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The Marmite Alphabetacy 30- Lord What Fools These Mortals Be
1. Just to refresh your memory, when he left off, Xander had just crashed the engagement party and had disappeared with Heffalump. Devastated, Demetri also ran off closely followed by Helena who is in love with him. I hope you enjoy it despite the length!
2. â...and then Heffalump ran off with this Xander dude!â âShe did WHAT?â âI know! So weâre all standing there feeling shocked and whatnot, and then Demetri runs off and Helena goes after him!â â...â â...â âWell bugger meâ âExactlyâ âIris, why does it sound like youâre sloshing around in a lake?â
3. âBecause I am. Itâs the only place that I can get a signal. There better not be any eels.â âWait, just take me through this again...â âWhatâs going on Maia?â âIt sounds like Lumpyâs run off with some random guy who crashed the engagement party.â âYouâre kidding!â âNope. Itâs not surprising though, Demetri and Heffalump were a total mismatch.â âNot that!â
4. âWhat then?â âThey had an engagement party and didnât invite any of us?! Weâre the freakinâ simselves!â
5. âHow could Heffalump just run off like that?â said Horatio. âI would never have imagined her being so cruel!â âOh as if itâs that simple!â snarled Hermione. âYou have no idea whatâs going on with her do you?â âYeah I do, sheâs broken Demâs heart and run off with some other guy!â âYou are COMPLETELY oblivious arenât you?! Sheâll feel guilty for leaving Dem, but glad that she finally gets to be with Xander, but sheâll feel bad for feeling glad about that, and sheâll feel like sheâs let everyone down, and sheâll feel be regretting putting it off this long and that it had to happen this way but sheâll still be glad that she managed to stop herself and Demetri from making a huge mistake and sheâll be sad that sheâs upset Helena too and-â âOh as if one person could feel ALL of that!â
6. âJust because youâve got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesnât mean we all have!â As he often did, Hamlet left them to their squabbling. He stared east, back in the direction of campus, the direction that Heffalump and Xander had fled, and wondered what they planned to do next. He then turned his gaze in the opposite direction, into the cluster of trees by the lakeside that Demetri had disappeared into, followed swiftly by Helena.
7. It was as if Helenaâs boots had frozen to the ground. This was unlikely, as it was a warm midsummerâs night, but it certainly felt as if she had been standing there listening to her pounding heart for long enough for the seasons to change. She wondered if she could still slip away without him noticing-she simply couldnât bring herself to move any closer regardless of how much she ached to. Demetriâs hunched frame began to tremble and a small sob escaped before he could stifle it. The pitiful sound was more than Helena could bear, she wrenched her feet free and stumbled forward towards him. âOh Dem,â she whispered. She moved to put her arm around him, but her courage failed and she faltered.
8. âI just-â He sat up, turning to face her and, despite herself, Helena couldnât help but feel a shiver of excitement as his eyes met hers. His face was wet with tears which glistened in the moonlight. âI canât-â He looked away and said no more. âI donât understand either.â she whispered. âNo, I think Iâm beginning to understand.â he said quietly. âSheâs so...so special. So unique. She can light up a room with one smile yâknow?â A further jab of pain shot through Helena. âYes, I know.â she forced herself to reply. âSheâs always been so-â her voice cracked âso specialâ she swallowed hard as she finished, turning away to wipe away the tears that she could no longer hold back. âIâve never deserved her.â
9. âThatâs not true!â The force of her words surprised both Helena and Demetri. âYou donât have to say that Helenaâ he said. âI donât know why I ever thought that she could ever- that she could ever love me.â This was more than Helena could bear. âSheâs never deserved you Dem!â The words were tumbling out before she could stop them now. âYouâre so kind, and patient and romantic and thoughtful- and youâve always been so good to her even when she treated you badly.â âSheâs never-â âYes she has! Ever since you were teens sheâs been keeping you waiting, just expecting you to hang around, whilst she expects everything to be centred on her and does whatever she wants and doesnât bother to tell you where she is or how long sheâll be because she knows that youâll be there waiting for her... And youâve tried to take an interest in stuff she likes but she never asks you about your interests or how your day was or... Or-â she had long since given up on trying to disguise her tears and then emotion in her voice. âYou deserve better than that Dem. Someone you can really- someone who really- who really loves you.â
10. âLook, you really donât have to say all that and act like youâre all worked up about it. Itâs nice of you, but I might as well face the truth.â âThat was the truth Dem!â âNo. The truth is that I was kidding myself by pretending that someone like Heffalump- that anyone could ever love someone as worthless as me.â Helena looked up and once again their eyes met and the jolt this always sent through Helenaâs system gave her the courage to speak, although her voice shook. âI love you.â
11. âLook, I donât need your pity Helena.â he said, standing up âI know youâre trying to make me feel better but that kind of crap is just going to make me feel worse.â âNo,â Helena stood up too and her voice was stronger now, âBut I really do Dem. I love you- I have for...for so long- and itâs been killing me! Having to watch the two of you for years- and not saying anything because I wanted you to be happy-I wanted both of you to be happy. And I felt... I felt so ill, so sick- I felt like I was dying. And I knew it made me a terrible sister and a terrible friend- and I loathed myself for it... And Iâd pray that Iâd wake up one morning and I wouldnât love you anymore- or that I just wouldn't wake up- but it just wouldnât go away. It wonât go away... And I-â the passionate flow of communication trickled to an end and Helena became very aware of all she had just said. â And I love you.â Demetri stared at her in silence for a few viscous moments. His pale face was frozen in his sheer incomprehension. Helena stared back at him and watched in alarm as a shadow of something close to panic passed over his face. âWhat- I-â His voice grew more forceful, although it still quivered noticeably.
12. âWhat the hell Helena!? What are you trying to-â He began to back away and Helena felt her insides writhe. âNo- I just- Iâ she moved closer to him, but Demetri flinched away. âLeave me alone Helena.â Fresh tears fell down his cheeks as he spoke. âDemetri, no-donât-â But he had already begun to walk away. She watched him leave, crying silently until he vanished into the trees. Helena sank to her knees on the cold earth and let out a moan of pain to the empty night.
13. Heffalump was trying to remember whether sheâd packed her glow in the dark legwarmers when her sister arrived at the dorm. Helenaâs face was dry and her eye makeup was flawless, but Heffalump knew she had been crying. Heffalump always knew when her twin had been crying- and this time, she even thought she knew why. âSo youâre leaving then?â asked Helena in a low voice. âYeah,â said Heffalump, her voice lacked its usual melodic quality. âJust for a while... Just until things... Blow over a bit. It wouldnât be fair on...â She still couldnât bring herself to say his name. She didnât feel that she had the right to after what she had done.
14. âWhere- Where are you going to go?â Helena asked. âA friend of mine has a place on the other side of the Buckland Forest. We can stay with him for a while.â answered Xander. If Helena had known Xander as her twin did, she would have noticed that his voice too showed the strain of the eveningâs events and was subdued by a feeling of guilt. âItâs pretty secluded so itâll be perfect for waiting...for things to cool off.â âWeâre gonna leave tonight, as soon as Iâm changed, and cut through the forest from its west side by the old Uni music hall.â added Heffalump âWe should get there before the morning.â
15. âSo, thatâs it?â said Helena. âYouâre just... just leaving Demetri like this?â Heffalump felt a fresh stab of guilt at her sisterâs words. She looked at the ground as she spoke. âIâve never wanted to hurt him Helena. Never.â âWell you have havenât you!â Helena shrieked. Heffalumpâs head jerked upwards in surprise. âYouâve trampled all over him! And now youâre just running away! Like youâve always run away from any kind of responsibility, or anything difficult. Dancing through life without a care in the world- but life isnât one big playground for everyone Heffalump! And he doesnât deserve this!â âI know,â said Heffalump quietly. âHe deserves better.â
16. âYes he does!â Scowled Helena. âHe deserves youâ The anger quickly vanished from Helenaâs face. Heffalump smiled. Her twinâs outburst had surprised her simply because it was so out of character- but she had long since guessed Helenaâs hidden feelings. She knew her twin too well. âWhat... What do-â Helena stumbled. âI know Helena. How could I not? And it makes so much sense! You and Dem... Youâre perfect for each other. And I wanted Dem to realise that more than anything. Because I knew I didnât love him, that I never really had. But I didnât have the guts to break up with him and it would have been so much easier on him if heâd just... Just woken up and seen that you two were made for each other. So I kept trying to leave you alone together, going out all night because I knew you two had those long conversations about all the stuff you have in common... Dem and I have nothing in common. I donât think weâve ever had even one talk like that.â âYou stayed out that late so that we could talk for longer?â Helena said in pained disbelief. âYeah, so you could get closer. And I hoped that heâd get fed up of me treating him so horribly.â âHe didnât.â said Helena dejectedly.
17. âThen one night I met Xander.â âOur eyes met across the collapsed form of a dehydrated cyber goth...â sighed Xander. âAnd things got even more complicated... I ended up treating both guys like dirt because I was trying to stop Dem loving me and I wouldnât let myself admit that I was in love with Xander... And I was just so confused the whole time and.. And now Iâve made a huge mess of things.â She looked at her twin with teary eyes. âIâm so sorry for all this Helena. But maybe now things can finally be as they aught to be.â she added hopefully. âAnd maybe youâll be so happy together that youâll be able to forgive me.â âI donât think that will happen.â said Helena miserably and Heffalumpâs face fell. âHe loves you Lumpy. Now more than ever.â âNo, he just thinks he loves me.â Heffalump insisted. âHeâs confused and once you tell him-â âI already have. I practically vomited my feelings all over him- and he- he-â Heffalumpâs insides writhed in pain as she watched her sister begin to sob again. âHe hates me Lumpy. He was... Disgusted. And then he left me there!â Helena broke down into floods of tears and Heffalump yanked her into a vice like hug. She held her twin until the sobs and shaking subsided, stroking her hair and letting her own tears fall onto Helenaâs back.
18. âI donât think you should give up so easily.â she whispered, pulling out of their embrace and drying her damp eyes. âHeâs scared and confused. He shouldnât be on his own tonight and I would bet everything that I own that heâll realise that he loves you before long.â âBut I-â âI might not have ever loved Demetri,â said Heffalump. âBut I do know him pretty damn well Helena. And I know that heâs gonna snap out of this. I know that he loves you. I think that he might just be acting like this because heâs known how he really feels for a while but still thinks that he should be in love with me. He wonât let himself- Heâll be so confused right now. He needs you Helena.â
19. âIâm telling you Ando, this is our moment!â âHmmm,â said Ando âAre you sure the world is really ready for the stage adaptation of âThe Surprising Adventures of Captain Algernon Drooble the ninja pirateâ?â âHow could it not be?â grinned Hiro, eyes wide with excitement. Ando grinned back. âWell letâs get on with it then!â âGreat!â âSo, tell me again why weâre practising here?â âBecause itâs safe from the prying ears of drama and literature majors who would naturally want to plagiarise our masterpiece.â âOh yeah, nice thinking Hiro!â he paused. âCan ears pry?â
20. âAre you sure that this is the right place?â The faerie glanced skywards nervously as a brusque gust of wind disturbed the trees. The leaves hissed in irritation; things werenât right here.
21. âOf course weâre sure.â her companion replied exasperatedly, rolling her eyes in her sharp face. âRelax Peaseblossom.â The second faerieâs voice had a vibrato quality, a buzzing like an insectâs wings. âSheâll be here. It might take her a while if the co-op are still running that deal on 12 packs of lager, but sheâll be alright. Isnât that right Mustardseed?â
22. âHmm?â said the third faerie, their unelected leader, distractedly. âWhat was that Moth?â She too had been scanning their surroundings, but not nervously like Peaseblossom- more as if she were searching for a target. Moth repeated herself. âOh yeah, sheâll be here soon enough.â âShe approaches.â whispered a fourth voice that hung in the night air like a creeping mist.
23. âBloody hell Cobweb! I wish you wouldnât just appear like that!â Mustardseed cried, leaping down from the bank. âSorry,â said Cobweb, gazing around the clearing as if watching things that the others could not see- which irritated the others slightly because, considering that they too were beings of not inconsiderable power, they liked to consider themselves pretty in tune with workings of their forest. âShe is near,â continued Cobweb. âBut I am not sure that we should stay.â âWhaddya mean?!âMustardseed yelled. âWhat she means,â a new, bright voice said confidently. âIs that it would be better if you left.â
24. The four faeries turned in the direction of the voice quicker than human eyes (if there had been any there to watch) would have been able to see, staring upwards at its owner who reclined casually near the top of a steep bank. âYou arenât wanted here tonight.â âPuck.â Mustardseed growled. âYou hairy bastard.â âAlways a pleasure Mustard,â he grinned, leaping down to stand with them. âWhere are your manners?â cried Puck. âWonât you introduce me to your two friends who have not had the pleasure of meeting me?â âPeaseblossom, Moth,â she scowled âThis is Puck. You might have heard him called âRobin Goodfellowâ ,âshe sneered. âor âHobâ. He spends his time abusing mortals.â
25. âWell someoneâs got to keep them in their place.â said Puck. âTheyâre briefly amusing playthings- you lot would do well to remember that.â He looked them up and down, smirking as he did so. âLook at you, dressed in those mortal rags. Iâm amazed that you havenât tried to snap off your wings.â âThese rags,â growled Mustardseed âHave many useful applications. These boots for example,â she pointed to her New Rocks âare perfect for kicking goat-boy arse.â Puck laughed and grinned at Mustardseed. âWhatâs happened to you Mustard? You used to enjoy a bit of mortal baiting almost as much as me.â âAnd I still do,â she replied defiantly âbut this new world has wonders that weâd never even dreamt of back in Fae. Like denim and breathable cotton.â âAnd fabric softner.â added Peaseblossom. âIndeed,â agreed Mustardseed. âAnd I fail to see why we shouldnât take advantage of that.â âBut thatâs not all is it?â said Puck âYouâve actually made friends with a mortal havenât you?â They made no response. âAnd now you follow her around... As if sheâs your queen or something!â
26. âWeâve had worse Queens.â spat Moth. âI thought youâd remember that goat-boy. I hear you fled from Fae at the first chance just like us.â âThat,â Puck was no longer grinning. âIs irrelevant Butterfly.â âMy name is MOTH.â âSure it is Butterfly,â he turned so he was once more facing all of them. âBut the point is, you arenât welcome here tonight.â âWhy?â asked Cobweb. âWhy tonight in particular?â
27. âOh,â Mustardseed smiled and her eyes glinted mischievously. âHe must be coming here tonight. Puckâs master.â âHe is not my master.â glared Puck. âWell you act like he is. Following him around all the time like a tame mongrel. Well it just so happens that our Lady will also be here soon. So Iâd suggest that you get out of here goat-boy; thereâs sure to be fireworks when they meet. What was your plan? To scare us off and then slip away too once weâd left; to look like a tough guy? â Puck glared at her for a moment. âYou will not be welcome here tonight. Leave.â
28. âOr what?!â cried Mustardseed, grinning broadly. âOr face the wrath of your half-wit master?â Puck opened his mouth to correct her but didnât get the chance. âWhat will be do?!â wailed Mustardseed in mockery. âHowever will we survive?!â Puck glanced up at the frosted moon; they would be here soon, he didnât have much time. âLeave.â he snarled.
29. âMake us.â grinned Mustardseed. âToodles goat-boy,â smiled Peaseblossom. Mothâs eyes were glittering as she crouched as if to pounce; her lepidopteron wings buzzed menacingly and she wore an eager goblin like grin. âGoodbye Puck.â whispered Cobweb icily. With a bitter look and a final glance at the moon, Puck vanished into the trees.
30. Mustardseed chuckled to herself as she watched him go. She and Puck went way back, further back than she cared to remember. But she had left this encounter as the victor and would maintain that title with satisfaction until their next inevitable skirmish. Mothâs worried voice drew her from her reminiscence. âUh, Mustardseed? We are going to leave though arenât we?â âObviously Moth.â she sighed. âThis isnât a scene that we want to be a part of. Sheâll tell us all about it anyway- and maybe theyâll finally sort things out this time.â She paused, looking around at the forest. âBut we couldnât let Puck think heâd scared us off could we?â The others laughed and followed Mustardseed as she walked out of the clearing and into the darkness beneath the cover of the trees.
31. It was fortunate that the faeries had not lingered any longer, for just a few moments after they left, a figure strode into the clearing. His long knotted hair was a brilliant orange and fell down to his tattooed shoulders and torso. He wore only jeans, no shirt, no shoes and his exposed skin was vibrant blue even when lit only by moonlight. He stared around him, as if he were expecting something or someone to appear and then started as a voice spoke from behind him. âIll met by moonlight ya daft spavie Rob.â He span round as a woman walked purposefully out of the trees. She also had red hair that fell past her shoulders and her tattoos featured the same patterns as Robâs, identifying them as members of the same Nac Mac Feegle clan, specifically as the Kelda (the clanâs leader) and the Big Man (her husband). âAch Fion,â growled Rob. âyehcannae sneak up on me lighâ that!â
32. âI didnaedoo any sneakinâ,â she replied flatly. âYehâre just loosinâ yehtoouch.â âBlethers!â Rob waved his hand dismissively. âYehâve bin learninâ strange new hiddlins from yeh faerie friends! Itâs not righâ Fion. A Feegle shouldnae be assoociatinâ with theh stuck up southern shites! Itâs eldritch yeh ken! Jusâ plain unnatural!â âOh aye?â said Fion, raising an eyebrow and folding her arms. âAnâ what about that Puck that yerhâve bin hanginâ aroound with?â âCrivens Fion!â cried Rob. âThaâsa different matter altogether-like. He ainât one oâthem pretty boy pixies!â âWell I dinnae think heâs a pictise Rob! Anâ he ainât no bigjob!â âHOOVES Fion. Hooves and HORNS. Thaâs manly! None oâthisdrinkinâ oâthe dewdrops anâ the flutterinâ throoughthe forest oonthe shimmery flitterers! HOOVES and HORNS!â Fion glared at him. âI cannae see the harm in havinâ some different frens Rob, yeh massive hypocrite!â âOH!â yelled Rob, waving his arms. âHere come the fancy words!â âHYPOCRITE!â âFANCY WORDS!â âHYPOCRITE!â âFANCY WORDS!â
33. After a while, they fell silent and glared at each other whilst the echoes of their shouts reverberated around the organic amphitheatre created by the surrounding trees. The resonances died away and suddenly, Rob sighed. His stare softened and became sad as he reached forward to caress Fionâs cheek. She did not resist and made no attempt to conceal a slight smile at his touch. âI dinnaewanna fight Fion,â he said quietly. âI ken Rob, I ken. I dinnae want to either.â âSo yehwillnae be seeinâ the flutteries anymore?â
34. Fion shoved his hand away and glared at her husband with flaming eyes. â Crivens Rob! I could give you sich a kickinâ sometimes!â There was silence for a few moments as they both stood, arms folded, stewing in their mutual certainty that the other was being completely unreasonable. After a while, Rob spoke. âSo you willnae be backing doown, and I willnae be backing doown?â âAye.â she said bluntly. After a long pause, Rob broke the quiet. âWell thaâs fine with me!â âWell Iâll be offski then yeh useless scunner!â âFINE.â
35. Fion stomped angrily out of the clearing. Rob watched her leave, fuming with anger, but, as she vanished from sight, his ire faded and he let out a melancholy, although exasperated, sigh. âWaily, waily, waily.â he said quietly. He looked up at the sky, thought for a moment and then drew a deep breath. âPUCK!â he bellowed. Before long, he heard the clip-clop of approaching hooves. âRob!â cried Puck gregariously, throwing open his arms. âPuck!â They shared what was secure in their minds as a manly hug, in the style of footballers and suchlike, gripping the otherâs forearm and slapping his back. âHow are things with the missus?â
36. âAch,â sighed Rob. âI cannae understand her. Sheâs beinâ so stubbarn!â âYou canât let this go on Rob.â said puck firmly. âAye, I ken. I think Iâm gonna jusâ lettâer win this one. Apologise, yeh ken?â âNo!â cried Puck. âYou canât give in!â âI cannae?â asked Rob, confused. âOf course not! Youâve got to teach her a lesson Rob!â âI do?â âYes! She has to understand how lucky she is to have such a violent, loutish feegle as her husband!â âAye...â he said cautiously. âBut Fion is the kelda, anâ I donâ realleh want to carrehoonwith tha fighting anâ-â âNo Rob! She is the kelda yes, but youâre the Big Man arenât you?â Rob thought for a moment. âAye, but-â âAnd that makes you just as important as Fion doesnât it?â âWell, noâ reallehyeh ken. The Kelda-â Puck would clearly need to try a different approach.
37. âOk...â Puck thought for a moment. âRight, as kelda, Fionâs the clanâs chief right?â âAye.â âSooooo,â said Puck âReally, it has to be her decision to stop this fighting. And we just need her to prompt her to make that decision.â âOh aye? Anâ I suppose ye ken jusâ how to do thaâ?â âI have a plan, yes.â âPuck,â said Rob frowning âThis plan oâyours...â Puck read his mind. âRob! You insult me. Fion will be fine. Better than fine. Sheâll remember how much she loves you and all this arguing will stop. Itâs foolproof, I swear.â âHmm,â said Rob. âWeeeelll... Lesâ hear it then!â
38. âOkay,â said Puck eagerly. â My friend Magnus is a rather infamous warlock- the Shadowhunters are constantly looking for him. Heâs very powerful, I reckon thereâs some elf in his blood somewhere. But anyway, if you know where to find him- which I do- and how to persuade him- which I do- he can knock up a phial of a very powerful substance called Love Juice.â Rob regarded him thoughtfully. âAye, go on.â âRight, so this stuff is made from all sorts of incredibly rare ingredients. Heâs the only one who actually knows whatâs in it but I know for certain that in includes Ashwinder eggs, moonstone, some of Albus Dumbledoreâs tears and, perhaps most importantly, the petals from a flower that, according to legend, was struck by one of cupidâs arrows. And a shed load of hallucinogens of course. And this Love Juice, when itâs applied to a personâs eyes whilst they are sleeping, will cause them to fall wildly and woefully in love with the first creature they see when they wake.â âAye, but hoow-?â âIâm getting there.â âSo my plan is, we use it on Fion and sheâll wake up and fall for... A squirrel or a fox or something.â
39. âFion all googly forrâa squirrel!â Rob laughed. âRight! So firstly, that will be hilarious to watch. But also, the squirrel or pigeon or whatever obviously isnât going to return this affection is it? So, before long, it will be agonising for her not to mention humiliating. With any luck, her little troupe of faeries will abandon her out of sheer embarrassment, but even if they donât, Fion will still be desperate for some release from the agony of that love. So you turn up and, after she begs you, make everything better, reminding her of how lucky she is to have you as her husband. The fightingâs over, you two are like newlyweds, her faeries are proved useless and weâve had a good old laugh.â âAye!â panted Rob, recovering from fits of laughter âAye! Leâs do it Puck!â Puck grinned mischievously. âIâll go and visit Magnus.â
40. Rob was left alone in the clearing once more, this time feeling much better about his romantic situation, convinced that the plan would work splendidly. His happy thoughts of marital harmony (well, by Feegle standards) were interrupted by the sound of approaching voices- mortal voices. Deciding to overhear what sounded like a highly entertaining piece of bigjob drama, he concealed himself in the undergrowth invisible to mortal eyes- Fion was not the only one who could learn tricks from her friends. A young man forced his way through the trees, shoving branches angrily away from his face. Close behind him followed a young woman, scarcely more than a girl, tearstained and exhausted.
41. âDemetri come back!â âGo home Helena.â âNot until you come with me.â âI donât want you here. And Iâm not going back without Heffalump. If you didnât want me to follow her you shouldnât have told me where she was going.â âI didnât mean to,â she said quietly âIt just slipped out. You were so upset.â Demetri stopped and let out a sigh. âWell I still am, and youâre just making it worse by being here.â his voice became angry again. âWhy wonât you just go home Helena?â âI canât just leave you.â she said in a shaking voice. âWhy?!â âBecause I love you.â
42. He turned to face her, with a harsh response prepared. But when he saw the sorrow and despair on her face, a mirror of his own emotional turmoil, he couldnât help but soften his words slightly. âBut I donât love you.â Helena closed her eyes and bit her lip at his words, as if trying desperately to withstand the agony they caused her. But he carried on. âI love Heffalump. And if I can just find her-â âBut she doesnât love you Demetri!â Helena almost screamed the words. âShe loves Xander... And theyâre perfect together.â Demetri winced. âNo, no theyâre-â âThey are. Theyâre made for each other. Just like-â she faltered. Demetri stood with his eyes closed. âJust like you- you and-â Demetri opened his eyes and spoke flatly. âGood bye Helena.â Helena watched him as he quickly left the clearing and passed out of her sight. She let out a quiet moan and screwed up her dark hair in her hands. Then suddenly, she set off in the direction that he had left in, calling his name to the empty night air.
43. Once she had left, Rob wandered back into the open with troubled thoughts just as Puck returned. âHere we go,â smiled Puck, satisfied with his own success. âOne phial of finest Lurrrrve Juice.â Rob gave no reply; he was still staring into the trees. Puck tried again. âItâs not easy to come by, but I managed to get us more than enough.â There was still no response. âPowerful stuff Love Juice. Just a little sprinkle on sleeping eyes and BANG. When they wake theyâll be utterly besotted with the first thing they see. AGONISINGLY so.â He tapped a hoof impatiently.
44. âRob? Rob, are you listening?â âHmm?â Rob finally turned around. âOh, aye Puck. Good job.â He turned back towards the trees that the humans had vanished into. The girl had felt strangely familiar, as if he knew her somehow. One of Fionâs relatives he supposed. He had a dim memory of birthday party... Twin girls... Cake... But all he really remembered was the plentiful supply of booze, as weak as it had been. Still, he felt a connection to this girl and, in his present situation, was feeling highly sympathetic to romantic plights. Rob had a thought- this unnerved him. It was the Kelda's job to the thinking for the entire clan. But still, he had an idea and he thought it just might be a good one too. âPuck, a couplaâ bigjobs just passed through.â said Rob âA sweet lass- too much eye makeup- whoâs all googly forrâarighâ tosser of a boy. After weâve dun the sprinklinâ oâthe stuff on Fion, use tha juice oâyours to sort the spavie out.â âAwww!â moaned Puck âMore work?â Rob shot him a dangerous look. â âFiiine,âPuck acquiesced with a groan. âBut letâs do Fion first.â Robâs face fell. âI dunnae ken where sheâll be.â âDonât worry,â grinned Puck âI do.â
45. âI know a bank where the wild thyme blows,Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,With sweet musk-roses and with eglantineâ However, when they eventually found Fion, her location was rather different. When Rob commented on this, pointing to the scattered liquor bottles, Puck cited poetic license. Fion lay sprawled amidst the flowers in the perfect tranquillity of the utterly hammered.
46. Rob bent down, pushing Fionâs hair from her face and supporting her back with his hand as he raised her sleeping form slightly. Completely rat-arsed, she didnât stir- which was good because if she were to wake up at that moment Rob would have some very tricky questions to answer. He gently slid back her eyelids and let a single sparkling drop from the phial fall into each eye. âWhat thou seest when thou dost wake, Do it for thy true-love take, Love and languish for his sake: Be it ounce, or cat, or bear, Pard, or boar with bristled hair, In thy eye that shall appear When thou wakest, it is thy dear: Wake when some vile thing is near.â âPuck!â Hissed Rob âCut thaâblathers out!â âSorry Rob,â Carefully, he lowered her back to the floor. âNigh, nighâ he whispered, smiling as he and Puck walked away.
47. âThis kinda looks familiar...â said Xander. âThatâs because weâve been here before,â Heffalump sighed. âWeâre going in circles. Look! Thereâs that bush that looks like Shirley Bassey. We might as well admit that weâre lost Xander.â âMaybe if we head east now...â âOh yeah? And which wayâs east then?â she grinned. âUh...â âYeah, I thought so.â âOh God, we are lost.â he moaned. âIâm sorry Lumpy.â
48. Heffalump tried to stifle a yawn- and failed. âSweet zombie Jesus Iâm tired. Why donât we just sleep here tonight? Thingâs will look different in the morning.â âWell... If youâre sure.â he replied, looking around. âIâm really sorry Lumpy.â âNever mind.â she said, settling down on the grass. âJust find a nice soft piece of ground and try to sleep the best you can.â Xander smiled and walked over to her, ready to lie down. âBut make sure your spot is over there.â said Heffalump, gesturing with her hand. âYou snore like hell Xan.â
49. Obediently, Xander settled down a few metres away from Heffalump. She drifted off almost instantly. She must be exhausted. He sighed, wishing that he had thought to bring a map and a compass or that they had decided against cutting through the forest. Short cuts make for long delays. He had read that somewhere... He shrugged and lay back, falling asleep almost as quickly as Heffalump. After a few minutes had passed, Puck, who had been roaming the forest in search of Robâs blessed mortals for some time, stumbled across Xanderâs sleeping form. He made no effort to be quiet- mortals only heard and saw what they wanted to.
50. âWell this must be the guy,â he said, nudging one of the shiny trousered legs with a hoof, to no one in particular- or rather, to himself which was as good as a large crowd in his opinion. He looked at the sleeping mortal disdainfully. âDefinitely a student.â He looked around. âAha, and thereâs the girl.â he said âComplete with excessive eye makeup. And look, heâs taken a nice mossy place to sleep and made her sleep over here on the dirt.â
51. âRight then,â Puck crouched next to the boy and let a drop from the phial fall into each eye. âI am on FIRE tonight.â smiled Puck, allowing himself a small victory dance. A twig snapped somewhere nearby. Frozen, Puck listened and detected the sound of approaching footsteps. Grinning at the sleeping figures for one final time, he disappeared into the forest.
52. Helena stumbled through the trees. She had long since run out of tears, but now had a collection of bruises and large tears in her tights instead. She didnât know how long she had been wandering any inkling of where she was going. Her thoughts were providing plentiful distraction from such matters. As she dragged herself onwards, she caught sight of something bright in the corner of her eye. Helena found herself making her way towards it, and as she grew closer realisation swept achingly over her. âXander?â she groaned. Just what she needed. âXander?â He mumbled something indistinct and pushed himself up from the ground into a sitting position.
53. âXander what are you doing here?â she asked as he rubbed his tightly closed eyes. âWhereâs Heffalump?â As if hearing her for the first time, he turned to face her, opening his eyes. âXander?â she said nervously. His bright hair framed wide eyes and a goofy smile. His expression had the mystified vacancy of a drunken toddler. He was staring at her. âXander?â she asked again, unnerved. âWhereâs Heffalump?â âWho?â he said finally. âHeffalump! What do you mean who?â âLooking at you wipes everything else from my head... But youâve been crying! Whatâs wrong?!â
54. âOh,â she said quietly. The renewed presence of her anguish distracted her from her present confusion. âItâs Demetri, he-â âThe bastard!â cried Xander, making Helena jump. âIâd like to smash his pretty face in.â âXander! How can you say something like that? Heffalump loves you, be content with that.â âBe content with Heffalump?â he whined. âI regret every second Iâve ever spent with her.â âThey were seconds I should have spent with you.â Staring at her with misty eyes and the same goofily mesmerized expression, he raised a hand to stroke her cheek. Appalled, Helena slapped his hand away. âWhat the hell Xander?â she said disgustedly. âWhereâs Heffalump?â
55. âWho cares!â he said, still smiling vacantly. âI will never bother to think of her again. I will spend every moment thinking of you.â âWhy are you doing this?â sighed Helena. âIt isnât funny you know!â âOh Helena,â he giggled. âI would never joke about my feelings for you! Let me show you-â He attempted to pull her close to him and Helena flailed disgustedly as she pushed herself away from his lips which were puckered expectantly. âGet off me!â she yelled, furiously shoving him away from her.
56. âWhat the hell is wrong with you?!â She hurried away from Xander, only to have him pop out from behind a tree in front of her. âHow can I be responsible for the way I act under the control of the feelings you have inspired?â he smiled. âWhy are you being so cruel?â âWhy am I being so cruel?â she repeated in disbelief. Xander just stared at her, still smiling the same infuriating smile. âLook, Iâve had a crap enough night without you making fun of me, so just leave me alone!â With that, she hurried away, her fresh distress spurring a new burst of wholly uniformed motion. To her dismay, it wasnât long before she became aware of Xanderâs pursuit. Wiping away tears, she picked up speed, cursing love and the agony it caused.
57. Heffalump awoke from a deep slumber, scattered with strange dreams. She rubbed her eyes and looked up at the dark canopy of the trees. She shivered and wondered how long she had been asleep for as she rubbed her arms, trying to coax some warmth into her flesh. It couldnât have been long, but the night was so much colder now and there was a marked change in the atmosphere. The forest felt stern and unwelcoming now, the leaves rustled disdainfully in a suspicious breeze. Unsettled, she shivered again and stood up quickly, deciding to wake up Xander; one smile from him was enough to make her feel safe. As she edged nervously through the claustrophobic proximity of the trees, she became very aware of her pounding heartbeat. Heffalump increased her pace, pushing malevolent branches out of her face that caught her with bitter scratches. She couldnât hear Xanderâs snoring. She moved even faster, tearing her way through the foliage. It was a short distance and yet she felt that she had been walking for hours. Finally, she emerged into the small clearing that the reluctant trees had yielded in which Xander had settled down for the night.
58. But he wasnât there. âXander?â Heffalumpâs ordinarily blithe and cheery voice trembled with the unfamiliar sensations of fear and unease. âXander?â she tried again, louder this time and the tremble grew more pronounced. A whispering laughter arose as a disdainful breeze rustled the leaves that watched as Heffalump wrapped her arms around herself and stared anxiously out into the unsettling gloom of the forest.
59. âAnd now, prepare to meet your DOOM!â âNo! No! Please have mercy! Noooooooo!â âAaaaaannnd, thatâs the end of that scene!â smiled Hiro âGreat work Ando. Now what do we still have to go through?...â He produced a clipboard and began to search through the attached sheets. âRight... So weâve done the hover bike chase, the submarine scene and the moon base...â Although the duo werenât aware of it, they already had an audience member- and he was certainly enjoying the performance.
60. âAre they serious?â Puck guffawed âTheyâre actually going to perform this?â As he often did, Puck had an idea. It danced temptingly in his mind. âOh I shouldnât...â He bit his lip as the thought performed an impressive arabesque. âBut I will.â He raised his hand and watched as a pulsing sphere of green light grew there. He grinned to himself and with a flick of his wrist sent the orb flying towards one of the mortals.
61. âAnd if weâve already run through the scene with the shark tank... Then next we should probably have a go at scene 8, yâknow, with the possessed goat?â He lowered the clipboard to his side, âAre you ready Ando?â he said, turning to face his friend.
62. âSuuuure am!â Hiro walked towards his friend, staring at him. âAmazing llama mask Ando, but there arenât any llamas in the story are there?â âWhat mask?â âOh yeah, very funny. Hey, how are you getting it to move when you speak and blink and stuff?â âWhat are you talking about?â âItâs so life like...â breathed Hiro, impressed. He raised a hand cautiously to touch a furry cheek. âThat really is incredible, maybe we should add some llamas so we can use it. Can I try it on?â He seized the ears and began to tug and pull, trying to lift if off. âOW! Hiro stop it!â yelled Ando, âWhat the hell?!â Hiro stopped and had an impossible thought.
63. He pushed the hairy chin upwards, searching Andoâs neck for the edge of the mask. He didnât find it. He stared at Ando in incredulous silence. No way... â Whatâs going on Hiro?â As Ando spoke, the mouth opened to reveal a very real llama tongue, a set of undisputable yellow llama teeth and a stench that was undeniably llama breath.
64. âHiro?â Hiro stared at him, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. âHiro? Whatâs the matter?â Ando took a step forward. âAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!â âHiro?!â Ando watched as his friend vanished into the gloom of the forest, utterly bewildered.
65. After wandering aimlessly in the forest for some time, Ando frowned and crossed his arms, coming to a halt. âHe must be playing another one of his hilarious practical jokes.â he scowled. âTrying to scare me... But Iâll show him... Iâm not afraid.â A bird cried somewhere in the shadows of the trees and Ando flinched despite himself. He began to sing to himself to stiffen his resolve. He reached the end of his song and once more felt the oppressive quiet of the forest closing in around him. âCrivens, thaâwas like the sound oâthe finest gonnagle! Ach, bigjob. Sing again!â Ando forced himself to turn, very slowly, in the direction of the voice.
66. The voice belonged to a woman as far as he could tell. A beautiful woman. A beautiful woman who was walking towards him. âI cannae believe that yer looks arâas attractive as yer voice.â she breathed, smiling bewitchingly as she got closer. âErr,â said Ando nervously, looking around. âAre you talking to me?â She laughed, leaning forward and looking deep into his eyes. âTherâar no other gorgeous bigjobs with gonaggle voices are there? Aye, there cannae be anyone else lighâ you in theh world.â She paused. âBut I dunnae know the name oâthebigjobthah I love!â
67. âEr, my nameâs Ando. But wait, Iâm sorry,â he spluttered. âYouâre saying that you love me?â âMore thannabottleâo Granny Achingâs Special Sheep linament, the bloodâa my enemies anâan open bar.â she grinned, her eyes didnât seem to be quite in focus. âSo howâa bout it?â Ando found himself in quandary. A breathtakingly beautiful, if rather brusque, woman seemed quite insistent that she was in love with him. But, aside from the absurdity of the situation, there was something dangerous about her, something frightening. âEr,â he said, cursing his total lack of charisma âIâve got to go Iâm afraid. Not that it isnât a very flattering- I mean- Iâd love-But I have to-â A fire sprang up behind the womanâs eyes. âNO.â âNo?â Ando asked weakly. âYou cannae be offski!â she said firmly, her eyes still burning. âI canât?â he squeaked as she seemed to grow taller before him.
68. âNo,â she whispered and Ando breathed a sigh of relief as she appeared to shrink to her original size, her eyes returning to their former shade of grey. âI willnaeâ be lettinâ you do that.â she smiled, taking his hand. âCome, with me.â âEr,â said Ando hesitantly. The fires instantly rekindled. âOk!â he squeaked hurriedly. A few moments later, Ando became aware that the woman was carrying him with ease as she strolled through the forest. Well, is she isdangerous, itâll be best not to argue with her. And you donât get an opportunity like this everyday after all.
69. After a short walk, during which Ando didnât quite manage to muster the courage to ask the woman her name, he was released rather abruptly and found himself in a glade of dazzling beauty carpeted by leaves of vermillion, gold, cerise and amber. Intriguing lanterns hung from the exquisite canopy of jewel like leaves and delicate blossoms. The gentle, organic glow that they emitted bathed the scene in ethereal light unlike any that Ando had seen before; it seemed to him that they had grown out of the trees.
70. He was still gazing in silent awe at the dreamlike setting in which he found himself when Fion yanked him roughly from the floor. âNow,â she smiled, pulling him close to her â my fluttery lasses will takâ care oâyouforra while,â Ando nodded abstractedly. âFLUTTERIES!â Ando did not hear anyone approach but suddenly found himself surrounded by four peculiar women. Somewhere in the midst of the illusory fog that had engulfed his mind, a part of him dimly registered that they had wings.
72. âAnâ this is Ando,â she smiled, gesturing that he should sit on the ground. âGive âim whatever he wants.â Fion had walked away and the four flutteries had closed in around him. âHow can we serve you mortal?â said Cobweb, grinning at Mustardseed. âEr....â said Ando. He no longer felt at all uneasy. The hazy blissful state in which he found himself assured him that his present situation was perfectly natural. âNow that you mention it,â he said, laying back on the ground with a contented sigh; it felt comfier than any bed heâd ever slept in. âI could really go for a carrot actually, or maybe some hay.â
73. â... So this Ando guy that I gave a llama head, stumbles through the forest and ends up right next to where Fion is sleeping!â âYou cannae be serious!â grinned Rob, eyes wide with enjoyment. âOh but I am!â Puck said gleefully, eyes shining. âAnd of course these mortals make such a racket... And she woke up!â âAnd she-â âShe fell head over heels for him!â Puck squealed, bursting into a torrent of laughter. Rob instantly followed suit.
74. âFion... all googly... for a bigjob... wiâtha llama heid!â he wheezed between guffaws. âBrillant Puck! Jusâ brillant!â At exactly the same moment, both Rob and Puckâs laughter died. They jerked their heads in the same direction, listening intently. âItâs those bigjobsagein.â smiled Rob âLesâ see how happy they are oonaccount ofâoourgenerosimity.â he said smugly. I can use fancy words too.
75. Heffalump stormed into view, closely followed by a distraught Demetri. âHeffalump wait!â She halted suddenly, wheeled around and slapped him hard across the face. Demetriâs pale cheek flared a painful red. He held a hand to it, staring at her in shock. âThe only reason I didnât punch you is because itâd probably kill you!â she spat âand then youâd never be able to tell me what youâve done with Xander!â âI havenât done ANYTHING to him.â he scowled. âYou seriously expect me to believe that?!â she roared. âI know that this has been a rough day for you but this is just pathetic!â
76. âHeffalump, I swear I havenât done anything! I havenât even seen him!â âOh yeah?â she shouted âWell, why should I believe that?â âLook, out of the two of us I think itâs pretty clear that IâM the more honest one!â Heffalumpâs glare intensified. Demetri sighed, giving up on anger. âHeffalump, letâs just go home. This is ridiculous.â âIâm not going anywhere with you.â she said defiantly. âNow tell me what youâve done with him!â âI havenât done ANYTHING!â he said yet again âDonât you see what this proves? You canât rely on him Heffalump. You canât trust him. Heâs just left you! How can you expect to have a happy future with a guy like that?â
77. âOh so thatâs your plan is it?â she shrieked, her eyes wild âTo drag of Xander and then make me think heâd abandoned me so that youâd look all dependable? Why donât you understand Demetri? I. DO. NOT. LOVE. YOU.â
78. Demetri watched her leave, finally sinking into aching resignation. He hadnât accepted what had happened. But he had accepted that it had happened. He was in a slightly different place now emotionally. And it hurt. He let his weary body tumble on to the ground and sat with his head in his hands. After a few moments he became aware that he was starting to drift off. With a final glance after Heffalump, he settled sorrowfully on the earth and was soon relieved of his woes by the blissful nothingness of a dreamless sleep.
79. Rob was staring at Puck with a glower of such intensity that it was generally reserved for the midst of a bloody battle, or drunken brawl at the very least. Indeed, it was rarely seen at all. Generally, one would hear the infamous Feegle battle cry of âThey can takâ oour lives but they cannaetakâ oourtroousers!â, see a flash of blue and orange and then, if they were lucky, would wake up some time later with several injuries and an empty wallet. âYehâve sprinkled the wroongbigjobyehspavie!â âHehe,â said Puck nervously, not meeting Robâs gaze. âYeah, I... Um... Well I didnât think that there was more than...Yeah, Iâve screwed this up.â
80. Rob strode over to where Demetri lay, muttering to himself angrily. âBloody mudlin.â He crouched down, unstopping the phial. âRighâ then,â he growled, turning back to face Puck. âIâll sort this bigjoboout anâ yoou can be offskitaâfind the lass anâ lead her this way.â he paused. âThe RIGHT lass ye ken?â âRight,â said Puck âWill do,â Robâs work did not take him long. Once he was finished, he repositioned the boy, then concealed himself and waited for Puckâs return. He did not have to wait long. Puck skipped into view and behind him came the sounds of two mortal voices. âHere she comes,â he grinned, winking at Rob and then hiding beside him. â And that other boy is coming too! This should be quite entertaining actually,â he whispered. âIt isnae a play Puck,â hissed Rob. âSorry Rob,â Puck whispered, trying not to grin. âPopcorn?â âWhere-SSSSSHHH! Sheâs coming.â
81. âWhy wonât you believe me Helena?â moaned Xander as he hurried after her. âThis isnât a joke! What kind of a joke makes the person telling it cry?â âWill you PLEASE stop spewing this crap!â she cried, stopping suddenly and spinning around to face him and whilst her eyes brimmed with tears, it was her rage that made those tears glisten. âGo back to Heffalump NOW.â she said forcefully. âJust go, if you leave now I wonât tell her about any of this.â âGo back to her?â Xander looked as if he was struggling to process the concept. âWhy would I do that when I could be with you? Iâd rather be abused by you than worshipped by her. And why would I ever want to keep the way I feel about you a secret?â
82. âWhat are you doing Xander?â she cried desperately. âAre you not thinking about Heffalump at all? Itâs not just me that youâre hurting with this.â âHeffalump has Demetri,â he said dismissively. âHe loves her as he doesnât love you. Accept that Helena and be with someone who adores you.â he held his arms out expectantly. Helena closed her eyes and stood in silence for a few brief moments. Xander kept his arms hopefully raised. Helena opened her eyes. âLeave. Me. Alone.â she said in a low voice. Xander opened his mouth to speak and stepped forward. âNO.â she raised a hand and began to back slowly away, her voice growing louder.
83. âI mean this Xander.â she was moving backwards slowly. âBut-â âLEAVE. ME. ALONE!â She kicked something as she stepped backwards. Puzzled, he drew her foot back and was about to turn around when she heard a familiar voice. âHelena?â Whether her voice or her boot was to blame, Helena turned around to see Demetri, having woken from his sleep and pulled himself into a seated position, gazing up at her wearing the same awe-struck, misty eyed goofy expression as Xander. âOh Helena Iâm so glad that youâre here!â he cried, leaping up.
84. He was immediately at her side, staring at her wide eyed. âLetâs never be apart again! I couldnât bare it.â Helena was too stunned to make any response. She watched as if from far away as he caressed her cheek and, upon seizing her hand, covered it in kisses. âI love you so much Helena...â
85. Helenaâs out of body experience came to an abrupt end. As she suddenly regained control of her being, she yanked her hand away from Demetri. âSo youâre in on this too?â she cried mournfully. âI suppose you both think this is hilarious donât you?!â Demetri and Xander stared at her, still wearing their infuriating slap happy expressions, and then, after a pause, both began to spew further declarations of their affection at once. âENOUGH!â she screamed.
86. Xander and Demetri fell silent. Somewhere nearby, an owl hooted reproachfully. âLook, I donât understand why youâre doing this,â sobbed Helena âbut youâve had your fun okay? Now just drop it!â There was silence again, but it didnât last long. âYeah Demetri,â said Xander angrily, âDrop it. Youâve upset poor Helena.â âNo,â Demetri scowled âYouâve upset Helena.â âNo YOU have!â âNO! You-â âXander?â the squabbling stopped at the sound of the new voice. Helena, Demetri and Xander all turned in surprise.
87. âXander?â said Heffalump quietly. âWhat happened? Where did you go? I was so worried.â âUgh,â groaned Xander, irritated by her arrival. âWhat are you doing here?â Deeply confused, Heffalump moved closer. âI...I was looking for you of course. Why did you leave?â âBecause I came to my senses!â he laughed. âAnd I needed to be with the person I love; beautiful, intelligent, amazing Helena.â he finished dreamily. âWha-â Heffalump stumbled. âWhat do you mean...â âJust go away Heffalump.â he said disgustedly.
88. âHelena,â said Heffalump, struggling to comprehend what was happening and turning to her sister for reassurance âWhatâs going on?â âOh youâre asking me whatâs going on?â sobbed Helena âThatâs rich!â âWhat do you mean?â âThe three of you ganging up on me like this! Letâs all make fun of pathetic old Helena! Thatâll be a laugh! How could you do this Heffalump?â
89. âI havenât done anything!â shouted Heffalump, roaring in indignation. âI have absolutely no idea whatâs going on here. And it seems that youâre mocking me not the other way around!â âOh well of course it would be wouldnât it?!â Helena was hysterical now. âBecause itâs always about you isnât it? Even now, your vicious little plot still has to be all about you. Well donât worry, Iâll leave you alone with your little fan club... Your conspirators and you can be the centre of attention and have a good old laugh at me. Yet more tears streaming down her face, Helena fled into the trees, leaving the others gawping after her.
90. âHelena!â cried Demetri. âIâll go after her!â But he was pulled back by Xander. âYou?â he scoffed. âIâll go after her.â âOh, yeah,â growled Demetri âBecause Iâm gonna let that happen.â They glared menacingly at each other, practically snarling. âOh Xander letâs just leave!â Heffalump wailed, tugging on his arm. âGet away from me!â Xander shouted, shaking her off. âWhy wonât you just leave me alone!â âBut Xander-â âGO AWAY!â He turned back to Demetri, fists raised- but Demetri having, seized the opportunity whilst Xander was distracted, had sprinted off in pursuit of Helena and was gone. âDemetri,â he snarled and dashed away into the trees. Heffalump, stared after him, then as if suddenly realising what had happened, she ran after him and vanished into the gloom.
91. Puck and Rob emerged from their hiding place. Rob walked over to a sturdy oak and began to rhythmically bang his head against the trunk. Puck meanwhile, was incapacitated by fits of laughter. âThat..was...HILARIOUS!â he spluttered when he managed to catch his breath. âPU-UUUCK!â âDid you see the look on the pink haired oneâs face?â he howled, wiping away a tear. âPUCK!â yelled Rob, reducing Puckâs laughter to silent giggles. âWe cannaeâ leave this midden like it is.â Puck nodded silently, still fighting to control his amusement. âMake sure thaâ they dinnae bump into each other agein. Theyâll already be pished so it willnae be difficult to send âemta sleep.â
92. âDemetri?â Xander bellowed, staring around him as he walked for any sign of his rival. âDemetri?â He heard a noise behind him and span around. Just a bird. He felt himself sway slightly as he stood. âWoah,â he said drowsily. âI didnât realise how tired I am...â He sat down on the ground. âJust a quick rest,â he told himself...
93. âWell, that was easy,â Puck smirked. âOne down, four to go.â âHelena?â Demetri called. He had been sure that he had heard a voice in the night, and then the sound of footsteps. But after he had followed them for a minute or so, the sound had vanished. âHelena?â He continued walking, purely because to stop would be to give up- and he couldnât let himself do that.
94. He felt his boot become caught just a split second too late. He hit the ground with a thud. âOw.â he said miserably, his voice muffled by the groundâs harsh embrace. A tree root. he presumed. He sat up and stared up at the scattered stars visible through a gap in the forestâs canopy. He surprised himself by yawning and this unexpected event brought about a sudden realisation of just how exhausted he was. Iâll just get my strength back...
95. It did not take Puck long to ensure that Helena and Heffalump were also lost in a deep slumber. âWaily, waily, waily,â said Rob tiredly, appearing at Puckâs side. âLeâs sort this oout then.â
96. âYou have thaâverra most magnificent ears Iâve ever seen Ando,â the woman sighed happily. Ando had never really thought about his ears being all that out of the ordinary and was therefore rather confused by this compliment, but he was flattered none the less and his current fuzzy state of mind didnât pay confusion much attention. Laughing, they fell back onto the leaves, cuddling close to each other.
97. âI dunnae think I can watch any more oâthis ye ken.â said Rob as he watched the unlikely couple roll playfully in the leaves from a position of safety- not that Fion would be likely to notice him in her current intoxication. His voice was a rich blend of revulsion, embarrassment, horror and, most prominently, shame. âYeah,â said Puck in a peculiar voice, âI thought that this would be hilarious but itâs more... Disturbing.â Fion and began to nuzzle their noses together as if they were courting squirrels. âI cannaetakâ it!â yelled Rob. âMake it stop! Put âemtaâsleepquieck!â
98. Just before dawn, as Fion began to stir, Rob moved himself into what he hoped to be a position of intense nonchalance. He had no idea how much she would remember about the events of the last few hours now that she was no longer under the influence of the Love Juice. Fion sat up slowly, rubbed her eyes and then moved her head quickly as if trying to shake off the remnants of sleep. It was during this movement that she noticed Robâs presence for the first time. She sprang to her feet, glaring furiously at him in her outrage.
99. âWhatâs gooinâ on?â she demanded. âWhere am I? Whatâre yooudooinâ here?â âFion,â he began. âWhat?â she narrowed her eyes. âWhyâreyoousmilinâ?â âFion,â he said again, âIâm sorry.â Fion stared at him incredulously. Then she glanced wildly at her surroundings as if she were expecting an ambush. âI dunnae want to fighâ.â Rob continued. âI didnae realise how daft I was beinâ, But I do now. Yehâwer right. Anâ Iâm sorry.â He watched nervously for her reaction. She smiled and took his hands. âIâm sorry too Rob, yeholâspavie.â He breathed a sigh of relief, and as he let his guard down, Fion leapt at him laughing wildly as they fell in a crumpled heap among the daisies.
100. âYoou, knoow Rob,â âMmm?â âI had a right oodd dream.â â...Oh aye?â He said, praying that she wouldnât notice the squeak in his voice or feel the rapid increase in his heart rate. âI dreamt I was all googly forâra... What was it? I cannae remember noow... A doonkeymaybeh...â âA llama?â âAye! Howâd ye ken that?â she asked in amazement. âErrr,â said Rob, âI...I jusâ know you soo well?â he suggested hopefully. âHmmm,â said Fion, âlucky guess I reckonâ
101. The sleepy fingers of dawn bathed the forest in a pale golden light. âThey have to be around here somewhere,â said Iris as they walked alongside the edge of the forest, largely to break the silence; she knew Hamlet would be worrying. âAre you sure?â âYeah,â said Iris casually, âXanderâs friend started worrying when he and Heffalump didnât turn up last night and according to him they were planning to cut through the forest. A short cut, through a forest, at night.â She sighed. âLike that was ever going to work out.â The trees bulged outwards just ahead, and as they rounded the corner, Iris stopped and let out a relieved laugh.
103. Heffalump, Helena, Demetri and Xander lay at the foot of the trees at the very edge of the forest, sleeping peacefully. âWell that was actually a lot easier than I anticipated.â smiled Hamlet. âYeah, but donât you think itâs odd that theyâre all here together?â said Iris âI mean they werenât exactly getting on well when they-â Godric and Hermione sprinted into view, panting heavily and by the time they arrived the sleepers were already stirring; pulling themselves wearily from the ground and staring around wearing expressions of deep confusion.
104. âWhat happened to you lot last night?â laughed Hermione. âErm,â said Xander, who was patting himself as if checking that he really was there. âI-â began Helena in a dazed sort of voice âI donât actually remember.â âA heavy night eh?â grinned Godric, winking at her. âNo,â she said âI just...â âI know what you mean.â said Heffalump âI just canât quite... It just keeps slipping away whenever I think I have it.â âIt all feels...like a dream almostâ said Helena âso strange...so fuzzy.â âYeah,â agreed Demetri âAnd yet I feel like Iâm seeing things clearly for the first time now.â
105. He stood quickly, and, taking Helenaâs hand, helped her up. âI have no idea what happened last night,â he began earnestly âBut I..â he stopped as he struggled to find the right words âI just...â he sighed. âIâve been such an idiot Helena. And I donât know why I couldnât see- But I do know- and I think that maybe I always-â he stopped again, frustrated with himself and then let his words rush out in a passion of communication âHelena Iâve been such an idiot but I love you and I think that Iâve known that for a while but for some reason I can only see what a prat Iâve been now and I wouldnât be surprised if you never talked to me again but if you could bring yourself to forgive me Iâll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it.â
106. His words tumbled to a close and he watched her nervously, as did the others. But they neednât of worried. Helena smiled and as she did so the watchers realised just how long it had been since they had last seen her do so. Her eyes were glistening, but with tears of a kind that was quite unfamiliar to them. She laughed and squeezed Demetri close to her. âIâm so sorry Helenaâ he murmured into her ear. âI know I should be angry.â she smiled as they pulled out of the embrace. âBut I just- I feel like I just couldnât be angry, or upset, or anything today.â Helena laughed and it was a noise that her family had not heard in a long time. âIâm so happy.â
107. âDemetri,â said Heffalump, walking towards the couple. âI just wanted to say-to apologise. Iâve treated you awfully, even when I was trying to help you. And I really am sorry.â Demetri smiled. âIâm sorry too. I wouldnât let myself see what you were trying to show me. And Iâve behaved like a right git, to you too Xander.â Xander grinned and waved his hand dismissively. âForget about it.â Heffalump let out a loud, tinkling laugh and pulled Demetri into a bear hug before bounding over to Helena and doing the same to her.
108. âWell,â beamed Godric as he watched his daughters, smiling and laughing wildly in the arms of the men they loved âthis is fantastic isnât it?â âYeah,â smiled Hermione but being a highly logical creature, she wasnât willing to let the mystery rest. âBut it still makes no sense.â she insisted âWhat the hell happened last night?â Godric spoke again, in a quieter voice so that only Iris could hear âDo you think that they must have er...â âOh yeah,â she nodded âtripping off their heads, the whole lot of them.â
109. Ando felt as if someone had filled his head with barbed wire. Thoughts hurt. Iâm in a forest. Why am I in a forest? He had been practising with Hiro... And then what? After a few minutes of searching, he retrieved a few blurry images from his memory. Crimson and gold... Lights growing out of the trees... A strange woman... Some bizarre dream... But a good dream nonetheless. Giving up on the mystery of the nightâs events, he heaved himself to his feet and busied himself with the more pressing matter of how he was getting home.
110. 2 weeks later... Anyone could perform at the Gotham Performing Arts Arena- for a small fee that is. And today, the ones paying that fee were Hiro and Ando who were performing âThe Surprising Adventures of Captain Algernon Drooble the ninja pirateâ. And gathered to support them was a crowd of family and simselves, tactically arranged to give the illusion of a larger audience. âGo Hiro go!â cheered Iris âDo whatever it is that your character does!â
111. CULTURE The cheerful chatter of the crowd fell to a hush as Hiro and Ando took their positions, ready to start.
112. âMr Spock! Somethingâs hacking into our systems! We have no control of the ship!â âThis is clearly the work of Dr. R. H Poker.â âThe notorious space fiend?â âIndeed.â âShould I try to reboot the systems?â âNo. That would be, illogical. We cannot regain control of them now. Only one man can save us now...â
113.
114. âCurse you... Algernon Drooble...â *dies* There was thunderous applause from the audience- well, considering how many of them there was anyway. All over the arena, people turned to their neighbour and asked âDid you have any idea what was going on?â and received the reply âNot a clue- but it was fun though!â Hiro and Ando took their bows and Hiro bounded off to receive the congratulations of his parents. Ando, unsure of what to do with himself, bent down to wipe some dust off the boots he had borrowed from Xander. When he straightened up, Liu was standing in front of him. âHi Liu!â âAndo that was AMAZING!â
115. âAww, thanks,â he said, blushing, âBut you donât have to say that.â âNo I mean it!â she said earnestly âIt was so... Exciting! And you managed to have so many characters even though there were only two of you!â âYeah, that was difficult but fun. I think I must have played about...â â39!â Ando looked at her, impressed. âI suppose you tend notice numbers when youâre a robot.â âNo- I mean yes, but.â She looked down and if she could have she would have been blushing. âWith you I was counting.â Ando began to feel a warm, tingling sensation spreading through him. âLiu,â âYes?â she said eagerly. âI donât suppose that youâd- I mean, I understand if you donât- but I... Would you like to get out of here and grab a bite to eat?â âWell, I donât actually eat.â she laughed. âOkaaaay,â said Ando smiling âWould you like to come and watch me eat?â âIâd love to.â
118. âOh Ando,â Liu smiled âI love you more than the moon and the stars and the- POETIC IMAGE #37 NOT FOUND.â âI love you too.â
119. âThatâs a shame,â said Farnsworth âBecause I overheard Andoâs cousin Maria- the pretty blonde over by the cake- asking Gail who that handsome robot in the tux was, and her father owns the Gotham racetrack.â âReally?â he looked around until he saw her. âYowza! Thanks.â âBut I thought you said-âshe smiled âBite my shiny metal ass meatbag.â âItâs not that shinyâ Farnsworth said sceptically. âShinier than yours meatbag.â Farnsworth watched Liu smiling and laughing as she joined the crowd of slap dancing guests. âAh, to be young again,â she sighed â...and also a robot.â Boom was not as pleased as his creator that Liu and Ando had fallen in love. âHumans dating robots is sick!â he argued, âYou wonder why Iâm still single? Itâs because all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!â
120. âHey Demetri- Oh my holy camel! Is that-?â âYup, Hermione and Horatio finally sorted themselves out.â âItâs about time! But how the hell did that happen?â âIâm not sure. I expect Hamlet played a significant part. But they were long past still being angry with each other anyway.â âI guess thereâs something in the air at the moment eh?â
121. âSo Hiro,â Godric had to shout to be heard over the music âNow that youâre all graduated, are you up for this trip to the far east?â âhell yeah! But what about the heirship?â âLauren will sort that out eventually. You have to give her time on these things. She can be a little...â âIncompetent?â âYeah.â
122. Soooooo, thatâs it. Iâm sorry it was so long. Believe me, it hurts me more than it does you. But I really hope youâve enjoyed it. The MILLIONS of trees made it awkward to shoot but at least I didnât have to do particularly difficult poses. Believe it or not, I will STILL have ANOTHER chapter before the end of this generation because I have some Hiro stuff planned. Nothing major, but he hasnât really had equal representation. I think Iâm going to get the heir poll up soon and leave it running for until after the next chapter with vote changing enabled. But Iâm off school so I do have more time now! Oh, and just so you know, Iâm not planning on turning this into a Shakespeare legacy even if it seems that way! Hamlet and A Midsummer Nightâs Dream are my favourites and it just worked out that I did them close together. I apologize for the Feegle speak, but if you know anything about them youâll know it was necessary. If we shadows have offended, think but this; and all is mended that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear and this weak and idle theme no more yielding but a dream.