Lecture #2

1. Sadhaka “Mel” Resident
BDSM Specialist
Synner’s Haven Club

2. This lecture examines negotiation in BDSM. It examines the
broader relationship as well as the individual experiences. There
will be about 20-25 minutes of “lecture” followed by directed
discussion on personal experiences.
• Basic Rules of Thumb
• Relationship Negotiation
• Scene Negotiation
• The Safe Word Debate
• Aftercare Notes
• Questions to Discuss

3. Trust & Communication are essential
Control and responsibility go hand in hand
Dominants only have as much power as the
submissive consents to giving them
If one person’s pleasure is at the other’s expense,
its abuse
Do not give up more or give more than you can
take
Go with your gut

4. Long-Term
Total Power Exchange (24/7 Consensual)
Community-Based Roles (Femdom, Gor, Leather)
Lingo-Based Roles – Top/Bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave
Short-Term
Scene or conditionally specific, often fulfills a fantasy
May involve a questionnaire & more dialog
May be on-going, one time, much, play party, or professional

5. Let’s look at the types of things to be discussed before a “scene”, sometimes
called a play session. Generally any form of 24/7 lifestyle certain aspects of this
list are discussed at the beginning of the relationship.
Roles- predetermined by lifestyle or scene
Location – where, privacy
Time limits
Clothing/attire
Types of play - fetishes/kinks
Mental aspects – triggers, psychological
Health issues
Hard Limits/ Soft Limits
Aftercare

6. Safewords is a word or series of words used as code by the
submissive when the scene is becoming too much. There are
generally two recognized types of safewords – red words stop a
scene and yellow words slow the scene down. Safewords are
typically words not used during sex like names of fruits, species of
animals, or types of cars. There is much debate as to whether or
not safe words should be used at all. Some believe proper upfront
negotiation negates the need for safewords. Others feel its an
afront to trust in a BDSM relationship. Those in favor of safewords
feel its added security. Safewords are almost always standard
practice in play parties and professional settings. The debate is
ongoing with both sides having valid arguments.

7. Aftercare is essential, regardless of whether it is 24/7 or short term
relationship, and regardless of scene. It is the point where the
experience ends and real life resumes, and there are
physical/psychological/emotional reactions to acknowledge.
Duration
First Aid vs. Selfcare (sometimes not an option, especially with
intense sadomasochism)
Physical Touching vs. Near Each Other
Talking vs. Silence
Other – 24/7 relationship rules, play parties & professional rules,
Follow-up of scene / play session (when? Face to face or
phone/email?)

8. • Do you agree with the basic rules? disagree? Want to add on?
• Which type of relationship are you in now? Was it negotiated first?
• If you are a member of special community does it dictate
negotiations?
• Do you use questionnaires? Do you love/like/dislike/hate them?
• Ever been to a play party or dungeon? Did the house rules give
wiggle room or were they strict? Did it take you outside of your
norms?
• Have you negotiated every parts of a scene in the level detail
outlined? What are the most important parts in your opinion?
• What are your feelings on safewords?
• How do you negotiate aftercare?