I love poetry and I thought I would share some funny poems for a change.

1. P o e t s Click to advance >

2. I've got to lose a kilogram Me buttonholes are stretching And when I bend down in me shorts Me rear end ain’t so fetching But morning tea is on the go, A creamy lemon sponge And Easter eggs are in the shops Next week I'll take the plunge. I've got to lose 2 kilograms Me zipper's lost its zip Me jeans feel like steel corsets And won't pull past me hips. But there's a birthday celebration With chips, ham and cheese platter So I'll just have a tiny smidge And watch me waist get fatter. I HAVE to lose 3 kilograms Me swim togs straps feel shorter They "cut" and I can't stand up straight So I avoid the water. With all the Christmas barbecues Held at the beach or pool I hide behind the snags and grog And pile on kilojoules. Poem by: Tess Rowley

3. How am I you ask? Well I must say I'll be fine as soon as this pain goes away I'll be fine when I lose a few hundred pounds and my cough isn't really as bad as it sounds The sight in my eye will return they say as soon as this pain in my head goes away I guess I'll be able to hear again but the doctor can't really tell me when My teeth are ok all the bad ones fell out And I could be walking if it weren't for the gout but other than that I really feel fine if only they'd fix this curve in my spine How am I you ask well I'll tell you real quick I was fine till you asked me but now I feel sick Poem by: Donna Vickodil

4. Today I feel rotten Lost and forgotten Moody, misty and blue My hair is splitting Nothing is fitting Both my thumbs I chew Today I feel crazy Like a wind-shaken daisy The dizziest dame on your way I am all out of order On the misery border And my heaven is terribly grey Poem by: Anita V. Today I am mouldy And "Oh" such an oldy A shrunken, outdated prune My joints are all rusty My corners all dusty And my voice is all out of tune I look at the sheet That lays underneath My unhappily writing "ball" And I ask with a sigh "Whyever and Why" Do I write such nonsence at all. I am awfully saddened Not very much gladdened It's as if a bad crop I grew Everything's creepy I am feeling all weepy When I see the thumbs that I chew

5. The other day, I happened by chance, As I passed a mirror, to give it a glance And I wondered who that old man could be, Who, with his mouth wide open, was looking at me. His bald head was sprinkled with a little grey fuzz, And he wasn't at all handsome (like I always was) He looked like a sack of mismated parts, Put together without aid of instructions or charts. And while I know that my shoulders don't slump, This person's were misshapen in one ugly hump' Now, if that was my image, I only can say, They don't make mirrors like they did in my day. Poem by: Lucy Blades

6. Love me when I'm old and shocking Peel off my elastic stockings Swing me from the chandeliers Let's be randy bad old dears Push around my chromed Bath Chair Let me tease your white chest hair Scaring children, swapping dentures Let us have some great adventures Poem by: Bee Rawlinson Take me to the Dogs and Bingo Teach me how to speak the lingo Bone my eels and bring me tea Show me how it's meant to be Take me to your special places Watching all the puzzled faces You in shorts and socks and sandals Me with warts and huge love-handles As the need for love enthrals Wrestle with my dampproof smalls Make me laugh without constraint Buy me chocolate body paint Hold me safe throughout the night When my hair has turned to white Believe me when I say it's true I've waited all my lives for you.

7. In 'Deaths' today I saw my name, "Can't be" I thought, and looked again, Yet there it was as plain as plain, In black and white it said the same. "But no! said I, this cannot be For here I am for all to see." "It must be someone else not me, A case of wrong identity". Poem by: John Pickersgill Rang a number, crossly said, "How dare you tell the world I'm dead, That this living life I've fled, You surely must be off your head". The gleeful voice that answered back, Said, "Yeah, yeah man - they all say that, Believe it man, you've hung your hat, You kicked the bucket two hours back". "You've dialed Limbo triple 0, Press 1 for yes or 2 for no, The choice of where you wanna go, Is wings above or fire below ". "But be aware, I gotta say It makes no difference either way, Your future's looking grim and gray, It's roast and toast for you this day". The roar of flames, the smell of soot? The stamping of a cloven foot? Must I drink this bitter cup? "Like Hell! " I said, as I woke up.