Talking about difficult topics like gender, race, sexual orientation, and class can raise anxiety for many people, and yet we must have the conversation in our schools and our lives in order to be more inclusive and change the world for the better. What are the fears and common pitfalls that keep us from broaching courageous conversations? Gain practical skills for responding to hurtful experiences and participating in courageous conversations.
American School in London Social Justice Club Resources
1. American School in London
Student Social Justice Group
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girlsâ School
Framing Ideas and Talking Points
for Diversity, Inclusion, Equity, and Social Justice
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
3. Have Different Methods for Different Occasions
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
4. Develop Your Inner Credible Hulk
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
5. Equality vs Equity
Everybody gets a shirt versus everybody
gets a shirt that fits.
Giving everybody some insulin in
equality. Giving only people who are
diabetic some insulin is equity.
What is âfairâ?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
7. Correlation vs Causation
Correlation: When income is averaged and compared, there
is a strong correlation between gender and income. This is
due to a myriad of historical, systemic, and economic factors that
impact men and women differently in the workplace.
Causation: When income is averaged and compared, there is a
strong correlation between gender and income. This must be
because women must not be as smart, hard-working, or
good with money as men.
Correlation: When more firefighters are fighting a fire, the
bigger the fire is observed to be.
Causation: The additional firefighters made the fire bigger.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
8. Where Weâre From vs Where Weâre Going
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Where We Come From: It used to be that LGBTQ people
were openly discriminated against. Many LGBTQ people
were killed, fired from jobs, kicked out of families, etc. Weâve
come so far; now we have openly gay celebrities, politicians,
and other public figures. There are many states now where
gay marriage is legal and most workplaces have LGBTQ non-
discrimination policies. I donât understand why LGBTQ people
are so angry.
Where We Are Going: We still have LGBTQ people who are
discriminated against. There are still occasions of LGBTQ
people killed, fired from jobs, kicked out of families, and more.
We have a long way to go. There are still a few states where
gay marriage is illegal and workplace LGBTQ non-
discrimination policies donât translate to fair treatment. I donât
understand why straight people are so complacent.
9. Expert Opinion vs Personal Opinion
Expert Opinion: One person holds a Ph.D. in Astronomy, is
widely published in academic journals and books, and has
a national reputation in her field. She states that, based on
the cutting-edge criteria for what constitutes a planet, there
are 8 planets in our solar system.
Personal Opinion: Another person states that there are 9
planets because that is what he learned in school. He has
seen many books with pictures of the planets, he had a
map of the sky in his bedroom as a child, his parents taught
him about planets, and he spent his childhood camping out
and looking up at the sky and identifying constellations, so
he has experience in astronomy. He and many of his
friends agree that there are 9 planets in our solar system.
Is everybodyâs opinion equally valid?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
10. Privilege
âPrivilege exists when one group has
something of value that is denied to others
simply because of the groups they belong
to, rather than because of anything theyâve
done or failed to do.â
[as described by Peggy McIntosh and quoted by Allan Johnson]
Privilege is SYSTEMIC. It drives the
systems that dominate our societies.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
11. Two Types of Privilege
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Unearned Advantage
an unearned entitlement
(i.e. things of value that
all people should have)
that is restricted to
certain groups
Conferred Dominance
bestowed control;
granted authority;
awarded power or
domination- Giving one
group power over
another
13. Situational Advantage
There are prime parking spots and seats
reserved for people with disabilities. People
with disabilities are often first to board
planes and other transportation vehicles.
These advantages are situational and do not
balance out systemic oppression.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
15. An Ally IsâŠ
âa person who is a member of the dominant or
majority group who works to end oppression in
his or her personal and professional life
through support of, and as an advocate with
and for, the oppressed populationâ
Washington and Evans, Becoming an Ally
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
16. An Ally IsâŠ
âSomeone who doesnât have to stand up for
someone else, who might even lose something
if they do, but they do it anyway because they
know itâs the right thing to doâ
6th Grade Student
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
17. Developing into an Ally
Karen Bradberry, PhD
Active Passive Passive Active
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
18. Safety versus Comfort
Safety: I feel that, in this space, I can ask questions without
fear of judgment. I can voice my perspective and know that
I will be validated for the fact that that is my truth. Others
may challenge my ideas, but that challenge is in the spirit of
greater shared understanding and growth.
Comfort: I feel that, in this space, my reality will be agreed
with, validated, and unchallenged. I donât have to explain
myself to be understood, and I donât have to justify my
perspective, as everyone shares it.
Good education happens in an environment where everyone
is safe but not always comfortable...
SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN AND GROW.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
19. Safe Spaces 2.0 â Brave Spaces
ï§ Controversy with Civility
ï§ Own your own intent and impact
ï§ Challenge by choice â with reflection
ï§ Respect in all its multiplicity
ï§ No personal attacks, but pointed
challenges are okay
ï§ Be mindful of the true source of your
emotions
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
20. Speaking From the Heart
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
21. What Weâre Thinking and Feeling
When Receiving an Ouch Moment
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Did that really
happen? Do they
realize? I want to
trust, but Iâve had
this happen so
many times before.
I am so stressed,
confused, hurtâŠ.
22. What We End Up Saying
When Receiving an Ouch Moment
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
That was so
offensive!
I canât believe
you did that!
23. Self Advocacy Through an Ouch Moment
ï§ Affirm the person or relationship
ï§ Describe the behavior without judgment
ï§ Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
ï§ Assume positive intent
ï§ Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
24. Self Advocacy Through an Ouch Moment:
An Example
Is this an okay time to talk to you about something
that happened earlier? I really appreciate having
you as a friend. Youâve helped me through tough
times, and we have so much fun together. Earlier
today, when I got my math test back and I got 98%,
I heard you say, âWell of course you got a 98% -
youâre Asian!â I was really hurt when I heard that.
I work so hard in all my classes and spend a lot of
effort to earn good grades, and it seems like so
many people assume itâs because of my race. Itâs
frustrating and saddening to feel like I donât get to
fully own my accomplishments. I imagine you
didnât mean for me to feel that way. Can I ask that
you please donât say things like that anymore?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
26. What Weâre Thinking and Feeling
When Witnessing an Ouch Moment
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
I canât believe this
is happening.
Thatâs SO not
right. Should I
say something?
Am I butting in?
Would it help?
I am so upset!
27. What We End Up Saying
When Witnessing an Ouch Moment
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
28. What Others Hear When We Say Nothing
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
See? They
agree with me!
I am so right
about this.
No one sees or
understands. I
am alone.
29. NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
ï§ Reduce Defensiveness
â Tone
â Body Language
â Respect
ï§ Keep the Conversation Going
â Hear Them Out
â Ask Open-Ended Questions
â Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
â Dialogue
ï§ Build the Relationship
ï§ Stop the Behavior
ï§ Win an Ally
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
30. Say Something to Somebody
ï§ Now or Later (or Say It Now About a Later)
ï§ Target, Agent, Fellow Bystanders, Authority Figures
âIn the End, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends.â
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
31. Intervening in the Ouch Moment: Examples
ï§ Seek pleasure and delight in the other person
â âHow many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?â
â âIâm SO glad you told me that joke. Iâve been trying to figure out why we think people
with yellow hair are stupid.â
ï§ Find out the experience motivating the comment
â âWhy canât they just speak English around here?â
â âIt must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.â
â âIâm sick of my tuition paying for scholarship students.â
â âTell me more about that.â
ï§ Use exaggerated humor to highlight whatâs going on
(use sparingly)
â âThat movie is so gay.â
â âThat movie is attracted to other movies? I didnât know that was possible!â
ï§ Join the person and do not make yourself superior
â âShe got that award because sheâs black and female.â
â âYou know, I hear that a lot. Iâve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
black woman gets recognized it must be because of âdiversityâ stuff rather than that she
earned it.â
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
32. Listening to the Real Message
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
33. What Was Said During the Intervention
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Those words or
actions are
hurtful to me.
Please stop.
34. What We Hear During the Intervention
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
You are a
bad, bad
person, and I
hate you!
35. What We Should Hear
During the Intervention
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
You are basically a good
and decent person. As
with all of us, youâve
made a mistake in
behavior or words, and
you may not know the
impact they have on
others. I am going to
give you the gift of
information so that you
might act in congruence
with your values.
36. When Youâre Told About
an Ouch Moment You Made
ï§ Listen with full attention
ï§ Donât try to defend or respond right away
â Take deep breaths
â Acknowledge your feelings
ï§ Your mistakes donât define you
â Be worthy of their trust and gift
ï§ Prioritize the Impact over Intent
â Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. Itâs a vital skill***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
37. When Youâre Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created:
Examples
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
ï§ âI really appreciate your telling me this.â
ï§ âIâm so embarrassed that I did that.â
ï§ âIâm so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.â
ï§ âIâm pretty overwhelmed right now, and I donât
want to respond in a way Iâd regret. Do you think
you can help me come up with a better way to
handle that situation after I get into a calmer
place?â
ï§ âI wanted to go back to a moment I donât think I
handled very well⊠Can we talk?â
38. Stubborn Ounces
(To the One Who Doubts the Worth of Doing Anything If You Canât Do
Everything)
by Bonaro W. Overstreet
You say the Little efforts that I make
will do no good: they never will prevail
to tip the hovering scale
where Justice hangs in balance.
I donât think I ever thought they would.
But I am prejudiced beyond debate
in favor of my right to choose which side
shall feel the stubborn ounces of my weight.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
39. Final Words of Advice:
Recognize Your Triggers
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
40. Find Your Bucket People
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
46. Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girlsâ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)