Parenting Adopted Children into Adulthood
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Parenthood doesn't end when your child turns 18. How do you maintain both boundaries AND connection with adult kids who are challenged in both areas? Note that images may be copyright protected. Links to IStockPhoto are included if you would like to purchase the photos for your own use.
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Parenting Adopted Children into Adulthood
- 1. Parenting adopted children into adulthood Kathleen Benckendorf Ric Benckendorf ATTACh Conference 2013 – San Antonio
- 2. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Attributed to Mark Twain
- 3. Photo credits iStock_000008460873XSmall, iStock_000018716563XSmall
- 4. Done with intensively parenting our kids ◦ before the grandkids arrived Having sons-in-law and daughters-in-law, not baby-mamas and baby-daddies in and out of the picture
- 5. Criminal record Inadequate employment WIC & food stamps Couch-surfing by necessity
- 6. All of them attached (if somewhat insecurely) to us Attached to each other All of them enjoy family visits, holidays Supportive of each other There’s still room and time for improvement
- 7. “The really, truly, best thing about adoption is that it is lifelong – so when he had worked out his issues in his own way and his own time, we were all still there. When he was finally ready and able to accept a family, there we were. He was still totally important to our lives and he knew that. There simply isn’t any other form of non-genetic care that makes this possible.” Brenda McCreight, The Adoption Counselor (blog)
- 8. We adopt our kids. Sometimes they don’t adopt us.
- 9. “But when I ask myself if my children are better off than they would have been had we not adopted them then the answer I always come back to is yes. Because even for kids who … don't want a relationship with us or have us involved in their lives, they have a choice.” Claudia Fletcher We’re still there for them as parents (even when they ignore the advice they ask for). They can come for dinner and take home some leftovers. They can come do laundry at our house. They can ask us to babysit their kids.
- 10. Sexually unaware Self-critical and self-conscious Improved social cognition & self-control Development of moral guidelines Childhood
- 11. Egocentrism Capable of logical thought, but just as likely to be impulsive and go on gut feelings Invincibility fable Search for identity Adolescence Risk-taking Still in search of identity In search of intimacy and friendship – perhaps without supportive underlying structures (school, work, church) Emerging Adulthood
- 12. Our kids may be behind developmentally – or simultaneously at mixed stages! Limbic system (fear & emotional impulses) matures before prefrontal cortex (planning & emotional regulation). Hormones affect limbic system more than the cortex. Egocentrism - I’m unique, I’m special, everyone’s looking at me, no one understands how I think & feel – and your actions (and rules!) are directed at making me miserable.
- 13. Trauma and Brain Activity Normal Traumatized Extended future Abstract Thoughts, Judgment, Learning Attachment, Emotional Reactivity, Sexual Behaviors Midbrain Brainstem Hours Cortical Limbic Minutes Seconds Loss of sense of time Arousal/Vigilance, Appetite/Satiety, Sleep Heart Rate, Blood Pressure, Body Temperature 1 3 Kent, Sullivan and Rauch. “The Neurobiology of Fear”. Psychiatric Annals. Volume 310, No 12, 2000.
- 14. For diagram included in presentation, see Steven J. Choy’s presentation, Brain Development and Function: Life After 18, at http://ittakesanohana.org/wpcontent/uploads/2012/08/BrainDevelopment-After-18-years-Old-2012.ppt Kent, Sullivan and Rauch. “The Neurobiology of Fear”. Psychiatric Annals. Volume 310, No 12, 2000 1 4 Kent, Sullivan and Rauch. “The Neurobiology of Fear”. Psychiatric Annals. Volume 310, No 12, 2000.
- 16. Keep younger kids safe Physical safety for all
- 17. Social media ◦ FaceBook, Google+, Twitter Technology ◦ Phone calls, texting, Skype, ooVoo In person ◦ One on one ◦ Larger groups ◦ Doing together vs. talking
- 19. Calling only to ask for material needs Complaining Hypochondria or an excuse for making a connection w/o admitting an emotional need?
- 20. Skip the lectures It really does stink to keep losing jobs, relationships, etc. They’ll probably learn why better if they figure it out themselves than if you tell them they need to dress nice, get a haircut, cover up their ink, and show up on time every shift Think of the insensitive things people can say to a woman who’s just had a miscarriage – and do better!
- 21. Behavior is communication Separate the message from the behavior What you’re feeling – is what they’re feeling
- 22. “Recovery can only begin once your youth or young adult is no longer living in your home.” Brenda McCreight, Recovery from Hazardous Parenting
- 23. Living together can create too many relationship problems Don’t try or even offer to solve problems Don’t get sucked into drama iStock_000012356789Small
- 24. Handout presented at conference – see http://www.attachmentandintegrationmethod s.com/2013/09/21/simple-rules-for-adultchildren-living-at-home/ for electronic version.
- 25. AKA… you can’t protect them from themselves Taken from Claudia Fletcher blog entry: http://fletcherclan.blogspot.com/2008/11/p arenting-teens.html
- 26. Yourself Your behavior Your reactions Live up to your own standards Seek counseling if necessary
- 27. Maintain boundaries Allow partner to reach the end of his rope Be sensitive to your partner’s boundaries Stand up for your partner
- 28. Allow yourself time and space to grieve Get counseling or other support Establish boundaries Spend time with family and friends of your choosing Take care of your health Revisit old hobbies and activities or establish new
- 29. They have choices and options “But when I ask myself if my children are better off than they would have been had we not adopted them then the answer I always come back to is yes. Because even for kids who … don't want a relationship with us or have us involved in their lives, they have a choice.” Claudia Fletcher
Hinweis der Redaktion
- Steps they may have missedGenetic influences on personality traits & intellectual abilities become more obviousEven NT kids often find it easier to “go away mad” than to just move out.
- Boundaries are good!YOU decide what is healthy for you and your child.Emotional and physical distance – how much?Support, contact – at a level that you choose, that meshes with your own internal self-image, where you can still keep yourself centered – varies by individual, family, situationOn the flip side: Let go of your own emotional ties to the success of your children