Key Learnings from the book "How Children Succeed" by Paul Tough

1. How Children Succeed
- Paul Tough
Key Points by Vidya Bhandary

2. Book premise
This book is not a manual on
'How to “make” children succeed?'
The author in his wisdom - shared only details of
how children succeed but not any specific tools
for the same.

3. Two key notes
1. Good parenting has an effect that is not just
emotional but also physiological. It literally alters
brain patterns – especially in early childhood.
2. Character matters. It is not only the IQ but EQ.

4. Parental Behavior
"The effect of good parenting is not just emotional
or psychological, the neuroscientists say; it is
biochemical".

5. Parental Behavior
"Adversity during childhood can cause changes in
the pre-frontal cortex which is the center of
self-regulatory activities.
This kind of damage can last a lifetime - making it
difficult for children to concentrate and to
handle emotional disappointments."

6. Parental Behavior
And yet ....
Even this kind of impairment can be alleviated
with high quality mothering.
Warm nurturing can act as a buffer against the
biochemical damages stress can inflict on a child.
Amazing !!!

7. Parental Behavior
So .... although you may like showing flash cards,
don't forget to be more attentive and sensitive
towards your children.

8. Parental Behavior
Listen to them, respond to their emotional needs,
comfort them, hug them, talk to them.

9. Parental Behavior
Paying full attention when the child is speaking or
during a game of Jenga can make profound
difference for a child's future prospects.
It makes them more self-reliant and creates a
"secure base" from which they can explore the
world.

10. Parental Behavior
"Under-parenting is harmful but so is
over-parenting."

11. Parental Behavior
Over-parenting is where
"Academic achievements are elevated above
emotional needs".

12. Parental Behavior
In over-parenting -
The child depends on external affirmation for
success to such an extent that when unexpected
challenges come in life -
He / She does not have any internal resources to
overcome them and hence can crumble at the
first hurdle.

13. Character development
What is Character ?
A succinct definition by the author -
"Character is created by encountering and
overcoming failure".

14. Character development
After the age of 8 – IQ is not easy to manipulate.
However character strengths – like grit,
self-control, conscientiousness are better
indicators of children who will prosper in life.

15. Character development - Traits
Ability to manage failure
Rich children tend to be insulated from suffering
while poor kids face nothing but challenges.
Instead every child should have child-sized
adversity which they can overcome without help.

16. Character development - Traits
Ability to do mental contrasting
This trait reminds me of the Scout Motto -
"Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst"
To some extent this is what mental contrasting
is about.

17. Character development - Traits
Ability to do mental contrasting
It means concentrating on a positive result while
being aware of all the obstacles on the way.
This helps - to formulate alternate strategies and
then to choose wisely amongst the choices.

18. Character development - Traits
Optimism
An optimist does not remain down for long. After
a setback an optimist will pick himself/herself up
with a short term explanation for the bad event.
They do not end up under a cloud of "Why me ? "
or "I am always unlucky".

19. Character development - Traits
Self-control and Flexibility
"Self control is ability to inhibit an instinctive or
habitual response and substitute for a better less
obvious one."

20. Character development - Traits
Self-control and Flexibility
I am presuming that most parents by now would
have heard of the famous Marshmallow test by
Walter Mischel.
It emphasized delayed gratification.
[ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_marshmallow_experiment ]

21. Character development - Traits
Self-control and Flexibility
Delayed gratification which is mainly about self-
control and flexibility hinges on -

An ability to think outside the box. [ Some of the
children imagined the bar of chocolate to be
something else. ]

Ability to handle unfamiliar situations.

22. Character development - Traits
Grit
It is the ability to persist.
Stressed out children find it difficult to sustain
efforts towards a particular goal since they tend
to be overwhelmed with negative feelings.

23. Best way to equip a child to be successful
Ensure he / she is protected from chronic stress
especially in childhood.

24. Best way to equip a child to be successful
Have a secure relationship with the child - ideally
both parents.

25. Best way to equip a child to be successful
Discipline - there has to be someone to say 'No' -
so the child can know limits.

26. Best way to equip a child to be successful
Allow the child to fall down and get up
without help.
The idea is for the child to learn to
“manage failure”.

27. Best way to equip a child to be successful
Do not over-criticize.

28. Best way to equip a child to be successful
Minimal after-school adult supervision is
detrimental.

29. Best way to equip a child to be successful
Do not burden the child with
excessive achievement pressure.

30. Conclusion
"There are no shortcuts
to success in raising children".

31. Thank you !
Stay a little hungry – http://www.vidyab.blogspot.in