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Surviving the Holidays
A primary conflict within relationships gets labeled "trust issues." He needs to trust her
to be there for him and she must trust him to remain interested only in her. We have a
social convention that sexual fidelity tells us who is trustable and anyone cheating
cannot be trusted. Breaking trust constitutes treason within marriages and gets the
maximum penalty-execution (aka divorce).But when we look deeper into the dynamics
of what are called trust issues, we see that those who scream longest and loudest about
breaches of trust had not only the seed, but a flourishing plant of distrust long before
the relationship began. In fact, the issue of trust in developmental terms is the first
challenge we face, according to classic psychologies.
Surviving the Holidays
We either resolve it in infancy or continue trying to work it out in every significant
relationship thereafter. Therefore to say that anyone in particular violated our trust
misses the point that it could have been anyone, and usually is part of a long history of
betrayal and abandonment.A rule of thumb amongst therapists goes something like,
"like attracts like." People with trust issues look for primary connection to someone
who will provide some manner of solution. The sensible thing would be to choose a
mate who is impeccably trustable. But doing so is no more than accommodation. It
may suffice for awhile, but to depend upon someone else for a quality we failed to
integrate ourselves never works well or lasts forever-any more than a wooden leg
replaces a flesh one.
Surviving the Holidays
More often, we choose partners who exemplify untrustable qualities, then point fingers
at them to prove we knew all along that they would fail us. That way we get the
problem out into objective reality and make it all about them. The myth we tell
ourselves is that if only we can just make him/her, the government, or those foreigners
trustable, then we will feel safe.Trust is not a management problem, despite the current
fad with attempts to medicate or strategize everything. And it's impossible to work it
out within important love relationships with but rare exceptions. No amount of
counseling or strategizing gets to the core issue, because it began well before our
thinking processes even used words.
Surviving the Holidays
It shows up with the kind of energy devoted to basic survival needs-and in fact resides
there. True rage and incapacitating fear are fuel for trust issues, and the reasons we
espouse generally have nothing to The Lost Ways do with what's really going on.Trust
reflects the quality of connection to our prime sources of what we must have in order to
exist, whether it be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. Physically, we had the
umbilical cord as our primary connection in the womb and when that fails to provide
nourishment, our physical bodies die as a result (miscarriage, or still borne). Quality
human contact has proved to be just as vital to psychosocial survival, as well.
http://expositionpark.org/the-lost-ways-book-review/

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Surviving the holidays

  • 1. Surviving the Holidays A primary conflict within relationships gets labeled "trust issues." He needs to trust her to be there for him and she must trust him to remain interested only in her. We have a social convention that sexual fidelity tells us who is trustable and anyone cheating cannot be trusted. Breaking trust constitutes treason within marriages and gets the maximum penalty-execution (aka divorce).But when we look deeper into the dynamics of what are called trust issues, we see that those who scream longest and loudest about breaches of trust had not only the seed, but a flourishing plant of distrust long before the relationship began. In fact, the issue of trust in developmental terms is the first challenge we face, according to classic psychologies.
  • 2. Surviving the Holidays We either resolve it in infancy or continue trying to work it out in every significant relationship thereafter. Therefore to say that anyone in particular violated our trust misses the point that it could have been anyone, and usually is part of a long history of betrayal and abandonment.A rule of thumb amongst therapists goes something like, "like attracts like." People with trust issues look for primary connection to someone who will provide some manner of solution. The sensible thing would be to choose a mate who is impeccably trustable. But doing so is no more than accommodation. It may suffice for awhile, but to depend upon someone else for a quality we failed to integrate ourselves never works well or lasts forever-any more than a wooden leg replaces a flesh one.
  • 3. Surviving the Holidays More often, we choose partners who exemplify untrustable qualities, then point fingers at them to prove we knew all along that they would fail us. That way we get the problem out into objective reality and make it all about them. The myth we tell ourselves is that if only we can just make him/her, the government, or those foreigners trustable, then we will feel safe.Trust is not a management problem, despite the current fad with attempts to medicate or strategize everything. And it's impossible to work it out within important love relationships with but rare exceptions. No amount of counseling or strategizing gets to the core issue, because it began well before our thinking processes even used words.
  • 4. Surviving the Holidays It shows up with the kind of energy devoted to basic survival needs-and in fact resides there. True rage and incapacitating fear are fuel for trust issues, and the reasons we espouse generally have nothing to The Lost Ways do with what's really going on.Trust reflects the quality of connection to our prime sources of what we must have in order to exist, whether it be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. Physically, we had the umbilical cord as our primary connection in the womb and when that fails to provide nourishment, our physical bodies die as a result (miscarriage, or still borne). Quality human contact has proved to be just as vital to psychosocial survival, as well. http://expositionpark.org/the-lost-ways-book-review/