Overview of the role of communication in family relationships, with special emphasis on intentional and "heart-to-heart" communication.

1. Family and CommunicationFamily and Communication
Bukal Life CareBukal Life Care
Presented byPresented by
Celia P. Munson, M.Div., BCCCCelia P. Munson, M.Div., BCCC
Robert H. Munson, Th.D.Robert H. Munson, Th.D.

2. Genesis 1:26-28
Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to
Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea,
over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth
and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So
God created man in His own image; in the image of God He
created him; male and female He created them. Then God
blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and
multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the
fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living
thing that moves on the earth.”
Genesis 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and
mother and be joined to his wife, and
they shall become one flesh

3. Malachi 2:13-16
And this is the second thing you do:
You cover the altar of the Lord with tears,
With weeping and crying;
So He does not regard the offering anymore,
Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.
Yet you say, “For what reason?”
Because the Lord has been witness
Between you and the wife of your youth,
With whom you have dealt treacherously;
Yet she is your companion
And your wife by covenant.

4. Malachi 2:13-16
But did He not make them one,
Having a remnant of the Spirit?
And why one?
He seeks godly offspring.
Therefore take heed to your spirit,
And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his
youth.
“For the Lord God of Israel says
That He hates divorce,
For it covers one’s garment with violence,”
Says the Lord of hosts.
“Therefore take heed to your spirit,
That you do not deal treacherously.”

5. Ephesians 5:25-33
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also
loved the church and gave Himself for her, that
He might sanctify and cleanse her with the
washing of water by the word, that He might
present her to Himself a glorious church, not
having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but
that she should be holy and without blemish. So
husbands ought to love their own wives as their
own bodies; he who loves his wife loves
himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh,
but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord
does the church.

6. Ephesians 5:25-33
For we are members of His body, of His flesh and
of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave
his father and mother and be joined to his wife,
and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a
great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ
and the church. Nevertheless let each one of
you in particular so love his own wife as
himself, and let the wife see that she respects
her husband.

7. Ephesians 6:1-4
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for
this is right. “Honor your father and mother,”
which is the first commandment with
promise: “that it may be well with you and
you may live long on the earth.”
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children
to wrath, but bring them up in the training
and admonition of the Lord.

8. These Verses Describe the “Why” of
Marriage and Family. Now We Will Look
at the “How”
“A man who becomes conscious of the
responsibility he bears toward a human
being who affectionately waits for him, or to
an unfinished work, will never be able to
throw away his life. He knows the 'why' for
his existence, and will be able to bear almost
any 'how.'“
-Victor E. Frankl

9. Healthy Relationships in Family (APGAR)
A – Adaptation Capability to utilize and
share resources
P – Partnership Solving problems by
communicating
G – Growth Freedom to grow and
change
A – Affection Intimacy and emotional
interaction in the family
R – Resolve Commitment by other
members to the family
<Note: All are related to
Communication.>

10. Family APGAR Test
(0 for Hardly Ever, 1 for Sometimes,
2 for Most of the Time)
A I am satisfied that I can turn to my family for help
when something is troubling me.
P I am satisfied with the way my family talks about
things with me and shares problems with me
G I am satisfied that my family accepts and supports
my wishes to take on new activities or directions
A I am satisfied with the way my family expresses
affection and responds to emotion such as anger
sorrow and love.
R I am satisfied with the way my family and I share
time together

11. Family APGAR
8-10 – highly functional
4-7 – moderately dysfunctional
0-3 – severely dysfunctional

12. Levels of Communication
1) No real communication except by accident – small
talk; chitchat (lowest, superficial).
2) Report facts about others. (Still no real emotions
shared)
3) Some communication. Willing to risk telling something
of our ideas and revealing some of our judgments and
decisions. (Some emotions/values)
4) Participants have the courage to share their feelings and
some gut level sharing takes place.
5) A complete emotional and personal union that is quite
rare.

13. All Levels have their function... but
families need to get beyond Level 2.
We need to go beyond the “Facts” that
the other has (head information)
and
Get to the “Meanings” associated with
facts and feelings (heart information).

14. Facts Versus Meaning?
➲ Consider a fact... “We have been married for
24 years and have never had a argument.”
➲ What does it mean?
➲ We don't really know what this statement
means until we understand the emotions and
values associated with this statement.
➲ Unless we dig deeper... we are just guessing.
➲ We need to investigate feeling terms.

15. Consider some possible “feeling statements”
that could relate to “We have been married for
24 years and have never had an argument.”
➲ I am blissfully happy. We have the perfect marriage!
➲ I am sad. We never really talk about what really
matters.
➲ I am frustrated. Whenever there is a conflict, he just
walks away.
➲ I am anxious. Our marriage feels dead... we don't
talk, we don't disagree, we just go through the
motions.
Now we know what is meant... Not just facts.
If your child says that he wants to quit
school... what does it mean?

16. Intentional ConversationIntentional Conversation
Definition: An Intentional Conversation is a
conversation with a clear goal, plan, and
script.

17. Crucial ConversationCrucial Conversation
Definition: A crucial conversation (a common
type of Intentional Conversation) is a discussion
between two or more people where
(1) stakes are high
(2) opinions vary
(3) emotions run strong.
(Patterson)
In these situations, there is a desire of one to
change the mind of the other or gain
understanding (of the other or from
the other).

18. Communication with a Purpose
One-Way
Communication
Two-Way
Communication
Seeking
Understanding
Teaching/
Lecture
Dialogue/
Discussion
Seeking Change Preaching/
Polemics
Argument/
Apologetics/
Confrontation
What is needed most in marital conversations?What is needed most in marital conversations?
Family conversations?

19. When is an Intentional ConversationWhen is an Intentional Conversation
needed?needed?
Whenever you
-feel uncomfortable,
-have second thoughts, or
-try to avoid saying what you need to say,
what you aren’t saying is your hard
conversation. (Abrams)

20. What if we need to have an intentionalWhat if we need to have an intentional
conversations but don't?conversations but don't?
-Our beliefs and our actions are not aligned
-We experience a high level of tension,
discomfort, stress.
-We give support to what is wrong through
silence and inaction.
-Our trustworthiness can be questioned.
-Relationships we want to protect become
strained and damaged.
(A family is as sick as its secrets)

21. Successful Intentional
Conversations require a
PLAN
Goal, Situation, Script
<As such, it will feel strange...
artificial... fake. But give it a chance.
Preaching and Teaching utilizes plans.
So should dialogue.>

22. A. Plan (Goal/Situation/Script)
B. Action/Conversation
C. Evaluate
D. Follow-up
A1. Goal
Seek to understand?
Seek understanding?
Seek to change?
Seek change?

23. A-2. Situation
-When would be a good time?
-What would be a good place?
-What would be the right
emotional state?
A-3. Script
-Semi-structured
-Thought through
-Practiced
Then, Conversation, Evaluation, and Follow-up

24. Intentional Dialogue
This is for gaining understanding.
Typically, the need for dialogue is related more
to understanding of values and feelings more
than about facts.
Typically, the need is to focus more on
perceptions than “truth” or blame.

25. Intentional Dialogue
<Divide into groups and then into 2s or 3s. The
3rd
member can critique.>
 “A” share a BIG moment (happy or sad).
 “B” Seek clarification, if needed. Intentional
listening
 “B” Mirror/Echo
 “B” Validate (Repeat back what
made sense)
 “B” Empathize (Be in the other
person's situation)

26. Intentional Confrontation
(Crucial Conversation)
At the start ensure two things:

Help the other understand that you share the same
goals.

Help the other understand that he or she is
respected by you.
If these two points are made clear, there is a high
probability that you will be heard (heard doesn't
always mean agreement... but it is a start).

27. Intentional Confrontation
<Break into groups of 2s or 3s. “A” and “B”. The
3rd
person can critique.>
 Frustrating Behavior
 My Feeling
 My Story
 My Reactive Behavior
 My Fear
 My Childhood Response
 My Desire

28. Intentional Confrontation
If you simply want to attack or blame...
you don't need intentional
communication/ confrontation.
Intentional communication in
confrontation is beneficial when the
goal is correction and reconciliation.

29. Is Intentional Conversation Always
Successful?
NO!!!
-Intentional dialogue requires mutual respect.
-Intentional confrontation requires a willingness
for both parties to grow and reconcile.
(Mediation may be required).
Other types of intentional conversation can also
fail (ask any salesman... no words can
guarantee results).
All one can do is plan for success.

30. References
-Leverington, John and Becky. Marriage Encounter Training
Handouts. October 2012. Narramore Christian Foundation.
Chiang Mai, Thailand.
-Maxwell, John. “Developing the Leaders Around You.”
-Maybin, Sarita. “If You Can’t Say Something Nice, What Do
You Say?”
-Patterson and Grenny, “Crucial Conversations”
-”courageousintentionalconversations.ppt” at
http://2011e1690.wikispaces.com.
-Niklas, Gerald. “The Making of a Pastoral Person.”
-Munson, Robert and Celia. “The Art of Pastoral Care.”