1. Language Network
Revising
Sentences

2. Revising Sentences
Padded and Empty Sentences
Refining Padded Sentences
Improving Empty Sentences
Practice and Apply

3. Refining Padded Sentences
A padded sentence has
more words than are
needed to communicate
an idea.

4. Refining Padded Sentences
Sometimes padded sentences have
long phrases that can be replaced
with shorter ones.
At other times, padded
sentences bore your
reader by needlessly
repeating an idea.

5. Refining Padded Sentences
PADDED SENTENCES
STUDENT MODEL
DRAFT
I was upset because of the fact that my Repeats an idea
Repeats an idea
friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters
with me. The reason is he is of the Long phrase
Long phrase
opinion that roller coasters look like
they could be full of danger.

6. Refining Padded Sentences
PADDED SENTENCES
STUDENT MODEL STUDENT MODEL
DRAFT REVISION
I was upset because of I was upset because
the fact that my friend my friend wouldn’t ride
wouldn’t ride the roller the roller coasters with
coasters with me. The me. He thinks they
reason is he is of the look dangerous.
opinion that roller
coasters look like they
could be full of danger.

7. Refining Padded Sentences
Here’s How Refining Padded Sentences
• Think about what you really want to say.
• Look for words and phrases that could
be deleted and never missed.
• Look for places where one or two words
could replace many words.

8. Improving Empty Sentences
Some sentences say nothing or repeat an
idea that has already been stated.
I like bike riding because it is
fun and enjoyable.
IDEA IS REPEATED

9. Improving Empty Sentences
Other sentences make statements that are
not supported by facts.
They are my favorite bikes because
they are the best ones.
NOT A FACT

10. Improving Empty Sentences
Here’s How Filling Empty Sentences
• Eliminate words and phrases that needlessly
repeat an idea.
• Don’t leave your reader asking, “Why?”
Add reasons, examples, and facts to
support your opinions.

11. Practice and Apply
Add a reason or fact to the following
sentence.
1. Train travel is better than car travel.

12. Practice and Apply
Eliminate unnecessary words from
the following sentences.
2. The dining car, where most of the
passengers eat, offers many different
meals and a variety of food.

13. Revising Sentences
Stringy and Overloaded Sentences
Fixing Stringy Sentences
Fixing Overloaded Sentences
Practice and Apply

14. Fixing Stringy Sentences
Both stringy and overloaded sentences
confuse the reader by forcing too many
ideas into one sentence.
Often, the reader can’t tell how the
ideas in the sentence are related.

15. Fixing Stringy Sentences
A stringy sentence contains
too many ideas loosely
connected by the word and.
Stringy sentences seem
to go on and on.

16. Fixing Stringy Sentences
To fix stringy sentences, make each
complete thought a separate sentence.
Write the sentences in a logical order.

17. Fixing Stringy Sentences
You can use conjunctions such as
since, while, when, until, after that,
and because to show the relationship
between ideas.

18. Fixing Stringy Sentences
STRINGY SENTENCE
STUDENT MODEL
DRAFT
My class visited Washington, D.C., and we
went to the National Air and Space Museum,
and we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which
was the first successful airplane, and we
saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate
on the surface of Mars. . .

19. Fixing Stringy Sentences
STRINGY SENTENCES
STUDENT MODEL STUDENT MODEL
DRAFT REVISION
My class visited Washington, When my class visited
D.C., and we went to the Washington, D.C., we
National Air and Space went to the National Air
Museum, and we saw the and Space Museum. First,
Wright 1903 Flyer, which we saw the Wright 1903
was the first successful Flyer, which was the first
airplane, and we saw Viking successful airplane. After
1, the first spacecraft that, we saw Viking 1, the
to operate on the surface first spacecraft to operate
of Mars. . . on the surface of Mars. . .

20. Fixing Overloaded Sentences
An overloaded sentence contains too
much information about a single topic.
You may know what
you need to say, but
your reader won’t
understand you.

21. Fixing Overloaded Sentences
OVERLOADED SENTENCE
STUDENT MODEL
DRAFT
Even though most people think that
pterodactyls, flying reptiles that lived Too many
Too many
more than 65 million years ago in details
details
Europe and East Africa, were huge
animals, not all of them were, and
some of them were about the same
size as a sparrow.

22. Fixing Overloaded Sentences
STUDENT MODEL STUDENT MODEL
DRAFT REVISION
Even though most people Pterodactyls were flying
think that pterodactyls, reptiles that lived more
flying reptiles that lived than 65 million years ago
more than 65 million in Europe and East Africa.
years ago in Europe and Most people think that
East Africa, were huge pterodactyls were huge
animals, not all of them animals, but not all of them
were, and some of them were. Some pterodactyls
were about the same size were about the same size
as a sparrow. as a sparrow.

23. Fixing Overloaded Sentences
Here’s How Revising Stringy and Overloaded Sentences
• Break down your sentences into separate ideas.
• Combine related ideas, using conjunctions such as and,
but, or, so, then, and when.
• Rewrite your sentences as two or more sentences, making
sure that you have not packed too many ideas into any
one sentence.

24. Practice and Apply
Rewrite this stringy sentence.
3. My grandmother’s dog is very helpful
and he will carry the newspaper from her
to my grandfather if she tells him to but
sometimes he wants to play instead.

25. Revising Sentences
Varying Sentence Structure
Rearranging Phrases
Varying Sentence Types
Practice and Apply

26. Rearranging Phrases
Try rearranging the phrases in your
sentence for more impact.
Words that give the most
important information often
have the greatest effect at the
start or end of a sentence.

27. Rearranging Phrases
Minerva opened her front door, and fifteen
of her friends spilled out, wishing her a
happy birthday.

28. Rearranging Phrases
Fifteen of Minerva’s friends spilled out her
front door as she opened it, wishing her a
happy birthday.

29. Rearranging Phrases
Wishing her a happy birthday, fifteen of
of Minerva’s friends spilled out her front
door as she opened it.

30. Rearranging Phrases
There are no precise rules about the
“most important” words in a sentence.
You can put interesting
details up front to grab
your reader’s attention
or at the end to go out
with a bang.

31. Varying Sentence Type
You can make your writing livelier by
including questions, exclamations,
and commands.

32. Varying Sentence Type
VARYING SENTENCE TYPES
PROFESSIONAL MODEL
What can kids do about pollution in their neighborhoods?
Students at Bellamy Middle School in Chicopee, Question
Question
Massachusetts, found out. Chicopee had a problem
storing sludge from factories and sewers. In winter the
sludge froze before it could be taken to landfills. Some
Bellamy students toured the sludge plant to see the Exclamation
Exclamation
problem for themselves—and smell it, too! The town
used the students’ idea of building a greenhouse. . . .
Look around your community for environmental Command
Command
problems you can help solve.

33. Varying Sentence Type
Don’t overuse exclamations. Too many
can make your writing seem breathless
or overexcited.

34. Practice and Apply
Rewrite the following sentence two
ways by rearranging its phrases.
4. The librarian heard a snicker in the
middle aisle near the books by Mark
Twain.

35. Practice and Apply
Add some variety to the letter below.
Rewrite at least three sentences as
questions, exclamations, or commands.
5. You may be interested in time travel or in life on
other planets. If you read science fiction, you can
explore these ideas. Science fiction writers often
combine scientific information and imaginary
characters to create a story. If science fiction appeals
to you, it’s a good idea to try a story by Isaac
Asimov, Anne McCaffrey, or another science
fiction writer.