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1. 5 LessonsMonogamousFamiliesCanLearnfromPolyamorists
Polyamoryisnotfor everyone,butthese tipscanbe useful formanyfamilies.
PublishedonSeptember29,2014 by ElisabethA.Sheff,Ph.D.inThe PolyamoristsNextDoor
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Because polyamorousrelationshipscanbe intense andcomplicated,the people whoengage inthem
overthe longterm puta lotof time,effort,andthoughintodevelopingstrategiestohelptheir
relationshipslastandsurvive hardship.Whilepolyamoryitself iscertainlynotforeveryone,these
strategiescanbe useful forpeople inall sortsof relationships.Divorcedparentsandothersinblended
familieswill findthemespeciallyrelevant.
1. Communicate Honestly
Polyamorouspeople putalotof emphasisoncommunicationasaway tobuildintimacy,explore
boundaries,negotiate agreements,andshare feelings.Tellingthe truthisparamountto thisprocess,as
honestyformsthe basisfortrust.Trust helpspeople feel safe,whichinturnbuildsintimacy,and
(ideally) communicationcreatesapositive feedbackloopwithinthe relationship.Evenwhen
communicatingaboutdifficultthingsthatfeellesspositive,polysuse the strategiesof tellingthe truth
and beingwillingtotolerate the conflictinordertoworkthrough the problemastoolsto sustaintheir
relationshipsovertime.

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2. Don’t Leave Too Soon
Stayingwitha difficultconversation,evenif itisuncomfortable,isone of the waysinwhichpolypeople
persevere withtheirrelationships.Forpolyrelationshipstolast,those involvedmustbe willingtokeep
tryingto workthingsout,evenwhentheyare difficult.Unsurprisingly,othersinmonogamousand
serial-monogamousrelationshipsalsoare more likelytosustainlong-termrelationshipswhentheytryto
workthingsout,and bothpeople involvedputalotof effortintothe maintenance and sustenance of
the relationship.
Anotherstrategypolypeopleuse tomaintaintheirrelationshipsistoseeksupport,somethingthat
couldbenefitandsustainserial monogamousrelationshipsaswell.If thingsgetrocky,reachout to
friendsforsympathy, support,andadvice.Gettingprofessional counselingcanbe tremendouslyhelpful
indealingwithconcrete issuesandestablishingpatternsforcommunicationthatcan helpdeal with
othermattersthat arise overtime.
3. Don’t StayToo Long

3. In whatcan be a delicate balancingact,polypeoplefindthatitisimportantnotto drag thingsoutuntil
the bitterendwhenpartnershave beensoawful toeachother thattheysimplymustrunaway from
each other.Instead,polyssuggestthatitisbetterto recognize whenpeople have grownapartor
relationshipsthatusedtoworkwell are nolongergoodfor the people involved,admitit,andchange in
accordance withwhatthe relationshiphasbecome.Duringthisphase itisespeciallyimportanttobe
kindand act withintegrity –whenpeople leave before theycheatthentheycanstill looktheirex-
partnersinthe eye whentheyinteractlater.
Additionally,planforthe longtermbecause whenfamilieshave childrenthenitwill be importantfor
themto interactsmoothlywitheachotherinthe future.Evenif the urge to slashtheirex’stiresis
overwhelminginthe moment,thinkingcarefullyaboutsharingbigeventswiththeirex-partnersinthe
future,takingadeepbreath,andmakinga choice that will allow themtolooktheirformerpartnersin
the eye withoutfeelingashamedwhentheyseeeachotherattheirchildren’sgraduationorwedding
ceremonies.
Shiftingattitudescanhelpaswell,andallow peopletogive eachothera break.Ratherthan
characterizingtheirformerrelationshipasa“broken”familythathas failedbecause the adults’
relationshiphasended,peoplecanchoose toview theirrelationshipsasgoodforwhat workedfor
whateverperiodof time thatwas,andthentime to move onwhentheynolongermetthe needsof the
people involved.Inotherwords,the endcanjustbe an end,oreventransitiontoa new kindof
relationship.
4. Be Flexible,AllowforChange
Flexibilitycanbe a keyto resilience
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Polyamorouspeople sustain theirrelationshipsbybeingwillingtotrynew things.If the waysin which
the relationshiphasbeengoingsofarare not working,thentryingsomethingelsecanbe quite effective.
Thiscan meanshiftingexpectationsandlettinggoof formerpatterns,whichcanbe both invigorating
and frightening.Beingable toshiftinresponsetochangingcircumstancesallowsfamiliestobe resilient,
and polyamorousfamiliesroutinelymustadjusttonew familialandemotionalconfigurations.To
accommodate theirunconventional familylives,polyfamiliestrynew things,reconfigure their
relationshipsorinteractions,andremainopentoalternatives.Becausethiscanbe difficult,itmakes

4. sense toget helpnegotiatingthe changesbyreachingouttotrustedfriends,a counselor,orevena
mediator.Tryingnewthingscanbe challenginganditdoesn’talwaysworkthe firsttime,sobe willingto
refine andrenegotiateasthe familyexploresiscrucial tolearningandgrowth.
5. De-Emphasize Sexuality
Eventhoughmost people associatepolyamorousfamilieswithsexuality,polysironicallyde-emphasize
sexualitytohelpreconfigureandcope withchange.Emotional connectionisthe glue thatholdsfamilies
togetheranyway,andwhile sex isgoodandhelppeoplefeel connected,itisnotenoughbyitself to
sustaina long-termrelationship.Veryimportantlyforpolyamorousandnon-polyamorousfamilies,the
endof sex doesnothave to meanendof relationship.Remainingfriendsisareal choice,andespecially
importantwhenpeople havehadchildrentogether.Childrendonotcare if theirparentshave sex,and
infact wouldmuchrather not hearaboutit or thinkof theirparentsas sexual beings.Instead,de-
emphasizingsexualitycanallowfamilymemberstofocusoncooperative co-parentingandremainingon
positive terms.Whenpeoplehave treatedeachotherwithrespectandallowedthemselvestochange or
leave arelationshipthatisnolongerworkingbeforetheydoterrible thingstoeachother,itmakesit
much more reasonable toactuallyco-parentorevenbe cordial toeachother.
4 Readercommentsjointhe discussionhere!
ElisabethSheff,Ph.D.,isanexpertonpolyamoryandsexual-minorityfamilieswithchildren.
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