Domestic abuse, or Domestic Violence, is a scourge world-wide. It destroys families, relationships and communities. Typically, the public is presented with physical abuse as the main parameter of Domestic Violence - blood and bruises - but there is another form of abuse that is hidden, leaves no physical scars but is even more decimating. This is Domestic Violence from prolonged Narcissistic Abuse. This is a personal story of the pernicious nature of Narcissistic Abuse which can, over time, lead to brain trauma or injury. A cautionary tale of our time.

1. When Narcissistic Abuse
is Domestic Violence
“Why didn’t you leave?”
Things I Wish I’d Known
By Jeni Mawter

2. Power and Control
Narcissistic abuse
is the intentional construction
of a false perception
of someone else's reality
by an abuser
for the purposes of
controlling them.
Domestic Violence
is a pattern
of assaultive and coercive
behaviours
in which an individual
establishes and maintains
power and control
over another
within the context
of a personal relationship.

3. Jeni Mawter Self
Portrait

4. Liar, Liar
“It’s not that bad.”
“I’m fine.”
“They don’t mean it.”
I wish I had
known that the
greatest lies
would be told
by myself.

5. I wish I’d known I was destined to be a target
Attachment Theory Personality Traits
 Empathetic
 Tender-hearted
 Caring and kind
 Hyper-sensitive
 Nurturing
 Trustworthy
 Idealistic
 Naïve
 Deep thinker
 Compassionate

6. I wish I’d known when you leave an abusive
relationship life gets much, much worse
The Divorce Process

7. I wish I’d known NO-ONE would believe me
(With Disbelief there’s No Validation)

8. The Fallacy of Motivational Quotes
There is freedom waiting for you, on the
breezes of the sky.
”What if I fall?”
“Oh, My Darling,
What if you fly?”
By Erin Hanson

9. Before leaving I wish I’d known
the power carried by ATE words
dominATE
denigrATE
subjugATE
alienATE
obliterATE
humiliATE
mediATE
decimATE
invalidATE
negATE
violATE
dissociATE
ruminATE
isolATE

10. I wish I’d known that Chronic Covert Narcissistic Abuse
would gave me a Brain Injury: Fight, Flight, Faun or Freeze
My Post Trauma Brain Injury:
- Dysphasic
- Dyspraxic
- Dysarthric
- Anomia
- Visual Agnosia
- Memory Loss
- Executive Functioning Loss
- Poor Concentration
- Poor Problem Solving

11. Me then … Me now… Still can’t read a book
Author – Picture Books, Junior Fiction, Young Adult
Fiction, Novels and Short Stories, Poems, Non-Fiction
Education Resources, Academic Articles
University Tutor and Lecturer – Sydney University and
Macquarie University
NSW Premier Literary Award’s Panel Chair and Judge
for Young Adult Fiction
Public Speaker for several Speaker’s Agencies
Speaker and Workshop Presenter at the Sydney Writer’s
Festival
Inaugural Presenter for Literature Live!
School Workshop Presenter
Transmedia Creator – Kiss Kill!
Critical Thinker – Critically Thinking about Humour and
Text series
Creative Writing Teacher at the Australian Writer’s
Centre
Australian Society of Authors Guideline Presenter
Presenter at the NSW Writer’s Centre
Media Officer for NSW State Emergency Service

12. The pain of Cognitive Dissonance
Two
Conflicting
Realities
BUT
No Truth

13. I wish I’d known about the Trauma Approach to
Treating Narcissistic Abuse
 Traditional Approach
“You have a Mental Health Disorder: Major
Depression/Major Anxiety.”
“Take these tablets for your illness for the
rest of your life.”
(Disempowering, No Hope)
 Trauma Approach to Narcissistic Abuse
“You have a PERFECTLY NORMAL response to a
MindFuck situation.”
Leave the situation and you will get better.
(Empowering, Gives Hope)

14. I wish I’d known about REALITY THEFT

15. I wish I’d heard of Existential Loss
Loss of my SELF and my WORLD
 the loss of past ways of being-in-
the-world
 the loss of embodiment
 the loss of my mind
 the loss of my past, present and
future
 the loss of hope
 the loss of self-worth
 the loss of trust
 the loss of self-esteem
 the loss of beliefs
 the loss of my profession
 the loss of my perceptions
 the loss of emotions through
“numbing” and “shutdown”
 the loss of my value systems
 the loss of my spirit or SOUL
 the loss of relationships with family,
friends and community
 the loss of love
 the loss of acceptance by self and
others
 the loss of kindness
 the loss of my State Emergency
Service community work

16. I wish I’d known NO-ONE understands this
trauma unless they have personal experience
I did not expect to be
traumatized over and over
and over again by very
people I turned to for help:
- General practitioners
- Psychiatrists
- Psychologists
- Anxiety Clinics
- Trauma Clinics
- Mental Health Hospitals
 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2018/10/gaslighting-survivors-
of-narcissists-and-narcissistic-abuse/#.XtCLSF7D6fk.email

17. I wish I’d known that “Narcissistic Abuse Victim
Syndrome is Like Being in a Cult” Article by Kristen Milstead, 2019
https://fairytaleshadows.com/narcissistic-abuse-victim-syndrome-like-being-in-a-cult/
1. Supply/Admiration
2. Enabling
3. Abuse-by-Proxy
- Ostracizing
- Shaming
- Smear Campaign
- Verbal Abuse
- Hoovering
- Sabotage
recovery
- Spying and
reporting back

18. I wish I’d known how BETRAYED I’d feel
NOTE: Betrayers evade accountability
Betrayed by:
 Ex-Partner
 Family
 Friends
 Psychologists
 Psychiatrists
 Trauma Clinics
 Anxiety Clinics
 SELF
Betrayal is a Trigger:
 Is felt deep in your gut
 Creates Anxiety and Fear
 Leads to deep Fatigue
 Creates mental chaos
 Decimates your World View
 Annihilates your emotions
 Makes you hypervigilant
 Destroys Trust
 Robs you of your sleep

19. I wish I knew how excruciatingly painful
Triggering from Complex PTSD is
 When I trigger I feel like I have been
whipped on the outside as well as
whipped on the inside
 I experience debilitating severe nerve
pain
 The pain is felt in every molecule of my
body, even in my teeth and bones
 After Extreme Pain there is Extreme
FATIGUE – exhausting
 Being in a state of Extreme Pain
increases my risk for other health
problems
 Sometimes I can’t stop Shaking

20. I wish I knew that the personality traits ideal for
exploitation were also the traits that would ensure my
survival and triumph. Thanks Dr Sandra L. Brown
Personality Super Traits of Narcissist’s Targets:
Extraversion and Excitement Seeking. NOT co-
dependents.
Relationship Investment. Great emotional,
spiritual, physical, financial investments in any of
her relationships, not just the intimate ones.
Attachment. Deep bonding capacity.
Competitive. Not the co-dependent type.
Low Harm Avoidance. Doesn’t expect to be
hurt, sees others through who she is.
Cooperation. Hyper-empathy.
Responsibility and Resourcefulness.

21. I
wish
I’d
known

22. What I wish YOU had known…
 When someone tells you they don’t feel safe, believe them.
 When someone says a relationship makes them uncomfortable,
believe them.
 When someone says they feel like “I’m going crazy”, look for a
Narcissist.
 Narcissists know what they’re doing. Abuse that is targeted is
abuse by choice.
 Narcissistic Abuse is HIDDEN abuse.
 Covert Narcissistic Abuse is hidden abuse over a long period of
time.

23. What I wish YOU had known…
 Check all facts. Only believe what is verifiable.
 Perpetrators Deny, then Deny, then Deny.
 When someone leaves a relationship completely broken and the
other resumes a normal life, look for a Narcissist.
 Narcissists play the part of The Victim elicit sympathy.
 Narcissists use Smear Campaigns as weapons.
 Narcissists isolate to silence their targets.
 Targets are always saying ”Sorry!” - even when they haven’t done
anything wrong.

24. What I want YOU to know
Kindness is an ACTION, not an intention

25. Knowledge is Power
 http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/red-flags-to-narcissistic-personality-
disorder-compiled-by-jeni-mawter
 http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-a-powerpoint-
by-jeni-mawter
 http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/moving-on-from-narcissistic-abuse-due-
to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd-compiled-by-jeni-mawter
 http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/verbal-abuse-and-the-narcissist-
communication-tactics-designed-to-make-you-crazy
 http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/why-cant-i-move-on-narcissistic-abuse-a-
complex-trauma-compiled-by-jeni-mawter
 https://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/how-
togetawaywithmurderaslideshareoncovertnarcissisticabusebyjenimawter