Why do smart people like us sometimes make lousy choices in our love lives? Today we’re shining light on the difference between Dating By Default and Dating By choice.

1. Why do smart people like us sometimes make lousy
choices in our love lives? It’s not as complicated as
we might think.
When we take a good, hard look at Instinct, the primal urges
which drive our thoughts and behavior. The way out of
Instinct’s grasp is through understanding (an AHA moment),
compassion and disciplined practice.
Source: As a PAX Licensee and participant in the 2015
Mastery and Certification program, I’ll be dug in with Alison
Armstrong this year, my all-time favorite relationship guru. I
invite you to join me on this journey as we focus on eight
different topics, one at a time, each related to Intentional
Dating and Mating. As a professional matchmaker and
dating coach, I’ll have endless real life dating and mating
situations to offer up for study.
Today we’re shining light on the difference between Dating
By Default (cave woman / cave man style) and Dating By Design (conscious, aware, free
choice, human spirit style.)
At the core of Alison Armstrong’s philosophy is the distinction between Human Animal and
Human Spirit. Human animal is driven by instinct — those primal, biological urges that
compel us to respond to what life throws at us, inciting those knee jerk reactions that so
often get us into trouble. There’s an inner cave dweller in us all… which we’re not looking to
kill off, by the way, as instinct enables survival. But by inviting the instinctual, unconscious
beast (and its fear-based agenda) to take a back seat to the wiser, illuminated Human
Spirit, we give ourselves access to peace, satisfaction, partnership, joy and love. And
THAT, my friends is what we’re after here. We’re taking a close look at the difference
between surviving and thriving.
There’s a young man checking email on his cell phone at Starbucks on his lunch hour. The
breeze carries to his nostrils a hint of curiously sweet perfume, he hears the clicking of her
heels coming up behind him and his head turns. He can’t help it. And there she is, sunlight
bouncing off her long, silky auburn hair. Her curves are everywhere. It’s his job to
notice. She’s on her phone, tickled by something said, she giggles as she approaches the
door to the coffee shop. Glowing cheeks, perfectly plump lips, freshly painted crimson

2. fingernails, frilly purple skirt, tossed about by the wind. She’s magnificent. It happens to
him. He didn’t ask for it, but it … just … happens. He shifts in his chair (he has to) and
takes a breath. Her eyes meet his as she opens the door. She notices him. As she holds his
gaze, she’s hooked. Her smile gains life. She can’t help it. It’s instinct.
Her name is Samantha and she’s my dating coaching client. She orders her coffee and
joins me at the table inside, positioning her chair just so, to maintain visual access to Mr.
Caught-My-Eye outside.
She’s 34, a pastry chef by day, working long hours at a hotel, paying off culinary school
loans. In her off hours she loves writing short stories and yearns to be published.
Gnawing at her is the pesky question posed yet again by her sister last night – “Is she going
to marry Dan, Mr. Looks-Good-On-Paper?” Dan is tall, handsome, has the degree, and
wears the right clothes. He has the job, the right car, a solid family, he’s 37, and timing’s just
about right for the two of them to nail this thing down.
She wants it. She needs it — to find that safe place to be, to pick her man, to have the
wedding, to nestle in together, to breed, indeed…to fulfill her destiny as a woman. Instinct
is calling her to say Yes to Dan’s proposal.
So why is she hesitating? Why is she less than thrilled? That’s the question that spurred
Samantha to meet with me today. We determined that what’s pulling her, driving her to stick
with Dan is her natural instinct to lock down a great provider – this strong, powerful man
who will give her beautiful babies, whose Finance position at Bank of America will secure
her place in “the herd” and will gain her father’s sanction.
What’s missing? She says she doesn’t feel “gotten” or cherished by him. He doesn’t care to
read her short stories, he barely glances at the photos she shows him of her masterful
pastry creations, and he finds reasons to be gone when Samantha’s best friend and sister
are around.
In a nutshell, we determined that rather than feeling empowered by him, Samantha actually
feels squelched, which brings out anything but the best in her. She finds herself feeling
resentful, snapping at him, arguing and fighting with him. She’s been trying to justify her
natural interests and passions, hoping to get him to love who she really is, as opposed to
the IDEA of who she is, a concept of who she is supposed to be for him.
Samantha made a courageous decision today. She will say No to marrying Dan, and in so
doing, she is being bigger than her biology, smarter than her instincts. In today’s modern
day society, having had the opportunity to become well educated and ever-employable, she
has the opportunity to choose partnership from a position of strength and security.

3. On my way out of the coffee shop, I couldn’t help it – I introduced myself to Mr. Adorable
outside. Yes, he’s single, Yes, he’d love to meet her, and I have his card on my desk in front
of me. I’m dying to interview him as a potential suitor for Samantha. If he checks out, when
the timing is right, we’ll see if the two of them might be a fit for not only an instinctual
chemistry match, but also on the level of Human Spirit. Might these two bring out the best in
each other? Might they feel fully whole and “gotten” in each other’s presence? Well…
maybe we shall see.
For more interesting articles on dating and matchmaking, visit http://blog.julieferman.com/