3. Lesbian/Gay Family Formation
Initially, children were born in heterosexual marriages, and
following announcement of lesbian/gay identities, families were
formed with lesbian/gay partners
Currently, lesbian/gay identities are announced and
partnerships are formed afterwards
3
4. Stresses from Lack of Legal Protections for
Families in Most States
Second parent may not be able to adopt and so second parent
lacks legal tie
Child has no legal tie to one parent, can not visit as family
member if parent is ill or child is ill, parent can not visit as family
Child has no access to benefits such as health care
Parent with legal tie may be able to eliminate other parent in
the event of dissolution
4
5. Advantages to Lesbian/Gay Families When
Marriages Have Legal Status
Canadian couples report they feel closer, and have a greater
depth of feeling since legalization
Couples feel more accepted and respected
Children are less likely to be teased
5
6. Gay Men’s Reasons for Becoming
a Parent
Finding psychological and personal fulfillment
Partner’s desire to have child
Seeking to ensure future personal security, having someone
who will care for him when old
6
7. Gay Men’s Reasons for Having Children
at That Time
Their age
Relationship-related reasons (stability of relationship)
Work stability
Life changing events like moving to a home, meeting other gay
parents
Considering it the next stage of life
7
8. Lesbians’ Reasons for Becoming Parents
Desire to conceive and bear a child
Because partner wants a child
About 25% of parents in one study did not want a child but had
a child only because partner wanted one
The parents later found they enjoyed parenthood
8
9. Pathways to Parenthood for
Lesbian/Gay Parents
Heterosexual sex with a friend
Donor sperm from a friend
Anonymous Donor Sperm
Can cost $500 or more
Alternative Reproductive Technology (ART)
One gay parent may wish to have a biological connection
Surrogacy
9
10. Pathways to Parenthood for
Lesbian/Gay Parents (cont.)
Public adoption
Costs range from $0 to $2,500
Private adoption
Costs range from $8,000 to $40,000
Adoption barriers
Some states do not allow lesbian and gay couples to adopt; one parent
will apply as single parent and adopt child; the other parent will petition
the state to be a co-parent
Some countries like China and Guatemala require single parents to
supply proof of heterosexuality
10
11. Practical Questions
What will the child call the two parents?
Parents may refer to themselves as “Mommy” and “Mama” or
“Daddy” and “Papa”
What will the child’s last name be?
A hyphenated name?
Name of the parent who adopted the child?
11
12. Transition to Parenting for Gay Men
More complex than heterosexual couples’ transition
Until recently, gay men believed they renounced the right to be
a father when they identified as a gay man
In the past, many gay men chose more expensive options like
private adoptions or ART
Early fathers having children not conceived in marriage, were older,
more determined, and had greater financial resources
12
13. Transition to Parenthood for
Lesbian Mothers
Experiences of lesbian couples are similar to those of heterosexual
couples when both groups are adopting
Both groups report similar levels of worry and tension of being
accepted as parents
A subsample of both lesbian and heterosexual prospective parents
reported depression at not being able to conceive
Both groups sought support from family and friends
Women, both heterosexual and lesbian, received more support from
family and friends than men
13
14. Transition to Parenthood for
Lesbian Mothers (cont.)
Lesbian women received less support than heterosexual women
Interviews with lesbian women and their partner who chose donor
insemination stated what role men would play in their child’s life
First group was the largest with 2/3 of women being very deliberate in
their choices about men’s roles
Second group, 25%, were termed “flexible” because they decided to
wait and see what seemed best to do
Third group, 9%, were uncertain what role men would play
14
15. Transition to Parenthood for
Lesbian Mothers (cont.)
When babies were three months old, some mothers had changed their
minds
3 “flexible” mothers became deliberate in incorporating men in their lives
because they saw their babies respond differently to men
Many similarities between transitions of lesbian and heterosexual mothers
Lesbian mothers reported a decline in feelings of love for partner and increases
in conflicts from the last trimester of pregnancy to three months following the
birth
There was less time available for partners and that seemed to cause conflicts
15
16. Transition to Parenthood for
Lesbian Mothers (cont.)
Biological mother tends to take primary care of baby
Co-mothers often report instant bonding with the new baby
There was more equal sharing in lesbian families with co-
mothers more willing to take equal care
16
17. Transition to Parenthood for
Lesbian Mothers (cont.)
Comparing single and partnered lesbian mothers with single
and married heterosexual parents revealed
Single heterosexual and lesbian mothers were warmer and more
positive with children than partnered heterosexual mothers
All lesbian mothers were more interactive with babies than single
heterosexual mothers
Single heterosexual and lesbian mothers reported more serious
though not more frequent disputes with children
17
18. Common to All Groups in the Transition
to Parenting
Gay men, lesbian and heterosexual couples report a decline in
relationship quality with partner across the transition period
Factors that account for relationship drop is same in all three
group:
Sleep deprivation
Little time to check in with each other
Difficulties balancing work and family
Gay men also included conflicts in parenting beliefs
18
19. Strategies to Deal with
Relationship Decline
Same strategies recommended in Chapter 4 are useful in all
three groups:
Checking in with partner
Bringing up differences and talking about them before they are
huge issues
Finding collaborative solutions
Babies draw similar behaviors from parents regardless of parents’
sexual preferences
19
21. Parenting of Lesbian Parents
First group studied was lesbian mothers who were divorced and wanted
to keep custody of their children
In studies comparing divorced lesbian mothers with heterosexual
mothers, no differences were found between the groups in:
Self concept
Overall psychological adjustment
Psychiatric status
Sex-role behavior
Interest in children
Child rearing
21
22. Parenting of Lesbian Parents (cont.)
Later wave of studies focused on lesbian mothers who became
mothers when living with lesbian partners and revealed:
High levels of shared decision-making, parenting and family work that
reflected strong beliefs in an egalitarian ideology
Higher levels of satisfaction with partner-relationships and higher levels
of satisfaction with partner’s parenting
Lesbian mothers by donor insemination had strong desires for children;
devoted a great deal of time to choosing parenthood
Equal or exceeded amount of time of heterosexual parents in time
spent with children, warmth, affection, and parenting skills
22
23. Parenting of Gay Parents
Much less is known because there was not the volume of work
done to justify their parenthood following a divorce
Studies suggest:
Gay fathers are more responsive and more careful about monitoring
Gay fathers rely more on authoritative strategies
Family happiness in families of gay father, teen son, and father’s
partner when partner has a good relationship with the son
23
24. Parenting of Gay Parents (cont.)
Gay couples who are parents, like lesbian couples:
Co-parent more equally though this does not mean doing half of every
task
Co-parenting equally means sharing overall work load with one parent
specializing in one task and the other doing another
Gay fathers more likely than any other group to use positive parenting
strategies and to avoid spanking
Gay fathers were also open about same-sex relationships with
children’s friends and at their schools
24
25. Samples Studied
We know most about lesbian, gay parents who are European
American, middle-class, and well educated
National studies have identified working-class lesbian mothers
raising children in places where they are a small percentage of
the population, and whether the same findings apply, we do
not know
25
26. Special Challenges
In lesbian families, there may be difficulties when one mother
has a biological or legal connection to the child giving her
greater power and the other does not
As in all families, parents have to find the way to carry out the
parental role that suits them
One lesbian mother did not want to be a maternal figure but found
the role of lesbian dad more comfortable, teaching things a dad
would teach
26
27. Special Challenges (cont.)
Parents worry about stigmatization of their child by other
children
Parents try to live in areas where other lesbian families are
located and enroll children in schools that will support them
Sometimes schools discriminate parents as well, restricting their
participation in class trips or classroom activities
27
28. Special Challenges (cont.)
Parents model positive behaviors when they directly address
authorities about any restrictions
When parents address school authorities about bullying or teasing
children, they can point out a safe school environment for all children
is so important that laws are being considered in Congress to describe
the school’s role
Parents can volunteer to be on task force or committee to deal with
bullying or other negative behaviors that interfere with children’s
learning
28
29. Strengths of Growing Up in
Lesbian and Gay Families
In interviews, parents identified three benefits children received
growing up in lesbian and gay families despite the
stigmatization
Understanding and accepting different points of view
Open in talking about their feelings and problems
Free of the restrictions of traditional gender role models
29
30. Strengths of Growing Up in
Lesbian and Gay Families (cont.)
Talking about childhood experiences, adolescents and young
adults identify similar strengths:
Being accepting and nonjudgmental of a broad range of beliefs,
cultures, and social views
Having a broad definition of family and valuing communities of
chosen friends
Valuing honesty, truthfulness in relationships after having secrets in
childhood
Being more comfortable with gender nonconformity
30
31. Children’s Responses to Parents’ Sexual
Orientation
When children are born into lesbian/gay families, they learn of
parents’ orientation very gradually
Parents may mention differences
Children may notice differences but there may be a specific event
that made children realize their parents were different and so did
not approve
31
32. Children’s Responses to Parents’ Sexual
Orientation
When children lived with parents as heterosexual parents and
then parent identifies as gay or lesbian, children learned
Either from parent who explained the reason for a divorce or
change in partners
Or indirectly by parents making comments or taking child to same-
sex event or by leaving reading material around
32
33. Children’s Responses to Parents’ Sexual
Orientation (cont.)
Children’s reactions depend on living situation
When children have lived in lesbian/gay family since birth and
community is supportive, children may feel “no big deal”
In one study, majority of children had a mild or neutral reaction with
only a small percentage feeling angry or ashamed
When children were told, they had two big worries:
Would other children reject them?
Would other children think they were gay or lesbian also?
33
34. Children’s Strategies for Dealing with
Worries about Others’ Reactions
Boundary control – children sought:
To control parents’ behavior by asking parents to act in a certain way
Example: coming to school events separately or sleeping in separate
bedrooms when friends slept over
Control their own behavior
Example: not going certain places with parents
Controlling peers behavior
Example: not inviting them over
34
35. Children’s Strategies for Dealing with Worries
about Others’ Reactions (cont.)
Nondisclosure of parents’ sexual orientation
Selective disclosure to only certain people
In one sample of ten-year-olds:
57% completely open
39% open with selective friends
4% were secretive
35
36. Parents’ Responses to Children’s
Strategies
Parents are sometimes aware that children may only invite
certain friends over and why they want parents to come to
school events separately
Young adults said it was very helpful to them when parents
understood and respected their feelings; not putting pressure
on them to disclose
36
37. Knowing Sperm Donor
There appears no simple trend in research about knowing
donor
Children with known donors did not appear to differ in
adjustment from those who did not know donor
While some children wanted contact and a connection, others
did not care
37
38. Young Adults’ Reports of Growing Up in
Lesbian/Gay Families
Many felt discriminated against not just by peers but by school
officials who allowed negative comments to be made with no
attempt to stop them
Some felt they were under a microscope as people were
judging them and also their parents
They felt they had to be seen as “successful” and “well-adjusted”
38
39. Young Adults’ Reports of Growing Up in
Lesbian/Gay Families cont.
As adults, many realized having to keep secrets about their
parents’ sexual orientation was stressful for them
Only half of the sample were completely open about parents’ sexual
orientation and many were open to educate others
A second group disclosed selectively as a way of testing the value
of a possible friendship
A third group did not routinely disclose information as they thought
it was irrelevant and not part of their own identity
39
40. Young Adults Identified Three Supports
Growing Up
Their parents who were positive, confident role models who
talked about their sexual orientation and created a supportive
home with open communication about the disapproval some
people felt and how to handle it
Extended family members who created a supportive network
and were models of how to handle difficulties
Good friends with whom they had fun times so they felt
included and connected
40
41. Psychological Adjustment of Children
Research has focused on three areas:
Nature of children’s gender identity
Their psychological stability
Their social relationships with other children
41
42. Psychological Adjustment of Children
(cont.)
Gender identity
There is no evidence that children of lesbian/gay parents have an
increased likelihood of lesbian/gay gender identity themselves or an
increased same-sex orientation
Children living with lesbian/gay parents are as socially adjusted and
socially competent as children living with heterosexual parents
Their psychological adjustment appears similar to that of other
children with no special problems with self-esteem or depression
42
43. Nationwide Study of Adolescent
Functioning
National study of 44 teens living with lesbian parents (only 6
living with gay parents, too few to form a reliable sample)
Extensive data collected
Adolescents filled out questionnaires
One parent (usually resident mother) filled out questionnaire and
was interviewed about home, child rearing, and parent-child
relationship
Peers rated teens on social relationships
Schools provided grades
43
44. Nationwide Study of Adolescent
Functioning (cont.)
Covered functioning in a variety of areas
Psychological stability
Relationships with parents
Academic success
Social friendships and peer acceptance
Dating and romantic relationships
44
45. Results of Nationwide Study of
Adolescent Functioning
In all areas of behavior, teens of lesbian parents were functioning as well
as teens from families headed by heterosexual couples
Romantic relationships were similar and both teens and peers reported
that teens living in lesbian families were as well accepted as controls
Parents’ sexual orientation did not predict differences in teens’ behaviors
but the quality of the parent-child relationship did
Regardless of sexual orientation of parent, parents’ reports of close
relationships with teens predicted teens’ stability and competence and
lower rates of substance abuse
45
46. Family Dissolutions
Estimates are that 40 to 50% of families dissolve ties
Same reasons as heterosexual families
Incompatibility
Differing views on child rearing
Difficulties in sharing household tasks
Financial arguments
Often there are no mechanisms for protecting the interests of children
Parents can seek a collaborative separation process but there may be
no legal protections or any court services available
46
47. Managing Stress in Lesbian/Gay
Families
Factors that may account for resilience in families
Careful planning to have child and how to meet their needs
Middle-class resources to meet stress and disapproval that came
primarily from outside the home and not from conflict within it
Parents emphasized equality in adult relationships and sharing
household tasks
Parents established climate of open and honest communication
47
48. Managing Stress in Lesbian/Gay
Families (cont.)
Factors that may account for resilience in families
Parents encouraged children’s individuality and a broad range of
interests
Parents’ understanding of children’s behavior with respect to hiding
parents’ orientation
Willingness to put children’s needs first
48
49. Chapter 16
Parenting in Lesbian and Gay Families
49
CFD 250
Parenting in Contemporary
Society
