
Trapped
Empowered
Agitated
Desires
Dreams
Goals
Objectives
Wishes
wants
“…man should know his own self and
recognize that which leadeth unto loftiness or
lowliness, glory or abasement, wealth or
poverty.”
Baha’i Writings
Metacognition gives the developing minds of children
(and adults) the ability to perform a number of unique
processes: thinking about thinking itself; forming a
representation of ones own mind; becoming aware of
sensations, images, and beliefs about self; and reflecting
on the nature of emotion and perception. The Developing
Mind
18. Same House Different Faiths
(Clashes of Values)
• Divorce is three times more prevalent in interfaith families
with children than in same-faith households, according to
the first national statistical look at the issue.
The American Religious Identification Survey 2001
(ARIS) finds that of all U.S. adults who have had children
with someone of another faith, 10% are divorced,
compared with 3% for parents of the same faith.
USA TODAY Posted 12/4/2002 Same house, different faiths
By Cathy Lynn Grossman
19. Soul Mate Question
• Some people believe there is one special soul mate
somewhere in the universe meant just for them. But
others say that's romantic mumbo jumbo. A deep bond
develops only after years of working to make a
relationship last.
The soul mate theory is the stuff of movies and fairy
tales, as well as fodder for researchers who study love
for a living. But many marital therapists tend to believe
the opposite, pitching their tents in the ''work
it out'' camp.
SEARCH FOR A SOUL MATE USA TODAY May 29, 2003
20. Plato And Soul Mate
• The idea of a soul mate is often credited to the
philosopher Plato, who said
a perfect human was tragically split apart and we
are destined to spend our lives trying to find our
missing other.
• The concept has been gaining steam
for the past couple of years, ever since a Gallup
Poll found that most young adults believe in soul
mates.
SEARCH FOR A SOUL MATE
USA TODAY
May 29, 2003
21. Soul Mate and Cotton Candy
• But the idea of soul mates draws stinging reviews
from many who monitor the future of marriage.
Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman, author of
Grow Up!,
says it sounds like ''magic. It is an irresponsible
effort at bypassing the hard work, the negotiation,
battles and experiences of being together. The idea
is like cotton candy. It is something that goes
down easily without having to chew it.''
SEARCH FOR A SOUL MATE
USA TODAY
May 29, 2003
22. The Overrated Role of
Romantic Love in Marital
Happiness
• Romantic love is idealized, emotional, passionate,
and melodramatic.
• People from other cultures may see it as bizarre,
frivolous, or plain temporary but…
– Western culture takes romantic love very seriously
• Considered the most legitimate reason for living
together, marriage, or divorce in the West
Romantic love thrives on two beliefs-
• Love at first sight and fate
– According to experts “love at first sight” overtakes
people who are lonely and starved for physical
affection..
23. The Meaning of
Husband and Wife
• Know thou, verily, the husband is one who hath
sincerely turned unto God, is awakened by the call of
the Beauty of El-Baha and chanteth the verses of
Oneness in the great assemblies;
• the wife is a being who wisheth to be overflowing with
and seeketh after the attributes of God and His names;
and the tie between them is none other than the Word
of God.
• Verily, it [the Word of God] causeth the multitudes to
assemble together and the remote ones to be united.
– (Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v3, p. 605)
24. Physical & Spiritual
Bonds
• The true marriage of Bahá’ís is this,
– That husband and wife should be united both physically and
spiritually,
– That they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other,
– And may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of
God. This is Bahá’í marriage.” ‘Abdu’l-Bahá , SWA p.118
• “… spiritual and physical association of thoughts and
conceptions of life must exist between them, so that in all
the grades of existence and all the worlds of God this
union may continue forever and ever for this real union is
a splendor of the light of the love of God.” (Baha'i World Faith,
page 373)
25. Baha’i Faith and the Question
of Soul Mate
• 'Abdu'l-Bahá once wrote concerning a
believer who had married a non-believer, or
was about to marry:
• "This marriage is permissible, but Miss --
must exert herself day and night so that she
may guide her husband. She must not rest
until she makes him her spiritual as well as
physical partner in life."
(Howard Colby Ives, Portals to Freedom, p. 109)
26. Marriage Is a
Social and Moral Act
–Marriage is thus, according to the
Bahá'í Teachings, primarily a social
and moral act.
–It has a purpose which transcends the
immediate personal needs and
interests of the parties...." (From a letter written on
behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, October 14, 1935) (Multiple Authors: Lights
of Guidance, Page: 346)
27. The Command of Marriage
is…
• A divine creation
• Eternal
• Unchangeable
• “Regarding the question of matrimony: Know thou that
the command of marriage is eternal. It will never be
changed nor altered.
• This is divine creation and there is not the slightest
possibility that change or alteration affect this divine
creation (marriage).” ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá , vol II, p. 474
28. The Purpose of Bahá'í
Marriage
• Promote unity
• Create spiritual beings
– Baha'u'llah has stated that the purpose of marriage is to
promote unity. (Shoghi Effendi: Family Life, Page: 411)
• “…the fundamental purpose of
marriage is to bring other souls
into this world, to serve God and
love Him.' Lights of Guidance, Page: 346)
• the procreation of children is not the only
purpose of marriage( Lights of Guidance, Page: 380)
29. The Very Purpose of
Bahá'í Marriage
• Transcends personal needs
• Is the procreation of Bahá'í children
• Is primarily a social and moral act
– Baha'u'llah explicitly reveals in His Book of Laws that the very
purpose of marriage is the procreation of children who,
• when grown up, will be able to know God and
• to recognize and observe His Commandments and Laws as
revealed through His Messengers.
– Marriage is thus, according to the Bahá'í Teachings,
primarily a social and moral act.
– It has a purpose which transcends the immediate personal
needs and interests of the parties...." (From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an
individual believer, October 14, 1935) (Multiple Authors: Lights of Guidance, Page: 346)
30. Beyond Physical, Intellectual and
Spiritual; the Next Generation
• The key purpose of Bahá'í marriage --
beyond physical, intellectual and spiritual
companionship -- is children.
• Bahá'ís view child-rearing not only as a
source of great joy and reward, but as a
sacred obligation.
(Baha'i International Community, 1992, Magazine - The Baha'is)
31. Claiming the Real Birthright?
•“As for the spiritual perfections, they are
man’s birthright and belong to him alone of
all creation.
•Man is, in reality, a spiritual being, and
only when he lives in the spirit is he truly
happy.
•This spiritual longing and perception
belongs to all men alike.”
• (‘Abdul-Bahá: Paris Talks 72)
32. A Single Soul, Two Helpmates,
Two Intimate Friends
• The union must be a true relationship,
• A spiritual coming together
• As well as a physical one
So that throughout every phase of life, and in all the worlds of
God, their union will endure; for this real oneness is a
gleaming out of the love of God. SWA pp.117-118
• The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man
– To abide with each other in the closest companionship,
– To be even as a single soul
– They are two helpmates
– Two intimate friends
– Who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.SWA p. 122
33. The Bahá'í Response to the Present Trends
• The present trend in modern society and its
conflict with our challenging principles of moral
conduct, far from influencing the believers to
compromise their resolve to adhere undeviatingly
to the standards of purity and chastity set forth for
them by their Faith,
– must stimulate them to discharge their sacred
obligations with determination and thus
combat the evil forces undermining the
foundations of individual morality." (From a letter of the Universal
House of Justice to two individual believers, May 22, 1966) L of G, P. 364)
34. Handling Social Pressures?
"...The Bahá'í youth should,
– on the one hand, be taught the lesson of self-control
which, when exercised, undoubtedly has a salutary
effect on the development of character and of
personality in general,
– and on the other should be advised, nay even
encouraged, to contract marriage while still young and
in full possession of their physical vigour. Economic
factors, no doubt, are often a serious hindrance to early
marriage but in most cases are only an excuse, and as
such should not be over stressed." (From a letter written on behalf of the Guardian to an
individual believer, December 13, 1940: Messages from the Universal House of Justice, 1968-73, p. 109)
35. Why Prepare for Marriage?
• Marriage is probably the most important
decision we will ever make.
• It is a very risky decision: 50% divorce rate in
the US.
• Marriage preparation can increase marital
happiness and reduce the risk of divorce.
– “Exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly
acquainted with the character of the other, that the
binding covenant between them be a tie that will
endure forever.” Abdu’l-Baha
36. Proper Marriage Preparation
Makes a Difference
• Yes, New studies are showing that preparing for marriage by
learning particular skills--either before or within the first few
years of marriage makes a difference.
• The research suggests long-term benefits are likely if you
learn to use more advanced communication and conflict
resolution skills at the BEGINNING of your marriage.
• It makes a difference when we take time and develop "healthy
relationship habits" that will become the
foundation for lifelong marital happiness.
37. Adherence to Baha'i Laws Before
Marriage, Effects Marital Happiness
• "The Bahá'í youth should study the teachings on
chastity and, with these in mind,
– should avoid any behaviour which would arouse passions
which would tempt them to violate them.(L of G, P: 362)
• "If Bahá'í youth combine such personal purity with an
attitude of uncensorious forbearance towards others
– they will find that those who may have criticized or even
mocked them will come, in time, to respect them.
– They will, moreover, be laying a firm foundation for future
married happiness." (From a letter of the Universal House of Justice to a Local Spiritual Assembly, July 9, 1973) (L of G, P: 362)
38. The Qualifications of a
true Bahá’í Marital
Relation
• “Marriage, among the mass of the people, is a physical bond, and
this union can only be temporary…
• “Among the people of Bahá, however, marriage must be a union of
the body and of the spirit as well,
– For here both husband and wife are aglow with the same wine,
– Both are enamoured of the same matchless Face,
– Both live and move through the same spirit,
– Both are illumined by the same glory.
– This connection between them is a spiritual one, hence it is a bond that will
abide forever.
• Likewise do they enjoy strong and lasting ties in the physical world
as well,
– for if the marriage is based both on the spirit and the body, that union is a
true one, hence it will endure.
39. Who are you and what do you want?
• Keep your eyes on the light house, the North Star
• “…we must reach a spiritual plane where God comes first
and great human passions are unable to turn us away from
Him.
• Be principle centered
• All the time we see people who either through the force of hate or the
passionate attachment they have to another person, sacrifice principle or
bar themselves from the Path of God…
• In order to love you must know and love God
• We must love God, and in this state, a general love for all becomes
possible. Shoghi Effendi, Bahá’í Marriage and Family Life p. 19
• Study the life of the soul to make sense of your physical life and
its ups and downs in the proper perspective.
40. Learn and choose
to Produce Harmony
• Endeavor ye as much as possible that differences may not arise in
the affairs; (regulate conflict)
• let not every insignificant matter become the cause of
disagreement.
• If such conditions exist the end will be complete dispersion.
• The believers and maid-servants of the Merciful must all
consider (will) how to produce harmony (action), (soft start up,
accept influence)
• so that the unity of the human world may be realized, not that
every wholly unimportant subject become conducive to
differences of opinion.
(`Abdu'l-Baha: Baha'i World Faith*, Page: 411)
41.
42. 7th Most Frequently Cited
Reason for Divorce
• In a statewide survey conducted by
Oklahoma State University divorced
women were asked to identify major factors
contributing to their divorces.
• The survey report shows that women
respondents gave domestic violence as the
7th most frequently cited reason.
43. Principle of the Oneness of Humanity
has zero tolerance for abuse
• Is the pivot of Baha'i Teachings and it
• Introduces a fundamental change in the manner in
which people should relate to each other.
• Calls for eradication of traditional values of the past
that deny the intrinsic human right of each soul
• Forbids arbitrary approach to individual rights.
• Forbids use of force to impose one’s will on others.
• Condemns violence, force, constraints and oppression
towards others for any reason.
• Has zero tolerance for abuse of any one in the family
44. Love and friendship is far more
important than passion for
marriage
• Find a suitable companion with whom you can
– be truly happy and
– Be united in the service of the Faith
• That two people should live their lives in love and
harmony is of far greater importance than that they
should be consumed with passion for each other
– The one is a great rock of strength on which to lean in
time of need;
– The other a purely temporary thing which may at any
time die out.” LG p. 378-379 # 1268
45. Wife’s favorite flower!
• While attending a marriage seminar on
communication, David and his wife listened to the
instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's
favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
48. Daily Habits to increase emotional and
spiritual intelligence
• Daily prayer and meditation help us become spiritual,
• Increase our awareness and
• Protect us from tests
– “through worship man becometh spiritual,
• his heart is attracted,
• his soul and inner being attain such tenderness and exhilaration
• that the obligatory prayer instilleth new life in him.” ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, the
importance of Obligatory Prayer and Fasting p. 15
– “…obligatory prayer and fasting produce awareness
• and awakening in man, and
• are conducive to his protection and preservation from tests.” ‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
the importance of Obligatory Prayer and Fasting p. 15
– “Verily, I say, fasting is the supreme remedy and the most great healing for
the disease of self and passion.” Bahá’u’lláh, The importance of Obligatory Prayer and Fasting p. 8
49. The Difference IS,
The Baha’i View Of Life
• To many life is a struggle (adversarial) to
overcome one obstacle after another to
achieve eventual happiness
• The Bahá'í view of life is taking advantage of
an on going opportunities (Grace) of learning,
growth and creativity towards human spiritual
perfection and everlasting happiness.
50. Show forbearance and
benevolence and love to
one another. Should any
one among you be
incapable of grasping a
certain truth, or be striving
to comprehend it, show
forth, when conversing
with him, a spirit of
extreme kindliness and
good-will. Help him to see
and recognize the truth,
without esteeming yourself
to be, in the least, superior
to him, or to be possessed
of greater endowments.
Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u’llah
p.8-9
51. The retina of outer vision, though
sensitive and delicate, may,
nevertheless, be a hindrance to
the inner eye which alone can
perceive.
(`Abdu'l-Baha: Promulgation of Universal Peace*, Page: 90)
The sense of sight in man is a
physical virtue; but insight, the
power of inner perception, is
ideal in its nature. (`Abdu'l-Baha: Promulgation
of Universal Peace*, Page: 325)
As for spiritual perfections they
are man’s birthright and belong
to him alone of all creation. Man
is, in reality, a spiritual being, and
only when he lives in the spirit is
he truly happy. This spiritual
longing and perception belongs
to all men alike…” Paris Talks p. 72
The sight and insight
52. Basic Personal Characteristics to
Look for in a Partner
The key to a happy marriage isn’t having a “normal”
personality but finding someone with whom you mesh.
J.M.Gottman
• A variety of studies show that successful couples are
able to
– Be independent and emotionally mature
– Love each other as well as themselves
– Enjoy being alone as well as together
– Be established in their work or occupation
– Know themselves and each other
– Express their feelings, ideas and wishes with care and
consideration for their mutual growth.
53. Equality VS Sameness
While stating firmly that women must
enjoy full equality with men, Bahá'u'lláh's
teachings also recognize explicitly the innate
differences between the feminine and
masculine
natures -- both physical and emotional.
(Baha'i International Community, 1992, Magazine - The Baha'is)
54. Principle of Equality of Sexes calls for
changes in traditional family values
• The application of this principle gives rise
to changes in habits and practices which
have prevailed for many centuries
• An example of this is permission by the
Guardian to women to issue a marriage
proposal
• In recent years The House encourages more
active participation by women
56. Knowledge, Volition, Action:
• “The attainment of any object is conditioned upon,
knowledge, volition, and action. Unless these
three conditions are forthcoming,t here is no
execution or accomplishment.”
• ‘Abdu'l-Bahá, Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 157
• “Man reaches perfection through good deeds,
voluntarily performed, not through good deeds the
doing of which was forced upon him.”
• ‘Abdu'l-Bahá, Selections…, p. 115
57. Choice as a Fundamental Right
• Man reacheth perfection through good deeds,
voluntarily performed, not through good deeds
the doing of which was forced upon him.
(`Abdu'l-Baha: Selections ... `Abdu'l-Baha, Page: 115)
• the harvest of force is turmoil and the ruin of
the social order.
58. Consultation and coercion
don’t mix
• Consultation is ordained by Baha’u’llah to reach
agreement in all areas of mutual decision making.
• It requires all participants to express their opinions
with absolute freedom and without apprehension
that they will be censured or their views belittled;
• these prerequisites for success are unattainable if
the fear of violence or abuse is present.
(Letters of The Universal House of Justice, 1992, Violence and Sexual Abuse of Women and Children)
59. Rule of Force Declared A
Transgression
• For a man to use force to impose his will on a woman is
a serious transgression of the Baha'i Teachings.
• The world in the past has been ruled by force, and man
has dominated over woman by reason of his more
forceful and aggressive qualities both of body and
mind.
• But the balance is already shifting; force is losing its
dominance, and mental alertness, intuition, and the
spiritual qualities of love and service, in which woman
is strong, are gaining ascendancy.
60. Bahá'í Family Rights
• Violence in the family is contrary to the spirit of the
Faith and a practice to be condemned.
• It is clear that no husband should subject his wife to
abuse of any kind, whether emotional, mental, or
physical.
• Such a reprehensible action would be the very
antithesis of the relationship of mutual respect and
equality enjoined by the Bahá'í Writings– a relationship
governed by the principle of consultation and devoid of
the use of any form of abuse, including force, to
compel obedience to one’s will.
61. Happy Couple’s work to have
• Good communication skills
• A balance between independence and
interdependence
• Satisfying sex life
• An organized home
• Team work on marriage relations
• Sharing household chores
• Good parenting skills and parent child relations
• Good relations with extended family and in-laws
• Shared believes, values , and life goals
62. Happy Couple’s work to have
• Similar ideas about how to have fun and enjoy life
• Loving friendship
• No cause for jealousy
• A helping attitude in reducing stress
• Respect for each other
• A feeling of being loved
• A liking for what they are in the marriage
• Admiration for each other
• Confident in solving problems together
• Feeling of security in their relations
63. Happy Couple’s work to have
• Good relations with their in-laws
• Shared views about basic religious believes and
values
• Agreement on children related issues
• Similar views about money
• Good daily stress management routines
• A great deal of fun in life
• Good understanding of each other's needs and
wants
• Give each other the necessary space for individual
growth and expression
64. Happy Couple’s work to have
• A sense of hope for their future
• An appreciation for the oneness of all humanity
• A sense of shared purpose and meaning, an
appreciation for their spiritual legacy
• A sense of adventure and awe in dealing with the
unknown
• A trust in an all knowing and all loving creator
65. That our thoughts,
our views, our
feelings may become
as one reality
manifesting the spirit
of union throughout
the worlds.”
Baha’i prayers
66. Problem solving training
• This means a host of skills in:
communicating problems without blaming
and pejoratives,
• giving appreciations,
• stating one’s needs clearly
• Compromising
• Negotiating agreements
67. Math and Divorce Prediction (1)
• For example, jokes, a positive tone of voice,
smiles and affectionate gestures all resulted in
positive scores.
• Bad signals such as rolling of the eyes,
criticism, mocking and coldness led to a
negative score.
• A contentious topic such as sex, child-rearing or
money was chosen and the couple's ability to
communicate was marked using a scale that
gave positive
68. Predicting divorce
• The formulae were calculated during a 10-year
study of 700 couples from King County, Seattle,
conducted by Prof Murray and his colleague John
Gottman, a psychologist.
The experiment, which began in the early
Nineties, involved all the couples
being observed during a 15-minute conversation
when they were just married.
LONDON, Aug 8 (Reuters)
69. Math & Divorce Prediction (2)
• "We used an accepted psychological
scoring system to award them points, such
as minus three for scorn and plus two for
humour,"
Prof Murray, the author of Mathematics for Marriage.
LONDON, Aug 8 (Reuters)
70. Meaning well Doesn’t Guarantee
Doing Well
• The laws of God helps us sort out right from
wrong and translate good intentions into
appropriate action.
• (knowledge, volition, action)
• The latest divine principles is our north star
• The friendship of a bear: a love that kills
71. Criticism is a Violation of
Divine Law
• The ignorant must not be restricted by censure and
criticism. We must look for the real, true remedy.
(Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 40)
• "Breathe not the sins of others so long as thou art thyself a
sinner. Shouldst thou transgress this command, accursed
wouldst thou be, and to this I bear witness.“ Arabic HW #27
• Unfortunately, not, only average people, but average
Bahá'ís, are very immature; gossip, trouble-making,
criticism, seem easier than the putting into practice of love,
constructive words and cooperation. (Compilations,
Lights of Guidance, p. 90)
72. Gottman’s Bottom Line in Helping
Ailing Marriage Recover
• Behavior Exchange; increase of caring and loving
gestures. (See no evil hear no evil)
– Unhappily married couple’s underestimated positivity by
50%
• Problem solving training.
• Insight into dysfunction
– How past unresolved relationship issues are affecting the
marriage
• Emotionally focused, all emotions acceptable
• Stress management P. 56
73. Dating Is a Fairly Recent Concept
• A new term which began at the turn of 20th
century
• Referred to a couple setting a specific date, time,
and place to meet
• Dating took a giant step as a result of widespread
use of automobiles (drive-in movies) in the early
1920s.
• Young people had the mobility to meet more
frequently, informally and casually
74. Dating is not a Universally accepted
Cultural Norm
• Most countries do not have the “open” courtship
system common in Western nations and even
consider it immoral
• Marriage in Islamic and Asian societies is
basically a family rather than an individual affair
– Both sons and daughters (including those living in the
US) are raised to expect arranged marriages
• Islamic societies forbid dating and “other illicit
meetings of the sexes”
75. Some Functions of Dating
Dating has manifest or latent functions which could
overlap
Manifest functions include:
Recreation
Companionship
Fun
Mate selection
Latent functions include:
Socialization
Social status
Sexual experimentation
Meeting intimacy needs
Meeting ego needs
76. What Research Says About
Cohabitation
• In Sweden 99% and in Denmark 80% of married couples live
together before marriage
• Cohabitation does not decrease divorce
• Marriages that follow cohabitation have a higher dissolution
rate than do marriages that begin without cohabitation. Marriages
&families p. 242
• A Swedish survey found that among women who cohabited
before marriage, divorce rates were almost 80% higher than
those who had not cohabited
• Cohabitants show weaker commitment to the institution of
marriage. Marriages and Families…P. 243
• Cohabiting arrangements exploit women economically. Marriages
&families p. 242
77. A Brief Look at
Sexual Revolution
The American sexual revolution started in the closing
days of the nineteenth century.
– as our nation entered the twentieth century, it was “sex
O’clock in America.” St. Louis Mirror editor William Marion Reedy
– America had “become obsessed with the subject of sex.”
William E. Leuchtenburg in the Perils of Prosperity: 1914-32
• This new ethos manifested itself in a number of ways.
78. The Exaggerated Importance of Sex in
the Western Culture
• The false notion that most Americans have unhappy sex lives
has become big business
– Society has become so obsessed with this subject that sex manuals are
constantly on the best-seller lists and most of them are exaggerated
commercials
• Even young married couples report that companionship is
often more important than sexual passion
• The determining factor in whether men as well as women feel
satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage
is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. J.M.
Gottman The seven Principles for making Marriage Work p. 17
79. Sexual Satisfaction in Marriage, is a
Well Kept Secret
• The data shows that having a spouse as an exclusive sex
partner is associated with
– the highest reported feelings of sex, making the respondents feel
“satisfied,” “loved,” “thrilled,” ‘wanted,” and “taken care of.”
– Overwhelming majority of women ranked "love, affection and
hugs“ above sexual performance.
• The faithfully married were also least likely to report sex
making them feel
– “sad,” “anxious or worried,” “scared or afraid,” or “guilty.”Why Marriage
matters p. 42
80. The Question of Chastity
• Chastity in no way implies withdrawal from
human relationships. It liberates people from the
tyranny of the ubiquity of sex. A person who is in
control of his sexual impulses is enabled to have
profound and enduring friendships with many
people, both men and women, without ever
sullying that unique and priceless bond that should
unite man and wife.
(On behalf of the Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 50)
81.
82. Bahá'í Conception of Sex Is Centered
on Marital Happiness
• “Briefly stated the Bahá'í conception of sex is based
on the belief that
• chastity should be strictly practiced by both sexes,
– not only because it is in itself highly
commendable ethically,
– but also due to its being the only way to a happy
and successful marital life.” (Shoghi Effendi: A Chaste and Holy Life, Page: 56)
• the whole matter of sex and the problems related to it
have assumed far too great an importance in the thinking
of present-day society. (L of G, P: 365)
• The purpose of exercise is becoming healthy not
just loosing weight
83. Regulation Vs Suppression
• Concerning the positive aspects of chastity
the Universal House of Justice states that
the Bahá'í Faith recognizes the value of the
sex impulse and holds that the institution of
marriage has been established as the
channel of its rightful expression. Bahá'ís do
not believe that the sex impulse should be
suppressed but that it should be regulated
and controlled.
84. Stand up And Be Counted
• Acknowledging and strengthening our Bahá’í
identity helps us in handling tests
– “Even though you feel that the conflict between
sensuality and spirituality is more than you can bear,
your affirmation- ‘I do know I am a Bahá’í ‘ is a
positive factor in the battle you must wage.” from a letter
written on behalf of the Universal
85. The Unique Balance of Power in
Bahá’í Marriage and Courtship
• “As to the question regarding marriage under
the Law of God:
– First thou must choose one who is pleasing to thee,
– And then the matter is subject to the consent of father
and mother.
• Before thou makest thy choice, they have no right
to interfere.” ‘Abdu’l-Bahá , SWA, p. 118
86. The limits of the Roles, Rights and
Responsibilities of Parents
• Knowing the character of the two parties
– Bahá'í law places the responsibility for ascertaining
knowledge of the character of those entering into
marriage contract on
• the two parties involved and
• on the parents,
–who must give consent to the
marriage.”LG p. 368 #1231
87. Children’s Responsibility Towards
the Law of Consent
To understand that
– “…This is a law of great importance affecting the very
foundations of human society.” LG p. 369 # 1236
– “…the consent of parents should be obtained before the
marriage is sanctioned and that undoubtedly has great
wisdom.” LG p. 368 #1233
“the parent’s decision is binding, whatever the reason
that may have motivated it.”
– “…this act of consenting is the duty of a parent.”
– “they (Children) must have respect in their hearts for those
who have given them life, and whose good pleasure they
must at all times strive to win.” LG p. 370-371# 1237
88. The Law of Consent &Parental
Responsibility
• Bahá’u’lláh ‘s statement that the consent of all
living parents is required for marriage places a
grave responsibility on each parent…”.
They cannot evade this responsibility by
merely acquiescing in their child’s wish,
nor should they be swayed by prejudice.
LG p. 369 #1237
• “…in discharging this duty they are responsible
for their decision to God.”LG p. 375
90. Gottman’s Sound marital House
Theory
• Love maps
• Fondness and admiration
• Turning towards versus away
• Positive sentiment override
• Regulation of conflict
• Supporting one another’s dreams
• Creating shared meaning
