The first of a two-part episode, Phil Collins gets his name out, then wished he hadn't.

1. THE ART OF ACTING OUT: "Phill Collins Goes Public"
By
Gregory D. Aronoff
greg.aronoff@gmail.com

2. EXT. FIELD - NIGHT
On a desolate field a GIRL wearing a sweater over her
shoulders walks with a BASEBALL PLAYER still in uniform.
GIRL
Don’t be so prude. Lemme see it.
BASEBALL PLAYER
I, I’ve never showed anyone before.
They share a look. Reluctantly he glances both ways before
reaching into his pants and... pulls out a small oil can.
BASEBALL PLAYER
My Balls Deep Glove Oil. I never
play a game without it.
She rolls her eyes like - that’s not what I meant.
BASEBALL PLAYER
It’s my secret weapon for...
Then the girl FUCKING JUDO CHOPS him right in the throat!
He drops, she grabs the can and takes off like a banshee! As
she’s running, her hair starts to pull away from her scalp.
VOICE
CUT!
Lights CLICK on and we slowly realize we’re on a
THEATER STAGE
with a big-ass green screen behind us. JOSH HERMAN adjusts
his indie approved Kangol hat and speaks into his megaphone.
JOSH HERMAN
Can someone fix his wig?! We need
it to fly off when he’s running!
The PROP GIRL takes the wig from the Girl... and we see it’s
our hero PHILL COLLINS.
JOSH HERMAN
(to Phill)
Nice work, you.
PHILL
Thanks Mr. Herman.

3. 2.
JOSH HERMAN
Call me Josh.
Phill beams. He walks off stage and loosens his jacket,
revealing a jersey underneath. He nods to his manger, TONY,
then rolls his eyes like this is ridiculous.
The Prop Girl comes back and fits a new wig on Phill. They
go back on stage, but we stay with Tony.
TONY
(on phone)
Yeah, I can get him to do it, but,
Public Access? There has to be...
(listening)
Okay, if that’s how you wanna do
it... Good doin’ business with ya.
He hangs up and sees Phill laughing with what looks to be
another guy dressed like a TOMBOY-ish girl.
Phill goofs around with his ’falsies’. He feels his, then
feels Tomboy’s. Tomboy gives him a look like - really?
From afar, Josh glances over. Face instantly becoming red.
JOSH HERMAN
That’s... my ... girlfriend.
But Phill doesn’t hear. Instead, he grabs Tomboy’s hand to
feel his, while he feels hers.
Then Phill looks around - the entire place is just staring.
JOSH HERMAN
Stop groping my girlfriend!
FINALLY for the love of God Phill retracts his hand.
PHILL
I...
The words aren’t coming, so Phill fucking just runs off!
Josh Herman is quickly on his heels, wielding a c-stand!
PHILL (OS)
It’s just so - humiliating.
INT. ROOM - DAY
Phill, with a fake mustache, sun glasses and leather coat
looks like he’s definitely in hiding. Tony stands nearby.

4. 3.
PHILL
I get ’no’ after ’no’ for every
single part I really want. It’s
like I’ve become the Ed Wood of
actors.
TONY
You’re not that terrible. Oh, cause
the cross dressing thing, right.
PHIL
Exactly. Wait, what?
TONY
Better than bein’ the Polanski of
gropers.
PHILL
Does that make you the Tarantino of
inappropriate analogies?
TONY
Keep it up and I’ll be the Brett
Ratner of ruining your career.
PHILL
Well played. Now I can’t even be
the cool cross dressing guy... I
know I say this like every other
week, but Earl’s seriously gonna
stab me if I don’t have rent this
month.
Phill digs into his pocket and produces a note.
PHILL
Check this out.
TONY
(reading)
DVR season nine of One Tree Hill?
Phill embarrassingly flips it over.
CUE CREEPY MUSIC
We read along as we hear...
EARLY (V.O)
Phillis - I’m gonna stab you if you
don’t have rent this month.
Seriously.
Phill pockets the note.

5. 4.
PHILL
I found it on my pillow this
morning. Along with the knife. And
crumbs from a half-eaten sandwich.
That was mine - I like to eat in
bed when I watch OTH.
The creepy music MORPHS into a few bars of One Tree Hill’s
theme song by Gavin DeGraw - "I Don’t Want to Be".
TONY
Look kid, no one wants to hire a no
name no one knows. And no one knows
you. You got no name.
PHILL
So I’ll only get hired once people
know me, but I can’t get hired
because no one knows me?
TONY
Phill, I didn’t make it as a
manager just on my good looks. I
got a plan. Okay, you know what PR
is? It’s like advertising you don’t
gotta pay for. Now, I did my
research and...
Phill is staring off, clearly not listening.
TONY
You listening? You have the
attention span of a fart. Look,
this is important. There’s a famous
blogger named "Connie Wilkins" who
can get your name out to literally
a gazillion people.
PHILL
Nice! Lets talk to her right after.
TONY
No one knows who she is.
Phill’s shoulders slump and he rubs his temples.
TONY
But I know where to find her.
Kinda... She’s a huge fan of
Denver’s Public Access shows.

6. 5.
PHILL
The PA Where the lack of talent or
intelligence isn’t a barrier?
Phill looks up...
INT. JOEY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Phill and his best friend JOEY JAMISON each have a can of
beer and are staring at the TV, trying to hold in laughter.
ON THE TV is a husky fellow in front of a cooking table. A
do-it-yourself logo reads - "The DARYL STEVEN HOBBS Show".
It becomes obvious that Daryl Steven Hobbs is a bit "slow"
when he cuts a raw chicken, then chops lettuce and squishes
a tomato - all with the same knife and cutting board.
DARYL STEVEN HOBBS
(with speech impediment)
And this is how we make STINKY
PINKY! a yummy chicken salad.
Phill and Joey immediately chug at the Tourettes outburst.
BACK TO PRESENT
Phill has a very guilty look on his face.
TONY
Serious. We’ll get you on and you
can show the world who you are, and
the Blogger will do the rest.
Phill shrugs, like I guess.
WE PULL BACK and we’re in an Audition Room. The CASTING TEAM
isn’t paying attention to Phill, they’re too busy texting.
CASTING PERSON
(looking up)
Okay, thank you. Can you send in
Gregory McEntire.
PHILL
Wait, I didn’t even read yet.
The Casting Person sighs as Phill hands Tony his phone and
picks up his script.
We leave Phill and follow Tony out to
THE WAITING ROOM

7. 6.
Just then Phill’s phone rings.
ON THE PHONE, there’s a picture of the RANDOM GIRL we saw at
the end of Episode Six. Above her pic, the name "Celeste".
TONY
Hey Celeste, Phill isn’t in.
CELESTE (OS)
(disappointed)
Oh, okay.
TONY
He’ll be at this Public Access
event. It’d be nice if fans are
cheerin’ em. You should swing by.
CELESTE (OS)
Oh, that’d be swell! Thanks! Bye!
On the DIAL TONE, we’re
CLOSE ON CELESTE
As she hangs up. We PULL BACK and see a framed B&W photo of
Phill and Celeste laughing and being silly. It’s cute.
PULL BACK FURTHER
And we see...it’s actually an honest-to-God SHRINE to Phill!
Like an obsessed "laces-out" kind of shrine. Besides the
copious photos of Phill, she also has cut-outs that look
like Phill and Celeste are getting married.
We continue around the room and stop at a Halloween mask.
FRIENDLY VOICE
Phill’s new girlfriend Celeste
considers herself the
heart-on-her-sleeve romantic type.
EXT. EMPTY OLD URBAN STREET - NIGHT
Celeste fights tears as she rips a picture of herself with a
football player. As the pieces fall to the ground, we notice
they land near a scary-ass chainsaw.
When we pan up, Celeste slides the Halloween mask on and
peers around the corner as THREE HIGH SCHOOL GUYS with
lettermen jackets walk past.
Then she fires up that chainsaw and runs after them!

8. 7.
EXT. PUBLIC ACCESS BUILDING - DAY
Tony and Phill walk down the street, pass a "Public Access
Event" sign, and cross the street.
PHILL
You gotta be kidding! Tom Baker the
best Doctor?! He looks like a
Wolowitz - Horshack love child!
TONY
Classics are classics for a reason.
PHILL
What about...
They reach the sidewalk when a 70’s style mob guy named
LEFTY approaches.
TONY
Phill this is Lefty.
PHILL
Cool. I’d say I’m more of a
moderate voter myself.
Phill goes to shake his hand and realizes - Lefty is missing
his right arm.
PHILL
Right.
TONY
Phill you’ve come a long way...
Don’t {BLEEP} this up... I’m just
bustin your chops kid, you’ll be
great. You’ll finally have a name
people remember.
Cue Phill Collins RING TONE. Tony gets his phone out and
silences the ringer.
Tony smiles and pats Phill on the shoulder. It’s a sweet
moment.
TONY
But seriously, don’t {BEEP} this
up. I’ll see ya when it’s over.
Tony and Lefty shake (left) hands.

9. 8.
PHILL
Wait what? You just can’t leave me
here.
TONY
Don’t worry, you’re in good hands.
I’ll be back in a few.
Tony walks off leaving Phill with Lefty.
LEFTY
How you doin no-name? Don’t
interrupt. Phill before we go in,
Tony said you’d do us little favor.
Lefty wraps his good arm around Phill. Phill can’t take his
eyes off the missing limb.
PHILL
It feels weird.
LEFTY
You just gotta say a couple lines
to help out a family business.
Lefty hands him little fortune cookie sized notes.
Phill reads them and immediately shakes his head.
PHILL
This is for...
(whispering)
mobsters! I can’t read this!
LEFTY
(laughs)
Mobsters?! Phill this ain’t the
movies! It’s legit business. Tony’s
worked with us before.
cut to:
INT. THEATER - NIGHT
A curtain rises and Tony turns around to nod at TWO SLEAZY
GUYS with guns, turns back and wipes his brow.
BACK TO PRESENT
Lefty pats Phill on the back and forces him to keep walking.

10. 9.
PHILL
So, I have to go on the air, read
these AND somehow appear normal to
the mystery blogger who can make or
break my future?
Lefty just shrugs and starts for the door.
PHILL
Why Public Access?
LEFTY
This is how the um, business wants
to get the message out. Low key.
Straight to the people.
PHIL
What if I make it less mobster-y?
Lefty just walks ahead till they reach a door with a big
stand-up sign that reads: "Denver Public Access TV Reunion".
Phill and Lefty pull the double doors to
ENTER THE BUILDING
As our eyes adjust, it becomes apparent - they just entered
the goddamn Mos Eisley Cantina!
But instead of strange and bizarre creatures - there’s
strange and bizarre Public Access characters. Phill and
Lefty take in the scene.
Lefty leaves Phill who’s still looking around.
Then Phill shares a look with a ROBOT COSTUME. Robot walks
off as Phill continues to stare.
Phill sees Lefty talking to a GUY IN CAPE and the BURLY PA.
Phill takes a few steps and stops at a ’bar’ area...
Just then a backwoods ROADKILL EXPERT bumps into Phill,
spilling his Natural Ice.
ROADKILL EXPERT
(angry gibberish)
Beers and tears messin wit mah
peepers pill coollin in da blood!
Cow patty in the shade!
SUBTITLES: Oh my gosh I can’t believe my eyes, it’s Phill
Collins in the flesh! I’m your biggest fan!

11. 10.
Phill holds his nose and turns his back on the man. But he’s
suddenly turned back around by REDNECK SURVIVALIST.
REDNECK SURVIVALIST
He don’t like you much.
PHILL
So, you’ve seen my work? I don’t
really care for it myself either.
REDNECK SURVIVALIST
No boy, we don’t like your face!
ROADKILL EXPERT
Wishes are dippin and marsh met!
Bacon on pills!
SUBTITLES: Quit screwin around, I never said that! I love
Phill!
Phill turns back around.
PHILL
I’ll be careful.
Redneck Survivalist begins to unsheathe a hunting knife.
Lefty sees what’s happening - but he’s too far...
In one swift blow....
Fifteen year-old KENNY the "Jewish Jedi" has disarmed
Survivalist with a swing of his toy lightsaber! We see a
prosthetic arm holding the knife lying on the ground.
Lefty quickly moves Phill away from the fracas and points.
LEFTY
Joan Laden, she’s got a show that
might suit our needs.
Through the crowd, we see a familiar face - JOAN LADEN or as
we know her - the Crazy Makeup Lady..
As Phill and Lefty get closer, Phill sees Joan talking to
his dream crush JENNIFER. Phill sighs with a dopey grin.
Lefty moves to talk to Joan, but we stay with Phill.
JENNIFER
If it isn’t Itchapuss himself. Or
should I call you my hero?

12. 11.
PHIL
Depends - Jet Li or Dustin Hoffman?
JENNIFER
Well, Hoffman does have the Tootsie
thing going for him.
Phill digs into his pocket.
PHILL
What’re ya doin’ here?
JENNIFER
Jackie heard about the mystery
blogger or whatever from some
casting guy and became obsessed.
PHILL
Word travels fast.
Phill produces a ’Super Phill Collins Itchapuss’ sketch.
JENNIFER
Nice! No Canalingus sidekick?
cut to:
INT. KITCHEN SET - DAY
Jennifer is in a kitchen, but our eyes are drawn to the red
package nearby ... it contains an Ancient Roman head with a
papyrus font that reads "Canalingus".
We see QUICK MONTAGE of her canning food while we hear:
JENNIFER (OS)
This secret Roman technique has
literally saved marriages. With the
famous Canalingus method, you’ll
always be satisfied.
We finish the montage, and Jennifer looks at the camera.
As she delivers the next line, she displays one can after
another...
JENNIFER
Congratulations - you’ll keep
coming, and coming and coming back
for more!
BACK TO PRESENT

13. 12.
Phill is mimicking the way Jennifer was displaying the cans.
She playfully hits his arm.
Phill is all smiles. His dream girl is - flirting.
Jennifer moves a little and we change focus... THE SCARY
BOUNCER who hates Phill is right behind her.
Phill’s face goes white.
cut to:
EXT. STREET - DAY
Phill turns and sees the Scary Bouncer running towards him.
SCARY BOUNCER
What are you doing to my car?! ...
Phill Collins? I’m gonna kill you!
BACK TO PRESENT
Jennifer starts talking, but all we can see is Bouncer.
JENNIFER
You cold? It’s like Winterfell cold
up in here.
Phill doesn’t respond - he’s too busy trying to position
himself so the Bouncer doesn’t see him.
JENNIFER
Not a Game of Thrones fan?
This breaks through. Phill brings his gaze back and smiles.
VOICE
Phill! Phill Collins!
Celeste is running over, wearing a shirt with Phill’s face.
Phill looks back, and sure enough Bouncer now sees him too.
Phill smiles and waves at Celeste while frantically looking
for an exit or a place to hide...
JENNIFER
Are you okay? I haven’t seen
someone that nervous since my last
driving instructor.
Phill smiles and casually looks over his shoulder to the
exit door on his left.

14. 13.
PHILL
Will you excuse me?
Phill casually starts then makes a run for it.
But doesn’t see the large cables lying on the ground... He
trips and crosses ten feet or so and CRASHES over makeup
chairs.
Horizontal, Phill rubs his head and looks around, the lights
or something look different. Suddenly a hand reaches down.
It’s Joan Laden who helps Phill to his feet.
JOAN LADEN
Wow I didn’t know you did your own
stunt work!
She smiles and looks off, before looking back at Phill.
Meanwhile, Phill is busy trying to spot Scary Bouncer.
JOAN LADEN
But your timing is impeccable. Hate
to be the bearer of bad news, but
I’m gonna give you a whoopin!
She rares back... Phill covers himself & closes his eyes.
After a beat, he slowly opens them - Joan shakes her head.
Phill looks around and notices three things - a logo that
reads "How to MakeUp with Joan Laden", a TV camera, and a
small audience surrounding the ’set’.
JOAN LADEN
Sorry bout that Phill.
She leads him to a makeup chair. Phill tries to crane his
neck, while Joan simply pushes him back down.
JOAN LADEN
If you’re practicing along, always
keep your subject’s safety in mind.
Lefty loudly and rudely clears his throat. Phill nods,
reaches into his pocket, and glances at the tiny papers.
PHILL
Speaking of safety and protection,
my Godfather says the times are a
changing and inflation (trails
off)...
Phill loses his concentration as he looks for Scary Bouncer.

15. 14.
JOAN LADEN
Okaaay. Thanks Phill, now the
beauty of a black eye is...
PHILL
Just real quick, my Godfather
recently told me that...
HECKLER (OS)
Hairy beanbag!
Startled, Phill flings his papers all over the floor.
PHILL
Sorry, nerves must be shot. Or
retired.
cut to:
INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME
With horizontal blinds shading the room, a Godfather-like
theme song plays softly as the back of a BIG SUIT watches
TV... Above hangs a framed newspaper that reads: ’Lou
"Nerves" Nerveselli - New Boss of Bosses.’
LOU ’NERVES’ NERVESELLI
He say I’m retired? Get me Tony.
HENCHMAN
You got it Nerves.
We hold on Nerves starring daggers - then he looks around.
LOU ’NERVES’ NERVESELLI
Open some curtains. And change the
music huh, I’m sicka that song.
Light flows in and the Godfather-ish music abruptly ends.
BACK TO PUBLIC ACCESS
Phill sees that Joan is a bit rattled from the heckler.
JOAN LADEN
Amway, sorry, anyway, a black eye
can be a simple and cheap Halloween
costume.
She quickly mixes the makeup and looks to the camera.

16. 15.
JOAN LADEN
Now Phill, when you...
HECKLER (OS)
Sloppy Cumberbatch!
Phill looks at her, like ’is this normal’? She begins
cleaning and organizing her brushes.
JOAN LADEN
When you apply makeup, always keep
your brushes clean and never mix...
HECKLER (OS)
Nappy dugout!
Phill sees Joan breathing heavy and is near tears.
JOAN LADEN
Sorry, the secret to a black eye...
HECKLER (OS)
Whore... ible!
Phill jumps up and looks out into the audience.
PHILL
Hey, smart guy - it’s not funny!
JOAN LADEN
Phill, no...
PHILL
Sorry Joan, I’m tired of Ichabod
Crane-ing my way through life.
She wipes her eyes and smiles at Phill. However, Phill is
staring out at Jennifer. She gives him a quizzical smile.
Phill smiles back, then nods at Joan. He’s got this.
PHILL
(to the hiding heckler)
Now, what if I start callin’ you
names, huh? Or is your IQ so low...
The crowd parts revealing - Daryl Steven Hobbs.
Everyone just stares at Phill.
DARYL STEVEN HOBBS
You DIDDLE FINGER! making fun o me?
Phill looks at Daryl Steven Hobbs, then the silent crowd.

17. 16.
QUICK CUT TO BLACK
ANNOUNCER
Next time on the Art of Acting Out.
LONE HALLWAY
Daryl Steven Hobbs is walking, when he pulls out his phone.
DARYL STEVEN HOBBS
(perfect diction)
Hi Sally, Daryl Steven Hobbs here,
I’m calling on behalf of your ad.
When you say ’will perform S&M’,
does that mean I would be
responsible for bringing the whips
and handcuffs myself?