1. The presentation Farmington/Farmington II s
for Hi
Commissionon Children,Youth and Families
ThursdayNovember6tn,2008
Adlerian Parentins with Mv Multicultural Experiences
quot;A DemocraticChild Trainingo'
MAMFC, LPC, NCC, BL, BA
Prepared Kikuko McCandlish,
by
First of all,I would like to talk aboutmy multiculturaljoumey startingin Japan.I was
bom and grew up in Japan.I stayedin Japanuntil I receiveda Bachelorof Law degree
from Konan University, Kobe, Japan. I have spenthalf of my life in Japan,and have
spentanotherhalf of my life in Germanyand The United Statesof America. In total, I
hive beento 24 differentcountriesincluding Asia, CentralAmerica, North America,
Westemand EasternEurope,Russia,and Australia. I spentthe whole of my life to study
Japanese law, philosophy,political science, English, German,Spanish,and Swedish
languages cultures,Koto music
and (Japanese String Instrument),divinity, chilO
devilopment,parenting,psychology,and counseling. total, I have a Bachelorof Law
In
degreefrom Japan,a B.A. in Political Sciencedegreefrom GonzagaUniversity, Spokane,
WA, and a M.A. in Marriage and Family Counselingdegreefrom Adler School of
Professional Psychologyin Chicago,IL. After working in the administrativedepartment
at Consulate-General Japanin Frankfurt/Main,Germanyfor 6 years,I got married
of
with an American in Frankfurt, Germany.Two yearsafter our daughterwas born in
Germany,we moved back to America. After our son was born in Philadelphia,I started
to work as a part time studenttoward a Masterof Divinity degreeat EasternBaptist
TheologicalSeminaryin Philadelphia, and studiedthere for 7 yearsuntil we moved to
FarmingtonHills, Michigan. When our daughterwas attendinga preschoolin Wayne,
pA, my husbandand I took a parentingcoursewhich was basedon Adlerian Psychology.
This parentingcourseopenedmy eyes,and encouraged to becomea parenting
me
educator and a LicensedProfessional Counselorlater'
Throughtheselife processes, finally decided apply for Americancitizenship
I to in
fhiladilphi ain 1993because wantedto live in America as an active participant,not as a
I
guest. {in. y.* later, on March 2nd,7gg4,Ibecamean American in Philadelphia.It was
a cold day, but I was very wann because the excitement. My husbandand our children
of
attended naturalizationceremony
lhe with me. American Governmentstartedin
philadelphia,and my life as an American startedalso in Philadelphia.What's a
coincidence! was a greatfeeling. We as a family usedto take a walk in Valley Forge
It
Park where GeneralGiorge Washingtonand his army stayedduring the cold winter.
What
When I took a walk *ornd Valley ForgePark, I often askedPresidentWashington
I could do for this country as a new American.One day my prayer was answered, that
on

2. day I madea commitment to raiseour childrento be resilient,competent, responsible,
thoughtful,and contributing adults for America and beyond.In September1994,1started
to teachAdlerian parentingclasses Japanese English in Wayne, PA. My husband
in and
and I have raisedour children through Adlerian parentingmethodsfor more than 20 years.
In 2006, we sentoff our daughterto NorthwesternUniversity, Evanston,IL, and we sent
off our son to Michigan StateUniversity this fall. Our housebecamean empty nest.
When I looked back my life, Adlerian parentingand psychologychangedmy life- -
tremendously.In different countries, peoplebehavedifferently, and sometimesI was
confusedby thosebehaviors.I often believedwhat peoplesaid,but peopleoften didn't do
what they said.i was sad and angry for thosemisbehaviors, and I becamebitter.
Aifred Adler's theory (Adlerian Psychology)guidesme to understand human behaviors.
Adlerian psychologyemphasizes not the words, but the actions. Actions tell the truth.
on
ThroughAdlerian parentingcourses, leamedto separate deedfrom the doer in the
I the
caseof other people's misbehaviors.This teachingtransformed feelingsfrom bitter to
my
compassion. Adlerian Psychologyis often called socialpsychologyand common sense
psychology.Adlerian parentingis the democraticchild training. Adlerians believethat
we are social animals.We strive to belongto our society. Peoplemisbehave when they
can't find their own placesin our society. Rudolf Dreikurs,M,D. points out the
following misbehaviors. Qhildren needto belongto survive.and thev sometimes to .,
try
6elong by misbehaving..TFe four goalsof misbehaviorare (l)Attention, (2)Power,(3)
ffiInadequacy.Whenchildrenfeelinsecure,theyseekattention.
When children feel inadequate, they seekpower. When children feel insignificant,they
seekrevenge.When children feel useless, they use displaysof inadequacy.Theseare
their coping skills. I saw often thesemisbehaviors amongadultstoo. They don't know
how to belong in useful ways. They can learnpositive coping skills through the method
of naturaland logical consequences encouragement.
and
I havetaught Adlerian parentingclasses more than 14 yearsin Japanese English.
for and
Ihaveusedthet.*t,.@]@il&fqre..{r..tiquot;:-perentineThistextemphasizes
democraticchild training. The democraticchild-traintngprocedures basedon
are
principlesof equality and mutual respect. Adults and children are not the same'Equality
meansthat children are equal to adultsin terms of humanworth and dignity. Democracy
permitschoice.Democraticparentsprovide opportunitiesfor children to make decisions,
within limits, and to be responsible thesedecisions. The text providesa disciplinary
for
techniquethat replacesreward and punishments, permits choice,and allows childrento
be responsible their own decisions. The altemativeto reward and punishmentis
for
calledquot;natural and logical consequencesquot;. The text also providesencouragement. This
implies valuing the child as a unique individual who requireslove and respect.
Encouragement meansbuilding our child's confidenceand feeling of worth' If we want
our childrento seethemselves worthwhile persons, must acceptthem as they are,
as we
fftffilItheir imperfections. Few children will learnto believein themselves their
if
parentsdo not bllieve in them. We must be alert to point out the positive aspects their
of

3. efforts. To feel adequate,children must feel useful and know that their contributions
count. We must focus on contributions,assets, and strengths children.
of
Encouragement implies reasonableexpectations(one step at a time), and that we accept
the child's efforts and failures as well as success.
The contentsof the text are as follows:
kuno.rstanding YourselfandYour Child
BeliefsandFeelings
2. Understanding
.3. Encouraging
Your Child andYourself
Developing Courage Be Imperfect
The To
4. Listening Talkingto Your Child
and
5. HelpingChildrenCooperate
6. DisciplineThatMakesSense
7. Choosing Your Approach
Teaching parenting classes beena positive
has experience me andI havelearned lot
for a
ftom otherparents.I haverecognized everybody a gift to share
that has with others.
WhenI wasin Japan, thoughtAmerica
I is a meltingpot. Throughmy eyes,I realized
thatAmerica not a meltingpot.Nowadays,
is people Americaa mixedsalad
call bowl
country. I think that Americais a mixed flower vasecountry.Eachuniqueindividualis
shining withoutlosingherlhisidentityin theprocess democracy.
of Democracy a vase
is
to hold eachunique flower. Now, I truly understand democracy from the heartthrough
Adlerian parenting, I am proudof becoming American
and an because democracy.
of
We aredifferent, we areunitedby democracy.I
but believe thata solidfamily is a
foundation a successful
of country.I sawmanypsychological orphans this country,L
in
Many teenagers become members gangs
of because those gangmembers showcareffi
lovelike a family. Children needa stable family,careandencouragement. is Life
difficult,andsometimes is verypainful.We can'tcontrolotherpeople's
it behaviors, but
we cancontrolour own behaviors. husband I led our children seetheir
My and to
disappointments andfrustrations asreasons doubtthemselves asreasons
not to but to
develop strength resolve.
and

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