the four temperaments in marriage and love language

1. HEBREWS 13.4
Let married life be honoured
among all of you and not made
unclean; for men untrue in
married life will be judged by
God.

2. But I tell you that anyone who divorces
his wife, except for sexual immorality,
makes her the victim of adultery, and
anyone who marries a divorced
woman commits adultery.
Mateus 5:32

3. PEOPLE SKILLS INDICATOR
There are 20 sets of 4 words or phrases below.
Rank the words in each set GOING ACROSS, by
assigning a “4”to the word or phrase that BEST
characterizes your personality, a “3”to the word
or phrase that next best characterizes your
personality type, a “2” to the next most, and a
“1”to the word or phrase that LEAST
characterizes your personality type. When you
have ranked all 20 ACROSS, then add DOWN
each column.

4. 1 dramatic precise powerful accommo
dating
2 encourager Deep thinker doer listener
3 motivator organizer achiever mediator
4 charismatic realistic dynamic diplomatic
5 stimulating systematic decisive accommod
ating
6 spontaneous perfectionist risking accepting
7 cheerful purposeful forceful tactful
8 promoter planner producer supporter
9 interruptive critical impatient indifferent
10 unfocused pessimistic controlling indecisive
11 persuasive diligent competitive compassio
nate
12 I fear loss of
relationships
I fear change
and disorder
I fear loss of
control
I fear loss of
harmony

5. 13 I’m
motivated
By fun and
freedom
Belonging
contributing
Power
results
Peace and
balance
14 I like Variety
activities
Facts, data
and order
Bottom line
results
Low key
situations
15 I need to
be
Praised
recognized
Appreciated
for my work
Respected
for
accomplish
ments
Accepted
for who I
am
16 I am
known for
Knowing
how to
have a
good time
Doing things
right
Making
things
happen
Making
people feel
accepted
17 At work I
am known
as
Outgoing
and social
Accurate
and reliable
Direct and
driven
Patient and
neutral
18 I like being
with
people
who are
Verbally
open and
casual
Thoughtful
and do their
part
Competent
and get
their job
done
Caring and
kind
19 I am
frustrated:
Routine
repetition
unpredictabi
lity
incompete
nce
insensitivity

6. And finally !!!!
20 A Key part
of who
I am:
My
relationships
with others
My
organization
and systems
My
accompli
shments
My
stability
21 Under
stress I
become
Fragmented
and
disorganized
Moody and
withdrawn
Dictatori
al and
assertive
Overwh
elmed
and
tired

7. SANGUINE: YELLOW – POPULAR
An extrovert optimist who makes life fun. They talk all
the time and think everything is funny.
• They are bright, fun, the life of the party and
they show off better than they show up. Their
clothes and behavior are meant to be noticed.
They are often shocking and loud. Sometimes,
they think bad attention is better than no
attention at all, therefore, hating indifference
and ice treatments.

8. SANGUINE
• Basic Desire: fun
• Emotional Needs:
attention, affection,
approval
• Cause of Depression:
life/ work no longer fun;
no parties; no spending
• Stress Relief: moments
of fun; eternal shopping
• How to help: visit and
give him gifts; take him
out to eat
• Typical Control Response:
needs to feel loved and that
all is well; laughs; charming,
flirtatious; offers prizes;
friendly; minimizes trouble;
throws parties
• Extreme Control Response:
begs and pleads; pouts, cries,
tantrums; hits, slaps, whines,
helplessness; high drama; lies,
cheats, pretends, seduces.

9. MELANCHOLIC: BLUE - PERFECT
An introverted pessimist who may be prone to genius.
They feel outward dress is a way to express their
creativity without saying a word.
• They are bright, fun, the life of the party and
they show off better than they show up. Their
clothes and behavior are meant to be noticed.
They are often shocking and loud. Sometimes,
they think bad attention is better than no
attention at all, therefore, hating indifference
and ice treatments.

10. MELANCHOLIC
• Basic Desire: perfection
• Emotional Needs: order,
sensitivity, silence, space
• Cause of Depression:
life/ work not perfect; no
hope; no improvement
• Stress Relief: getting
organized, time alone
• How to help: listen to his
problems, show warm
concern
• Typical Control Response:
needs to feel life is moving
towards perfection, keeps
things organized, creates and
follows plans, stays within the
budget, brings beauty and
meaning to places where they
are, sacrifices selflessly,
perfect, researches details
Extreme Control Response:
moodiness; dramatic sighs,
drama, silent treatment well
planned, physically
withdrawing, whithholding,
secrets, lies, snide remarks,
quiet revenge, shows visible
disappointment

11. CHOLERIC: RED - POWERFUL
An extrovert leader who takes charge easily. They are
bossier than the boss and think everybody else is an
idiot.
• They are born leaders and quick
decisive. They don’t like to be told what
to do, what to wear, and may respond in
shock to rules that they consider rigid or
restricting. This is their way of taking
charge.

12. CHOLERIC
• Basic Desire: be in charge
• Emotional Needs: loyalty,
achievement,
appreciation
• Cause of Depression:
life/ work out of control;
no business; no income
• Stress Relief: detach
from problem, start new
project
• How to help: recognize
his effort, put him in
charge
• Typical Control
Response:
needs to feel productive;
convincing; presents logic;
sets goals; delegates; asks
clearly for what they want;
makes quick decisions;
works hard; tries to take
over
Extreme Control Response:
Manipulates, demands; hot
temper, yells, hits, grabs,
threats with actions; name
calling, punishment

13. PHLEGMATIC: GREEN - PEACEFUL
An introvert mediator who rolls with life’s punches. They
are so nice, but never finish anything.
• They are easy going, pleasant, friendly.
They love the word casual and, if they
could, would come to work in their
pajamas.

14. PHLEGMATIC
• Basic Desire: peace
• Emotional Needs: respect,
feeling of worth, peace
and quiet
• Cause of Depression: life/
work not peaceful; no
rest; no escape
• Stress Relief: watches TV,
rests and relaxes
• How to help: keep conflict
down, respect his space
• Typical Control Response:
needs to keep peace; stays
reasonably detached; avoids
high drama and trouble; does
exactly what he is told; sees
what others need and does it;
doesn’t think too deeply; finds
easy ways to do things;
friendly on the surface
Extreme Control Response:
Quiet refusal, procrastinates,
hides, runs away, withdraws,
gives silent treatment,
answers in monosyllables, lies,
keeps secrets

15. THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Verbal compliments and words of appreciation
are powerful communicators of love.
2. QUALITY TIME
Togetherness is the central aspect of quality
time, where quality conversation is important,
and also requires sympathetic listening. How to
listen:
• Maintain eye contact when spouse speaks
• Don’t listen to spouse and do something else
at the same time

16. • Listen for feelings
• Observe body language
• Refuse to interrupt
3. RECEIVING GIFTS
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and
say: “Look, he was thinking of me”, or “she
remembered me”. You must be thinking of
someone to give them a gift, and it is a symbol of
this thought of caring; it is not the thought
implanted in the mind that counts, but the one
expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it
as an expression of love.

17. 4. ACTS OF SERVICE
Jesus Christ gave a simple but profound
illustration of expressing love by an act of
service when He washed the feet of His
disciples.
In Galatians 5.13, Paul says: “brothers, you have
been called unto liberty, but do not use it for an
occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one
another.

18. 5. PHYSICAL TOUCH
Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for
communicating marital love. It can either edify or
break a relationship. It can communicate hate or
love. Whatever there is of me resides in my body.
To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from
my body is to distance yourself from me
emotionally.

19. How to act
towards a person
with the following
love language:
COMMUNICATION ACTION WHAT TO AVOID
WORDS OF
AFFIRMATION
Compliments
Encouragement
Friendly, appreciation,
inspiration
Cards and Notes
Correct tone of voice,
sincerity,
humbleness, privacy
Criticism
QUALITY TIME Time alone together
No interruption
Eye contact
Quality conversations
Take walks together
Picnics, excursions
Do things together
Drink coffee together
Extended time
apart, more time
with others, limited
time together
GIFTS Positive
Facts
Information
Gifts on special
occasions
Surprise gifts
Forgetting special
events
ACTS OF SERVICE I can….
I will….
What can I do for you?
Help with chores
Home maintenance
Good deeds
Ignore his/her
requests while
helping others
PHYSICAL
CONTACT
Non verbal
Visual
Physical contact
Hugs
Physical
abandonment,
neglect or abuse

20. COMMUNICATION
Six levels of communication:
1. General: what we say and how we speak to
strangers.
2. Facts: The sharing of facts regarding our daily and
personal lives.
3. Opinions: At this level, we run the risk of being
involved in conflicts, because, as we begin to express
our opinions, we realize our differences and this may
lead to disunity.
4. Feelings: This is a very sensitive level of
communication because when you express your
feelings, you may be told you are wrong; you may
feel alienated from your spouse.

21. 5. Needs and Desires: At this level, we begin to
share the needs and desires we require of our
spouse. This will require you to have a strong
sense of awareness and security. As you share
your opinions, feelings, needs and desires, you
should not have to fear criticism, to be able to
experience intense love and respect in your
relationship.
6. Convictions: Beliefs reflect who you really are
and what flows out of your heart. This
determines your thoughts, words and actions. At
this level, the spouses listen to each other with
their hearts.

22. EFFECTIVE METHODS OF
COMMUNICATION
• Pay attention to body language
• Repeat words
• Use encouraging gestures
• Be specific. Don’t beat around the
bush
• Maintain eye contact

23. IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
• If you had one feeling, need, desire or
conviction, what would it be?
• Do you feel that I listen, when you speak to
me?
• At what level of communication do you
think we are?
• What can we do to reach the next level?
• What can I do to understand your heart
more?

24. CONFLICT
The importance of resolving conflict is that:
It makes the parties in the relationship
feel worthy and important
It declares the battle insignificant
We get to the root of our emotions
It ensures mutual respect
It encourages and promotes a willingness
to resolve conflict in the future

25. REASONS WHY WE DO NOT HEAR EACH
OTHER
• Due to having been together for a long time, we
assume or anticipate what the other person is
going to say
• We prepare the response while the other is still
speaking
• We become personal
• We resort to unfounded accusations
• We recall and mention the past
• We interrupt each other
• We intimidate or threaten each other

26. MISTAKES THAT WOMEN MAKE
• They hold back and at some point they
explode
• They instigate conflict so as to vent
emotionally
• They want to discuss emotional issues at the
most inconvenient times
• They complain about one thing but mean
something else
• They continue being emotional even though
the situation has been resolved

27. MISTAKES THAT MEN MAKE
• They speak louder and sound cold, angry
and threatening
• They ignore or disregard the woman’s
emotion
• They become frustrated with the speed at
which things are progressing
• They act as if the woman is stupid
• Men want to find a solution all the time

28. BASIC EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF A WOMAN
1. AFFECTION: the expression of feeling –
confirm your love by words, loving
glances and soft touches
TEST
• Is it important that your spouse behaves
affectionately towards you?
• Is intimacy important to you during sex?
• Do you find it difficult to sleep if there are
unresolved issues between you?

29. 2. CONVERSATION: Your spouse cries out:
“you are not listening to me!!”
TEST
• Do you enjoy talking to people?
• Is it important for you to communicate
continually?
• Do you find it easy to speak to strangers?

30. 3. HONESTY AND OPENESS: When you feel that
your spouse is transparent and completely open
hearted. You will tend to feel important and special
when your spouse shares his emotions and daily
activities
TEST
• Do you feel happy and satisfied when
your spouse shares his deepest thoughts,
secrets and insecurities?
• Would you like to know that your spouse
needs your support?

31. 4. FINANCIAL SUPPORT: It often happens,
unfortunately, that people marry for
financial gains
TEST
• Do you expect your spouse to be the
bread winner?
• Do impulsive financial decisions make
you nervous?

32. 5. FAMILY COMMITMENT: This is not primarily
about provision and clothing, but about emotional
condition and development of the children
TEST
• Do you feel happy and satisfied when your
spouse spends time with the family?
• Do you feel disconnected when your spouse is
unreasonable with the children?
• Do you become irritated when your spouse
puts work above the family?

33. BASIC NEEDS OF A MAN
• 1. SEXUAL FULFILLMENT: For a woman to
desire sex, she needs to be emotionally
prepared. For a woman to uncover
herself physically, she needs to be
covered emotionally
TEST
• Does sex make you feel better when you
are at an emotional low?

34. 2. RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP: This
need addresses two needs: the need for
a relaxing activity and the need for a
companion to share the activity with.
TEST
• Do you continually look for a relaxing
activity to do with your spouse? Do you
think of different things?

35. 3. ATTRACTIVE SPOUSE: Appearance is the
most common factor that initially plays an
important role in relationships. For some
people, it remains a very relevant factor for
the rest of their lives
TEST
• Do you feel frustrated when your spouse
is untidy?
• Do you enjoy it when people compliment
your wife’s appearance?

36. 4. DOMESTIC SUPPORT: This refers to
general household chores such as
cleaning, preparing food and looking
after the children
TEST
• Do you feel frustrated when everything is
out of control at home?
• Are you personally very neat and tidy?

37. 5. ADMIRATION: Some people feel
romantic and in love due to their
spouse’s compliments.
TEST
• Do compliments make you feel good?
• Do you feel insecure when your spouse
criticizes you?