The document provides tips and guidelines for writing concise news stories and leads, including planning to focus on key details, writing simple sentences, challenging vague phrases, and rewriting to eliminate unnecessary words. It encourages rewriting leads that are over 30 words or don't fit in a tweet, and provides examples of concise and focused rewrites.

1. Steve Buttry
Marin Independent Journal
August 28, 2013

2. Read more about it
stevebuttry.wordpress.com
@stevebuttry
slideshare.net/stevebuttry
sbuttry@digitalfirstmedia.com
#everywordcounts

3. We’ll discuss:
 Planning to write tight
 Writing leads
 Writing tight
 Rewriting

4. Plan to write tight
 Discuss scope, focus w/ editor
 Consider reader (ask)
 Make stories useful
 Break story up (video, sidebar, chart,
etc.)

5. Keep a sharp focus
 What’s the story about? (6 words)
 Write a headline
 3 words: subject, verb, object
 Tell someone about the story
 Summarize story in a tweet

6. Find your focus
 Tweet as you report
 What surprised you?
 Where’s the emotion?
 Most important W?
 Best story element?
 Write first draft w/ heart

7. SEO can help focus
 What would you type in Google if
you had questions this story would
answer?
 Can you write a good lead around
the search term?

8. The key to writing …

9. Watch for the suitcase lead
After spending Wednesday morning at a prestigious
think tank discussing a report about what could
happen in the aftermath of a catastrophic terrorist
attack on Congress, then taking nearly two hours at
the White House presenting the report to Vice
President Dick Cheney, University of Miami
president Donna Shalala addressed the issue
capturing the attention of thousands across the
nation – conference realignment in college sports.
(66 words, Miami Herald)

10. Watch for the suitcase lead
Jerry Falwell, 73, a Southern Baptist preacher who as
founder and president of the Moral Majority
presided over a marriage of Christian beliefs and
conservative political values – a bond that bore
prodigious fruit for the Republican Party during the
past quarter-century – died May 15 of congestive
heart failure after he was found unconscious in his
office at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Va. (65
words, Washington Post)

11. Challenge suitcase leads
I was privileged to participate
today in the symposium
Journalism Ethics in the Digital
Age at the Paley Center for
Media in New York, presented
by the Poynter Institute and
craigconnects. (31 words)

12. Challenge suitcase leads
The Novato Police Department
has been awarded a traffic safety
grant from the California
Department of Public Health for
$8,000 to conduct education and
enforcement operations in hopes
of reducing injuries and crashes
involving pedestrians.
(35 words)

13. Challenge suitcase leads
The county of Marin and three
Marin municipalities are
attempting to meet a state
housing mandate by the end of
January in order to collect $2.3
million in state grant money.
(31 words)

14. Challenge suitcase leads
Just weeks after it was smeared
with grease, the rainbow flag
flying outside the Community
Church of Mill Valley was stolen
and its metal holder vandalized,
prompting police to investigate.
(30 words)

15. Challenge suitcase leads
Three months after its
installation, a public art piece
called a "cigarette eater meter"
has collected 50,000 cigarette
butts and in turn raised money
for a local nonprofit.
(28 words)

16. Challenge the suitcase lead
A $47.6 million operating budget for
fiscal 2013-14, up 1.5 percent from last
year's $46.9 million, has been
approved by College of Marin trustees.

17. Challenge the suitcase lead
Residents of the Strawberry
Recreation District Zone 4 gave their
approval to a pair of measures that
will keep a waterway to the bay clear
of silt for years to come. (31 words)

18. Lighten the load
Residents of the Strawberry
Recreation District Zone 4 gave their
approval to a pair of measures that
will keep a waterway to the bay clear
of silt for years to come. (31 words)

19. Try a carry-on bag
Residents of the Strawberry
Recreation District Zone 4 approved
two measures that will keep a
waterway to the bay clear of silt. (22
words, down from 31)

20. Challenge the suitcase lead
A $47.6 million operating budget for
fiscal 2013-14, up 1.5 percent from last
year's $46.9 million, has been
approved by College of Marin trustees.

21. Subtract numbers
A $47.6 million operating budget for
fiscal 2013-14, up 1.5 percent from last
year's $46.9 million, has been
approved by College of Marin
trustees.

22. Subtract numbers
College of Marin trustees have
approved a 1.5 percent increase for
this year’s budget.

23. Ways to lighten the load
 Make just one point
 Look for words, phrases that can wait
 Change comma to period
 Eliminate parenthetical phrases
 Explanation can wait
 Subtract numbers
 Can attribution wait?

24. Consider a g-string lead
Three months after its
installation, a public art piece
called a "cigarette eater meter"
has collected 50,000 cigarette
butts and in turn raised money
for a local nonprofit.
(28 words)

25. Try a g-string lead
The "cigarette eater meter" is
filling up with butts.
(9 words)

26. G-string lead can be serious
Jennifer’s tiny heart gave up.
But no one else would.

27. G-string lead can be serious
Forty seconds, five lives.

28. Issues with g-string leads
 Keywords in leads help with SEO.
Can you write g-string lead w/
keyword?
 If not, be sure web headline uses
keywords (head is more important).
 G-string lead on great story can
increase social sharing.

29. Try a simple sentence

30. Try a simple sentence
In the beginning, God
created the heavens and the
earth.

31. Try a simple sentence
A wildfire burned about 2 acres
and damaged an outbuilding
Tuesday in western Novato.

32. Try a simple sentence
Perhaps no one has done as
much for hats as Theodor
Seuss Geisel, better known as
Dr. Seuss.

33. Try a simple sentence
A 22-year-old Marin City man
who allegedly stabbed his mother
to death last weekend was
released from the hospital
Tuesday and taken to Marin
County Jail.

36. Strong from the Start
A rule and a guideline:
The rule: If your lead is over 30 words,
explain to your editor why it’s so good
that it needs to be that long.
The guideline: If your lead won’t fit in
a tweet, try rewriting.

37. Sometimes a long lead works
When the crime was committed, when four
girls lay blasted to death in the shattered
basement of the 16th
Street Baptist Church,
Bobby Frank Cherry was young and strong
and confident that his world, one of white
robes and closed minds, would turn
forever. (Rick Bragg, 44 words)

38. Perfect use of a long lead
Selma Koch, a Manhattan store
owner who earned a national
reputation by helping women find
the right bra size, mostly through a
discerning glance and never with a
tape measure, died Thursday at
Mount Sinai Medical Center.

39. Perfect use of a long lead
Selma Koch, a Manhattan store
owner who earned a national
reputation by helping women find
the right bra size, mostly through a
discerning glance and never with a
tape measure, died Thursday at
Mount Sinai Medical Center. She was
95 and a 34B. (Douglas Martin, NY
Times)

40. Challenge the simple lead

41. Challenge the simple lead
First of all, God made
everything.

42. Rewrite with your head
 Read aloud
 Know your weaknesses
 Challenge verbs
 Challenge imprecise words
 Consider attribution
 Challenge phrases

44. Rewrite with your head
 Challenge inflated words
 Challenge quotes
 Watch for echo quotes
 Redundant words, facts
 Say what is, not what isn’t
 What’s the story about?

45. Challenge vague phrases
There's no time for rest on the
front lines of wildfires burning
across California as 81 Marin
firefighters join 9,300 others in
pitched battles involving a dozen
blazes.

46. There are better leads
There is no weaker verb in the English
language than the verb “to be” – is,
was, are, etc. There’s no vaguer word
than “there” when you’re not pointing.
There are few weaker ways to start
your story. There are few “there are”
leads that don’t get tighter and
stronger when you challenge them.

47. Challenge vague phrases
Marin firefighters worked 50
hours straight battling wildfires
burning across California.

48. Give it up
It is one of the weakest ways you
can start a story. It has a pronoun
with no antecedent. It has the
weakest verb in the English
language. It seems some writers
can’t resist it. It’s used way too
much. It is a lead that starts with “it
is,” “it’s” or simply “it.”

49. Don’t rewrite by arbitrary rules
If you write a lead this good, leave
the “it was” alone:

50. Don’t rewrite by arbitrary rules
If you write a lead this good, leave
the “it was” alone:
It was the best of times;
it was the worst of times.

51. Don’t rewrite by arbitrary rules
If you write a passage this good,
leave the “there is” alone:

52. Don’t rewrite by arbitrary rules
Don’t rewrite by arbitrary rules. If
you write a passage this good, leave
the “there is” alone:
There is no joy in Mudville.

53. Your turn
Rewrite a lead or tighten a story

54. Make Every Word Count
The right word makes
all the difference.