Hlogi's words ~~ understanding relationships today

Hlogi’s Words 121
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Understanding
Relationships
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Today

Hlogi’s Words 121
−≈−
Understanding
Relationships
−≈−
Today
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WHEN A MAN SAYS YES AND A WOMAN SAYS NO.
WHAT HAPPENS IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP.
WILLIAM L. SEITSHIRO ‘HLOGI’

2015 by
WILLIAM L. SEITSHIRO
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, NIV, copyright 2007 by life publishers
international, all rights reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this book (Understanding relationships today) may be
reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case
of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
ISBN Assigned by National Library of South Africa.
Printed in South Africa.
ISBN-978-0-620-64182-1
Sponsored by Grace Abounds Ministry.
Published by William Seitshiro, email, blogging address and
postal address are written.
P.O Box 79282
Rethabile Post Office
Mamelodi East
Pretoria
0122

Hlogi’s Words 121
Understanding Relationships Today
General Editor
Associate Editor
Graphic Designer
Sifiso John Sithole

This is Dedicated to:
Kgomotso Ramasedi
I thank the Lord for the times we have shared and
may the Lord continue to bless you for being a
blessing.

ZEPHANIAH 3:17-19
The Lord your God is with you

To You:
May the Lord bless you for supporting my ministry
and reading my books. This may be a very down to
earth book and non-religious but I believe that many
will learn a lot from this book.
May the Lord bless my family for supporting me and
never looking down on me, my friends for helping me
with my work.

Donald C. Stamps
"The greatest concern in our prayers and in our
lives should be to bring honor to God.” (2007, 1279)

CONTENTS
Preface 12
Introduction 15
Relationships 31
Psychology of relationships 50
Hierarchy of Relationships 59
The head ‘man’ 60
The neck ‘Woman’ 62
Relationship problems 65
Generational change on hierarchy 80
Finance 82
Needs met? 87
Mr. or Mrs. /Miss Anonymous 90
Articles for women 103
Reference 149

12
PREFACE
Writing a book has become my addiction, it
doesn’t matter what I write about but I do my best to
finish and make something from it. Many might be
wondering what type of writer am I. Who am I
writing for? What is the purpose of me writing? And
my answer to many of those questions is I am a
writer and I love writing. Many of my friends have
failed to understand how I can open a word
document and start typing without knowing what I
am writing and searching further for more research
but I have learned something about myself and about
other people and life, that there is always something
to write about. When I wrote a short story book I
mostly wrote about my dreams (whether days
dreams or when I am sleeping), when I wrote my
religious book I wrote it out of desire to serve the
Lord, but now I am writing about relationships.
I understand the question, what kind of writer am
I, because in the writing world you find different

13
writers like novelists and poets/poetic and there
comes me who writes about everything. I have
learned something about myself, I do not
underestimate myself. I am a hard worker and I try
by all means to try something new and do it with all
my heart and might, no matter what the project is all
about it might be women, relationship, religion,
health, testimony, biography, novel or short story or
maybe poetry. All that I have learned from life is to
do my best with the gift that I have been given;
therefore limiting myself with a title is not
acceptable.
I wrote this book about relationships because I
wanted to understand how relationships work; I
wanted to understand what happens when this
happens, and what happens when that happens. I
wrote this book so that both men and women may
be able to understand that relationships are for two
people, and what they go through in their
relationships is not certainly what everyone will go
through, yet as people share their testimonies and as
I share my though people may learn from it and grow

14
rather than being ignorant and single all the days of
their lives.
In this book I answer questions that you always
had about him or about her; I also do have
anonymous conversations that I had with ladies
asking for advice. Every question considered stupid
when answered it reveals truth, might be self-
revelation or an illumination about a hidden sense of
truth in that particular persons heart. People always
consider questions stupid but when the question is
answered psychologists consider it a break through
because that person is starting to be free to share
what has been hidden in her heart.

15
INTRODUCTION
As a writer, I have grown into this knowledge that
relationships are very complex. Many other writers
may hold the fact that relationships are a job
description but from my stand point, they are
another revelation of how beautiful life can be if you
dedicate your life to living it with someone else. It is

16
not a job because a job while working you can do
something wrong and get fired, but it is an
opportunity to explore a different life style from how
you used to live to that best thing that another
person can make of you.
A few days ago I was chatting with my girlfriend
on Whatsapp and I told her about my current
situation, she started encouraging me just so that I
can learn how to be strong for both of us.
Relationships are meant to build each other, and by
building each other I actually mean in life. We build
each other in our religious views, principals, and
every aspect of our life’s where we feel we need
help. At the moment where I needed my girlfriend
that’s when she came in and motivated me. This is
the purpose of this book, to remind people who we
are and how relationships have transformed

17
throughout the ages but we should remain true to
ourselves and our partners about whom we are and
where we are going.
Though this book will be expounding more and
more about relationships and the changes that we
have come across throughout the years, it will also
be revealing the other important side of relationships
which is love and sex. The reason why I chose to
write about such sensitive issue was because I have
realized that we are moving from the recognition of
the importance of being in a relationship to a point of
what we think we need. Love, Sex, Relationship is not
about what men and women think about relation but
it is about how relationships should be.
The ultimate purpose of this book is to show
people the way. In our generation we have lost the
truth, we are invaded by the western traditions that

18
we have forsaken the rules and principals of why,
how, and when we should do things. We need a
guider, someone to show us the way and tell us the
truth, which is this book.
My intention is to be as transparent as possible,
in so saying, this is written for both male and female
so that it may challenge both genders in knowing and
exploring their partners more. Relationships are both
good and bad, they have their ups and downs and my
intentions are to let people know what to do. Many
people have questions and no answers.
Reaching out to people is my calling and that is
the reason why people listen. Being a young pastor i
have come to realize that people need help whether
in love, sex and relationships. There are many people
both married and unmarried who have no idea what
is wrong with their relationship, to be more precise

19
they don’t know what they need to do.
Love, Sex, & Relationship
Whether we like it or not we need to face the
face that relationships are for both a man and a
woman. What that means is that relationships are
about two people not three or four or ten. When a
man approached a woman he was clear about what
he wants from the woman and what he is willing to
do in order to get what he wants. Two people cannot
meat and say that they want to start a relationship
and other person like the mother or father have a say
in their relationship, Though that is one of the
methodologies that other cultures use in order to
make sure that the relationship will end up in
marriage.

20
There are many other methodologies those other
cultures like the western culture, which allows the
couple to make their own decisions and grow with
them because it is believed that they will then learn
responsibility.
There is ladder that one has to climb because in
order to be in a relationship. Psychologists may
contend anyhow, yet I found this to be a truly
working methodology that leads to a happy life,
which is step, one Love, step two relationships, and
step three sex. I was once asked a serious question
by a Christian friend who was bothered by my three
step rule, “William, why does sex come before
marriage” and my answer was simple, it doesn’t
because relationship means either dating or married
it does not mean dating only because the people who
are married are in a relationship. Even so, in our

21
generation we have people who do not believe what
we believe and they have sex no matter what and
you cannot blame them.
Step one: Love
Love is the most important factor of all kinds of
relationships. In our generation, we have developed
a fear of not being loved therefore we just give
ourselves without knowing what are the intentions of
the other person with us. Self-esteem plays a vital
role under this subtitle because without
understanding who you are and where you stand
with yourself people will always play around with and
take you for advantage. Before we get in a
relationship or before we plan to love someone we
need to understand who we are, and how much we
are worth to ourselves and family. Sometimes as

22
people we sell ourselves cheap not thinking about
ourselves and our families.
Love is defined as “an intense feeling of deep
affection and fondness for a person or thing; great
liking” (Tulloch, 906, 1993) and it is good to fall in
love with someone it is never wrong but the problem
with the 21
st
century love is that it comes with
conditions and sometimes both woman and man fall
for those conditions.
South Africa has portrayed this view of man
taking advantage of women by saying that when one
gets in a relationship they struggle because they have
to make sure that men are more satisfied in sex but
they never look at what woman do to man, many
men are forced into marriage and commitment when
they were not even ready. Both male and female
have needs, a typical mans need might be sex but a

23
man with a vision requires only marriage and
children along with a good Job. What about a
woman, a typical woman needs to get married even
if it means her giving you all the sex that you want
she tries to draw you into commitment because she
wants to marry, a woman with a vision requires a
man who is above her standards means if she earns
R60 000 the future husband should earn R100 000
even more. Men have always been seen as
hypocrites but as we have noticed both men and
women have needs and they would do their best to
get what they want.
It is imperative for us to chase after love than
needs. If you do not love the person then why get in
a relationship with them. Love plays a vital role in life
because if you marry the person that you do not love
then what about your children? What about your

24
happiness? Do we actually believe what the old
cultures used to believe about marrying now and
love will come after? We listen to songs that say
opposite attract like magnet and we think that’s how
it is going to happen with us. Friends let me warn
you, we are not like a magnet where opposites
attract, but were human where opposites kill each
other.
Step two: Relationship
The wonderful thing about relationships is that
they have passed the love stage. I find it imperative
thing for a couple to decide where to go from here,
when they now know where they stand with each
other. Love being an important factor of a couple,
after understanding that they are in love and they
want to grow even more with their love, they now
take it to another level whereby they get in a serious

25
relationship which Sara Tulloch contends
“Relationship is an emotional association between
two people” (1293, 1993).
An emotional association between two people
can be in dating or marriage, relationships does not
necessarily mean young two people dating, yet it
means two people connected in emotions. Being in a
relationship is a wonderful thing because that is
where many get married or renew their vows.
Our issues today are that we think when we are
dating that is the only time when we are supposed to
have fun and fun is a relationship. We also think that
when we are married and we do not have enough
fun, we are safe because fun things like movies and
small walks are for people in a relationship (young
couple not married), which is a wrong thought. There
is no spiritual definition of relationship because

26
relationship is relationship. We should have fun and
take walks like we used too, and go to movies like we
used too because being married does not mean you
should not have fun. We need to understand that
when we stop and say were not in a relationship we
mean to say we do not love each other anymore.
In South Africa, we have a lot to say about
relationship because of our history. According to
history when black people stood up and started
fighting against apartheid some of the people
fighting against apartheid were white. If it was not by
a white president who came to his senses and took
Nelson Mandela out of prison and allowed black
people to vote where would we be? Standing
together back in those days, white or black, rich and
poor showed that we had a relationship and our
relationship started because we have a common goal

27
to stop apartheid. We have more to say about
relationship than many other countries because we
were relational in spite of color.
In a relationship, the most important thing that
connects us is love. Since then we have that
connection, let us then pursue a new path it may be
dating or marriage. Relationship is a good thing but
for mature people who were connected by a
common goal which is love. I tell you the truth, if
your relationship is connected by the power of love
even though finances become an issue you will grow
from it, whatever one will do he/she will do it for the
other.
Step three: Sex
So many people have different views when it
comes to sex and sometimes it is exciting to hear

28
them. Many religions have a huge amount of laws
against sex before marriage which is a good thing,
some religions do not care. I have travelled around
and met new friends who have different views and
being a black writer it makes it fun for me to sit there
and listen. I have learned that if a woman is not
ready then the man should wait, but if a man is not
ready he is either considered gay or he is busy with
another girl outside.
It is fascinating how sex can be a huge thing in a
relationship and people do not realize that sex is the
main thing that is complicating their relationship. So
many people are ready to jump into a women’s dress
or pans but they do not know that eating that cookie
will cause complications in their relationships.
Whether we like it or not to a woman as soon as you

29
have sex with her, you are no longer a boyfriend but
a husband.
The world has taught us a different philosophy
that I do not understand that sex is just sex. I used to
think like that until I started having sex and I realized
that sex is a commitment. People view sex as a get in
and out thing but once you get in you can’t get out
easily because either you or the lady would want
more.
The reason why i placed sex as a last step is
because sex is a commitment. Our South African
generation is full of the ‘I know, I know’ attitude. Sex
has become the leading problem in our country
because many young people have children. Men do
not learn many girls want marriage and they would
do anything to get it even if it means giving you a
baby you do not want. There is a reason why your

30
religions say no sex because they know that you
might have a kid or be forced to marriage. Sex is not
just sex but sex is a connection which is meant for
people who are committed.

31
RELATIONSHIPS
I have found that the most important decision
that one would ever make is to be in a relationship,
because that suggests that the person has reached a
maturity state. So many people have their own
definitions but I believe that one will never

32
understand what relationship is until they get in one.
When we study modern relationships closely, we find
that people define relationships according to what
they face which may make the meaning of
relationships subjective.
Many young people divorce and leave their lovers
because they want to experience what others are
experiencing in their relationship.
What are relationships?
I recall when I was working at a campsite we
were hiking and I was the main facilitator. We took
the campers around the campsite to play more
activities. On that hot sunny day we had to go for a
hike, when we go to the place where we were going
we played activities and one of the campers twisted
her ankle, and when it was time to climb up the

33
mountain heading back to the campsite, she could
not get up because she needed someone to help her
with going up and getting to the campsite.
One guy tried helping her by carrying her but
people were very tired to help. I then took her and
carried her up the mountain until we arrived at the
campsite kitchen. She was thankful and from there
we became close. Same goes to relationship, many
think it is a simple thing that only one person can
handle without carrying about another person but if
we look into it a relationship is about two people
trying their best to make it in their love and making it
in life.
The word relationship comes from the word
relate and from there that’s where we see relation,
relational and relationship. We cannot say that we
are in a relationship if there is no connection in

34
between two people. When I carried the lady while
hiking until we arrived at the campsite I build some
form of friendship, which lead to us keeping contact.
This is the reason why people always speak about
finding the one, being in love, intimacy and
commitment. These revolve around relationship.
Finding the one
It always fascinates me how we always go around
the world looking for the one, while we know that
the one does not even exists. Many centuries have
gone by and many lessons have been learned from
seeing what people go through but we still preach
and encourage the whole subject of finding the one.
Finding the one might be a subjective form of
telling people that there is someone out there that is
exactly what you are looking for, which makes sense

35
because when you look closely to what people go
through after they have found that specific person
that they were looking for they wish that they should
have not searched.
Objectively, there is nothing or no one called the
one. Yes, we would love to think that there is
someone that is meant to be our, who will be an
exact representation of myself but there is nothing
like that. Objectively life has taught us throughout
many generations that when a boy thinks that he has
grown up and he is ready to face the world and find a
woman then that is when he becomes a man and
finds someone suitable for him.
I used to know a friend who believed in the
subjective side of relationships, which is finding the
one who matches your list of characters of how you
want your husband or wife to be, but after finding

36
such a person he married her and was happy for a
few years. After a few years of happy marriage he
started thinking that he made a mistake, she is not
what she wanted so he wants to get out of that
relationship.
I am not implying that you will be unhappy if you
find what you think is the one, but I am simply saying
is that as people we have faults but we learn to grow,
in so saying I have mentioned that relationships are
about building each other. When one meets a
woman he makes her the best woman she never
dreamed she would ever become same goes to
woman meeting a man. There is nothing such as the
right person, but it is about building each other and
becoming perfect for each other.
Love is a choice

37
I have learned from a friend that love is a choice,
let’s face it somewhere somehow as guys we thought
relationship is dating different people looking for the
one you love and would love to spend you whole
entire life with him/her. Ladies on the other hand
always thought that a relationship is when you find
that special person you love and want to hold on to
for your whole entire life. Our common agreement is
that a relationship involves another person, male or
female one cannot have a relationship by themselves
they need another person. It does not matter what
we go through but if I am alone then I am not in a
relationship.
I recall when we had a guy’s brai at Sam-Rand.
We were busy talking about our current relationships
and how they were going. One guy told us how his
girlfriend is only left by putting a tracking device on

38
him. He kept saying that his girlfriend keeps on
calling asking where he is and how are things like she
does not believe him. We might not know what he
did to her in the past but one thing that caught my
attention is when my other friend answered his
Whatsapp massage that comes from that guys
girlfriend telling her she should ask him why her
boyfriend is no longer answering his phone.
Sometimes woman can be selfish, when they go
out and a guy calls them they will fight claiming that
the guys does not trust them. I find it so funny how
things turn out in a relationship because if a man
goes out the lady calls then the lady calls. Is that fair,
well even man have their faults but love is a choice
we choose to stay with the people we are with no
matter the situation or their faults and downfalls but
we choose every day to love, even though you are

39
abused, we chose to love even though the guy does
not even take care of you or there is no sex or she
wants divorce we choose to love no matter what.
No person in the world ever said it will be easy,
they also never said it going to be hard but the thing
they always say even when you are getting married is
that you will go for a long ride that is challenging but
you will enjoy it no matter the situation.
I might have mentioned a few things but I want
to make you understand.
I have been dating my girlfriend for 1 year and 10
months (basically 1 & a half), before I met her I
always thought that relationships do not have to
have love but a mutual understanding, why we are
dating. Since I got saved I used to think that
relationships are all about sex, partying and all

40
maliciousness but I met a lady who started
challenging me to grow and become a guy who
knows what he want and know where he is going.
I have learned through her that 'love is a choice' I
went out with a couple of friends of mine to Samrand
where my best friend lives and we were talking about
our experiences as gents, how much we are
struggling and how controlling women are but I was
sitting there and I had nothing to say because my
girlfriend and I do not doubt each other.
A few days ago my sister in the Lord asked me
what I think about love and I said 'love is a choice'. I
said that because last year while I was away my
girlfriend cheated on me with some guy who was
bellow my class and status, she came clean and we
decided to separate on December. For three months
we separated, she saw me at church and I was

41
getting counseling. That evening she started calling
me. We spoke and I forgave her, after two months
she tells me she had sex with that guy. Broken
hearted as I were I forgave her because I choose to
love her and forgive her.
------------------
In all that mess, I made it clear that if she does
one mistake, I am going to move on without any
regrets
------------------
Bongi & Collin contend "The only kind of love
which God teaches us to Havre for each other is
unconditional. Unconditional love is the only love
which forgives, heals, builds, comforts, protects and
teaches. We all may understand love differently
based on our backgrounds and measure the love by

42
what we get out of the marriage; however, love can
never be measured. Unconditional love is the
greatest gift That you Will ever give to your spouse.
Everyone is capable of showing such a deep love to
their spouse; it is possible through God and the
purity of the heart. Oneness is anchored by
unconditional love" (2013, 15)
In my diary this morning I want to encourage you
to keep on loving, Bongi & Collin have foundationed
their relationship on unconditional love, that does
not mean they don't go through situations, what it
means is that they will give their relationship a
fighting chance.
Unconditional love heals, forgives, and builds.
Never stop loving because love is a choice.
Commitment

43
Commitment is the key thing in a relationship, yet
many people are afraid of it. I recall when I was
working at a guest house and my girlfriend always
wanted to know how much I am getting paid and
how are we going to get a house. She did not know
but I was so terrified at the thought of moving in with
her and I was busy debating if it was a good idea and
if I am ready. I always loved this lady and I want to
get married to her but I started making excuses like:
maybe this relationship is surviving because of
money, but that was not an excuse because she
spoils me more.
Commitment is tough most especially for men.
Women are easy loving so they think it is easy, as for
men, we don’t use our emotions to come up with a
conclusion but we think logically. Men and
commitment are not friends, we will always make

44
excuses but the day we stop making excuses and try
to meet her half way then we will get where we want
to get in a relationship. Women are right, when a
man is not ready to commit then that man is not a
man to waste time with.
Intimacy
--------------------
What is a relationship without intimacy and
romance?
Take a second to think about your relationship
and what you have went through with that man or
woman, do not think your better than him/her but
think about the whole relationship.
NOW YOU CAN ANSWER!

45
--------------------
Remember when we were kids, we would play
house. There would be the father and mother also
kids, boyfriend and girlfriend, there wouldn't be any
romantic kiss because you would be disgusted by it, a
relationship without intimacy and romance is a total
bore because there is nothing new to expect from
your partner. A relationship without these two
elements is just two people playing house.
INTIMACY:-
Bongi & Collin contend "Not only do people shy
away from talking about sex, but also there are
married couples who have never discussed their sex
life with each other...No one is a sex expect, because
sexual fulfillment varies from individual to individual,

46
oversimplifying it, is what often leads to frustration
and resentment." (2013, 45)
They continue...
"We believe that this is something a husband
should have at the fore of his mind always; to bring
happiness to the wife he has married. Finally, sexual
intimacy is not about sexual intercourse, you can
achieve sexual intimacy by learning to touch each
other. Notice that we said 'touch each other.' Holding
hands is not something husbands must do to their
wives; it is something they must both do to and for
each other" (Damans, 2013, 47)
Intimacy is not about sex, intimacy is about the
small things that couples over look, it is all about that
5 min that we spend talking about nothing important
but we enjoy it, it is about walking in public holding

47
hands and making each other smile, it is about
making sure that joy, peace and love reigns in the
relationship. We need to go back to the times where
money was never an issue but the only thing that we
cared about is being together.
ROMANCE:-
Bongi & Collin contend "Romance is often lost in
our busy routines and this is not good considering
that this is one of the aspects of your marriage that
you should be living out on a daily basis. Romance
should not be something that only happens just once
a year on Valentine's Day - it is a priority. Many of us
are not naturally romantic but we have good news
for you...YOU CAN ALWAYS LEARN! Romance is
defined as a feeling of excitement and mystery
associated with love. Where there is love between
husband and wife, there should be romance. We

48
tried our best to be romantic in the beginning of our
marriage but when we had our kids, our attention
was shifted to what we thought was more important.
We started observing other seasoned couples and
discovered that it is not the 'over-the-top things' that
are romantic but the 'small though-out things' that
will leave your spouse swept of their feet. While it is
good to splash out on romance once in a while,
sometimes the little you can do could be the best."
(2013, 49)
Romance to young people has become the last
things that are important in a relationship, we always
assume if we buy things for our partners we think
that is being romantic. We need to make time in this
busy world to go out with our partners or give them
massages, breakfast in bed etc.

49
As we were growing up we were talking about
how we want to propose and how we want to treat
our spouse's with romance and love but we do not
do it because our focus has shifted. We need to wake
up, shake up, and get romantic before we lose out on
the best things in our relationship.
In my diary this morning I want to say, intimacy
and romance complement each other and without
both of them in your relationship then either you are
going to lose your partner or your relationship will
depend on sex.
We need intimacy and romance in our
relationships to save them, because in this day and
age divorce is a norm and broken relationships are a
norm.

50
LET US BE A GENERATION OF CHANGE, A
GENERATION THAT GOES ALL OUT FOR OUR
RELATIONSHIPS.
Psychology of relationships
The circle of us (Openness with each other)
Bongi & Collin contend “Remember that marriage
is possible only because the two of you saw enough
in each other to agree to become one and this
promise should never be betrayed.” (2013, 61)
Being open in a relationship is the toughest thing
that one can ever do. As men we always make
excuses so that women won't see that we cannot be
open fully to them, we make excuses like 'I don't
want to tell her because she will leave me, or it will
hurt her'.

51
Relationships are tough for most people simply
because when they think about being open to their
spouses or the person they are dating at that time
they feel like they won't be free to do what they
want, they will feel trapped in their relationships.
I have dated many people in life and I tell you
relationships are not tough, they are simple because
the more open on is to their partner; the more they
grow in understanding and knowing each other's
strengths and weaknesses or likes and dislikes.
One guy I know once told me that when he got
married he lived with his wife in a one room shack
and it was the best time of his life because they knew
each other more and besides the was nowhere to
hide, when you wash your partner is in the same
room, you love, laugh and live together.

52
As men and women, we need to be able to let go
of our insecurities and our shame and fears and be
open to our partners. Being open helps your partner
to be open minded when it comes to certain stuff in
your lives.
--------------------
How open is your partner?
Do you trust that he/she is honest in his/her
openness?
Are you open?
Are you honest with your openness?
Take time to answer those questions because
they will help you in your relationship.
--------------------

53
Bongi & Collin say "Oneness requires that the are
no barriers between the two of you. It requires that
you grow to a level where you can be spiritually,
emotional and physically naked with each other
without fear of judgment or rejection. In order for
you to be vulnerable with your partner, you would
need to know that it is saga to do so and it will be
safe to do so when there are no negative
repercussions such as rejection or judgment"(2013,
60)
They continue
"Let him or her know your fears and your
weaknesses, he or she should and will protect you
when and if they know." (Damans, 2013, 60)
In my diary this morning I want to urge you, be
open to your partner because it is through openness

54
that you become one, and it is in that stage that
you're love for each other will grow, and mature.
Relationships are not meant to make you feel like
your partner knows too much about you, or make
tour feel uncomfortable but they are meant to
challenge you to grow, spiritually, emotionally, and
physically.
BE OPEN, AND LIVE OPENLY.
Going through things together (Honest and
transparency)
---------------------
Bongi & Collin wrote "Honesty and transparency,
build a strong and healthy marriage. These are very
important to remember all the time. No marriage can
survive without these." (2013, 69)

55
Honesty and transparency are key things in a
relationship. We have to be honest and transparent.
--------------------
When we are honest and transparent our
partners will find it easy for them to be open also.
They would find it easy to tell you about their faults
and temptations, they would be able to tell you
about anything. It is through that anything they tell
you that you trust them and build your relationship
on principles of honesty and transparency because
not only has it become something you would love to
do but it has become your lifestyle.
Without honesty and transparency then we fail in
our relationship because that would suggest that we
are hiding things, most possibly seeing someone else.
In this day and time we need to love our spouse's,

56
respect them enough to be honest to them and
transparent to a point that they knows everything
about us, that's what relationship is all about. We
have to grow out of cheating or hurting our spouse's
because we are one with them.
This generation is a generation of technology; we
have laptops, emails, cell phones, social media and
many more things. There are many things that one
can do with their phones, you can also cheat on your
phone, watch porn on your phone and do all
malicious things. We need to be honest and
transparent.
"Nothing hurts more than being betrayed by your
other half. Finding out there are things they have
been hiding from you could be so devastating and
the wounds may take forever to heal. Most times
when you speak of honesty and transparency, people

57
only think of identity. Any form of deceits and is
devastating even when it does not involve sexual
intercourse." (Damans, 2013, 69)
They continue...
"Honesty must not be exercised harmfully.
People sometimes adopt a 'brutal truth' approach,
forgetting that the intention is to build and not
destroy." (Damans, 2013, 70)
In my diary this morning I want to encourage you,
being honest helps the relationship because honesty
is a principle that a couple should follow, and being
transparent helps your partner to know you more,
you strengths and weaknesses.
My encouragement is as follows, do not be a
room that is locked down, instead be open to your

58
partner. Let honesty and transparency reign in your
relationship.

59
Hierarchy of Relationships
Without hierarchy many things cannot be taken
serious, we need a structure in order for us to
understand who is who and who falls under whom.
In South Africa structure or hierarchy is imperative.
As many countries may know, we have 11 official
languages and under those traditions there are tribes
an in every tribe a women follows the man. Over the

60
generations many things have changed, the hierarchy
of relationships even man depend on women
nowadays.
The head ‘man’
The man has always been the head. When we
look into history, women had no say at all as a
matter of fact in history most religions would allow
men to say that they thank God they are not women.
Other religions would hold the theology that
suggests that if a man would be found sleeping with
another woman while married nothing will happen to
him but if the woman he is sleeping with is married
she would be stoned to death. Throughout history
women were treated like animals, therefore they
were forced to be followers not leaders.

61
I find that in our generation it is not necessary for
women to be treated like that, yet I still contend that
women are emotional therefore cannot lead. When a
women is a CEO in a company and when she goes
back home she becomes a CEO to the family. I was
reading an article of a CEO lady who testified to that
and she said she can’t help it because she is liminal
and when she adopted to her leading at work then
she started imposing things to her husband until the
man left and she saw that she was wrong. Women
are not fit to run a relationship, which is why men
should.
Visionary of the Relationship
Men are the visionaries of the relationship, they
are the ones that know if they want to marry or just
continue playing around. Not to say that women do
not have the same thing in their lives that dictates

62
whether they are ready to marry or not. Yet when a
lady plays around there are guy they love and get
disappointed along the way, but when the man
decides that I want to marry her, then her life
changes.
Guides
Men guide, yes. They come up with a vision and
they make it clear as to what they expect from the
family and every member individually. Yet the person
important is the vision carrier, which is the woman.
These two people are important and need each
other.
The neck ‘Woman’
Though women are defined as followers they play
a vital role in a relationship. Sometimes we look
down on women but if we look closely we will find

63
that the saying ‘behind every successful man there is
a woman’ is true. Whether we like it or not women
are power in our generation, they are either
successful or make men successful.
Vision carrier
In business class we spoke about the difference
between a leader and a manager. I said: a leader is
the one that has the vision whether for the business
or the activity at hand, and the manager is the vision
carrier who makes sure that the vision will be seen
visible by the clients. A woman is a follower in a
relationship, meaning that she manages the
relationships; she makes sure that everything is ok
and everything is still going smooth.
As bias as it sounds, managing role has more
responsibilities than being the CEO of the

64
relationship. She is a vision carrier and when she
manages, she rebukes, she suggests new things for
growth, etc. a lady plays a vital role because without
her being in that position and playing her role then
the man fails in most things in his life.

65
Relationship problems
Sex
Sex is very weird and expensive. People think that
sex is cheap and you can get it anywhere. Here is the
reality of things, there wiol never be a beter sex than

66
what your woman or man gives because it is full of
love, yet it can be expensive beacuse of the children
that will come out.
Love, respect then sex
I read a book a while ago and this man contends
that as people we love to shy away from subjects
that have sex in them. I am a young pastor and in my
walk with Christ i met this family that treats me like
one of their own family members.
Since i have met this family, i started seeing and
understanding that Christians always avoid the topic
of sex. Might be sex in marriage/any type of
relationships because they are afraid that young
people would go and try to experience what they are
talking about.

67
I believe that the church should exhaust the topic
of sex because people should understand that sex is
only good when we do it in the boundaries of
marriage. I have grown to understand that if we do
not teach people that are married that Love and
Respect in a relationship is more important than sex,
then people will understand that sex is just another
blessing from God because sex was never meant to
be the key thing in a relationship but it was meant to
be the cherry on top.
We need to be a generation of no, Most
especially women/ladies. In this generation it is easy
for a guy to come in the picture sleep with a woman
and after leave them like nothing ever happened. If
only this generation life is simpler, you get a woman
and get what you want and leave them, yet in the
past you were forced to marry for you to get what

68
you want. We are overwhelmed by a community of
poverty because people are having sex and leaving
women with children.
WHAT HAPPENED TO A NO SEX GENERATION
UNTIL MARRIAGE?
In this day and age, people are divorcing because
of lack of love and respect; they even got married
because they had a child. We need to be a
generation of change; we need to change the view
that we are a generation of many children and no
love and respect in the relationship to being a
generation of a better future that is overwhelmed
with love and respect.
Sex Complicates
There are three things that are important that
people should understand most especially women.

69
(As I said in the beginning, this book will have sides
but it will be for both gents and ladies):-
1. Hide the biscuit get marriage
This morning I have to say, it is great to be a man
in this day and age. I have grown to understand that
in spite of what men go through to get married and
love their spouse's, or even though their spouses are
the ones who did wrong, we are still the ones to be
hated.
From a young age we were taught by our parents
to be real men who don't hurt women but there are
women who still consider men wrong. Love has no
value when the man is the only one loving and the
wife is giving up but it has value when the woman
loves and the man is not.

70
Yes I agree there are bad men out there but not
all men are bad. I have heard many saying regarding
men:-
Men are dogs, Men are pigs, Men only care about
themselves, and Men only want sex. "For man, it's
less complicated: he liked what he saw from across
the room and now he's going to go over there and
get it. He doesn't care anything about your
personality or what you do for a living; your friends
mean nothing to him, and whether you know Jesus is
irrelevant. He just wants to know if he might be able
to sleep with you, and he's talking to you to
determine exactly how much he has to invest to get
what he wants. When I say, 'invest', I'm not talking
solely about monetary values; I'm talking about your
values-your requirements. He's trying to see if your
'price' is too high, if it's affordable, if he can get it on

71
credit, whether he can get it tonight. If you don't lay
out any requirements, then you're free-game on. He
knows he can get you to bed with a minimal effort."
-Steve Harvey
Let me talk about bad men:-
Men are typical; I have realized that sex is the
most important thing that we need fro. Women, if
we cannot get it then we do not waste our time, we
move on to the other lady. Is it wrong? Other might
say no but others might say yes. I find the answer to
that question irrelevant simply because what
determines a real good man is how he treats women.
When he open a door, when he cares about her
wellbeing and white she is.
Women the moment the guy starts focusing on
how you look than who you are, you should run! Or

72
rather if a man walks to you and says I noticed you
while sitting with my friends, run! Because they
either made a bet or he wants to play with you. Men
of this day and age do not care about love, future,
kids and family. They only care about the cookie jar.
You need to be strong and wise enough to flee
from such people. Sex should not be the reason why
you are in a relationship with someone. Sex should
be a cherry on top. Sex should be practiced in
marriage so that you may love only each other and
share that gift together. Hide the cookie and get
marriage.
2. Give the biscuit when he gives you his
name
I have always hated these rules that people make
regarding women's sexuality, how they should

73
protect themselves from bad men. Now I know, I
know that it makes sense to protect you as a woman.
In this day and age good men are hard to find most
especially in church, corporate world and among
friends.
I have been reading a book by Steve Harvey 'act
like a lady and think like a man' out of that I have
learned that all men are bad with no doubt the
presented his case and now he speaks about women
closing the cookie. He speaks about three ninety day
rule. And I admire that but I still contend that women
should hide their cookies until marriage, once you
open up to a guy and give him the cookie then he
might not marry you.
We need to understand that relationships in this
day and age are complicated, and if you give what is
supposed to be hide then you stand a chance of not

74
getting what you always wanted. In this day and age
we (man and woman) always focus on making others
happy than making themselves happy.
"Of course, you've got to use your ninety days
wisely; a probationary period means nothing if you're
not putting this guy through the paces. During that
ninety-day period, you should be checking him out-
does he come when he says he's going to come; does
he call when he's going to be late; does he like and
care about your friends and, if you have them, your
children; does he express his joy at being in your
presence? Most important, is this really a man with
whom you can see yourself in a committed
relationship? Or do you see signs that make you God-
given intuition kick in?"
He continues...

75
"Give it abreast ninety days, and you can smoke
all of that out of him, so that you can be sure that
this guy is the right man for you. After all, it's your
right to want what you want-and to actually get it." -
Steve Harvey
It is hard to find a decent man or woman in this
century simply because we try to make people happy
by giving out the cookie than receiving the ring. By
decent I actually mean innocent, virgin, and who
loves you for you. We cannot live lives like that, both
men and women need to take the stand and protect
themselves.
3. Men and women have needs
Man's needs are easy to be met, yet I encourage
people always to find themselves in their husbands
or boyfriends dream. In most cases women support,

76
love and have sex with their spouse's because they
are willing but some do it because they have found
themselves in spouse's dreams and visions.
What a man need every women can supply it. I
have met different men who always say the same
thing women are the same and I always disagree, yet
again I met ladies who thought men are the same,
which I also disagreed. Many people always assume
that people are the same and they do not realize that
when you assume that people are the same you are
implying that their needs are the same.
Let's look into this. Women want a guy who can
go with them to buy grocery but other women are
too busy in the corporate world to get a man walk
with them to buy grocery, instead they need a
woman who can give them good sex. Others do not
want sex and to go to grocery store they only want

77
intimacy, no matter how long the husband or
boyfriend stayed at work and how stressed it was at
work she want to cuddle and kiss. Every woman
needs a different thing in this day and age.
What about a man, though at some point I concur
with Steve Harvey but depending on the career that a
man is busy with it plays around their need sector.
Some might just need help in their career while other
only need the wife to understand, some only need
sex while other need their wives wherever they are
and others need space.
Needs and wants in this day and age are very
imperative because those needs and wants
determine where the relationship is going or what
priorities of the person are.

78
Steve Harvey contends "It really doesn't take
much to make us happy. In fact, there are only three
things that pretty much every man needs-support,
love, and 'the cookie.' Three things-that's it. And I'm
here to tell you that yes, it's that simple. What we
need never weakness or waves-hardly ever gets
more demanding or harder to achieve. In fact, I'd
argue that it's easy for a woman to give her man
support, love and sex because it's in her makeup-
support and love are things that women dole out
innately and freely. You just call it something else:
nurturing. And if you love a man enough to nurture
him, then I'd argue you love him enough to be
intimate with him. So those three things come
natural to you. And this is all your man wants from
you."

79
In all that we go through in life, I have found that
most men are still typical; the only thing they need is
sex. No other thing. I build my life to encourage
women not to entertain men who only care about
how they dress and how they look but they should
invest their time on people who love them in heart
and in there most inner place which love and glowing
positive character inside.
Steve Harvey makes it clear that in this day and
age it is easy to actually please a man than it is a
woman. The most powerful tool that a lady should
know that a man needs these three things or he
would feel like the lady is not making any effort to
make the man happy, beside as men we go through a
lot to make sure that women are happy and feel well
taking care of, in the same way why can't women do
the same thing.

80
It is imperative to have equal rights in the
relationship and also for all the needs for a man and
woman met within the relationship because that will
make it easy for your relationship to grow.
Generational change on hierarchy
Are men and women different?
What is the difference between a man and a
woman, is the genital sex, is it the deep voice. From
my side there is no difference, men are just insecure
to a point that they need power so that they can be
heard, get what they want and most of all be on top
of the relationships.
Woman on top
I for one am so contemporary to a point that I’ve
come to realize that there is nothing wrong with

81
women being on top and running a relationship. Ops!
Nope not this time, we as men make many mistakes
and when we realize that we made a mistake we
want to super impose laws in a relationship so that
the lady won’t go get another man.
-Why can’t men follow women?
A real man can follow the woman, to a certain
point of course. Like the ladies there will be a time
when the guy has to put his foot down and draw a
line, yet there is nothing wrong with a man following
a woman.
-Lobola determines Hierarchy of Relationships
Tradition most especially in South Africa suggests
that when I paid Lobola then I am the head therefore
a woman cannot tell me anything I am the head.
Well, can I just say that’s a whole bunch of rubbish,

82
men want to be the head because they are insecure
and they want power but if a couple agrees that the
woman will run the show then there is no problem.
Tradition should not call the shots in someone’s
relationship.
Finance
Money adds value to relationships
When we start thinking that money is not
important then we start losing the truth behind the
philosophy of money. Some people think that money
is not important but truth be told money plays a
much vital role to an extend that it can add value to
your relationship.
When a man takes out his lady, whether to
movies or hotels and restaurants or maybe even
marry her, then the lady would feel like there is no

83
one who can be matched to her man. Relationships
are predictable, and they are the same whether
Christian, Muslim, businessman or woman and etc.
relationships are the same and there is nothing you
can do to change that.
Have you ever heard that saying, ‘if you feed a
man then you win him over, and if you buy her roses
you make her happier’. You can buy her the same
roses almost every day and she will be happy and
give the most blessed sex ever, but if you don’t and
all you want is sex then you are in danger even if you
promised her that you will marry her.
Money runs your love
Money spices up your relationship with your
partner, it makes your partner fell special, and she
would feel like she was the only one in the world.

84
 Taking her to movies,
 Taking her to restaurants,
 Taking her to guest houses or
hotels,
 Going out on hikes and traveling
from city to city,
 Marrying her,
 Buying her flowers.
Theses thing are small things that should not
worry us but they worry the lady because if she does
not experience them she feels unloved. It is hard for
a man in these days, your girlfriend or wife might say
‘baby I love you even when you are broke’ she’s
actually saying go out and find a job. It is imperative
for the gents in our days to make something of them,
or else when you marry you will find another messed
up lady who slept with half of South Africa.

85
-To the gents
In our generation we have a lot of things
happening, we also have celebrities that are doing
things out there and people want to be like them. I
find it very amusing that relationships is also being
ruled by finances, I find it also interesting that if one
does not have money than his relationship is in
danger. There are people out there that have the
money that money and if you find it hard to acquire
it you may lose your relationship.
Yes! I agree that there are some ladies out there
that are truthful to their spouses but I contend that
there are others who are not. At some point of your
life you met that lady who dated you because what
you are wearing or what you are driving. The most
problem with men is that they are insecure; when

86
they do not have money they start feeling like they
are not men enough.
-To the ladies
The ladies do not have that much pressure when
it comes to finances whether they are well-of or
what, they do not have much pressure when it
comes to finances because they are women. Women
are considered beautiful and marriage worthy when
they are broke and they are still considered beautiful
when they are rich. We watch celebrities and we all
want to be like them and run relationships like them
but the problem is one we do not have.
Money runs your love in a sense that if you can’t
take the lady out then she feels as if you do not love
her. Love is important in a relationship, but I also

87
think that acquiring money in your career so that you
can support you girl is important.
Needs met?
When we talk about needs being met were not
only talking about financial or sexual needs but were
talking about ‘time needs’. What money cannot buy
time can buy.
Time
What men do not realize over time is that time is
important. When we are still dating and playing
around we make sure that we give them the time we
think they deserve, we make sure that we take walks
with them, we take them out every time, yet when
we marry we forget about the importance of giving
them our time.

88
The gift of time
Time when you are married becomes like a gift in
Christmas for a child, if we give these women time
they then make time for us so that all needs may be
catered for. The beauty of relationships is when you
get to do what you used to do when you were just
playing around, and that is what she is asking for
every time when you fight for grocery, school fees
and etc. she’s asking for you to give her your time.
Be there when needed
We need to be there when needed, we need to
be there when were not needed, all we have to do is
to just be there. Guys may think I am elevating
women than men but think about it, when you give
her what she needs you will get anything that you

89
need as the saying goes ‘when the mommy is happy
then the house is happy.

90
Mr. or Mrs. /Miss Anonymous
Anonymous number 1
At the point of selfishness with anonymous
Miss Anonymous: Listen I have nowhere to go
these holidays.

91
Hlogi (William): What happened to your house
with your family?
Miss Anonymous: My Parents disowned me.
Hlogi (William): What happened, what did you do
for them to use such hurtful words?
Miss Anonymous: I'm with this guy I met last year
and planning on marrying him.
Hlogi (William): Oh gosh...uhm ok. Listen go
home, make peace with your family then think about
marriage. Deciding to marry with that kind of family
issue is not a good idea.
1. Go home and love on your family.
2. Give them Time to digest that you want to
marry.

92
3. Give them Time to digest that you are with a
black guy.
4. Collect your thoughts and don’t sell yourself
cheap because if you follow him, without your
families blessing then you are not going to get far.
Because there will be no family support.
5. Go back to them and say mom, dad, I love him
and I am not leaving to marry him unless you bless
us.
6. If they say no, give them a little more time.
And treat them like nothing happened until the right
time comes. Please I know you’re in love with him; if
he loves you he will support you.
Please take my advice for it is better for you not
to marry than to marry without your family. Give
your family time to think about you dating, and you

93
dating him. All ladies out there please do not sell
yourself short to any guy and lose out on your family.
Most marriages happen outside family blessings and
they are not successful.
I want you ladies to grow, not to hate men but
love them with boundaries. Sometimes you feel it as
a woman that this guy only wants sex. So leave him.
Many ladies get married young because their
boyfriends can’t hold themselves; they want to have
sex and do that and that. Why should women give
into what a man wants? Most people are pregnant
today because they are selling themselves short to
men. Ladies let men chase after you, not you chase
after them.
Ladies as soon as you close your legs and say no,
as soon as you go back to your family and love them
and respect them, love your friends and be selfish

94
towards men then you are mature and marriage will
knock at the door.
BUT FOR NOW, GO HOME MAKE PEACE WITH
FAMILY AND FRIENDS. LIVE WITH THEM, LOVE AND
RESPECT THEM, BE SELFISH WHEN HE ASKES FOR SEX
MAKE SURE HE UNDERSTANDS THAT EVEN IF HE
LEAVES ITS FINE BECAUSE THE RIGHT MAN WILL
COME TO MARRY YOU.THEN MARRIAGE WILL COME.
I want to encourage you, DO NOT SELL YOURSELF
SHORT.
AT THE POINT OF YOUR SELFISHNESS MARRIAGE
WILL COME!
Anonymous 2
Don't be his trophy but his wife in marriage not in
words

95
Miss Anonymous: Hi Hlogi (William), I don’t know
if you help out all people but I sent you an inbox
because I want to know if he will marry me.
Hlogi (William): I am not a psychologist or a
sexologist but I am a pastor and writer.
Miss Anonymous: I know but I saw you post
where you helped out the lady who wanted to Mary
a guy she met the year before their engagement, I
thought that you can help me.
Hlogi (William): ok tell me what’s up!
Miss Anonymous: I have been dating a guy called
themba at my church, we have been seeing each
other for two years now and I love him. We always
have sex and sometimes I feel like that’s all that he
wants I feel like he is using me. I really think that we
are going to get married because he promised me,

96
but it seems like we only have sex when we meet. I
want to know, is he going to marry me?
Hlogi (William): When do you see him?
Anonymous: Weekends.
Hlogi (William): Does he tell you that he needs
you and he would love to hold and touch you when
he calls?
Anonymous: Yes, most especially when we
haven’t seen each other for a week.
Hlogi (William): eish, you have become like a
trophy wife, a trophy wife is a married woman who is
beautiful and is only good enough to be shown to
friends, business colleagues and acquaintances. You
have becomes a distributor of goods, you becoming a
trophy wife would be a very high position for you

97
because when he sees you he sees sex. You have
opened up to him too much because now your
chances of him marrying you are very slim because
you already gave him what he needs to cope through
life. You may find that he has someone else whom
says no to him and he loves her and wants to marry
her.
Anonymous: what should I do, I love him but I
can’t be with him if he sees sex when he looks at me.
Hlogi (William): Oh man, I am so happy you said
you can’t be with him if he sees you as a sex object; I
am excited that you are willing to take that step of
faith and say you would leave him. I have noticed
that the reason why people do not marry is because
they live lives that married people live. They sleep
together; the lady washes his clothes and gives him a
massage. They live like Hollywood's finest couple but

98
they are not really married.
Women In this day and age no matter how old
they are, they are cheap. If I want a one night stand
and have fun without strings attached some lady is
there, if I want a sex buddy I will find them. Woman
are cheap, but what would happen if a lady who
loves a guy and decides to say No!, no I won't be your
sex buddy, no I won't give you my body because only
my husband deserves it.
Lady anonymous and women around the globe
do not be cheap like cheap girls out there because if
you want to be married then you have to says baby I
love you but marry me first because as much as I
want to have sex with you I won’t because I am a
woman who wants to be someone in the future not
some cheap girl who people use as a bed to sleep on
leave when the bed gets old. If anyone is treated like

99
the anonymous lady then I encourage you tell him no
more sex, no more him getting his way with you.
If he gets angry or does not want to understand
or if he beats you, then you know he only wants sex.
Leave him, yes you love him and his probably
going to call and your life might be miserable for the
next month or two but as time goes on some guy will
approach you and hell marry you.
I encourage you ladies...DO NOT BE HIS TROPHY
OR HIS BED, BUT BE HIS WIFE IN MARRIAGE NOT IN
WORDS.
Anonymous 3
SELFISH DECISION
I always say that making a selfish decision is not
the worst thing that can ever happen. Sometimes

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making selfish decisions does not necessarily mean
that you should divorce or let go of your man or
woman, but making a selfish decision goes beyond
that idea of quitting because you are tired of all the
rubbish he or she took you through. Making a selfish
decision is also about finding your ex and forgiving
him or her for hurting you and letting go of all the
pain you had. Making a selfish decision is not a bad
idea, but it is an idea that works.
A lady friend of mine sent me a massage and told
me that she made a selfish decision also. She spoke
to her ex who hurt her badly. She couldn't let go of
the pain. Years later she decided to talk to him about
what he did to her not to condemn but to set herself
free, she wrote about finding a revelation on
forgiveness and decided to practice it.
Lady Anonymous:

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Yesterday I got a splendid revelation regarding
forgiveness. So I have set myself free of past hurts
and wrongs.
Why? Firstly cause your living an amazing life in total
oblivion to the past. I want that for myself. I don't
want to ruin my relationships because of what u did.
Secondly, it isn’t good for my relationship neNkosi.
No. . . . I do not want to be your best friend, I am
simply freeing myself because it’s not worth it. Have
a splendid life and goodbye.
Guy Anonymous:
I'm sorry please forgive me please I am aware I was
wrong but can u pardon my wrong because now I
have grown and I forgot about what I did.
Then I thought I was doing what every guy was doing.
Can’t we meet.
Lady Anonymous:
It's cool mfwethu, really it is.

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Guy Anonymous:
Can’t we meet somewhere for drinks and have a
chat?
Lady Anonymous:
Oh and i am deleting u ne. Not cause I "hate" u or
anything but we aren't friends.
Guy Anonymous:
Oh ok its cool. I hope all will go right with you.
Selfish decisions are not bad and they do work.
Letting go is not a bad idea but it helps a person to
live a life free from hurt, pain, worry, anxiety and etc.
because all the time she tried living her life she
would think about what the other guy did.
Friends I encourage you, let go (make a selfish
decision) and live your life. The only way you can love
a peaceful life is through making that decision
regarding relationships and not settling for less than
what you want.

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ARTICLES FOR WOMEN
She was excited when she finally got the love of
her life to date her. Well, you can say they were best
friends before, maybe that is the reason why she was
losing hope. The only thing they did best as friends
was to stand at the gate and talk until it was dark.
The love they had as friends was bigger than any

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couple would have, even though they have dated for
long. But finally she had received what she wanted
for over 3 years, yes! She was not noticed then but
now she is the center of attention. For all her life she
was in love with romance, because all she ever knew
was love and romance. Being a 34 year old virgin she
never experienced love and romance. When the time
came she could not hold back to show how happy
she was to be in a relationship with her best friend.
Having dated her best friend for over 5 years and
having had the sex that she was saving for her ideal
man now everything becomes dry. The sex is not
spicing up the relationship anymore, she feels like
she is losing the love of her life. Love is there but the
relationship is not centered around romance
anymore. Though she is engaged, still she needs
something more from her best friend. Confused as

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she was she tried to search online for help but no
one had any reasonable answer to her problem. All
she needs at this moment is to re-construct her
relationship, but she has no proper foundation.
RE-CONSTRUCTING YOURE
RELATIONSHIP
Many ladies have the same situation; they always
fail to get answers as to how to move on or how to
survive the current situation. Marriages or people
committed relationships go through this phase and
not every couple can survive this situation. I once
wrote that 'the power to survive pain is through
connecting with others people’; in the same sense
the power to surviving boring or breaking
relationships is through other couples not

106
counselors. Re-constructing your relationship
revolves around faith, hope and love for your
partner. Love is greatest thing that is required in a
relationship because without love there is no point to
even try to fix your relationship. There are basic
three questions that you should ask yourself or your
partner in order to know what you are fighting again
and what you are fighting for, by doing this excessive
practically then you will stand a chance to
understand what is happening with your marriage or
committed relationship. The question that you need
to know is as follow: who is the problem? What is the
problem? How to solve the situation?
It is imperative for you to start working on those
questions because you have to understand that you
may find that you are the person who is causing the
down fall of the relationship. Even so, you have to

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understand that if you are the problem then you
have to stop fantasizing about romance and true love
and start re-constructing yourself that your marriage
or relationship may be re-constructed. Most
relationships end because people think that the
second party is not helping to make the relationship
more exciting only to find that they are the problem.
It is normal to re-evaluate yourself and change
yourself before you try to judge your partner.
Remember that when you don’t recognize your
wrong as you recognize your right then the will be no
growth. The 34 year old might have been right, but
she also might have been wrong. She only wants
romance and love, the question is does she
appreciates the small things that her future husband
is doing for her? you may find that her future
husband is going out of his way to please her but the
lady does nothing in return to show appreciation,

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and no ladies i am not talking about sex.
WHO IS THE PROBLEM?
In Most cases you will find that the person
complaining is the person who has the problem. if
one feel like there is nothing good or satisfactory that
they are getting from this marriage or relationship,
most possibly the person either is tired of being in
that marriage or relationship. You need to re-
evaluate yourself. Being married or in a relationship
means that it is no longer about me but us. As people
we forget that. like the 34 year old lady who
dreamed about getting married to her best friend
and not forgetting wanted romance and love, she
was caught up in a dream land of being spoiled to an
extend that it became about her not her and the
partner.

109
Speaking from a man’s point of view, it is exciting
to always be the one giving 100% romance and 100%
love without getting anything back from our
partners. in most cases a man will give up because he
work 8 hours and have to work on his relationship
when he gets home because all that the lady wants is
to be loved, romanced and spoiled. Yet in the same
manner sometimes men take advantage of a strong
woman who can live without being romanced or
loved and spoiled. Sometimes men marry or date a
lady who would settle to get romanced and spoiled
once in a month but they take advantage. It is
imperative to re-evaluate yourself, after re-
evaluating yourself then you can ask who is the
problem? Remember that you have to have faith,
hope and love both for you marriage or relationship
and you’re partner.

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WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
The problem is cause of what we go through.
Sometimes we ignore the problem and we hope that
we it will go away. Who we are is determined by how
we tackle situations; if we leave situations un
attended and hope that they will resolve themselves
them we are in the wrong path. Finding out what the
problem is may help your marriage or relationship.
like i said in the begging, sometimes the person
complaining is the person who is the problem,
therefore if you are the problem don’t think that you
can deal with it by yourself, tell your partner about it
and explain how you feel and why you feel like that
because if you think you can deal with it, then ten
years down the line you will go through it again.
If then you are not the problem, this is the time
when you should tell your partner that you have

111
recognized that he has developed a bad habit.
remember sometimes we over look what our
partners do, and the more we do that is the more we
find ourselves tolerating what they do wrong and we
tell ourselves that they will grow from that. Finding
what the problem is leads to acceptance that there is
a problem and when he accepts them you help each
other grow in love and romance.
HOW TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM?
Problem solving might sound easy but it is not. I
have come across many ladies who want to leave
their partners because they think that will solve their
problems. Some think they should just keep quiet
and keep taking in what their partners are doing to
them. people love the escapism thoughts, we like
meditating on thoughts that make us believe that
trying to live or survive in the problem is the way to

112
solve the situation, some think that they should quit
and find another person who will love them but that
is not the way to solve situations.
The problem with people in spite of who is cause
of the problem and what is the problem we think we
can easy survive it by running from it. i have a
philosophy in life and it is simple, find the cause of
the problem, study the problem and solve the
problem. We cannot live lives that depress us
because we are afraid to solve our situations. We
have to learn how to solve our situations. as soon as
we get up and try by all means to defeat the worldly
mentality that teaches us to divorce or leave our
relationships because our partners do not want to
change. The escapism philosophy is absurd because
at the end of the day people end up saying 'if only i
haven’t dumped him'.

113
These three steps are not the greatest way to
solve the problem like psychologists would suggest,
but they are a step. The whole article revolves
around faith, hope and love for your marriage or
relationship because if you lack one of those, then
there is no reason for you to keep trying. Love is a
very important element in a relationship without it
all will go wrong, along with faith and hope with such
as these in a relationship then there is no point for
one to keep fighting for the relationship.

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3 Steps to break the silence
(Predictable man)
All relationships are unique and they are very
important in their special way. For some people the
most important part of a relationship is the
beginning. Gents always try by all means to make
sure that the first moment they meet or the first date
with a lady should be the most special one, most
especially for the ladies. It is believed that a lady can
tell by the first moment a man looks at her how the
relationship will be, if she will be spoiled or treated
like a lady. For gents rather, they try to make sure
that there will be no other guy who will do it like he
does. Ladies, speaking from a guy’s point of view, it is
imperative for a guy to do it in a unique way for if he

115
fails that means anyone can snatch you from him and
he can’t afford that.
It is easy for a relationship to start with a bang, it
is easy for a relationship to start with a date that is
most memorable that no lady will ever forget what
that man did for her or how he looked at her the first
time they met. The most difficult part of a
relationship is simply sustaining the relationship,
keeping the relationship on the bang state until the
end. The negative breaking point of a relationship is
when the relationship declines from a bang state of
love to the normal silent relationships. A silent
relationship is a normal kind of a relationship that is
predictable state if the relationship, having sex the
same way with the same moves, sharing he thoughts
every day, doing the same thing every day. In a
simple way, a silent relationship is dead relationship,

116
a relationship whereby the lady is trapped and
cannot breath.
Thefollowing3Stepswillhelpyouto‘BreaktheSilence’
ofyourrelationshipwiththePredictablekindofmanthatyou
aredatingormarriedtoo.
1. TAKE A SWIM ON A COLD DAY
Relationships are meant to be satisfactory to
both parties. Taking a swim on a cold day does not
actually mean taking a swim, but simply doing
something unpredictable. The unpredictable can
break the silence better yet it can ignite the light of
the relationship.
 Getting on top
Most man are predictable, they want to do the
same things every day the same way. As a lady you
should learn how to take things in control, be the one
that call the shots for once. Once you get a hold of

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calling the shots your man will be challenged to come
up with something new, simply because men hate it
when a lady is calling the shots. The important role of
this stage is being sure of what you want, if you want
good sex then challenge him with sex, if you want
romance them when he comes home let him fin you
waiting wearing a sexy dress playing sexy music,
CHALLENGE YOU’RE MAN SO THAT HE CAN
CHALLENGE YOU.
 Creativity in the top
Change is a state of mind but creativity is an art
practiced and appreciated. You have to be creative in
all that you do in your relationship. The way you
perceive sex and how it should be done should
change, the way you define and see romance should
change, be creative. Coming up with new moves and
exceed you’re expectation is the way to go. It does

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not help what so ever if you are predictable and he is
predictable, but if you challenge the man it will
enhance the relationships. Ad he will want more of
you and less of others.
 Take a drive out
The whole point this is to go an extra mile. This
saying simply means do what you can, however you
can to do the best that you can do. I agree! It can be
very exhausting trying to make that predictable man
appreciate you and make you happy same as making
him happy. The courage to try to make things work is
all that counts, many times women look down on
themselves because their men do not want to spoil
them and have sex with them but as a lady focus on
going an extra mile and do things different.
2. Changethemoves

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Sex is the most imperative thing in a relationship
the more it dies out, the more you lose out on the
fun part of the relationship. As I said, men can be
predictable, they sometimes like it when they are on
top, controlling and calling the shots, yet one thing
they are unaware of is that the same move is boring
to some extent. Man only care about being inside of
a woman and they pay less attention to making her
reach her orgasm. As a lady on the move you should
propel yourself to try to invent new moves or try out
some new moves for your man so that he may be
able to harness the gift you are giving him.
Changing the moves and making mistakes is not a
bad thing. Ladies sometimes lose faith as they try to
take control and yet they make mistakes. Ladies, if
you fall with your man of the bad while in action do
not feel like it blew up every new move that you

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made, keep going even on the floor. Remember your
intention is to give him the best that no one can give.
Keep on changing the moves, and keep on moving.
3. MAKE TIME FOR Romance
Romance is not supposed to be like a product
offer that is on sale yet you only get it subject to
availability. Romance is supposed to be like a window
of a house, a house without windows is incomplete.
Ladies we man are clueless about romance, we see it
as a once in a while thing, Maybe on mother’s day or
even the anniversary. Relationships need romance
every single moment of the day. We ma are subject
to change, if a my girlfriend does something different
and I can’t do it I am going to get some advice and do
it better so that she will lust for me only.
Relationships are somehow I tell you, many brothers

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do not want to be controlled by their women. By
controlled I simply mean that ‘if my lady makes sure
that the spark of romance in our relationship is up I
should make sure that it’s bigger to brighten up the
whole house.
In my conclusion, I have a young friend who
wants to divorce simply because the husband is not
doing anything right, well ladies let me advice you, if
you think divorce is the answer than I say it’s a wrong
answer because the only answer is to do it better
than he does. If he is not trying then get time for
everything but him and I tell you he will be jealous.
Remember not to stop living no matter what the
odds are, live your life to the fullest and remember
to: 1. Take a swim on a Cold, 2. Change the Moves,
and lastly 3. Make time for Romance.

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Sophisticated World of
Women
Whether we like it or not, a woman is seen as a
car that is about to crash. An old car moving at a
speed of 120kmp/h not even moving faster than a
scooter. A woman anywhere in the world is not
respected by her qualifications but by the colour of
her dress and how proper is her hair and skin.
Women are seen as sex toys not qualified CEO’s or
Lawyers, which is one of the reasons why they get
abused, because men see them as week.
Collins, Dunlap and Chrysler contend “Many
women share historical roots that have to do with
making their way to ships, pressing their way onto
ships, escaping ships, surviving ships, and/or re-
creating their lives after disembarking ships. Many

123
women risked their lives for the hope that they might
escape oppression, abuse, and genocide, and journey
by ship (or boat, train, bus, foot, and/or their own
psyches) to better spaces that might hold improved
opportunities for them and their children. Others,
rather than seeking the ship for themselves, were
forced, beaten, and chained onto ships. A great
number of these women elected to jump overboard
with their children and drown rather than suffer the
dehumanization that ships of various types of
enslavement held for them.”
Women are the pillars of this world. They are the
reason why we keep moving forward. There is
nothing that can come above the strength of a
woman. Aristotle philosophy might suggests “just as
with the rule of the master over the slave, the
difference here is one of reason: ‘The slave is wholly

124
lacking the deliberative element; the female has it
but it lacks authority”, yet in our generations we
come across many things that are done by the hands
of a women, women like Sophie Mazibuko. She was a
social worker and worked for the South African
Council of Churches (SACC).
The world is more sophisticated today because of
women encouraging our youngsters to desire
success. When we study statistics of women in the
Corporate world we find that there are about only
28% of SA senior management positions are filled by
women, we are talking about the people that are
give birth, take good care of their families and after
that they go to the office in good shapes. To other
countries it might be disappointing to brag and boast
about those statistics, yet that is not the point.
Women might be looked down at and people might

125
not trust them with their companies but they are full
of wonderful surprises simply because they are able
to balance their Family lives with work which is pure
wisdom and sophistication.
What is love that I desire it?
I see it, i feel it, i need it, i desire it, yet that is not
enough. Love is all that i desire in this world. Life is
useless without love. We always speak about peace
but how can we find peace if we cannot find love.
love has always been considered subject to
definition. People define love according to what they
know and how they feel, but love is simply a step to
all the peace, patience, endurance, care, and etc that
we need in the world. I have been single for 3 weeks
and since then i started desiring love, not love as in
relationships but love as in God uniting a woman and

126
i in marriage and having fun as we go through trials,
the kind of love that will help me grow in my career
and love the person i am with not because of the sex
but because we are content.
Truly speaking it is hard being single while my
friends are getting married and they are busy loving
on their wives and future wives. I sometimes feel like
waiting for that special someone but my problem is
the fact that i am busy looking around and as you
know being a pastor and a writer i get too much
attention, therefore i get tempted.
Love has become a need in my love, it has
become a huge need to an extend that whatever i
think about is that love. The kind of love that will
make me one with the person i am with, the love
that will make my career and her career connect like
magnet, the kind of love that will make us want to

127
have babies and love them even though I don't want
babies now, the kind of love that will make us enjoy
life even if we do not have everything that we need
yet, the kind of love that will help us respect and
submit to one another, i need that love. I desire that
kind of love because with it i will be content.
What is love oh Lord that i desire it so much?
What i love that i long for. Love is kind, love endures
forever, love is patient, love inhabits in peace, love is
overwhelmed with joy, love is unity, love is
submission, love is respect, love is eternal but most
of all love is God. In my desire of love I found God.

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Matter of the Heart
I always ask myself, how one can mend a broken
heart. There are many reasons that one can do that
can literally break (into pieces) someone’s heart. We
always get the whole idea wrong though, we always
assume that only women go through heart break, yet
men also go through heart break. Yet, who does
what or who goes through what is not the issue at
hand, the issue at hand is centered on the thought
that suggests how can one heal or mend the heart
that was broken by a previous lover or how can one
heal the heart of the person he wants to go back to.
I have a friend called James. He was dating a
beautiful lady, "I think and i feel that she is the one
and i know God gave her to me and i to her", so he
would say. He loved the lady so dearly that he would

129
give his life for her. After a few years of loving and
respect, she went to school and met another guy. At
that time James was in the USA. He started hearing
rumors from people that his girlfriend is dating
another guy and some who worked with the guy who
dated James's girlfriend were saying he was boasting
about how he has sex with her. She then went to
James (by texting left him). James went through
hospital door to door because it affected his life,
psychologically and health wise. His life witnessed a
dramatic change which he had no control over. Now
its back to being single, back to dealing with his
health because he had heart problems, seeing a
psychologist, facing the world alone and
overwhelmed with stress. His heart needed to be
mended.

130
He them met another lady. He went through a
dramatic change but that does not mean that he was
healed, he went through hospitals but that does not
mean that he is well. He had to get healing of the
heart so that he may move on. When he met this
new lady they had to go and start a new life without
including the good things that they had in the past,
yet they had to share what they went through what
their plans are for the future. It was over time that
his heart was mended.
We all go through that mess in our lives, a mess
that has to do with the matters of the heart. Matters
of the heart might make you give up on love,
sometimes they can because you to even kill yourself
not out of choice but simply because you cannot
handle them. Matters of the heart have their good
times and their bad times but what’s worse is the

131
thought of losing the good times and stepping in the
bad times which leads to hopelessness. You went
through it, the person next to you went through it
because its part and puzzle of growing up and being
mature.
My encouragement is simply Find love in you. I
was at a wedding on Saturday. At that wedding i
started noticing that not only is love a choice but love
is a miracle. Love is a miracle because not everyone
finds that miracle. Remember when Jesus Christ
spoke about the a woman who lost a coin and had to
look for, she searched for it until she found it, love is
like that. When one finds love they become content
no matter the situation but as soon as you lose that
love you lose that miracle that gave you joy,
contentment, peace and liberty. You need to find

132
love in yourself before you trust someone else with
your heart.
Matters of the heart are life changing and we
need to pay close attention our hearts and give it to
the right person so that it won’t break. Today people
are looking for love and some are waiting for love
only to find that if they first love themselves and love
their neighbors that love which they desire will find
them even when they are not looking, love is a
miracle and only the right kind of love can mend a
broken heart and a right kind of love can bring peace
to matters of the heart, you need that love the
miraculous kind of love.
Find love in yourself, love your looks, love your
curves, love your eyes, love who you are outside and
embrace who you are inside and the love you
deserve will find you.

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(NB THE OF THE PERSON {JAMES} IS NOT THE
REAL NAME OF THE PERSON)

134
Painful Longing for Luscious
Love
"Pain is the range of unpleasant sensation
produced by illness or harmful physical contact, hurt
suffering, discomfort, distress, soreness, ache,
aching, pang, spasm, cramp...
Longing is a feeling of intense desire...
Luscious is richly sweet in taste or smell, over rich"
-Sara Tulloch
I had a conversation with a friend of mine just
yesterday. I told him, "I don't know if I am being
stupid, emotional, immature or what, but I am
looking for love that is pure, a love that God
approves of, a love that will make everything happen,
a love that will make my career and my girlfriends or
wife's career to match or connect like it's meant to

135
be, a love that will not make me feel like I am
working too hard to make sure that everything goes
well", he said "stop looking".
Love in this generation is hard to find, I have
noticed that when the bible says love your wife and
she will submit does not work in our generation
simply because love is not found. Today we marry
because our friends are getting married, we marry
because of sex, we get into relationships because
were insecure of ourselves or with ourselves and we
want people to make us look and feel good,
sometimes we get into relationships because we are
rejected by our friends or families or maybe both so
we want a sense of belonging.
Have you ever had a sense of 'painful longing for
a luscious love', have you ever sat down and said to
yourself that I need love, I need love, I need love.
Today I am not going to give you ways on how to get

136
love or how to wait for love but I want to encourage
you to remain true to yourself and true to God.
Searching and waiting is not necessary today. I have
realized that most of the times people that get hurt
are the people that are looking for love or waiting for
love. When you look for love many men and women
come and go, they have sex with you and they
destroy you then after they leave you. When you
wait for love different people approach you because
of your good looks and you end up thinking it's the
right person and you end up settling for second best,
only to find they are with you because of title and
position.
We all have a painful longing, we crave for, desire
and need love now and we feel like if we got it then
we will get married and have a wonderful life without
worry. We feel like if it were to happen to us that we
get what we desire (love) that all heaven will be for

137
us. Yet it's painful because we never get it, we never
get the chance to get the right person or experience'
This luscious love is an awesome kind of love that
makes people melt in each other's arms but where
can we find it today? The sweet love, the over rich
love, the love that will make a relationship last for all
eternity between two people. It's nowhere to be
found, most possibly does not exist -others believe.
I had an enlightenment, why don't you stop
looking and stop waiting on that luscious love and
start being you, loving you and be truthful to God
and yourself. I believe that a person falls in love with
the person inside, not the looks and how they dress
and how tall and sexy they are but simply who they
are inside.
The other night I had to accept that I am in love
with this other beautiful good looking young lady,
she loves God and fears him, yet last night we did not

138
talk and I felt so out of place because of that, and a
previous night before that we spoke for 8 hours
straight. I had to accept the reality that I am dating
her or we are not together, though she may know
how I feel, we are not together until we both decide
that we will get in this relationship and see how far
we will go and if we marry Bless God.
I myself am longing for this luscious love but at
the moment it is just a 'painful longing for a luscious
love'.
I want to encourage you to find yourself in God,
in yourself, in your community, in your family and
one day, just one day love which is pure and rich in
God, goodness, mercy and grace will follow you and
it will abound in and to you. Do not chase after or
wait for love but be yourself.
Stay true and forget about the 'painful longing for
a luscious love’. As painful as that sounds,

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The need for love in the world
and in your life
I have an enlightenment filled with wisdom that
love shows a correct way for a person to choose. In
that path lies wisdom, In that path lies knowledge,
and In that path lies maturity. I have learned that
without love then what we do for people is pointless.
Love rules over all things. Today I write to encourage
African people to love one another, stop the hating;
killing and fighting instead they should love.
Love is the only force capable of transforming an
enemy into friend.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Love motivates people to help and care for one
another. We got used to fighting and hating each
other as African people that we overlook the fact
that in this world if we do not stand with each other

140
then we fail to succeed. Africans are strong Africans
are wise and Africans survive all trials. We are seen
people who kill each other and hate each other, but
my encouragement to you as people is love your
African brothers and sisters.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light
can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love
can do that.
He also wrote...
Human progress is neither automatic nor
inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice
requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless
exertions and passionate concern of dedicated
individuals.
For our African people to rise and become a
success we need to stand in love. When we fail to
love each other we fail to educate this young African

141
Generation about the importance of African
Relationship because as Africans (black people)
around the world we faced the same pain and still
going through the same situation internationally.
In all that we do, whether in the corporate world,
community, church and more we will always face
situations that may oppose us but disappointment
but as much as we accept the fact that we will be
disappointed we should deny the fact of giving up.
Pain is temporary while victory is eternal.
We must accept finite disappointment, but never
lose infinite hope.
Love for each other can make us succeed and
help each other to make it In life. It is Imperative for
us as the African people to make it in life, not to say I
am pushing white people outside but my main aim is
to challenge this Black Mentality that keeps on telling

142
us that we will never make it.
I want to encourage you with a quote from the
great Martin Luther King Jr:-
I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so
tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism
and war that the bright daybreak of peace and
brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe
that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have
the final word.
In everything you do or go through the answer
will always be love, unconditional love. Might be
marriage, dating/joling, finance, whatever remember
the answer will always be love, you must will to love
so that you may see change around you.

143
Making a selfish decision in a
relationship
When it comes to relationships making selfish
decisions is not a bad an idea most especially
when it comes to major decisions. Sometimes we
are given an opportunity to explore our hope dreams
and visions for our lives and look at our relationships
and come up with a conclusion either we still want to
date this person or not.
Our problem as people lie on exalting our
partners dreams, visions, need and wants far beyond
ours, we put them first that we even forget what we
want in life. We are a generation of bliss but bliss
comes with a responsibility and hard work, we need
to be faithful to ourselves, we need to be selfish and
think for us that them. We shouldn't have sex and go
out or stay home because that's what our partners

144
want but we should have the freedom to do what we
want for ourselves.
I had a conversation with the person I am dating
because I believed that I had to speak in order to
heal, because I was becoming depressed and
unsettled, I also started feeling like our relationship
is a job and I hate working extra hours. I had to
speak my heart and put aside how I feel about her
and tell her about what I am expecting as a man not
only in this relationship but in life.
There are five things that I have mentioned below
that I want to talk about and some of those things I
myself said them to my girlfriend and it became an
eye opener for both her and I. It is not bad to talk
about your priorities as man and woman.
1. What are your priorities?
2. What is it that you want from this?
3. Where am I now?

145
4. Where are you going in life?
5. Are you willing to climb along or are you
moving on?
WHAT ARE YOUR PRIORITIES?
It is imperative to know and understand what is
important now in your partners life, what is he doing
that is keeping him busy and is he going to focus and
spend time in that thing or is he just going through
another phase. You understanding what is important
to him will show you where he puts you and how
serious he takes you.
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT FROM THIS?
People have a problem with making selfish
decisions in a relationship but I believe that making
that selfish decision will allow you to value your
needs and wants, it will also teach you not to settle
with what you think is or will be ok for your life. If
you want marriage from this relationship and he

Hlogi's words ~~ understanding relationships today

Hlogi's words ~~ understanding relationships today

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Hlogi's words ~~ understanding relationships today