Grief and loss power point 7.4.11

(c) Copyright Community Training
Australia 2011
Strategies for assisting those
suffering from a loss
(unit CHCCS426A)
Learning about
Grief and Loss

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Overview
Grief experiences
Strategies to support normal grief
Grief and personal growth
Exercises to relieve grievers distress
Complicated grief
Community support structures

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Onwards and
Upwards….
Impossible words when
you are struck with a major
loss in your life.
It‟s the last thing you feel like
doing, and the energy
required for even thinking
like this let alone the doing
can be overwhelming.

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The Grief Experience
Many people have tried to describe and
understand what happens to people when
they lose someone or something of great
value to them in their life. Grief is an
experience that we all know in varying
degrees and will know over a lifetime.

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What are some of the
things we can lose in life?
Family through separation and divorce
Friends
Girlfriends and boyfriends
Locations
Precious possessions
Hopes
Health
People through death

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What does grief feel
like?
Body sensations?
Feelings?
Thinking?
Behaviour?

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What are some of the body
sensations that may accompany
loss.
Stomach upset
Headaches
Dizziness
Tiredness
Palpitations
Nausea
Agitation
Tingles

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What are some of the feelings
which may accompany loss?
Sadness
Shock
Anger
Insecurity
Relief
Depression
Loneliness etc.

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What are some of the thoughts
that may accompany a loss?
It‟s my fault.
It‟s not fair.
I can‟t go on.
I have been
abandoned.
Life sucks.
There is no God.
This always
happens to me.

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Grief reactions are
individual and depend
upon;
Personality factors
Previous family history
– in reacting to loss
Previous losses,
multiple losses
Shock
Other complicating
factors

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People have theories about
the stages or ways people go
through a loss
Kubler Ross – stages theory
William Worden – task theory
Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut
(1999)- Dual process model

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Loss Experience
What is clear from any model is that after the
shock, people tend to walk around in denial
for a bit before the reality hits and deep grief
envelopes them.

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The Dark Times
This dark period of time feels like it will never
end, and all desire for it to end sometimes
leaves as well.
“There is
a place so
dark, that
you can’t
see the
end”.

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Guilt
When people lose a
partner or child or
someone close through
death, they may even feel
guilty about having days
when they feel good or
happy. They are fearful
that to be happy means
that the person they have
lost didn‟t count much, or
they don‟t care anymore.

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Sometimes a “guilt trip”
is put on someone by
others.
Children can be especially vulnerable to this.
Kids move in and out of sad feelings and
cannot „stay‟ in depression for long periods of
time. It‟s God‟s design and not their fault.

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Trying to get out of the „pit of
despair‟.
At other times people
are desperate to feel
normal again and try to
hasten its arrival by
feigning normality.
“I‟m alright, yes,
managing fine, thank
you”.
At night time the pain of
the façade catches up.

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Trying to „be strong for
others‟.
Many of us feel
responsible for young
children or other people
we consider to be more
vulnerable than
ourselves. We can
sometimes put on a
brave face in order to
„be strong for others‟.
Inside we may be
crumbling.

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Strategies to support
others in grief.
1. Education – the
framework.
2. Letting go, saying
goodbye… in ceremony.
3. Keeping connected in a
new way. Questioning
techniques.
4. Micro-losses as a way to
build a future.
5. Support search.
6. Introduce new supports.
7. Check for complications.

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1. Education – the
framework.
Providing a framework for someone
who is grieving is helpful. In the middle
of intense pain and misery to
understand that the process has been
lived through by others and what to
expect can give an individual bearings.

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A feminine framework
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross observed grief in
her patients and in their families. She
saw grief as a journey which had
stages. She felt that the griever was
pulled by an invisible thread through the
darkness of loss towards the light. This
„trusting‟ framework will be very helpful
for some individuals.

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Stages theory
The stages she observed were:
Stage 1: Shock and denial
Stage 2: Anger/bargaining
Stage 3: Depression and detachment
Stage 4: Dialogue
Stage 5: Acceptance
Elisabeth Kubler Ross - On Death and Dying
1969

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A fluid movement.
Her theory was not rigid
however…it was understood
that in moving forward at
times people will move
backwards and forwards, for
example between anger and
depression, but will
eventually come out the other
side.

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A male framework
William Worden had a task theory of
grief. He felt it was something that
people had to „do‟. This „power‟ model
which emphasises the need for action
will assist some individuals as they feel
more relaxed when they know the
experience as something that they can
control.

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The Task Theory
To accept the reality of the loss
To experience the pain of grief
To adjust to an environment in which
the significant person is no longer
present
To reinvest emotional energy
J.W. Worden, Grief Counselling and Grief
Therapy 1982, pp 11-16

Dual Process Model
Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut
(1999)
This recent model of grief and loss
maintains that both grieving and
avoiding grief are necessary for a
successful resolution and pragmatic
coping with a loss.
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Dual Process
Active confrontation with loss may not be necessary for a positive
outcome. There may be times when denial and avoidance of reminders
are essential. Most individuals can expect to experience ongoing
oscillation between a loss orientation (coping with loss through grief
work, dealing with denial, and avoiding changes) and a restoration
orientation (adjusting to the many changes triggered by loss, changing
routines, and taking time off from grief). This reflects a movement
between coping with loss and moving forward, but the extent to which
one needs either of these dimensions differs for each individual.
Read more: Loss Grief and Bereavement - Coping With Loss - Theory,
Family, History, Development, Family, Emphasis, Individual, Model,
Grieving, and Illness http://family.jrank.org/pages/750/Grief-Loss-
Bereavement-Coping-with-Loss.html#ixzz1Iq7pcS00
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A framework for
children
Seasons of the year.
Autumn – losing leaves….losing someone
Winter – cold and dark….feeling sad
Spring – new little buds coming….feeling
hope, knowing change is happening
Summer – lovely colours, sun
shining….feeling happy again

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Visual symbols are
helpful for everyone….
Children need concrete tools to
understand concepts that are new to
them and which they can‟t directly
experience in the present.
The caterpillar/butterfly is also a great
analogy for children – but adults get it too!

The Broken Leg analogy
A broken leg once set can heal beautifully.
However if it is broken and not set in the right
fashion it can get infected or heal in a warped
manner and a limp may result and at worst
death can happen.
Grief needs padding and support, cleaning of
the wound and time to heal without too much
pressure – just like a broken leg!
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2. Letting go, saying
goodbye… in ceremony.
Since the beginning of time humans
have used ceremonies and symbolism
to help make sense of and work through
major life events. The funeral ceremony
is a way that we say goodbye and have
a marker for our memories. But
ceremonies can be encouraged to be
personal things for various losses.

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Saying Goodbye.
Building a garden bed or gazebo
Going for a walk on the beach and throwing a
bottle out with a message.
Letting doves or balloons free
Writing a poem or letter
Even divorcees are having goodbye parties like
a „wake‟.
Encourage people to „say goodbye‟ as many
times as they need it in their own unique ways.
Saying goodbye to a body part and thanking it
for the work it has done and promising never to
forget it….can be amazingly freeing.

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3. Keeping connected in
a new way. Questioning
techniques.
Losing someone or something precious
doesn‟t mean we have to cut them off….
Encourage people to find ways of staying
connected…
When you think about „George‟ where do
you like to imagine he is right now?
When do you feel closest to George…what
are you doing when the pain eases?
Having a memory album that you go
through can be helpful.

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4. Micro-losses as a way
to build a future.
Finding out all the things someone has
lost when they lost a loved one or
something special to them is validating
and can give clues to the helper.
When you lost Katie what else did you
lose Joe?
I lost, my best friend, my confidant, my
house cleaner, my cook, my budgeter,
my social planner, my lover, my
cuddler.

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See what can be
done about some of
the micro-losses…
“Well Joe we can never replace Katie, she
was so wonderful, but I am wondering about
that cuddling…I have a friend who has a new
puppy that needs a home, I think he will lick
you to death…or… I have heard that full
length body pillows can really help someone
feel comforted at night when they feel alone
in the bed and they miss their partner. Can I
find out where you can get one of those for
you?”

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5. Support
search.
Who or what is out there to help you?
Who has offered support?
What do you know about supports in the
community right now?
By questioning you are reminding a person of
their need for support and checking their own
resources and knowledge.

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6. Introduce new
supports
As a worker wanting to support
someone through grief…get to know
all the community supports available
so that you can suggest other
alternatives if the individual isn‟t
aware of supports.
Grief and loss libraries, group
programs, grief counsellors, grief
buddies, associations, web sites etc.

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Seasons for Growth
This program is a four week program to help
people who have had a loss in their life. It will
give you the skills to cope and share with
others who have been in a similar situation.
Many teenagers, children and adults have been
helped with the Seasons for Growth Program.
If you feel you or someone you know would
benefit, go to the Good Grief Website and find
out more. www.goodgrief.org.au

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7. Check for
complications.
Sometimes people have really
unpleasant things which accompany
their loss which can infect the wound of
grief and make it really hard to
heal….check for these complicating
factors…
6 complications are presented later….

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Grief and personal
growth

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How can we help ourselves
feel better?
1. Be real about how you feel.
Express it.
Even if you have no one you can tell,
write down your thoughts, even your
worst ones or speak these out loud
on a beach. Tell God if you believe in
him.
Better than this find a trusted friend
or confidant that you can be real with.
If you don‟t have anyone you can be
honest with, seek out a counsellor.

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Steps forward….
2. Don’t feel that you have to ‘cut off’ the past.
When people do this it tends to make the healing process a
lot longer.
You are who you are because of the past, the precious
people in your life and all of your experiences both good and
bad. To „cut it off‟ is to cut off part of yourself. It will make
you feel empty.
Instead…face the pain of talking about the person or
situation you have lost. This pain will lessen as a result.

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Steps forward
3. Keep a balance in your thought life.
While at the beginning of a loss we will be consumed
with past events – we will want to stay close in our
thoughts to the person or situation we have lost (this
is only natural), over time try to concentrate on the
moment you are in and plan a little for the future.

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Steps forward
4. Watch guilt or blame…get rid of it (its like a
cancer that grows and consumes)
When life lets you down, its easy to blame people, God or
yourself. This is a natural stage and provides „some‟ relief
for a time. But be careful of vows…‟I will never forgive
them‟, „I will never forgive myself‟, even „no-one
understands‟ is a form of blame of others, and „If there is a
God, He‟s either making a lot of mistakes or is obviously
disinterested!‟

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Steps forward
5. Be sensible with self care
Make sure you eat well, get lots of sunlight, walk a
lot, keep routine sleep, reduce workload and laugh as
much as you can. The „looking after yourself‟ body
soul and spirit is really important.

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Steps forward
6. Drug Use
When you experience a loss it is better to find natural ways
to cope rather than use medication. Sometimes in extreme
circumstances doctors do prescribe drugs for the
depression or sleeplessness than can occur in grief.
It is really important to stay clear of alcohol or other non
prescribed drugs if you are in grief. Individuals in grief are
the most at risk with going too far with these things because
they are trying to numb emotional pain. This is of course far
more dangerous than carefully prescribed medication when
legitimately in need.

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Steps forward
7. Find friendships and support
The friends you make in grief are incredibly special.
They may be completely different from your normal
friends.
Get out and get involved with new aspects of life.
Even if you don‟t feel like it, take baby steps forward.

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A step UP…
1. Grief can become a time of
spiritual awakening.
Many people find their limitations through
a significant loss. They can no longer do
what they once did, or protect themselves
in the same way. They will often say they
have found a „higher power‟ when all their
strength fails.

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A step UP
2. People can find new purpose for their
lives.
Many people experience a new found love of helping
others, and a sense of peace about material things.
They don‟t matter like they used to. We realise the
real value of life.

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A step UP
3. Becoming more grounded….helps you
fly
It is true. Smelling the roses, knowing what counts in
life, helps you prioritise and achieve greatness in this
life.

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A step UP
4. Suffering is everywhere…none of us have
a monopoly
Unfortunately this planet is less than perfect.
However the suffering we experience can make
us greater people, with greater empathy with
greater resourcefulness and a passion to
extinguish pain wherever we see it.

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Lessons of life from
children
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked
about a contest he was asked to judge. The
purpose of the contest was to find the most
caring child.
The winner was: A four year old child whose
next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman
who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing
the man cry, the little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and
just sat there. When his mother asked him
what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy
said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

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Lessons of life from
children
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop
and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out
for a part in a school play.His mother told me that he'd
set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would
not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to
collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes
shining with pride and excitement."Guess what Mom," he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain
lesson to me............................
"I've been chosen to clap and cheer."

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Exercises for times of
grief
1. Map of Life
Goal setting is an important part of beating
depression.
Draw a map of your life – each separate domain.
Add one new goal for each area for the new year.

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Exercises
2. Write to the one you have
lost
Connectedness is central to
emotional wellbeing.
Write a letter or journal to the one
you have lost or the part of yourself
that you have lost. Say goodbye,
express your regrets and sadness
and also your gratefulness.
End on a positive note about your
goal for the future as a result of
your loss.

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Exercises
3. Stretching and rocking
Stress and trauma which is part and parcel of grief
builds up tension in the body…the body keeps
bracing itself for disaster.
Do lots of stretching exercises and do rocking
exercises and cross lateral patterning to release off
tension.

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Exercises
4. Laughing
Laughing has been shown in research to release
serotonin…the happy hormone in the brain, it
improves immune function, flushes the face, and
provides a sense of wellbeing. We can fool our brain
into thinking we are happy with fake laughing.
Make laughing noises, ha ha – hee hee- ho ho and
make them loud, move up and down and smile widely
while doing this…do it for 2 mins 3 times a day
whether you feel like it or not.

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Exercises
5. Examine all your senses again.
Get in touch with the moment.
Have an excursion to particularly exercise your sense
of smell…
The same for hearing…
Sight
Touch
Taste….get adventurous.

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Exercises
6. Try to enjoy people and
their differences
There are lots of different
types out there in the world.
Take a new perspective,
notice people, their
expressions, their features,
their voices.
In your appreciation of people,
you may find the favour is
returned yielding unexpected
friendships and joy.

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Exercises
7. Take a big pillow to bed.
Hold it close to your chest.
In loss we can feel like children again, needing
holding and comfort. If we have lost the one who held
us, it will be important to have as much touch as
possible. This doesn‟t always happen. Take a pillow
to bed an cuddle it. No matter how old you are….this
can feel great and relieve the internal ache.

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Exercises
8. Hold your forehead and
back of the head, and cross
your feet together.
This position brings a lot of comfort
quickly and provides a sense of
wellbeing. Maybe our parents did it
for us when we were babies…who
knows why it works…but it works.

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What happens when
people get „stuck‟ in their
grief?

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Complications to the
grief process
6 reasons for extended grief and what
to do about it

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1.
Denial of Grief This is when someone
doesn‟t get to
experience their
emotions as a result of
deliberate or
unintentional
avoidance. It can
postpone and cause
mayhem to our normal
grief reactions.

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What can be done to remedy
denial of grief?
Read more information
Attend a community
support group
Call someone from a
community support
group
Speak to a counsellor
Get help to deal with
past issues or present
energy stealers.
Design a ceremony.
Give permission to
„feel‟. Emotions are not
wrong.
Use debriefing
strategies…. What
happened, what were
you thinking, what were
you feeling. Drawing –
Music – take
opportunity to feel when
it arises.

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2.Abuse of
grief This is when others do
not allow grievers to
express their distress
and sorrow in loss.
This can be from a
selfish motivation or
from a mistaken belief
that it is best for
everyone, not to talk or
think of the „problem‟ of
death or loss.

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What can be done to
support abuse of grief?
Actively not listen
Remove self from
atmosphere of
abuse
Educate „abusive‟
voices.
Read literature
Attend a support
group
Seek help from a
counsellor
Find supportive
people
Journal the
experience
Be your own best
friend.

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3. No Good byes
This often accompanies
sudden death and is usual in
suicide situations. The
suicide victim may leave a
note or say goodbye, but
survivors rarely get the
chance.
Children may be particularly
vulnerable to this complication
to the grief process.

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What can be done to say
goodbye.
Emphasise that it is never
too late to say goodbye.
Find a way to say your
goodbye – make an
endpoint.
Ask a friend or relative to
help in a simple „ceremony‟
of goodbye
Community opportunities…
memorial services etc.
Talk to someone in
a support group
about how they
said their good-
byes.
Speak to a
counsellor about
ways to make a
„goodbye‟ a
personal and
healing time.

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4.
Confusion
about
reasons.
We long to know why
something so
tumultuous happens. It
is important for us to
have a way to think
about a loss event so
that our „framework‟ for
meaning in life can stay
intact.

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What do you think you
could do to attend to this
complication?
Seek more information
so that the event
makes sense.(read
books, speak to Drs
etc)
Talk to other survivors
whose loved one was
in a similar situation –
if there has been a
death.
Speak to a counsellor.
Agree inside that
while all answers
may not be clear
now… as time
passes the answers
may come.
Be clear in your
mind that self blame
is not a reasonable
answer to „why‟.

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5.
Blame/shame Blame is related to our
need for reasons and
meaning. We blame
ourselves, others, the
situation, the system or
God. Blame keeps us
a prisoner of pain,
even though it is a
natural human
tendency.

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What can be done to
attend to this
complication?
Write a list of possible
people, situations or
things that we might have
felt was to blame for our
loss.
Check for body reactions
or ruminations in the
mind.
Talk to a professional.
Take a step back and
think… they are (I am)
only human… we all can
make mistakes, none of
us knows the future. God
(life) is not out to get me.
Release blame. Verbalise
it. Assist people to
understand that releasing
blame, releases them,
releases us from wasting
emotional energy.

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6.
Trauma Trauma relates to a
change in brain
chemical reactions
as a result of undue
or prolonged stress.
Trauma can be
treated. Drug and
trauma therapies
are highly
recommended for
sufferers.

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What can be done to
support trauma?
Write a list of body
sensations and
body complaints
that has been
present since the
loss..
Ask yourself, does
this get better over
time or worse?
Does it constitute
trauma?
Read about
strategies to relieve
trauma reactions in
the body. Tapping,
exercise, relaxation,
laughing.
Seek professional
help.
Talk to other
sufferers.

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Antidotes for
complications
1. Denial of grief
2. Abuse of grief
3. No good byes
4. Confusion about
reasons.
5. Blame/shame
6. Trauma
Get permission
Don‟t listen, find kinder
voices.
Never too late……
Answers and meaning
will come… just rest.
Be aware - get help to
stop.
Get treatment

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Sensible emotional first
aid
Good education
Good friends
Good food
Good rest
Good work
Good exercise
Good fun
Good touch
Good drink
Good faith
These are the first
ports of call for any
emotional distress,
including any losses
including the death
of someone close to
us.

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Toni Mehigan
Psychologist/Grief and Loss
Educator
This presentation has been put together by
Toni Mehigan.
Toni can be contacted on 07 47724103 or by
email on admin@cta.com.au

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