Research shows that empathy is a whole-body experience: We mirror each other’s physiology alongside the emotion. Negative states, whether it is pain, anger, or anxiety, create high activation & arousal in the body, so when you empathize with someone stressed, you become stressed, too. This is why so many caregivers experience burnout.

1. Empathy Is a Stress Response.
Compassion Isn't.
How to express your caring side without burning out.
KEY POINTS:
• Research shows empathy isn’t just about emotions: We mirror each other’s physiology
as well
• When we empathize with people who are struggling, our bodies go into a stress state
• Compassion is a state of calm & connectedness. It also provides more support to
others
Source: Helena Lopes/Pexels
While empathy is an essential ingredient for solid, supportive relationships, it comes
at a cost.
Research shows that empathy is a whole-body experience: We mirror each other’s
physiology alongside the emotion. Negative states, whether it is pain, anger,
or anxiety, create high activation & arousal in the body, so when you empathize with
someone stressed, you become stressed, too. This is why so many caregivers
experience burnout.
Empathy doesn’t make us good helpers either. When we become activated, we are
no longer present. Stuck in our own stress state, we don’t listen well & lack the ability
to soothe another. Think about those friends who make you feel worse when you’re
down, rather than better.
There is a solution. Compassion is defined as concern for the suffering of others with
the motivation to help. It is a completely distinct neurological state from empathy.
Whereas empathy activates the insula & anterior midcingulate cortex, compassion
employs the medial orbitofrontal cortex & the ventral striatum.

2. From a physiological perspective, empathy for negative emotions engages the stress
system (e.g., fight-flight-freeze), while compassion relies on the ventral vagal, a
physiological state of safety & connectedness. Interestingly, this is when empathy
helps rather than hurts: The person in pain gets to co-regulate with a safe, calm
individual, experiencing safety & calm in their bodies as well. When we sit in
compassion, we provide space, care, & love for those who are hurting.
So how do we practice compassion? Laboratory studies cultivate it in their
participants by first putting them in a calm, peaceful environment. Then, participants
do a loving-kindness meditation. They visualize their own suffering & send love to it.
Then they extend that warmth to a close friend, a person in pain, a neutral person, &
finally the community at large.
There are two takeaways here. First, compassion is active. You send love to the
other person, instead of passively experiencing their pain alongside them. Second, it
supports the person in need. When you come from a loving place, you create a safe
environment for them. You give them a judgment-free space to experience their
thoughts & emotions.
If you empathize easily & struggle with the associated stress, here is a five-step plan
to nurture your caring side without the negative side effects:
1. Identify your empathy pain points. What targets bring out your empathy?
Sure, we feel empathy when our friends are hurting. But, for many people,
other activities, like reading or watching the news, activate their empathy &
make them feel stressed. Watching horror films or reading fiction that
includes lots of pain (e.g., divorce, illness, death) gets to others. How’s this
for irony?: We know we’re supposed to reduce screen time before bed. But,
if you select a book that produces empathy &, therefore, stress, it will be
harder to fall asleep than if you just watched cat videos.
2. Determine the value of the empathic experience. Is the empathic stress
worth it? Does it help strengthen your relationships or produce positive
change in your community? Modern life has a lot of unproductive empathy
targets. Whether it is an alarmist new program or shocking social
media videos, we expend a lot of empathy on targets that don’t enrich our
lives & sometimes make them worse (e.g., getting a bad night’s sleep
because of a trauma-filled novel).
3. Find alternatives. Choose entertainment that makes you laugh & feel good.
When you get together with friends, do things you enjoy. If you are not a
night person, avoid evening socialising. If shopping for clothes makes you
feel bad, go for a walk with friends instead. If you want to stay updated on
current events yet find your sources to be empathy activators, try other
sources that are less alarmist. Pick newspapers, magazines, or shows that
offer the same content without pulling on your heartstrings. Be
discriminating about what you allow into your orbit. If this makes you feel
guilty, remember that the more you keep yourself regulated & happy, the
better you will be able to serve others in your community who need you.

3. 4. Foster self-compassion. Build safety & calm in your environment. Whether it
is putting on relaxing music, favouring soft-white lamps over fluorescent
lighting, or putting a plant in your office, bring nuggets of peace into your
world. Do guided compassion meditations if they feel good to you. Treat
yourself to a good meal. Incorporate loving-kindness practices into your life
to regulate your body & make you feel safe so that you can then share that
feeling with others.
5. Practice in-the-moment compassion. When someone comes to you with
pain or anxiety, take a deep breath to keep yourself grounded & focus on
listening. Actively send them love. This will keep you in a non-stressed state
that gives the other person room to experience their thoughts & feelings &
ultimately join you in a calm, non-stressed state as well.
Empathy is a fundamental part of being human, helping us to bond & watch out for
each other. People who lack empathy, like narcissists & sociopaths, cause a lot of
damage in the world. However, the experience of empathy can be hard. When we
spend too much time in empathy, we damage ourselves instead.
The key is to actively choose when you want to feel what others are feeling (e.g., the
joy of dancing), & when you would rather be of service with compassion (e.g. when a
friend is down). Compassion enables you to be your caring, giving self, without the
stress & burnout. Updated June 26, 2023 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
References
Coutinho, J.F., Silva, P.O., & Decety, J. (2014). Neurosciences, empathy, and
healthy interpersonal relationships: recent findings and implications for counseling
psychology. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 61(4), 541–548.
Klimecki, O.M., Lieberg, S., Ricard, M., & Singer, T. (2014). Differential pattern of
functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training. Social Cognitive
and Affective Neuroscience, 9(8), 873–879.
Porges, S.W. (2021). Vagal Pathways: Portals to Compassion. In Porges, S.W.
(Eds.), Polyvagal Safety: Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation (pp. 66–87).
W. W. Norton & Company.
About the Author:
Betsy Holmberg, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychologist specializing in negative
self-talk & overthinking.