An inside look of Borderline Personality Disorder - A "Self" Advocacy

1. The Looking Glass – A “Self” Advocacy
My experience with having Borderline Personality Disorder began when I was
born. My awareness of those experiences is currently less than two years in age.
My research on the matter has led me to conclude that few are able to express
these experiences. Those within, myself included, often have difficulty expressing
adequately, and those on the outside are easily categorized into two groups: those
who believe what you are about to read, and those that do not.
Only you will know if any content in this site applies to you. Please do not expend
your energy informing me that I have made any claims regarding you personally.
I do not know you, and so could not possibly do so.
Keep in mind, you do not know me either.
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2. The Looking Glass INDEX Know One Thing
Physics Believe
We Know
Without Notice Understand - Differently
It‟s Not “Real”
Look Inside See What You Cannot
Difference How Could You?
Gone Gone Too All Gone
Time What Will You Do
Differently?
Losing the Battle
Because We are at War
Extremes Commonalities
Self – Not Mood The True Fight Coping When You
Cannot
Our Language Insanity?
Needs Don‟t Believe
More Everything You
Think You Know
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3. The Looking Glass
The “Looking Glass,” of course refers to the topsy-
turvy world that people with BPD enter into that scares
the Hell out of them and wreaks havoc and chaos in the
lives of those around them.
The term is somewhat borrowed from literature, but
is an old common term for mirrors. The bipolarity of
thought that coincides with BPD experiences and the
comings and goings of such enormous facets of our very
identity to a place where Non-BPDs have a hard time
believing even exists makes the mirrored world an ideal
representation to illustrate some of what we experience.
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4. Commonalities
I will not pretend to know first-hand the exact perspective of the Non-BPD, just
as I ask that you believe you cannot know ours. I can tell you that BPD‟s and Non‟s
most assuredly share common experiences. The clarity of seeing which ones are
shared and which ones are not is crucial to understanding as best as possible.
To love someone and see them in pain is incredibly agonizing. To be spited by
someone you love and are trying to help is too. To remain in the life of BPD, you have
probably already questioned yourself on a regular basis. “What can I do? What
should I not do? Is this going to upset him/her? Or, if I don‟t do it, will it upset
him/her?” And to remain in the situation that is typical of a relationship where one
has BPD, dependencies, co-dependencies, insecurities, fears, pain, fatigue, emotional
and physical exhaustion are all part of your daily life. And yet you remain. You are a
caring, well-meaning, intelligent, giving, and otherwise-stable person. And yet the
situation continues. You have dedicated yourself to help. You have sacrificed much
and have allowed the disorder to become part of every aspect of your life. The person
with BPD made sure of this. They are desperately seeking relief and have prioritized
this search above and beyond everything else. So, in efforts to support, you prioritize
it to. You suffer. They suffer. Those around you suffer. And then, every so often,
you get to look through the looking glass at the person on the “other” other side. All
the while, they are in constant fear knowing the mirror will reflect as it always does,
just as you are aware of it too.
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5. Believe
I have experienced losses in physical abilities that range
from my foot falling asleep, to sheer exhaustion due to various
factors including surgeries, drunkenness, medications and
street-drugs, not eating or drinking, and sleep deprivation.
When the ability to perform an action is gone, it is not as if
we have a reserve tank to utilize until we get to the next gas
station. Cognitive abilities are no different, even if only gone
intermittently. Storage, recall, beliefs, thoughts and entire
personalities are much more fragile than people are able to
realize unless they experience the fragility first-hand.
If you cannot experience BPD from the inside, you are the
fortunate one. Given the bizarre nature of it, you are left only
with your imagination and trust.
Believe.
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6. Know One Thing
You cannot be there with us. You can only make your best effort to
understand what we describe to you. Cellular biology teaches us of the various
cell walls that allow for entrance of certain molecules and not others.
If you have not read Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, do so; it helps.
But unlike the escaped cave dweller, we cannot describe our experiences or
reality adequately because it defies any consistency that allows for description.
Socrates: Know that you do not know.
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7. Our Language
While many people with BPD have learned enough of the human language
to communicate with some effectiveness, there still remain tremendous
amounts of differences in the definitions, translations, and interpretations of
words and ideas.
My experiences in this world make more sense to me when I realize these
differences. As in any language or cultural clash, there will no doubt forever be
differences that opposing views will not or cannot understand.
BPD people tend to get frustrated with this language barrier. When
suffering, and a lack of communication about the suffering exist, the suffering
becomes increasingly worse as does the frustration. Rage, self-harm, violence,
cruel words, drug use, yelling, and crying are those ineffective forms that BPDs
resort to during their times of frustration. It reminds me of people who I have
witnessed speaking English louder so that the non-English speaking person will
understand it. It makes no logical sense, but many people do it.
The simple fact is, that when BPDs speak, few are willing or able to listen.
Those that do get so quickly burned out that they soon either leave or retaliate
with their own unhealthy responses.
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8. Understand - Differently
Non-BPDs speak of their hardships and struggles. They complain about
normal life difficulties and typically result in asking, “What about me?” They
read support and self-help books to keep them from drowning in nonsensical
world of the BPD person. They indulge in descriptions and strategies that are
inaccurate and ineffective which frustrates them further. They read of coping
skills for them to exist with and support us. Then the human side of them
surfaces when we are burning to a crisp in our anguish, and they are upset
because of the odor and smoke. “Can‟t you burn someplace else?” “What
about me?”
Many mean well. They give and they give and they give. And they do
suffer. The very same human qualities that have gone berserk in the BPD
person surface in the Non-BPD people. Finally, they speak our language. The
barrier has been broken. They are angry now. They do cry. They seem to feel.
Wait a minute, they are not destroying themselves, their relationships with
those they love, or cutting or burning themselves to feel better. It was all just
an illusion to believe they were like us. They do not have the pain and madness
so they cannot comprehend it. Without comprehension, there is no
understanding.
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9. Insanity?
Some of the greatest philosophers, spiritualists, and physicists of all
time have concluded that knowing that we might not know something is
a central key to understanding. This idea essentially drives many
religions, philosophy and theoretical physics.
Why is it that people who are considered to be sane and well
continue to do the same thing over and over while expecting different
results?
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10. Difference
Non-BPDs struggle through life not unlike the ancients and poets
have written about. They experience
losses, grief, pain, frustration, anger and challenges. They may even
experience trauma, abuse, depression, betrayal, abandonment, etc.
But to BPDs – who only wish to have these things alone to contend
with – they can seem quite trivial. To the Non-BPDs, it makes logical
sense to see triteness in the BPD‟s concerns, anguish and pain. We
only complain of the fire. No one ever actually sees the flames. In
reality, they cannot even complain about the smoke and heat. Try as
they may, it comes down to complaining about our complaints.
That is not to say that we do not exhibit behaviors that cause
immense pain and suffering of others. Suffering is relative though.
Unfortunately the suffering of the Non-BPD only serves as a
catalyst to the BPD‟s continuing nightmare.
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11. Physics
We are taken – physically taken. We do not consciously choose to go. It is a
frightening, maddening, painful place. I have read many accounts from Nons and BPDs
alike that hold some fantastical relationship between the subconscious and choice. I
have learned of Hindu and bio-feedback methods that allow for altered states of
consciousnesses. I realize (I believe, enough of) the intricacies involved in chemical
reactions in the brain and how these chemicals can be stimulated by thought. I also
know that some brains do not function on a cellular level as they were intended to.
Chemicals may flow, adequately or not. Receptors may utilize or not. Neuropathways
may be physically constructed and deconstructed over time. But, I repeat; we are taken –
physically taken.
Nons speak as if we have “gone” somewhere. Understand that we do go.
Like a reverse wind tunnel or a huge magnet, we get swooped up in the blink of an
eye. Our travels in and out are so frequent that we oftentimes do not recognize which
side of the mirror we are on. We find ourselves in a realm where logic and reality take on
different forms. To survive, we must do as you do to survive in your world. We try and
relate to it the best we can. We try to make sense of it. Even reverse is reverse. When
we understand and apply the new logic, the logic changes. We face what you face when
you are dealing with us. You have the awesome experience of looking into the mirror
seeing what is left of us at these times. But you see no mirror. You only see what you
think is us thinking, talking and behaving strangely, cruelly or even dangerously.
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12. It’s Not “Real”
Each time we are taken into the abyss that resides in the
reflection, we are told that this is not happening and things are not
real. Has anyone given much thought to how they would react if they
were terrified and all they got was the “comforting” response that “this
isn’t real?”
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13. We Know
We know what we do. We know how we are. We know what
we cause. We know what you do for us. We are very much like
you. We have that human part in us too. We shake our heads
in wondering frustration too. We see in the looking glass as well
as out of it, though it may be foggy and vague.
Our mental battle against the physical forces makes us look
weak. Our character, our needs, our cruelty, our immaturity, is all
part of a reverse reflection. But we are spoken to and treated as if
this is us. We have a normal side. The normal side is disgusted with
ourselves and the condition we cannot escape.
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14. See What You Cannot
See the looking glass. Know and believe it is there. See that we are
gone. Know and believe we are taken. Do not be afraid and do not be
mad at us. Do not allow your fears of us to leave us inside the mirror. Are
you threatened? Do you think you will be cut? Burned? Killed? If so, by
all means, run. Call for help.
You draw your sword to protect yourself. Human nature. Realize that
we are experiencing an altered state. We are trying to protect ourselves.
We will even take our own lives to do so. The clutches of the invisible
mirror are strong. The more we struggle, the tighter it holds.
Eventually, we break through only out of exhaustion. When we are
free, we discover the consequences of what occurred during our visit to
Hell, which typically includes a doubting-Thomas who is
upset, confused and has lost a little more faith and love in and for us.
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15. Without Notice
My learned coping skill (going into the looking glass) occurs
without notice. No one counts to ten and hypnotizes me, and what is
worse, no one snaps me out of it. There is a sporadic, spontaneous
snatching. I never know when it will occur or even when it has
already sometimes. Vaguely remembering encounters. Vaguely
remembering the aftermath and its residuals. Then to be met with an
exhausted support system that berates us for thinking, saying and
doing things that occur within a dissociative, fugue-like state.
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16. Look Inside
Looking through the looking glass from the inside out, people in general appear
strange. Faces contort as if alien-like. Eyes, ears, noses, mouths, all look just
enough out of place and proportion to bring a distorted face that resembles an
abstract Picasso portrait. Even pictures of people that should be familiar to me look
different.
People become somewhat caricature-like.
Smells are disturbing. People in particular smell horrible. Just the smells in a
room, or the air outside is foul.
Many memories simply vanish. While there are empty periods of time making it
obvious that memories are missing, attempts to retrieve them or build from one
memory to the next so as to piece them together and draw more memories in just
does not happen.
Where I am physically doesn‟t seem to make sense at times. Big picture sorts of
facts, for instance, living in a particular place, working at a particular place, being
with a particular person.
Often, I experience the sensation of the ground under me moving as I walk in
place. My physical point of reference is inconsistent. My eyes tunnel view, and
sometimes from a perspective that really should not be coming from where my eyes
are physically located. Like looking from the side of your head rather than the front
all of a sudden.
Instantaneously, people who were the ones you loved become strangers with an
odd familiarity.
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17. Gone
The “self” changes. Not entirely, but significantly enough to have
polar opposite beliefs and feelings for people. The mirrored self hates who
they loved possibly only moments before. The spite for the very things
that bring pleasure on one side of the mirror brings about a maddening
rage. On the inside, we ask the same questions we ask from the outside.
“Why am I here? Why did I say/do this or that? How could I love this
person? Why do I hurt so badly? Who is the „real‟ me?” These questions
may seem trite to those not profoundly in midst of the pain of answering
them over and over again in BPD nightmare.
When we are gone, it is not us that you are
looking at or listening to or arguing with.
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18. Gone Too
You are not there either. We see a stranger. The person
we loved has disappeared too. We are arguing with a
replacement that we only see and believe in their bad qualities
and more. Do you leave in your experiences?
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19. Time
In or out of the looking glass, continuity of time does not exist. Never
quite fully aware of the passing of time - all just one long moment.
One long moment in the dark - one long moment in the light.
Then we have to adjust to the reality of the world where the clocks
tick and people have things to do.
Sometimes we can achieve fitting in despite the lack of time
orientation but the efforts are extraordinary and routinely exhausting.
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20. Self – Not Mood
It has been said that the more people an individual interacts with, the
more facets of their personality they are able to experience and explore.
Being human has a certain multiplicity to it innately when it comes to
having an identity. We have secrets. We have “personal” lives. Most of us
become - almost – other people depending on who we may be interacting
with: our children, our ex-significant others, our parents, our bosses, our
boss‟ boss, our friends, the cashier at the store, the waiter, the person
interviewing us for employment, a pastor, someone we like and want them
to like us, etc. It is a very human experience.
People with BPD experience this as well. Keeping in mind that we are
people and also have and cope with typical experiences would be an
excellent mantra for the supporter.
From the outside, even those acutely in tune with BPD seem to see only
the polar ends. The spectrum of existence in between the poles is nothing
short of the cause of the feeling of insanity. The threads that tie the out-
skirted extremes do so just enough to make us aware of our madness.
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21. Extremes
We are not normal, and then go to an extreme. We only have
extremes. The “normal” witnessed, may be only an extreme sense of
not having any emotional attachment to anybody or
anything, past, present or future.
We sometimes get a break from the emotional ties and we appear
at peace.
But each of us awaits the next episode. Each of us claws around
in our memories to recall the last one. Each of us tries to once again
re-evaluate the past, present or future on – at the very least – a
subconscious level.
We may appear to be at peace, but we know as well as you what
is lurking in the mirror.
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22. What Will You Do Differently?
Unfortunately, Non-BPDs (generally defined as one who
is involved with a BPD person in some fashion) sometimes
become the BPD‟s worse enemy. Yet they are the people
that have the nearest intimacy to the disorder and they are
the ones who are supposed to be healthy.
For many, the only true complication in their life that
go above and beyond the normal challenges faced in living
is the person who has BPD.
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23. Losing the Battle Because We are at War
Our brains are soldered to fight people – even those who love
and are doing everything they can for us.
What are your brains soldered to do? The same?
We need help. We are losing. You are losing too. We are
experienced in pain. We know you experience much of it because
of us. Help us. Help us by using your intellect. Include only the
emotions of love and compassion.
Many of us will wind up in prison. Or perhaps we will find
someone to be dependent on. We will continue to die a little
more each day. One in ten will take their own life..
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24. The True Fight
Understand true insanity. To expect different
results, something must be done differently.
There is an overwhelming amount of research in existence that
purports recovery methods. Weed through the nonsense and make
good judgments about what applies to each individual.
Fight for us and along side of us.
Help us to shatter this infernal looking glass so it doesn‟t
continue to shatter us and those we know.
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25. Coping – When You Cannot
We hate ourselves for what spews out of our mouths. We are so ashamed of our
words, thoughts, behaviors and our very “selves.” We cannot even regain eye contact
with you for days at a time! You can continue to take this personally, or you can begin
to see it for what it is and decide to love us entirely so you will be motivated to actually
help us, not just exhausting yourself trying to.
When we cope by not saying anything at all, because we know we are unable to do
so without hurting you, we are condemned – sometimes for days – for doing so. This
condemnation – along with the guilt for what we have done and said – only serves to
fuel our own condemnation. Because projection and condemnation help us feel less
pain, I assume it helps you too. Perhaps, if you were not with a person with BPD, you
would be able to utilize that particular coping skill, just like the one of isolating yourself
physically, emotionally, or intellectually. But you must see that with us, we must look
for coping skills that work for both of us. Or, we could continue the way things are.
This technique, which is indeed a struggle to maintain, is referred to in much BPD
literature as “pouting.” The arduous task of controlling ourselves in this manner, let
alone our realizing that it is the only way, is responded to with punitive reactions.
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26. Needs
We, the disordered, understand more than you the depths of the
meaning of “black and white” thinking.
It is a cliché used to provoke a vision of comfort to those not
suffering and having a psychological need to believe they
understand what it means.
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27. How Could You?
We are asked to maintain an awareness of the here and now. We are asked to
self-hypnotize. We are asked to meditate. We are asked to replace thoughts, as
well as entire entities, and realities with polar opposites! Both, in and out of the
mirror!
Would you be able to convince yourself entirely that you were someone else?
How would you respond to people telling you that your current
ideas, thoughts, convictions, pleasures, relationships were all a concoction of a
mental disorder? Suppose you had some crazy, fuzzy, recollection that this was
true? Suppose you remember being both identities – separate, yet attached with
thin threads. Suppose you rode the ride along the spectrum from one pole to the
other, hitting each and every point along the way.
Would you get up each morning and live the life you are currently living?
Would you maintain relationships? Would you be afraid to be around people?
Would you have any anxiety? Would you be able to go to work, never knowing
when or where you will be at any “moment” in time along the spectrum? How
would your priorities change? Would your physical health seem very meaningful
to you? Would washing dishes be a concern? Would you be frustrated? Angry?
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28. More
It is more than learning.
We have learned.
It is more than understanding.
We understand.
We do not have at our avail what is necessary to experience a
continuity of memories, feelings, beliefs, self, you or time.
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29. All Gone
Know that while you watch your loved one disappear, it is your loved
one that is going though the glass. Their entire world changes, including
their “self” and you. As they return, they are still experiencing the trauma
of the very event itself. Trying to land on their feet when they fall through
the glass in exhaustion.
We do not only leave. Everything is taken from us: our memories, our
education, our work history, our accomplishments, our loved ones, our
identities, our very minds. There are times when everything is gone, and
there are times when only the bad stays.
We think, “Surely, this cannot be.” And we are right; we are just very
unsure about us being right, and cannot convince ourselves that what is
“real” is not real.
When someone pulls a memory from me that I am not able to pull with
all of my might, I simultaneously experience the present with and without
that memory. Both are real - the event occurring and it not occurring. It
is through the viscosity of the glass that I am swimming through. A bit of
each side.
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30. Don’t Believe Everything You Think You Know
It is our senses that empower the triggers. We interpret benign
thoughts, images, words, actions and inactions as being threats to
our very life.
Eliminating triggers is not the answer. Everything can be, and
often everything is a trigger.
That is why what you do or do not do, say or do not say, seems
so fruitless to you.
Our brains will take any sensory input and modify to fit our
engrained schema.
True help is finding out what is needed to get our brains to stop
doing this.
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31. Moonlight
The Sun never truly leaves and that there is no Moonlight.
There remains – intermittently - only a reflection of what we must
believe in when we no longer see it.
How many people still – and forever will - believe that the Moon
shines?
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