This document provides a synopsis and details of the play "Madam Ambassador" by Duke Ryan, including character descriptions and an excerpt from Act I of the play. The synopsis outlines the plot - a woman named Valerie Butts wants to leave her small town in Illinois and get back into politics and public life by becoming an ambassador. However, her plans cause tension with her husband Buzz. The excerpt shows an interaction between Valerie and Buzz where Valerie expresses her boredom with small town life and desire to divorce Buzz so she can pursue being an ambassador, which Buzz strongly objects to.

1. !
!
!
!
MADAM AMBASSADOR
!
!
A Full-length Comedy
!
By Duke Ryan
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
Duke Ryan
5325 Manning Place, N.W.
Washington, D.C., 20016-5311
Phone: 202/362-1716
E-mail: henryryan@rcn.com

2. !2
!
!
!
!
!
MADAM AMBASSADOR
A Comedy by Duke Ryan
!
Synopsis
The Corn Belt meets the Beltway as Valerie Butts makes up her mind to get back to the
hub of power from which she was dumped abruptly when her powerful senator husband
first lost his seat then died campaigning to get it back. That left her in Union, Illinois, far
out where the prairie meets the horizon, or as she sees it, in the middle of Purgatory. She
decides she wants to be an ambassador and believes she has the connections to do it. The
connections, however, have gotten rusty, and the price of a “nice” ambassadorship is well
beyond her means. Furthermore, her second husband, a former boxer and gym director,
will never be able to cut it in diplomatic circles. She met him on a cruise as she was
mourning the late senator. But the circles of power and influence are circles indeed, and
with a little slight-of-hand Valerie vaults over those who try to stop her, pays nothing for
her ambassadorship to Copenhagen, routs those who pursue her, and along the way
destroys an aspiring attorney general candidate, her main nemesis. But the one person she
can’t shake off is her husband, and, in fact, it soon becomes apparent that, despite all
appearances, he has skills that any diplomat can use to good advantage. That , roughly, is
the plot, but above all, the play is a satirical look at America’s government and especially
its diplomacy.
!
!
Cast and Setting
!
Valerie Butts: She is middle-aged, conservatively well dressed, and well spoken. She
grew up in Chicago’s fashionable North Shore suburbs and was educated in private
Eastern schools. Shortly after college graduation she married an upward-bound politician
who soon became a senator. She became used to living in high-powered Washington
circles, but the senator’s defeat, then death, left her in a small prairie town.
!
Buzz Butts: He is Valerie’s second husband, and he, too, is middle-aged, but a good cut
below her on the socio-economic scale. Except for a tour in the Marines and a cruise he
took to get over a divorce, he spent all his life on Chicago’s West Side until he met
Valerie. He has spent much of his life managing a gymnasium and was once an amateur
boxer.
!
Gumpston: He is a small town activist and political party operative who is moving

3. !3
higher in non-elective politics. He is a fixer who quietly gets things done, and is eager,
almost over-eager, to gain recognition for his work.
!
Greta: She is a maid in the home of the Danish Minister of Sport and Recreation. She is
sometimes casual about what is hers and what is not and can be quite brazen about it.
!
Leon Strummer: He is a high-powered Washington lawyer, sometimes holding high
office, sometimes acting behind the scenes, but always a major player in power circles.
He is profane, arrogant, and abrasive.
!
The first act takes place in the Butts’ family room in Union, Illinois; the second act in the
ambassador’s office at the U.S. Embassy in Copenhagen. The Butts’ family room has a
typical assortment of comfortable furniture, but it also has a desk, a computer and a
punching bag. The props can be easily rearranged to become the ambassador’s office in
Act II. I would, however, suggest putting a name plaque on the desk in Act II and
replacing the punching bag with an American flag.
!
!
History
!
The play, requested by two professional actors, began as a one-act written for two people,
but after a public reading was expanded to full-length. It then received a well-attended
second public reading at American University under the auspices of the university’s
Performing Arts Department. Next, in collaboration with the Playwrights Forum of
Washington, D.C., it was restructured to bring three characters on-stage who were
formerly off-stage and with these changes was performed as a staged reading sponsored
by Playwrights’ Collaborative and presented to a sizeable and very appreciative audience
in the Washington, DC, area (the Writers’ Center in Bethesda, MD.) Next, it was
performed to a very enthusiastic audience that nearly filled the house in Cambridge, UK.
!

4. !4
!
!
!
Act I
Scene 1
(Buzz is vigorously pounding a punching
bag.)
!
Valerie
Buzz, BUZZ, please stop that and listen to me. Buzz!
!
Buzz
Yeah, what is it?
!
Buzz…I want a divorce!
Valerie
(Warm and friendly. She might be saying
let’s go to bed)
!
Buzz
Yeah, OK, dear, we can talk about it.
!
Valerie
You’re not listening, darling. I said I want a divorce.
!
Buzz
(Pauses, then as if he had been goosed by a
cattle prod.)
What! WHAT!!
!
Valerie
Sweetheart, relax.
!
Buzz
A divorce?! Did you say a divorce?
!
Valerie
Yes, dear, I did.
!
Buzz
What are you talkin’ about? What’s got into you?
!
Valerie

5. !5
Darling, I am bored senseless in this place. If you were at all sensitive to my needs, you’d
be aware of that.
!
Buzz
Aaww, don’t give me that! I am so sensitive to your needs, it’s ridiculous.
!
All you do is sit at that computer all day
Valerie.
!
Buzz
I'm day-trading. It's scary sometimes. I just got into it.
!
Valerie
I see, but about the divorce…
!
Buzz
Stop sayin’ that word. If you’re bored maybe we could take a trip somewhere, go on a
vacation.
!
Valerie
Buzz, I need to get out of this town, out of Union, Illinois, not just for a week or a month,
but forever.
!
Buzz
Why, for god’s sake? Look, get into something? Get involved in the commu...
!
Valerie
(Nicely)
Now, Buzz, stop right there. You know how I feel about the community. (Gently and
softly) It sucks. .
!
Buzz
Then, why did you come here?
!
Valerie
Oh, darling, don’t play dumb. Could we possibly live in that closet you had in Chicago?
!
Buzz
Well, maybe not, but I gotta tell you, it gets to me sometimes, livin’ in Paul’s house.
!
It’s my house, if that helps you any.
!
Valerie

6. !6
Buzz
Yeah, well, whatever. If I can get used to livin’ in it so should you. You ought to be
thankful you got it.
Valerie
It’s a nice house in a dreary town! I should never have let Paul move back here, never!
!
Buzz
(Patiently)
Hey, you coulda stayed in Washington after Paul got his ass bounced.
!
Valerie
(With plenty of feeling)
Don’t be snide. He was betrayed by those vile so-called New Republicans. And now you
pal around with them in this town, including that despicable Gumpston.
!
Buzz
OK, but you don’t have to be no senator to live in Washington.
!
Valerie
No, you don’t, but just look at that.
(She reaches for a picture of Paul.)
That tells it all. Paul in his Senate Office. My God, how he loved it. He couldn’t imagine
not being a senator. Look at that expression; can’t you see it all there?
!
Buzz
Yeah, I can see it. I see that picture a lot, too, and if you don’t mind my sayin’ so, I think
you ought to put it away. I ain’t as taken with it as you are.
!
Valerie
Sorry if it offends you. He was a big part of my life.
!
Buzz
Includin’ bringin’ you here.
!
Valerie
Don’t be nasty! We both thought we’d get back in a couple of years, and if he had lived,
we probably could have.
!
Buzz
Val, Paul was trounced; he never coulda have gotten back, and you aren’t goin’ back
either. So let’s deal with reality.
Valerie
(With feeling)

7. !7
The reality is that I am in Union, Illinois, Union the Horrible.
!
Buzz
You are so damned spoiled, you know that? Ninety-nine percent of the people in this
world, I mean like good hard-working, common folks, they would give an arm...
!
Valerie
(With gentle patience)
Now, Buzz, don’t get all Bolsheviky. We need to be civilized about this.
!
Buzz
About what?
!
Valerie
About our divorce, darling.
!
There is not gonna be no divorce!
Buzz
(Hits the punching bag)
!
Valerie
(To herself)
Oh, why did I ever go on that idiotic cruise!?
!
Buzz
‘Cause it was the widow's special. Find a guy in one spin around the globe or your
money back.
!
Valerie
Now that’s mean, Buzz. But I was lonely, vulnerable.
!
Buzz
That’s all there was, huh?
!
Valerie
No, that’s not all. Look at that album (on a coffee table). I never took so many pictures.
There you are looking suntanned and terrific. I was attracted, more than attracted,
fascinated. The sea was calm, the moon was bright; and you said such nice things.
!
Buzz
I still do; only you don’t listen no more. I thought you were pretty neat, too--classy,
sophisticated, romantic--hey, I still do. I mean that, I do.
!

8. !8
Valerie
(Dropping the album)
You forgot rich.
!
Buzz
(Insulted)
No, I didn’t think that. From what you told me I figured you to be comfortable, not rich.
!
Valerie
Well, you were right about that. Paul’s campaigns took care of “rich.” But you, well, you
were different from anyone I’d ever known.
!
Rougher and dumber.
Buzz
!
Valerie
Less polished, let’s say.
!
Buzz
Quite a change from all your preppy friends, huh? A gym manager and amateur boxer.
!
Valerie
A huge change, and I loved it—the rough edges; they felt different, and real, and good. I
felt I was in touch with a real human being for the first time in my life. Someone who
did something, not just manipulate things.
Buzz
Yeah, but that was then, wasn’t it? You know, women like you, the social register set,
they go through stages when they like sleek horses and rough guys. The horses usually
come out better.
!
Valerie
I’m sorry, Buzz.
!
Buzz
But now you’re tired of “rough,” is that it? Now, you’re lookin’ for “smooth” again,
some hotshot lawyer or stockbroker.
!
Valerie
The whole thing was just a pretty bubble, starting with the cruise, but the bubble has
burst, and I am bored witless. And…and you seem to be, too; that’s probably why you're
playing around with other women.
!

9. !9
Buzz
I am what!!? Have you gone nuts? I love you, for Christ's sake. That seems to be the one
thing that doesn't count here. Playin' around!! Jaysus!!
!
Valerie
Buzz, every time I see you with some woman under 60, you've got your arm around her.
!
Buzz
Baloney, and anyway that ain't exactly cheatin’. I'm a friendly guy.
!
Valerie
You're not that friendly with me.
!
!
!
Buzz
Well, you don't make it real easy. You keep getting’ more and more like a debutante and
treatin’ me more and more like the chauffeur.
!
Valerie
Oh, I do not.
!
Buzz
Oh, come on, Valerie. Enough of this! Look, we're here. Make the best of it. Do stuff;
get to know people. Look at me; I got stuff going on here. It’s interesting and useful.
!
Valerie
Oh Lord, like what? You don't mean that ridiculous gym?
!
Buzz
That gym helps one hell of a lot of people. Keeps young folks out of trouble, which is a
damn good thing these days, and it keeps older guys fit...
!
Valerie
(Looking at his girth)
Oh, keeps older guys fit, eh? Maybe it’s not really the gym you’re going to on all those
afternoons.
!
Buzz
(Sucks in his gut.)
OK, OK, maybe I’m a little softer than when I was boxing, but I’m OK. And you know
something, we're gonna build a new gym-- much bigger. It's gonna serve three cities in
this county. You could help us, too, you know that, raisin’ money, for example.

10. !10
!
Valerie
You and that obscene Gumpston? He led the fight against Paul in this county, I hope you
realize that. And now we have that despicable Hoopentaker in the Senate.
!
Buzz
Valerie, get over it; it's just politics, for Christ’s sake, politics, nothin' else.
!
Valerie
Well, where I come from politics matter. Anyway, a gym, even a three-city gym, is really
not what I'm aiming for, Buzz. Do you realize that entire foreign affairs budgets used to
be worked up in my living room? That's the level I'm aiming for.
!
Buzz
OK, OK, good luck. Mind tellin’ me how're you gonna get there?
!
Valerie
I have a plan, Buzz. That's why I need the divorce.
!
!
Buzz
Well, you're not gettin' no divorce, so forget it, and even if you ever got it, you'd have to
pay me so much alimony you'd be livin’ on skid row, considering I’m your major lifesupport system--cooking, cleaning up, chauffeuring, shopping...
!
Valerie
And you live in my house, remember? (Buzz hits the punching bag and Valerie continues
rather sweetly) The thing is, Buzz, I have an escape plan, but I'm afraid it only
accommodates one of us.
!
Buzz
You really are somethin’ else. What is this plan?
!
Valerie
(Enthusiastically)
I am going back into public life. I want to be an ambassador. I have been thinking about
it for a long time.
!
Buzz
Oh, yeah, nifty idea. That really sets you apart, that you’d like to be an ambassador.
!
Valerie
(Patting his hand)

11. !11
The difference, darling, is that I can do it. I haven’t tried because…well…because of us.
!
Buzz
What are you talkin’ about?
!
Valerie
I can do it, Buzz, but you can’t. I haven’t had the heart to break us up, but I just can’t
stand this life any longer.
!
Buzz
Hey, I'm waitin’. You gonna tell me this great plan, or what?
!
Valerie
(With conviction, enthusiasm—and naivete)
Don’t be angry, darling. I'm just going to call some of our old friends in Washington,
Paul's and mine. I'm going to network. For someone with my background that should be
pretty easy.
!
Buzz
What background? You ain’t never done a day's work yet.
!
Valerie
You can be flippant, but I was respected in that town, and I am still remembered. You'll
see.
Buzz
Well, pardon a dumb question, but, uh, where does divorce come into this?
!
Valerie
Ah, Buzz, you’re a dear man; I really mean that, but do you see yourself in that
environment, entertaining presidents, prime ministers, foreign secretaries. I've been
there, for me it's easy.
!
Buzz
You think I'd embarrass you.
!
Valerie
I'm saying nothing in your background has prepared you for this kind of work, and it
would be work.
!
Buzz
You'd be ashamed of me.
!
Valerie

12. !12
I think you would be miserable.
!
Buzz
Well, well, well.
!
Valerie
(With happy insight, perhaps clapping her
hands)
Oh, but I have an idea. If you want to come along, maybe you could do some kind of
work at the embassy. You could have an administrative job maybe, looking after the
building and grounds. I'm sure I could arrange it. In fact, I'd like that, having you
around--but after the divorce.
!
Buzz
Oh, sure, that would be nice, havin' your ex cuttin' the grass and doin' the windows. But
bein' divorced he couldn't be pesky about sittin' at the dinner table, huh?
!
Valerie
(A little like talking to a child)
Buzz, being in charge of the physical plant is a big job. Well, maybe you wouldn't have
charge of all of it, but a lot of it anyway.
!
!
!
Buzz
You are a piece of work, you know that, you really are. How about you try all this highpowered networking before we turn our lives upside down, huh?
!
Valerie
You're not angry, are you, darling?
!
Buzz
Of course not. Why should I be?
!
(He slams the punching bag a few times.)
Valerie
Buzz, Buzz, please, settle down. Now, look, I have a very important call to make.
!
Buzz
Oh, I beg your pardon. You gonna call the president? Hi from me, don't forget. But if he
says you gotta be divorced before you can go to Washington, tell him it’s off ‘cause your
dumb, roughneck husband thinks marriage is more important than politics.
!

13. !13
Valerie
(Conspiratorially)
I’m going to call one of the most powerful figures in Washington. He's a lawyer in a very
political law firm and could easily be the next Attorney General.
!
Buzz
Oh sure, the kinda lawyer that makes millions keepin’ the government from helpin’
simple people.
Valerie
(Nanny-like)
Buzz, dearest, no cracker barrel Marxism, please. Didn’t we agree about that?
(She dials.)
!
Buzz
I give up. Anyway, you’re never gonna get no ambassador’s job, so why am I all fussed
up?
(Goes to his computer.)
All right, baby, let's see how you’re gonna treat me today. Yesterday wasn't so hot.
!
Gumpston
(Enters)
Hey, hello, the door was open.
(Valerie looks disgusted but says nothing.
She reads a newspaper furiously all the time
Gumpston is on stage.)
!
Buzz
Hey, Gumps, how the hell are you, guy?
!
Gumpston
I’m OK, but listen, I just got a second. I’m on my way to Chicago. I’m working two days
a week in Hoopentacker’s office up there. It’s a killer drive, but worth it.
!
Buzz
Wow, That sounds really great. A terrific break for you, huh?
!
Gumpston
Yeah, it sure is, but look, I just want to drop off this jacket. A guy I met up there made it
for me. He’s kind of political-- he says for a Hoopentacker guy he’ll do it really cheap. I
figured they’d be good for us guys workin’ on the gym, and maybe to give to some of the
right people—the mayor, Hoopentaker, you know, folks like that. What do you think?
!

14. !14
Buzz
Damn good idea.
!
Gumpston
Good, and catch the design on the back—a gold triangle for the three cities were gonna
serve when we get going. Neat, huh? I”ll tell him make up a few more when I get up
there today. Anyway, I gotta run. I’m late as hell now. Keep this (the jacket) and I’ll talk
to you soon. See you later. Goodbye Valerie.
(Valerie ignores him. He exits.)
!
Buzz
Wow. Gumpston workin’ with Hoopentacker, how about that?
!
Valerie
I don’t even want to discuss it. It might make me ill.
!
Valerie
(While dialing the phone.)
You're going to lose your shirt with that thing--and I am going to get an ambassadorship,
just you....Hello...My name is Valerie Butts, I'm the late Senator Paul Huffer's
widow...Yes, that's right...I would like to speak to Mr. Leon Strummer. (She is pacing
nervously as she speaks.)...Thank you....
!
Buzz
Oh, wow. Oh, look at this! Go baby, go. Climb, you sucker. Climb.
!
!
!
!
!
Strummer
We can see him, although some sort of
staging must make it clear that he is in
another city, i.e. Washington
Yeah, hello, who’s this?
!
!
Valerie
Leon, it's Val. I'm so glad I caught you. How are you?
!
Strummer
I’m OK, but look..
!

15. !15
Valerie
....Oh, that's wonderful. And are you still running the government?
(Buzz scowls at her coyness.)
!
Strummer
Hey, who is this?
!
Valerie
It’s Valerie, darling, Senator Huffer’s widow.
!
Strummer
Oh, yeah, I remember. Where are you—at the hotel?
!
Valerie
Oh, no, no, I'm not at the hotel....(she laughs coyly) Oh, the old suite. How well I
remember.
(Buzz bashes the punching bag.)
!
Strummer
So, OK, where the hell are you?
!
Valerie
I'm, back in Union.
!
Strummer
Where?
!
Valerie
Union. You know, like the one Lincoln saved.
!
Strummer
Jesus! Is that in America?
!
Valerie
Yes, darling. It’s in Illinois, Paul’s state, remember?
!
Strummer
Why the hell are you there?
!
Valerie
Because Paul came back here after he left the Senate....
!
Strummer

16. !16
Yeah, OK. We’ll look, uh, uh…
Valerie
Val.
!
Strummer
Uh, yeah, Val. Look I’m so busy I can’t think straight, so what do you need?
!
Valerie
Well, I won't keep you more than a moment. You see, I want to get back into public
service...
!
Strummer
Back?? Pardon my ignorance, but when were you in public service?
!
Valerie
(indignantly)
Leon, all the time I was in Washington. We were a team, Paul and I....
!
Strummer
Oh, come on, lady. What did you do--church socials, that kind of stuff?
!
Valerie
I did plenty that was substantive, behind the scenes.
!
Strummer
You mean in hotel rooms?
!
Valerie
Oh, you have gotten wicked!
(Slightly like a public announcement)
Leon, I would like to serve our country abroad.
!
Strummer
Oh, yeah, get into the public trough... hob nob with the power elite. Well, look, I’m really
very…
!
Valerie
Leon, please don’t be quite so cynical. I want to serve...
!
Strummer
Great! Serve who? What? Where? Lady, I’m really busy.
!

17. !17
Valerie
Serve my country...Anywhere...say...Paris.
!
Strummer
Yeah, well, that’s very patriotic. If you got about a million bucks for the President’s
campaign fund, maybe we can talk about it, and I mean that, a million.
!
Valerie
Good God, prices have gone up. Isn't there anything for less?
!
Strummer
So how much have you got in mind?
!
Valerie
Well, say, oh, well, maybe $100,000.
(Buzz snaps to at this.)
!
Strummer
(Disdainfully)
A hundred grand! God, I don’t know. Fiji maybe.
!
Valerie
Fiji! FIJI! for $100,000.
!
Buzz
Where in hell are you going to get $100,000?
!
Valerie
Be quiet!!...
!
What!!?
Strummer
!
Valerie
No, no, I was talking to my husband. He asked me something.
!
Buzz
Don't come to me.
!
Valerie
(Scowls at Buzz)
I know it's a campaign year, Leon, and I know the president needs money, but my God,
these prices....(Buzz is back at his computer.) Well, look, Leon, I can't give it to you right

18. !18
now, but I can come up with, well, about $50,000
!
Strummer
Fifty K! We’re sinkin’ fast here. That’ll get you Nauru, if you’re lucky.
!
Valerie
Nauru? Is that a place?
!
Strummer
Yeah, it must be. It’s on my list here. Well, think about it, dearie. See if you can come up
with some more bucks. Look, I got stuff to do. Oh, by the way, the President’s Domestic
Advisor might be going out to the Midwest somewhere. Maybe you can meet him. Do
you some good…contacts and all. Check with the party office out there.
!
Valerie
Well, I'd love to meet him, but I'm mostly interested in serving abroad so please look into
the ambassador thing, and I'll scout up the money somehow.
!
Strummer
OK, OK, but now look, sweetie, if you are going to get anything at all you first got to get
an endorsement from the local party office back wherever you are. My secretary will tell
you who to call. Hey, nice to talk to you. Good luck.
!
Valerie
Thank you, Leon
(With her hand over the phone)
You little shit.
!
Buzz
What's happening? What’s Nooroo?
!
Valerie
Nauru is a speck somewhere, and I'm waiting for his wretched secretary.
!
Buzz
Why?
!
Valerie
I need some party hack in Illinois to vouch for my candidacy. It’s just a formality. She's
going to tell me his name.....Yes, yes, I'm here. I've had a nice nap; I'm quite
refreshed....Who!!? GUMPSTON!! I need a referral from Gumpston!! Oh, my God, I
don't believe this....No, no, nothing. Thank you. Goodbye.
!

19. !19
Buzz
Hey, what's goin' on. What's this about Gumpston?
!
Valerie
Gumpston, that vile squid, has taken over my life! Everywhere I turn one of his tentacles
grabs me.
!
Buzz
Most guys only got two.
!
Valerie
Buzz, I said tenta...Oh, never mind.
!
Buzz
OK, but where does Gumpston come in?
!
Valerie
Everywhere, apparently. First, he's the one who has to vouch for me, which is enough to
make me vomit.
!
Buzz
Oh, hey, that's good. He'll do a swell job for you.
!
Valerie
So I will either end up in Union for the rest of my life or in Gumpston's debt for the rest
of my life. Well, can't be helped. The relatively good news is that the President's
Domestic Affairs Adviser is coming to the Midwest.
!
To Union?
Buzz
!
Valerie
Yes, but he doesn't know it yet. That's exactly what we need to make happen.
!
Buzz
Who's "we?"
!
Valerie
Well, me, if you don't want to help me.
!
Buzz
I do, but then I think, "Hey, if she gets what she’s after, I'm helping myself become a
divorced yardman in Nooroo.

20. !20
!
!
Valerie
Well, anyway, that despicable Senator Hoopentacker is working with Gumpston on the
itinerary. I want that adviser here, even if we have to work with Gumpston to make it
happen.
!
Buzz
"We" again. Is that 'cause Gumpston knows you think he's pond scum?
!
!
Valerie
Let's talk about it all later, shall we? Right now, I have to think about money.
(Meanwhile, it has begun to storm outside.)
!
Buzz
Whoa, listen to that thunder!
(Looking at his computer screen)
Oh, wow, look at this stock, holy mackerel, that baby is hot. I'm gettin me some more of
that stuff.
(At that moment there is a crack of thunder,
and the lights go out. Buzz shouts.)
Shit!
!
!
End Scene
!

21. !21
!
!
!
Scene 2
(About an hour later. The electricity has
returned. Buzz goes to his computer.)
Buzz
Ah, great, the juice is back. Now watch the people’s capitalist rake in the loot, ladies and
gentlemen.
!
Valerie
Uh, Buzz, have you really made money on that thing?
!
Buzz
Have I made money? Hell, I’ve cleaned up.
!
Valerie
Really? Amazing! Like, uh, about how much?
!
Buzz
Hey, in the last few weeks alone, oh, about $450,000.
!
Valerie
What!!? You amaze me, Buzz. You really do, again and again. I guess that’s why I
married you.
!
Buzz
Aw, it’s a knack, you know, kinda a head for figures. Sometimes I think either you got it
or you ain’t.
!
Valerie
Well, it seems you’ve definitely got it. Have you thought about what you might do with
all that money?
!
Buzz
Oh, I don’t know, I’ll probably use a lot of it to get the new gym started.
!
Valerie
The gym!? Buzz, it’s a nice idea, but I wonder if we couldn’t, well, just lift our sights a
little bit.
!
What does that mean?
Buzz

22. !22
!
!
!
Valerie
I mean let’s help more people, the kind of people you are so concerned about, ordinary
people.
!
Buzz
Is that a fact?
!
Valerie
Yes, Buzz, it is. Just think about it. American diplomacy influences the way people live
around the world. Someone well placed in our foreign affairs could do so much for so
many people.
!
Buzz
Oh, yeah, now I see where this is going.
!
Valerie
If we could get enough money for a good post in Europe, well, we--you and I--could be a
real force in world affairs.
!
Buzz
OK, OK, now let’s just review the biddin’ here. You are sayin’ you want me to give you
my money to give to Strummer so you can become an ambassador somewhere.
!
Valerie
Buzz, so that we can become ambassador. This is something we’ll be doing together,
something important.
!
Buzz
Don’t we usually have just one ambassador in these places?
!
Valerie
Yes, of course, officially, but that’s not the point. An ambassador needs all the help he or
she can get, good, trustworthy assistance. That’s where you would come in. Backstopping everything I did, everyday.
!
Buzz
Oh, is that right? Well, that’s pretty good, but uh, tell me, where exactly does the divorce
fit in?
!
Valerie

23. !23
The what?
!
Buzz
The divorce you wanted a couple of hours ago.
!
!
Valerie
Oh, Buzz, darling, I hope you didn’t take that too literally. I didn’t really mean I wanted
to divorce you, you must realize that.
!
Buzz
You don’t want no divorce?
!
Valerie
No, of course not.
!
Buzz
And you want me to go with you overseas? I mean without I need to do the windows?
!
Valerie
Of course, I do; do you think I’d go without you? We might have to give you some
administration job title, but you'd really be co-ambassador.
!
Buzz
I don’t know, Val. I really want to do this gym thing. It’s my kinda thing, you know what
I’m sayin’? I can see it helpin’ folks, ordinary folks, whereas this other thing, well, it’s
all kind of airy-fairy, and anyway, I always figure that Washington and diplomats and all
are really more out to screw folks than to help ‘em.
!
Valerie
Oh, Buzz, that’s not true. We’ve got to have good government and really good people,
like you and me, running it. Now, look, let’s just call and see what might happen if we
were to offer some real money to Strummer, shall we?
!
Buzz
I gotta tell ya, I don’t like it very much.
!
Valerie
I know, dear, I know, and I respect your concerns.
(She picks up the phone and dials.)
!
Buzz

24. !24
Hey, you be damned careful, you hear me?
!
Valerie
I just want to see what they say. We don’t need to make a commitment....Hello. This is
Valerie Huffer. (Buzz looks up surprised and irritated) Uh, that is Valerie Butts. I’d like
to speak with Leon Strummer please....No, don’t see if he’s in. If he weren’t in, you’d
say so. I want to talk to him....I'm following up on my earlier call....What more do you
need to know? Tell him it’s about a large sum of money that I intend to give to him if he
plays his cards right. It’s for him to give to the President. See if that interests him.
!
Strummer
(Roughly)
Strummer, here.
!
Valerie
Leon, darling, sorry to bother you again, but I found some money, quite a bit actually
!
Strummer
God, that was quick. What did you do, stick up a liquor store?
!
Valerie
That’s none of your business. And could we be a little more civilized?
!
Strummer
Yeah, sure. So how much ya got?
!
Valerie
$650,000.
!
Strummer
Oh, yeah?
!
Buzz
(At nearly he same time)
Jaysus, what??
!
Not too bad
Strummer
!
Buzz
How much??
!
Valerie

25. !25
(Mouthing “be quiet” to Buzz.)
Yes, and I think that should buy something pretty good.
!
Strummer
Well, maybe, what do you have in mind?
!
Valerie
Something nice, dear. (Buzz hits the bag)
!
!
!
!
Strummer
Yeah, OK, sure. Look, dearie, it’s possible because of some special circumstances that
Copenhagen might be going for that kind of money, and let me tell you, it’s a goddamn
steal. I’ll make some calls.
!
Valerie
Copenhagen? Really. Oh, that would do nicely. The Danes are a jolly sort of people
aren’t they? As close to being Italians as you get in Scandinavia.
!
Strummer
Yeah, I guess they’re OK. I think they yodel or something. Anyway, if you want a shot at
it, get that money very fast, you understand? Listen, I got to go. My secretary will fill
you in on the Copenhagen situation.
!
Valerie
Alright, Leon. I’ll get the money there very quickly. Bye now….Hello, is this Mr.
Strummer’s secretary?…Yes, you’re going to tell me about Copenhagen…Uh huh, uh
huh, I see…. Uh huh, uh huh…. Yes, yes...Thank you. Goodbye.
!
Buzz
What the hell are you up to?
!
Valerie
Buzz, this is unbelievable. I can have...we can have Copenhagen.
!
Buzz
I don’t want Copenhagen. Where would I put it?
!
Valerie
Of course, you do, and so do I. Look, the ambassador there just died. They’re stuck, and
there’s going to be a special meeting of NATO there next month.

26. !26
!
Buzz
What good are you going to be at that? You don’t know NATO from bug spray.
!
Valerie
I happen to know a great deal about NATO, but the beauty of it is, I don’t have to. I will
have an excellent career deputy who knows all about everything. Isn’t that delicious?
All they need is someone presentable in the ambassadorship. Me, in other words.
!
Buzz
OK, you’re ambassador, huh? And you got this crackerjack career nursemaid. So just
exactly where do I fit in?
!
!
!
Valerie
Buzz, you’ll be helping me all the way. Behind the scenes. The power behind the
throne....Oh, I nearly forgot, Leon’s secretary told me that the President’s domestic affairs
adviser wants a program for Illinois by the end of the week.
!
Buzz
Hey, speakin’ of that, I told Gumpston how you wanted really bad to get that guy here.
He says he'll see what he can do. (slowly getting an idea) Hey, hey, let’s get him
involved in the gym. Yeah, look, I give the town my money to start building a new gym.
That way we got something real to get this domestic guy’s attention
!
Valerie
Forget it.
!
Buzz
It’s perfect. With my money we start diggin' the foundation for the gym. Meanwhile, we
make a date with this domestic guy, lay on a photographer, and pose the guy in front of a
bulldozer. Then he goes back and gets Washington all excited about it.
Valerie
But Buzz, you forgot....
!
Buzz
Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me finish. I got another neat idea—those jackets
Gumpston is having made.
Valerie
Yes, yes, Buzz....
!

27. !27
Buzz
Just one sec. Let me finish. We give one of these jackets to the domestic guy during the
bulldozer ceremony and one for Hoopentacker, too. Is that a neat idea, or what?
!
Valerie
(With restrained exasperation)
Buzz, think of it this way. We have a box of money, a fairly sizable box. If we give it to
Stummer, he will send us to Copenhagen. If we give it to the gym, they will say, “Gosh,
thanks,” and we will live and die in Union.
(Pause)
Ah, but wait a minute...Maybe we can give the box to Strummer and also promise it to
the gym, a pledge, I think they call it. We do all your stuff with the domestic guy and the
bulldozer, but when the gym says, “Hey, where’s the money?” We’re gone.
!
Buzz
What? You mean we stiff the gym?
!
!
Valerie
Buzz, we can do so much for so many people this way, good people, common folks.
!
Buzz
By giving fancy-assed dinners in Copenhagen. That’s going to help folks in Union? Call
me dumb, I don’t see it.
!
Valerie
Oh, you are so obstinate!
!
Buzz
No, I ain’t obstinate, Val, but I got a vision, see? You got to realize that. I can turn this
gym into a real force for good in this community and in the other communities around
here, too; you know that? We’re started on all that, Val, and I ain’t givin’ it up.
!
Valerie
Buzz, Buzz, ordinarily I wouldn’t dream of asking you to give it up. But think of the
wonderful opportunity you will have…
!
Buzz
(His mood changes suddenly.)
Hey, stop, wait! Maybe we can both have what we want. You can have Copenhagen—
with me by the way, which we need to talk about a little more, like what the Sam Hill I’m
gonna’ do there—and I can have my gym.
!

28. !28
Valerie
(Dubiously)
Well, Buzz that’s wonderful. Go on.
!
Buzz
You got money to live on. Investments, Paul’s pension, that stuff, right?
!
Valerie
(Warily)
Yes, not a lot, but some.
!
You don’t really need no salary.
Buzz
!
Valerie
What? Are you crazy?
!
Buzz
No, listen! We, that is, I, give my box of money to Strummer.
!
Valerie
That’s good.
!
Buzz
But, to keep the gym from getting shafted you give your new salary to it. We can get a
lawyer this afternoon to set it all up. In fact, Gumpston oughta do it.
!
Valerie
Are you absolutely out of your mind?
!
I am serious.
Buzz
!
Valerie
You are raving. For one thing, in these posts, especially European posts, you need all the
income you can get. You need to entertain constantly. They never give you enough.
They figure if you’re rich enough to buy the post, you’re rich enough to run it.
!
Buzz
It’s time they learned different. Time they started to pay for stuff, if they want it.
Valerie

29. !29
(Excitedly)
Buzz, just forget it. Give away my salary! You must be mad!
!
Buzz
Well suppose I just call up Strummer and tell him it was really my money, and I’ve
changed my mind, huh.
!
Valerie
Don’t give me that.
(Buzz goes to the phone. Valerie laughs.)
You don’t even know his number.
!
Buzz
Redial!
!
Valerie
(snatching away the phone)
Don’t ever try that again!
!
Buzz
The hell I won’t. You want to be an ambassador, huh? Well, get your coat. The way to
Copenhagen is through Gumpston’s office.
!
!
Valerie
Oh, God, I swear I’ll sue that damned cruise company.
(The stage goes dark.)
!
!
!
End Scene
!
!
!
!

30. !30
!
!
!
!
!
Scene 3
(Several hours later.)
Valerie
That meeting with Gumpston was the most humiliating experience of my life. I hope you
appreciate that.
!
Buzz
Aw, come on, relax, will ya, relax. You done the right thing. That’s what’s important.
!
Valerie
Ehhhhhhhh.
!
Buzz
Oh, Val, take it easy, OK?… I’m going to see what’s goin’ on in the market. I damn near
forgot this thing.
(Valerie paces and fumes. Buzz logs on.)
Oh, oh. Whoa! What the hell’s goin’ on here!? Wait a minute! Jaysus! Oh, my God! Oh,
Cheerist! Oh, this is a disaster! This is a wipeout. OH, NO, NO, NO!!
!
Valerie
What are you howling about? Quiet down, for heaven’s sake.
!
Buzz
We’re wiped out, that’s what I’m howling about. We’re Goddamned destroyed, ruined. I
not only lost all my money…
!
Valerie
How? Make sense, will you?
!
Buzz
About six months ago I got into trading commodities.
!
Valerie
Which means what?
!
Vegetables, hog jowls, stuff like that.
!
Buzz

31. !31
Valerie
And??
!
Buzz
Oh God, oh God...
!
Valerie
Buzz, speak!
!
Buzz
Well, the idea is that you buy this stuff low, and sell high.
!
Valerie
Yes, that’s called gambling. Buzz, what have you done?
!
Buzz
I bought beans.
!
Valerie
Oh my God. And the price didn’t go up, did it?
!
Buzz
No, it didn’t.
!
Valerie
How bad is this going to get?
!
Buzz
I should have sold at any price, but I hoped things would get better. Then I got distracted
and missed a deadline.
!
Valerie
Yes, and…
!
Buzz
I just got a message—the first three truckloads of beans are coming to this address
tomorrow.
!
Valerie
Beans!! Buzz, do you realize that you said “beans.” Are you telling me that instead of
money we have beans!!
!
Buzz

32. !32
Lots of beans.
!
Valerie
Instead of ambassador to Copenhagen, I’m the bean queen of Union. Buzz, do
something.
!
Do what?
Buzz
!
Valerie
(Hysterically)
How should I know? Call somebody.
!
Buzz
There ain’t nobody to call.
!
Valerie
(Shouting franticsally.)
Now , let’s keep calm. Let’s just all keep calm.
(Then she weeps.)
(Buzz is pacing. He passes the punching
bag, growls at it but doesn’t hit it. Then he
changes his mind and punches it.)
!
Buzz
Aww, well, come on, Val, it’s not the end of the world.
!
Valerie
No. God, I wish it were. Lord, please hit me with a thunderbolt.
(Then, to Buzz.)
Otherwise, you know what’s going to happen? I am going to live out my wretched life
right here in Purgatory, Illinois. How will I get my kicks? buying bird seed at K-Mart out
on the highway, or getting a big hot chocolate half-price on seniors’ day at Anne’s
Sweetie Pie Pastry and Coffee Shop. Meanwhile, the center of this beastly town and I
will decay together. That’s my life from now on. Oh God, please, send a thunderbolt.
!
Buzz
Oh, now, come on, calm down.
!
Valerie
How could you? How? How? How? You’ve completely ruined me. And with beans, for
God’s sake. Beans! By the way, do you have any idea what you’re gong to do with the
wretched things. Make salads for the world?

33. !33
!
Buzz
I don’t know.
!
Valerie
Buzz, I never thought I’d hear myself say these words. Call Gumpston.
!
End Scene
!

34. !34
Scene Four
!
(Enter Gumpston)
!
!
Gumpston
OK, I got it fixed.
!
Buzz
How?
!
Gumpston
Union is a sister city with Yakutsk in Siberia. I kid you not. A few years ago everyone
was crazy about these city to city things. We got Yakutsk. They just had an earthquake.
Everything is a mess. I suggested to the mayor that we ask them if we can help, maybe
send food. They said sure. How about beans? They said, that’s fine. The neat thing
about Yakutsk is you don’t to put them in cold storage.
!
Buzz
Great….. but how will they get there?
!
Gumpston
The mayor agreed to use city funds as long as the New Republicans back him for
Congress in two years. Sure, I said. He’s a small time crook, but what the hell.
!
Buzz
Gunpster, you’re amazing!
!
Gumpston
Thanks, but now look, that domestic guy is coming this afternoon. I got a big photo op
set up--him, you, Val, the mayor, and a bulldozer. It’ll look real good in Washington.
We’re gonna have a bushel basket of beans there, too. Symbolic, see. And the mayor has
a banner with his picture that says “beans for freedom.”
!
Valerie
(With despairing irony)
How did this ever happen to me?
!
Gumpston
To tie the gym and the beans together, I told Washington it’s all the work of a new
foundation you two have started, the Huffer-Butts Foundation for a Better World. They
love it. My guy in the White House said speed the photos down so they can send them
out with a press release.

35. !35
!
Valerie
OK, we won’t drown in beans, bit we still don’t have any money.
!
!
!
Gumpston
Yeah, but we may not need it. Just before I came over here I sent the White House my
endorsement for Val. Told ‘em you were wonderful, Val.
!
Valerie
(coolly)
How nice…Thank you. But why don’t we need the money?
!
Gumpston
Well, the administration took a lot of flack last term on taking forever to make
appointments. So I think their ready to move real fast this time.
!
Valerie
Without money?
!
Gumpston
Yeah, but they don’t know it yet. I played on their fears. I gave ‘em nightmares, talked
about bad press, stories about slow appointments, how we’re not serious about Europe
any more, all that kind of stuff. See, I knew if we can get this done fast enough, we can
get you to Denmark before Strummer realizes all he’s got is a pledge. And here’s the best
part, I said if they don’t act fast they might lose you. That was the clincher.
!
Valerie
Lose me! I can’t believe it! Now, I’m some kind of prize.
!
Gumpston
You’re darn tootin’ you are! I made sure of that. And so they’re pushing your
appointment through super quick. They sounded out the Danes, who don’t have any
problem with it, and the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, which says it won’t either.
!
Valerie
I would think not. Paul was on that committee.
!
Gumpston
Yeah, well, that was Paul. Some people down there say your experience is sort of…
weakish.
!

36. !36
Valerie
(Offended)
Who said that?
!
!
Gumpston
Some people in the White House, but I got all that fixed up real good. I told ‘em all again
about all your great qualities. I told them you were the force behind Paul’s success.
!
Valerie
Well, God knows that’s true enough, until he got beaten anyway.
!
Gumpston
And I stressed again how you were completely at home with high-powered folks, even if
they were foreigners, like a lot of them are likely to be overseas.
!
Valerie
I have entertained ambassadors, presidents, and prime ministers in my home. They ought
to know that.
!
Gumpston
And above all, and this is the big, big item, I pounded home how you have been
completely and totally involved in your local community.
!
Valerie
(Surprised)
Oh, you did. Well...uh, that’s... interesting.
!
Gumpston
And emphasized the great work your foundation is doing locally and internationally. Told
‘em how you’re even giving your entire salary to help build the new gym.
!
Valerie
You told them that? They liked it?
!
Gumpston
They loved it. They said that can really make a difference, especially with how senators
react to you. They’re going to put it in your nomination papers and in a press release.
Goes out tomorrow with the bulldozer photo.
!
And what about the State Department?
!
Valerie

37. !37
Gumpston
They don’t seem to come into it.
!
Valerie
That sounds right.
(A pause. She brightens gradually.)
So, what you’re telling me is, it’s done. It’s in the bag.
!
Gumpston
That’s exactly right. I am telling you that you are an ambassador, or as good as.
!
Valerie
I am an ambassador! I am ambassador to Denmark!
!
Buzz
Hey, cookie, is that great or what?
!
Valerie
(Half serious, half silly)
Madam Ambassador would sound better.
(Then she laughs and dances around the
room. Then stops suddenly.)
And what about Strummer?
!
Gumpston
If you say I said it, I’ll deny it, but Strummer is screwed. The whole thing is going too
fast. No silver will cross his palm at all, or anyone else’s. From a politician’s point of
view, it’s a real foul up because you’re going to be ambassador to Denmark before
anyone realizes they didn’t get a payoff.
!
Valerie
(Starts dancing and laughing again.)
I am Madam Ambassador, and Strummer is screwed; oh, God, life doesn’t get better than
that.
!
Gumpston
Now, listen, they want you to be ready to appear before the Senate Foreign Relations
Committee by the end of next week.
!
Valerie
Oh boy! I’m going to need new clothes and new luggage.
!
Buzz

38. !38
Yeah, me, too. All I got is my old sea bag.
!
Valerie
(With a sharp change of attitude)
Ah, uh, Buzz, that, I’m afraid, brings us back to what we we’re talking about earlier.
!
Buzz
What was that?
Valerie
(She is sounding ambassadorial already.)
Well, Buzz, I don’t want to go into it all right here and now, but I mean that whole broad
range of issues centered basically upon how exactly you can fit into diplomatic life, if
indeed, you can. Do you see?
!
Gumpston
Oh, I’m sure he can. Anyway, he’s going to have to. Without him there’s no deal.
Valerie
(Alarmed)
What!!?
Gumpston
That’s the really interesting part. The domestic advisor is setting things up so that when
you go to Washington, Buzz should go along, too, and be there for everything--in the
Senate and everywhere else. Buzz might even get a question from the Senators, and
you’ll both have your pictures taken with the President. Is that neat, or what? I fixed it all
up.
!
Buzz
Gumpston, that’s fantastic, absolutely fantastic, our pictures with the president.
Amazing!
!
But, but, what? Why?
Valerie
(Stunned)
!
Gumpston
The White House wants to stress that the government's getting a team, one with deep
community concerns. Isn’t that great?
!
Valerie
(Aside)

39. !39
I’m chained to Godzilla.
!
Gumpston
Wait, that’s not all.
!
Valerie
(With muted sarcasm)
How could there possibly be more?
!
Gumpston
There’s great news for Buzz, for when you get to Denmark.
!
!
Valerie
Lay it on me, I'm putty already.
!
Gumpston
See, in a couple years there will be Olympic games in Denmark.
!
That’s interesting.
Valerie
(Expressionlessly)
!
Gumpston
Well, the White House thinks it would be really terrific if Buzz were the liaison with the
Olympics Committee folks there.
!
Buzz
What? What? Say that again.
!
Gumpston
I swear it’s true. I pushed hard for it and got it. They want you to be our government’s
liaison with the Olympics Committee.
!
Buzz
Holy mackerel!! Val, you hear that?? Me, a diplomat!! A leezeeon. Wow!! I never
thought I’d grow up to be a leezeon.
(He mimes receiving an Olympics trophy.)
This special Olympic trophy goes to Buzz Butts, winner in the leezeeon category.
(Then he gets second thoughts.)
Hey, but you know what? I’m not goin’ be some fancy striped pants sort of dude, I’m
goin’ a people’s leezeeon.
!

40. !40
Valerie
(Incredulously)
Liaison to the Olympics? Buzz? Really?
!
Gumpston
Yeah, you bet. Listen, I used Buzz to really get things moving. See, I knew they were
interested in him. And I told the domestic advisor and anybody else who would listen that
he was on the verge of getting into a lot of pretty big stuff here, local and international, so
they better darn well hurry things along if they want him because he isn’t going to be
available too much longer.
!
Valerie
They want Buzz! Really?
!
Buzz
Could you say that in a happier voice?
!
Valerie
And that clinched it?
!
Gumpston
Yes ma’am. That was what put it over.
!
Valerie
Well, well, well.
Gumpston
Anyway, the President will mention all this, probably in the Rose Garden tomorrow or
the next day…Oh, hey guys, one more thing. You’ve got to be careful when you get to
Copenhagen.
!
Valerie
Careful, why?
!
Gumpston
There's a rumor that the Senate is going to launch an investigation of some kind. I don’t
know any more than that yet. It will try to show that the party is cleaning itself up.
!
Valerie
That will be a challenge.
!
Gumpston
And the word on the street is that they might go overseas, but I don't know where yet.

41. !41
Everyone figures, though, that they’ll be rough here and there to show that it's not all just
a whitewash.
!
Valerie
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. It sure doesn’t take him long anymore does
it?
!
!
!
!
!
[Act I Curtain]

42. !42
!
Act II
!
!
!
!
(The action takes place in the ambassador’s
office in the U.S. embassy in Copenhagen.)
Scene 1
Valerie
(Talking in an intercom to her secretary,
Linda)
Linda, I want a country team meeting at three this afternoon, and get me all the political
section reports on NATO preparedness, and I also want to talk to Sam Stevenson about
the exports thing as soon as you can get him, OK? …Thanks. And if you can find Buzz,
send him in here at once…He’s there. Good. Send him in.
!
Buzz
(Enters)
Hey, what’s up?
!
Valerie
(Seething)
You made the morning papers. Congratulations. Have you seen this?
(Throws a newspaper at him)
!
Buzz
Uh, uh,
(Laughs nervously)
uh, well, uh yeah.
!
Valerie
That, my darling, is a picture of you. (She stabs it with a letter opener.) Nobody knows
that but me, at least I hope not. A picture of you from the back.
!
Buzz
Uh, yeah, uh no, I mean, how do you know?
!
Valerie
Because, damn it, I know what you look like from the back, and even if I didn’t I would
recognize that ridiculous jacket.
!
Buzz

43. !43
Yeah, well, yeah, uh, it does look a lot like mine.
!
!
Valerie
Yes, doesn’t it, and that looks remarkably like your hand, doesn’t it, planted firmly on the
ass of that blonde bitch who is described as the daughter of the Minister of Sport and
Recreation--appropriately enough. I thought you were at a meeting of the Olympics
Committee.
!
Buzz
I was.
!
Valerie
In Tivoli Park!!?
!
Buzz
Oh, now, Val, hey, we was just takin’ a walk after the meeting. You know, gettin’ some air
and stuff.
!
Valerie
Oh sure, and you were just pushing her along so you could get home sooner.
!
Buzz
Hey, my hand slipped. What can I say?
!
Valerie
(Very angry)
Just about anything apparently. Damn it, Buzz, I hoped you had given up that stuff, or at
least given it a rest. You don’t want a divorce; well why the hell not? You want to be
here with me; well, why is that—to have a nice marital base while you play Olympic
grab-ass?
!
Buzz
Oh, Val, for Christ’s sake, take it easy.
!
Valerie
I won’t take it easy. Either you be my husband or get out. And I haven’t even mentioned
the political fall-out from this.
!
Buzz
Oh, come on. There ain’t gonna be no political issue.
!

44. !44
Valerie
(With angry irony)
Oh, no! U.S. ambassador’s husband gropes high official’s daughter in park. What
tabloid would ever want a story like that? Now, listen to me; this damned story makes a
meal out of that jacket. “Who Is the Mystery Man in the Splendid Jacket?”
!
!
Buzz
Jeez, our publicity jackets!
!
Valerie
That’s right. They certainly got publicity this time. Your name is on that thing, isn’t it?
!
Buzz
Well, uh, yeah, yeah, it is. See, we had each guy’s name….
!
Valerie
Alright, now look, you know where the embassy incinerator is, don’t you?
!
Buzz
Yeah, sure.
!
Valerie
Good. Get that jacket right now and throw it into the incinerator, do you understand?
Don’t hide it, don’t bury it, burn it. I don’t want there to be a trace of it by tomorrow.
!
Buzz
Oh, uh, well, gosh, uh, yeah.
!
Valerie
Buzz, what is the matter?
!
Buzz
Well, like, the thing is, uh I don’t have the jacket right now.
!
Where * is * the * jacket, * Buzz!!?
Valerie
!
Buzz
Well, see, it’s like Kirsten got chilly...
!
Kirsten!! The vixen in the photograph?
Valerie

45. !45
!
Buzz
Yeah, and I let her take it home.
!
Valerie
Or you forgot it in her apartment.
!
Buzz
Oh, now, no, no, come on, there was nothin’ like that.
!
Valerie
(To Linda) Linda, get the Olympics Committee right away. Buzz wants to talk to a
Miss Kirsten Soyessen. He needs to speak to her right away. (To Buzz) Buzz, you get
that jacket from her at once. Then destroy it, do you hear me? Let me know the minute
you have it.
!
Buzz
OK, alright, I’ll get it tonight when Kirsten gets home.
!
Valerie
Sooner, tell her you’ll go get it, wherever it is.....I’ll tell you, you have a terrible sense of
timing.
!
Buzz
Why? What’s goin’ on?
!
Valerie
Remember Gumpston told us to be careful?
!
Buzz
(Gets his phone connection.)
Hey wait, Val…Yeah, yeah. Gone for the afternoon! Please ask her to call the U.S.
Ambassador’s office as soon as she gets home. Thank you
!
Valerie
I just got a message from the State Department saying rumors are going around that a
committee to investigate propriety in government is shaping up in the Senate. That’s
what Gumpston was talking about.
!
Buzz
What in government?
!
Valerie

46. !46
(Patiently from here on)
Propriety. That means good behavior--for example, not feeling up ministers’ daughters
on taxpayers’ time.
!
Buzz
They’re going to investigate that? Why the hell do they care?
!
Valerie
Because it is not exactly what the government pays you to do.
!
Buzz
Hey, maybe they ain’t thinkin’ about overseas, you know what I mean?
!
Valerie
Buzz, if they do it at all, they’ll come overseas, at least to the nice places, depend on it.
!
Buzz
What the hell are they going to find?
!
Valerie
Plenty. There’s as much hanky-panky overseas as there is in Washington, it’s just that
nobody back home cares. Paul knew about stuff that would make Clinton blush, but he...
(Phone rings. Valerie answers.)
Hello...Yes, he’s here....Buzz, it’s for you.
!
Buzz
Hello....Hey, Gumps, how in the hell are you?...Yeah, great, it’s good to hear from you,
guy, it really is....Yeah....Yeah....Yeah, we were just talkin' about that....Yeah....So it’s
really gonna happen....Wow....OK, well, keep me posted, will ya?... Oh yeah, I’ll tell her;
I’m in her office right now.....So long, Gumps.
!
Valerie
What was that all about?
!
Buzz
That was Gumpston. God, you could have knocked me over with...
!
Valerie
(With patient exasperation)
Buzz!!
!
The Senate thing......It’s gonna happen….
Buzz

47. !47
!
Valerie
Buzz, could you please start a narrative flow?
!
Buzz
Senator Hoopentacker is leadin’ this thing, and Gumpston is now working full-time for
him. He says he don’t know yet if they’re comin’ overseas or not.
!
Valerie
(With bitter resignation)
Well, I do. They’ll come during the Senate recess. Be prepared. And they’ll find lots
that’s wrong, or else everyone will say that their trip was just a junket, which, of course,
it will be....(Her phone rings)….. Buzz, it’s your chickadee.
(She hands him the phone.)
!
!
Buzz
Hello, Kirsten, how are you?....Uh, yeah, yeah, I did, too....Yeah, it really was, yeah, but
uh, Kirsten, look, I’m here in the ambassador’s office....Yeah, yeah, we saw it....I
explained to her how it was all a mistake, an accident....Yeah, but I really need that jacket
right away....You what!!?...You can’t find it!!....Oh my God!!....Where did you leave
it?....Oh no, no!! Oh my God!!
!
Valerie
OH, MY GOD!!
!
Buzz
OK, Kirsten, look everywhere. We’ve absolutely got to find it....OK, I’ll talk to you later.
(To Valerie)
Yesterday she left it in her front hall closet. Today they had a luncheon. After the
luncheon it was gone.
!
Valerie
(Hysterical)
Gone! GONE!! And with your name emblazoned all over it. Buzz, we are road kill, road
kill.
!
Buzz
Hey, Val, Val, relax, we’ll get it.
!
Hello....yes, just a moment.
(The phone rings.)
Valerie

48. !48
(To Buzz)
It’s for you.
!
Buzz
Hello....Hey, Gumpston, twice in one day. This is quite a surprise....Oh yeah, sure, I’ll
keep it quiet....Strummer....Oh really...Wow!...Hang on a minute, Gumps.
(To Valerie)
Strummer has been named to head up Hoopentacker’s overseas investigation staff.
(Valerie collapses on her desk.)
Gumpston says he just accepted. It ain’t public yet so we got to keep quiet about it.
!
Valerie
(Springs up and grabs the phone.)
Gumpston, are you sure about this...I see. They’re coming here.... Yes, of course, the
State Department will let me know, probably the day after they arrive.... Thank you,
Goodbye.
!
!
Buzz
Strummer! Jaysus!
!
Valerie
Yes, Strummer.
!
Buzz
Hey, you don't think this is all just to get us, do you?
!
Valerie
No, it's to pre-empt the Democrats, but as long as they're at it, Strummer is sure as hell
going to try to get us. He'll swagger around the world, screw us along the way, and end
up Attorney General. And by then, if we're not in jail, we'll wish we were.
!
Buzz
Hey, we better get a strategy.
!
End Scene
!

49. !49
!
!
Scene 2
Buzz
I had Kirsten look everywhere. I’m tellin’ you she turned their place inside out. It just
ain’t there.
!
Valerie
What about the guests? Someone could have taken it by mistake.
!
Buzz
She called ‘em all. No one has it.
!
Oh, God!
Valerie
!
Buzz
Well, look, either someone has it by mistake and doesn’t know it yet, or someone stole it.
If it’s a mistake, it’ll be returned.
!
Valerie
After the story spreads all over Denmark, and what if it’s stolen. How can we….
(Valerie’s phone rings.)
Yes, Linda....Who? …She’s here!?…Just a minute.
(To Buzz)
Do you know a Greta from the minister’s residence?
!
Buzz
(In a not totally convincing way)
Might have seen her once or twice.
!
Valerie
(With sweet tones over venom)
Well, darling, she says she knows you…and she’s here.
!
Buzz
What!!? She’s here!!
!
Yes.
!
Valerie
(Sweetly)

50. !50
Buzz
What? Why?
!
Valerie
Well, let’s call her in and ask her, shall we?…Linda, send in this Greta, please.
(Greta enters, trying hard not to be awed by
the circumstances. She makes a sly little
wave to Buzz.)
How do you? Please be seated.
!
Greta
Thank you.
!
Valerie
How can I help you?
!
Greta
I used to work at the residence of the Minister of …
!
Valerie
Yes, we know.
!
Buzz
Hey, you say you used to. You mean you don’t no more?
!
Zip Greta
No. I was…released.
!
Buzz
Jeez, why? When?
!
Greta
Yesterday. They say I stole things. They lie. Anyway, they have so much, why shouldn’t
I?
!
Valerie
Miss…uh, Greta, I ask you again, how can I help you?
!
Greta
Did you see the piece in the Dagblat this morning about the minister’s daughter and the
jacket?
!

51. !51
Valerie
I think I saw something like that. A silly piece, I didn’t pay it much attention.
!
Greta
Oh, really. That’s hard to believe. Surely you recognized your husband’s jacket.
!
Valerie
I don’t recall. Why should I?
!
Greta
It’s striking, and it has your husband’s name on it.
!
Valerie
(Glaring at Buzz then talking to Greta)
How do you know?
!
Greta
They say I steal. No. I borrowed a few things, including your husband’s jacket, although
they don’t know that.
!
Buzz
Jeez! What!!?
!
Valerie
You have the jacket?
!
Greta
I do.
!
Valerie
Give it to me.
!
Greta
Ah, perhaps I shall. How badly do you want it?
!
Valerie
(Fiercely)
Don’t you dare play games with me. What do you want?
!
Money.
!
Greta

52. !52
Valerie
Of course! How much?
!
Ten thousand dollars.
Greta
!
Valerie
What!!?
!
Buzz
Hey, good. We can get it back. That was easier than I thought.
!
Valerie
Oh, was it? Well, maybe you have ten thousand dollars handy, I don’t. Remember I’m
giving my salary to that vile Gumpston for that ridiculous gymnasium. Any ideas?
!
Buzz
(Aside)
Bargain, haggle. Offer her half at the most.
!
Valerie
(To Greta)
Now look, we can’t possibly come up with that kind of money.
!
Greta
I’ve heard the minister say all American ambassadors who serve here have to be rich.
!
Valerie
Well, he’s wrong. Look, I shouldn’t give you a thing, but maybe I can come up with five
thousand.
!
Greta
Nonsense, ten.
!
Valerie
Seven and a half. That’s absolutely the best I can do.
!
Greta
(After thinking for a few moments)
Well, OK.
!
Valerie
But you’ll have to wait a day or two. I don’t have it in my purse, believe it or not.

53. !53
!
Greta
Hmm, how do I know I can trust you?
!
Valerie
What’s to trust? If you don’t get the money, we don’t get the jacket. Now look, next
Thursday at noon, my husband will meet you in Tivoli Park with the money. Dollars or
Kroner?
!
Greta
Kroner will be fine.
!
Valerie
Now, Greta, this has been very easy for you, but I want you to understand that if you try
to do anything more, things could suddenly get very difficult for you. Do you
understand?
!
Greta
Well, no, not exactly.
!
Valerie
I mean if you get tricky, decide you need more money or decide after you hand over the
jacket to tell your story to the press…
!
Greta
Oh, I would never do such a thing.
!
Valerie
Well, probably not. I can tell you’re a very upright sort of a person. But if you should
even dream of such a thing, you should know that I have ways of getting stories around
about people, nasty stories. Do you understand me?
!
Greta
(Worried)
Maybe.
!
Valerie
Well, just let me say that unless you hand over the jacket and then forget all about it,
you’ll soon be known as Denmark’s champion molester of farm animals. Nobody will let
you near their pets, much less their children…Well, I think we’re done here. Goodbye.
!
Greta
I will see you then next Thursday, Herr Buzz.

54. !54
!
Buzz
Yeah, see ya.
!
(Greta exits)
Valerie
Now, the moment you get that jacket come straight back here and give it to me. I intend
personally to throw it into the incinerator.
!
Buzz
OK, OK.
!
!
Valerie
Oh, and, Buzz, one more thing.
(beat)
Don’t put your hand on her ass.
!
!
End Scene
!

55. !55
Scene 3
!
!
Buzz
(Barging into Valerie’s office)
God dag, god dag, vordan har du det?. That’s Danish. It means, “Hi. What’s up?”
!
Valerie
Could you please knock when you come in.
!
Buzz
Oh, sorry, I thought I was special.
!
Valerie
Oh, yes, of course you are…especially with that preposterous thing on your head. Where
did you get it?
!
Buzz
Hey, it’s a student’s cap, but older guys wear ‘em, too.
university. Neat, huh?
I got it at a shop near the
!
Valerie
You get around at a worrisome rate. May I help you with something?
!
Buzz
I just had a word with Gumpston. Hoopentacker is definitely comin’ to Copenhagen.
The State Department will be confirming that one of these days.
!
Valerie
Strummer, too, of course.
!
Buzz
But like what can he really do?
!
Valerie
He’ll find things. I don’t know what . . . inconsistencies, irregularities.
!
Buzz
Hey, come on, you run a tight ship.
!
Valerie
I can’t keep you on a tight leash. The thing is, any investigator with a motive can find
cockups in any organization. If he’s really good he can cause them. And Strummer is

56. !56
good, and he certainly has a motive.
!
!
Buzz
You mean like we sort of conned him?
!
Valerie
Exactly, and probably made him look silly, which can be the worst thing of all in
Washington.
!
Buzz
Yeah, well, let’s hope for the best....You know Gumpston said somethin’ interesting. He
said when Hoopentacker travels, he likes to have “attractive people” around him.
!
Valerie
“Attractive people?” Hmm. Odd thing to say.
!
!
Buzz
Yeah. He said he’ll clarify when things are firmer.
!
Valerie
OK. Now look, my broker will wire the money this afternoon to our account. Tomorrow,
get the Kroner and give it to that beastly girl. And remember, behave yourself.
!
Buzz
Hey, come on, now. You’re making me out like I’m some kind of predator or danger on
the streets, you know what I’m saying?
!
Valerie
Aren’t you?
!
Buzz
You know better than that!
!
Valerie
Then why are we in this mess?
!
Buzz
Because, OK, maybe once I made a little slip. Maybe I got a little too carried away and
got kinda friendly with someone for a minute or two.
!
Valerie

57. !57
Once! That was just when a photographer caught you--the tip of the iceberg. You know
her maid’s first name, for lord’s sake. You don’t learn that from one walk in Tivoli.
!
Buzz
Hey, I have to call her house--to talk to Kirsten about meetings and stuff, or sometimes to
talk to her dad. On the days Greta is there, she answers. I’m a friendly guy. I ask her
name. That’s the way I am. Can I help it?
!
Valerie
Don’t add insult to injury, Buzz.
!
Buzz
Well, OK, OK, maybe I’m having a flirtation with someone. What the hell is that to
you?
!
Valerie
What is it to me!!? Shall we talk professionally or personally. It hurts both ways.
!
Buzz
Whichever you like?
!
Valerie
Well, professionally, it could cause a scandal. The American ambassador’s spouse having
it off in public with a minister’s daughter. Washington won’t find that very amusing.
!
Buzz
OK, OK, I was dumb. I was careless. It won’t happen again.
!
Valerie
You mean you’ll still have your affair, but you’ll use better judgment about it.
!
Buzz
No. I mean I’m ain’t havin’ no affair, and I’ll use better judgment about it.
!
Valerie
But there’s more. There’s the personal side: Buzz, you are my husband, and ambassador
or not, no woman likes being cheated on.
!
Buzz
Hey, now, whoa, whoa. Stop right there! I’m your husband because the government
thought it would be neat to have us both here in embassy jobs, and you didn’t want to
argue about it and risk losing your appointment. Remember you were asking for a
divorce every time there was a lull in the conversation.

58. !58
!
Valerie
Well, maybe I didn’t really mean it. Did you ever think of that?
!
Buzz
Yeah, I did, but you gotta admit a funny way to say “I love you.” What’s hurt now is
your ego. If I swore I’d never look at anyone for the rest of my life, can you tell me you
wouldn't ask for a divorce the minute we got out of here?
(Silence for a moment)
!
Valerie
OK, we’ve both got work to do. Get the money and get the jacket and be careful.
(Buzz exits.)
Ego!....Well, maybe....No, no, I wouldn't. Buzz, no....Oh, where the hell is he?
!
!
End scene
!

59. !59
!
Scene 4
!
Buzz
Hey, Val, godmorgen. Guess what I just heard from Gumpston...They’ll be here
tomorrow, Hoopentacker and company. You heard anything from the State Department?
!
Valerie
A message just in. It says a committee definitely is being formed to investigate propriety
in government and may have an overseas element.
!
Buzz
Hey, that’s good; those guys are improving. Well, the delegation arrives on a United
flight at 1:05 in the afternoon. Hoopentacker don’t want to stay at the ambassador’s
residence. He wants to stay in a hotel.
!
Valerie
Good.
!
Buzz
He says he can work closer with his staff that way.
!
Valerie
He’s right.
!
Buzz
Excuse my ignorance but who's the boss here, Strummer or Hoopentacker?
!
Valerie
Hoopentacker, but Strummer is staff director, day-to-day honcho. Powerful, dangerous.
Building credits to become Attorney General next year. He will kill before he'll let
anything go seriously wrong with this investigation.
!
Buzz
So how can we make somethin' go wrong?
!
Valerie
I wish I knew. I feel like a rabbit in a python's cage.
!
Buzz
We'll think of something. Oh, one more thing about Hoopentaker, the day he arrives he
wants to have somethin’ he calls “staff time” until our reception for him at seven.
!

60. !60
Valerie
That means lying on his butt. (Snorts) “Staff time”!! Why is everyone in the government
so afraid to say they rest?
!
Buzz
I ain’t so sure rest is all he got in mind.
!
Valerie
Oh, go on.
!
Buzz
Gumpston talked a little more about “attractive people.”
!
Valerie
Ohhh. I think I’m beginning to understand. When would he like to meet an . . . attractive
person?
!
Buzz
Not just one attractive person. Gumpston thought two would make a better welcoming
committee, at about three o’clock.
!
Valerie
Alright, well, I think I’ll leave you in charge of this one, Buzz. It seems right up your
alley. Talk to the boys on the third floor. I’m sure they have the right contacts.
!
Buzz
OK, no problem. Two good-lookers comin’ up.
!
Valerie
By the way, who is supposed to pay for this? Copenhagen is a very expensive city,
especially for personal services.
!
Buzz
Oh, yeah. According to Gumpston, Strummer says you gotta take it out of your personal
contingency fund. Call it something like entertaining community leaders durin’ the
senator’s visit. Oh, and don’t say nuttin about that to the Senator.
!
Valerie
Oh, never, not to the distinguished fornicator from Illinois. I wonder who he thinks is
arranging all this, the tooth fairy.
!
Buzz
Guys like him don’t worry about that stuff. It gets done for ‘em. They never know

61. !61
who….Hey, you know what? I think I got the germ of an idea.
!
Valerie
Oh, really. Some way to vaporize Hoopentacker, I hope.
!
!
Buzz
Yeah, I think so. I got the idea from a spy movie I saw once. I’ll float it past Joe and his
shady crew on the third floor. If it looks like we can pull it off, I’ll tell you all about it.
!
Buzz, tell me right now.
Valerie
!
Buzz
No. I’m afraid you’ll laugh.
!
Valerie
Oh, alright, do it your way. But don’t you dare do anything, and I mean anything, until
you have cleared it with me, and that goes for Joe, too.
!
Buzz
Don’t worry, I won’t; neither will Joe. I’ll tell him if he slips up, he’ll end up in central
Nebraska watching for space aliens.
(Buzz exits.)
!
!
End Scene
!

62. !62
!
!
!
Scene 5
(Late the next afternoon)
Buzz
(Bursting into Valerie's office)
Hey, Val, what's happenin'
(Valerie is startled)
!
Valerie
I wish you’d knock. I met them at the airport and took them to their hotel. And you have
made a small ripple in Senate circles. You should be proud of yourself.
!
Buzz
Me?
!
Valerie
Well, you're still anonymous--the man in the jacket--but I'm not sure that can last long.
!
Buzz
How the hell do they know anything about that?
!
Valerie
Well, getting your picture in a metropolitan newspaper, darling, could have something to
do with it.
!
Buzz
You're tellin' me they're readin' Danish newspapers.
!
Valerie
Recent back issues, yes, to help them get some local background. Hoopentacker
recognized the jacket. He loved the one the President's domestic adviser gave him. And
then, with Strummer grinning from ear to ear, he asked me if that was you in the picture.
!
Buzz
Holy Mother, what did you tell him?
!
Valerie
I lied, of course. "Oh, ha, ha, ha, no, no, not my Buzzer, oh, no"....I said, you brought
some jackets with you to give to sports contacts. "Oh, and they love them," I said, lying
in my teeth and damning your eyes.
!

63. !63
Buzz
Do you think they believed you?
!
!
Valerie
Hoopentaker, probably. Frankly, I don't think he gives a damn. He just asked where
Tivoli Park was. But Strummer may smell a rat. He said he wanted to talk to you very
soon about your work here. That ought to be fun.
!
Buzz
Oh, well, I can handle that.
!
Valerie
Oh, really? I wish I was that confident. Anyway, if your plans work out we won’t have to
worry. But what is happening? Why haven’t we heard anything? Buzz, call Joe and see
if he knows anything.
!
Buzz
Yeah, OK. (He dials.) Hey, Joe, this is Buzz. What’s goin’ on? Why haven’t we had an
explosion yet? Did you do your stuff or what?…Oh yeah. Well, listen…
(Here, Strummer breaks into Valerie’s
office.)
!
Strummer
Alright, lady, what the hell kind of show are you running here, dammit!!
!
Valerie
Leon, what in the world…
!
Strummer
Who’s he (referring to Buzz)?
!
Valerie
This is Buzz, my husband. Buzz, this…
!
Strummer
(To Valerie) Get him out of here. (To Buzz) Scram. (To Valerie) We got to do something
very fast.
!
Buzz
Hey, Val, who is this creep? Is this that Strummer character?
!

64. !64
Valerie
Yes. Uh, could you leave us for a little while, darling?
!
Buzz
Yeah, if you want. You gonna be OK with this guy?
!
Valerie
Yes, I will.
!
Strummer
And close the door.
!
Valerie
Leon, that’s enough orders for the moment. This is my office. Now, what’s the problem?
!
Strummer
It’s a damn serious problem with the delegation, and you’re going to have to move your
butt pretty fast to fix it, lady.
!
Valerie
Leon, I do not like that tone. Now, I suggest that you calm down and start making sense.
!
Strummer
Staff time! Remember that? Well, the Senator was having a little staff time like I told
you he would.
!
Valerie
I remember.
!
Strummer
And he had some people in his suite.
!
Valerie
Staff members, I presume
!
Strummer
No, Danes.
!
Valerie
Oh! My, he does make friends quickly, doesn’t he?
!
Now, look, dammit, they were women.
Strummer

65. !65
!
Valerie
Oh, were they friends of the family?
!
Strummer
No, not goddamn friends of the family! Didn’t you arrange for them to be there?
!
Valerie
Of course not, Leon. What an odd idea.
!
Strummer
Well, someone in this embassy did.
!
Valerie
Well, Leon, what is the problem?
!
Strummer
Look, Valerie, they were not appropriately dressed for official duty, let’s say.
!
Valerie
Oh, well, staff time is a relaxed occasion, isn’t it?
!
Strummer
Not that relaxed, goddammit. Then this goddamned, son of a …
!
Valerie
Leon, stop that language!
!
Strummer
This god…This photographer pops in unannounced and starts taking pictures.
!
Valerie
Oh, dear, I think I’m beginning to see the dimensions of this.
!
Strummer
Well, it’s about time.
!
Valerie
Don’t be rude, Leon. I’m trying to help. Now, tell me, were the Senator and his friends,
uh, significantly undressed, would you say?
!
Strummer
They were about as significantly undressed as you can get?

66. !66
!
Valerie
All of them!? Well, well, staff time certainly sounds exciting among the propriety in
government crowd…Why did you wait so long to tell me?
!
Strummer
Nobody told me. Hoopentacker’s people are more clannish than the Kennedys. They
circled the wagons and sucked their thumbs for over an hour. Then they finally decided
they better tell me so I could do something.
!
Valerie
What will you do?
!
Strummer
I’m not going to do anything; you are.
!
Valerie
I admire your command voice, Leon. Alright, now look, did the photographer say
anything?
!
Strummer
Of course, he goddamned did, he…
!
Valerie
Leon!! Language!!
!
Strummer
He said he wanted fifty thousand dollars.
!
Valerie
FIFTY THOUSAND!!!!
!
Strummer
Yeah, and he left his card.
!
Valerie
Well, suppose you tell him just to buzz off.
!
Strummer
Then he goes to every TV station and newspaper in town this afternoon.
!
Valerie
Well, Leon, this is a terrible mess, but I certainly don’t have fifty thousand anywhere in

67. !67
my budget.
!
Strummer
Oh, come on, you’ve got to have money around here somewhere. Cut something. Fire
somebody. This is damned important. This is a United States Senate Commission, after
all—the greatest power in the world. We’re not going to be pushed around by some
raggedy-assed…
!
Valerie
Yes, yes, don’t lecture me, Leon.
!
Strummer
Well, dammit, you’ve got a duty to democracy to do something.
!
Valerie
And please don’t take a high moral tone, especially under the circumstances. Give me
the man’s card…Hmm, don’t recognize his name; maybe my press attaché will. Just a
moment.
(She goes to Linda’s office, any designated
area of the stage, where Buzz waits.)
!
(To Buzz)
Look, I’m going to place a call to my press attaché—that’s you. Your name is Sam.
!
Buzz
OK. Hey, before you go back, maybe you want to see these. They’re the photos. One of
Joe’s guys just dropped ‘em off. Enjoy.
!
Valerie
(Self-righteously)
I don’t want to see them.
(Then she snatches the envelope. Hesitates,
then opens it.)
My God, Very athletic, isn’t he?… It’s hard to know if you have some of these right
side up or not….Well, I better get back to Strummer.
(She returns to her office.)
!
Strummer
Where the hell did you go, back to Washington for instructions?
!
Valerie
Leon!! I don’t like that language or that tone. You’ve gotten even ruder over the years,
darling.

68. !68
!
Strummer
What is happening?
!
Valerie
My press man was out of his office. They are tracking him down. I told them to have
him call me at once.
(Buzz picks up his phone and listens.)
!
Strummer
Well, let me tell you something, he’d better…
(Phone rings.)
!
Valerie
Oh, yes, put him on.
(It is Buzz, whom we can see)
Sam, I asked Buzz a moment ago to fill you in on the Hoopentaker crisis. I hope
you’re up to speed on it.
!
Buzz
Oh, yes ma’am. This is one terrible international crisis that could shake civilization. No
doubt of that.
!
Valerie
Alright, now look. I intend to call that despicable photographer. Do you have any
thoughts about how to approach him?
!
Buzz
Yeah, from the back. Grab him by the crotch and tell him you love him.
!
Valerie
Thank you, Sam, that’s helpful. Look, get him on the line, will you?
!
Buzz
Yeah, yeah, sure thing. I’ll get right on that.
!
Valerie
(Phone rings.)
Yes…Hi, Sam…Is he on?…Good., stay on line two, Sam....Hello, Herr Johansen, this is
Ambassador Butts about the business at the hotel. Now, look, your demands are
absolutely ridiculous. We are not going to give in to blackmail.
!

69. !69
Buzz
Oh, yeah! Well, then I’m going to put his face, and his butt, in every newspaper in town,
some of which you wouldn’t housetrain your dog on.
!
Valerie
Now settle down. There’s no need to threaten.
!
Buzz
Hey, you’re cute when you’re angry, you know that?
!
Valerie
And don’t be a smart-Alec with me. I could call the police about this.
!
Buzz
Oh yeah, and Hoopentacker would be a porn star by tomorrow evening.
!
Valerie
Alright, alright, you’ve got us in a tight spot, but talk reason.
!
Buzz
Hey, I’m tryin’, but you know sometimes that can be hard for me.
!
Valerie
Sam, are you there?
!
Buzz
(Changing his voice)
No, actually I’m out walkin’ the dog.
!
Valerie
Good. What do you think?
!
Buzz
I think Hoopentacker’s a sleaze bag what ought to keep his pants zipped.
!
Valerie
I see. That’s interesting. Well, suppose the delegation left town. Wouldn’t that pretty
well deflate this thing?
!
That would be Christmas come early.
!
Buzz

70. !70
Valerie
Look, Herr Johansen, I want you to talk to Sam. He’s got some thoughts about this that I
think are pretty good. Sam, please talk to Johansen on line one. (To Strummer) Leon, as
you know, we have a real problem here.
!
Strummer
No, you’ve got a problem, lady, and I want it fixed.
!
Valerie
Wrong, Leon. You and Hoopentacker have a problem. It was caused by his preposterous
behavior overseas and your totally inadequate security precautions. Now, I think I can fix
things, but you won’t like everything you’ll have to do.
!
Strummer
What things?
!
Valerie
First of all, the delegation must get out of town tonight.
!
Strummer
What!!!? Are you completely out of your mind?
!
Valerie
No, Leon, I’m not. With Hoopentacker here, that guy can sell those photos for top dollar
to TV stations, newspapers, and magazines all over town. He figures there’s a good 100
thousand in it by tomorrow morning. (To Buzz) Sam, are you there? Put Mr. Johansen on
hold for a moment. Okay, now, look, I told Mr. Strummer that this photographer can
make at least100 thousand dollars if they stay. Is that right?
!
Buzz
Oh you bet. That is a very accurate estimation.
!
Valerie
How little can we get away with if they leave?
!
Buzz
Hey, you are askin’ me some real tough questions today, you know that. But what I want
to know is—is Strummer screwed, I mean really super-screwed?
!
Valerie
I think so. OK, thanks, Sam. Stay on the line. (To Strummer) Leon, it’s going to cost
you 25-thousand dollars, and you have to go.
!

71. !71
Strummer
Are you completely out of your mind? That’s totally outrageous!
!
Valerie
On the contrary, darling, considering the mess you all have made, it is an amazing
bargain.
!
Strummer
God Almighty, I wish someone would explain to me why the world’s only superpower
has to take this crap from some local jerk. Don’t you have someone who can take care of
him?
!
Valerie
What on earth do you mean?
!
Strummer
I mean zap him.
!
Valerie
(Shocked)
Leon!!! Not in Scandinavia!
!
Strummer
If we leave what the hell are we going to say back home?
!
Valerie
Oh, that’s easy—prominent member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee urgently
called home to help deal with some crisis—say, the Middle East, there’s always a crisis
there.
!
Strummer
So he’s really got us by the short hairs. Damn him! Well, Ok, pay the man.
!
Valerie
Me? Oh no, Leon. I have no funds for that. You know how Congress is starving
diplomatic missions. If it doesn’t come out of Senate funds, Hoopentacker’s bottom will
soon be more famous than his face…Now, just a minute, I’ll ask Sam how you should
send the money. Sam, how should Mr. Strummer get the 25-thousand to the
photographer.
!
Huh? Do what? How the hell do I know?
!
Buzz

72. !72
Valerie
Sam says wire it to the embassy this afternoon…Now, darling, there’s one more thing.
Sam had to promise this guy a year of graduate work in photojournalism at Columbia.
!
Strummer
Oh, for Christ’s sake, what kind of a con is this? Whose side are you on anyway?
!
Valerie
Leon, for heaven’s sake, relax. It’s a very small price to pay to get this guy to be
reasonable. Put a good spin on it. Call it the Hoopentacker Scholarship in Public Affairs.
Now, look, I’m sorry, Leon, but I must get cracking. I need to cancel tonight’s reception
and get started on a press release about Hoopentacker.
!
Strummer
I want to see that before it goes out.
!
Valerie
No, no, Leon, there won’t be time for approvals; you’ll have to trust us. Oh, I am sorry
about all this, but cheer up, Leon; you’ll still be a successful lawyer. Still, I wish you
could have hung around. Buzz would have taken you to Tivoli, he knows it like the palm
of his hand....Well, bye, bye, darling.
!
Strummer
Shit!!
(He exits.)
!
!
!
!
Buzz
(Hangs up his phone and enters Valerie’s
office)
You played the part beautifully.
!
Valerie
Thank you, darling. So did you.
!
Buzz
Oh, hey, we’ve got to cancel that reception.
!
No, not really.
!
Valerie

73. !73
Buzz
You’re going to hold it?
!
Valerie
No, no. I never planned it once I heard your brilliant scheme.
!
Buzz
Mother of the Lord, you never arranged no reception?
!
Valerie
No, never.
!
Buzz
Amazing. You must have iron gonies. Well, we better get crackin’ on those press releases.
!
Valerie
Oh, they’ve all been distributed already. What we need to do now is the bookkeeping.
!
Buzz
The releases are out!! You’re kidding me.
!
Valerie
The media folks should be reading them right about now. So, let’s get to the numbers.
!
Buzz
Well, we owe seven and half thousand to Greta what’s-her-name.
!
The witch!
Valerie
!
Buzz
Listen, I got an idea. You remember you were worried somebody should find out you
paid that seven and a half thou, and they might wonder why.
!
Valerie
Yes, it’s still possible in some damn investigation or other.
!
Buzz
Well, when I meet Greta the Bad down in the park, I’ll have her give me a receipt for
caterin' services. It’s not her fault the reception was called off.
!
Catering?
Valerie

74. !74
!
Buzz
Hey, she’s in the food-servin’ business, ain’t she?
!
Valerie
(There is a slight pause while Valerie takes
this in.)
Very nice, Buzz, very nice indeed! You’ll make a first-class diplomat yet.
!
Buzz
Yeah, I think I’m gettin’ the hang of it….And we owe two grand for the women from the
escort service.
!
Valerie
Two thousand!!
!
Buzz
Well, you saw the kind of skills they got. Then, there’s five hundred for the
photographer.
!
Valerie
That makes ten even.
!
Buzz
Yeah.
!
Valerie
So when Strummer sends his twenty-five we will end up with fifteen thousand to the
good. Great! We can use that to improve contacts with Danes.
!
Yeah, darn good idea.
Buzz
!
Valerie
Not you, my friend, you don’t need any help.
!
Buzz
Hey, you know somethin’, we’re heroes. We found a way to get Congress finally to
support diplomacy instead of just the military.
!
Valerie
That’s right, we did, even cultural exchanges; remember the Hoopentacker scholarship. I
didn’t think they’d ever see the importance of cultural exchanges.

75. !75
!
Buzz
Yeah. You know, we really done a whale of a service to our country.
!
Valerie
I must say, you have hidden qualities I could never have suspected.
!
Buzz
Thank you. Would you like me to be your private study project?
!
Valerie
Well, I just might, especially for rainy weekends and cold winter evenings. But now do
you know what I think we should do?
!
Buzz
(Warily)
No, but let’s keep it simple, OK?
!
!
Valerie
Summer is so short up here, I think we should take a really long week-end and go on a
nice Baltic cruise, sort of for old time’s sake.
!
Buzz
Hey, darned good idea. Heck, we earned it. It'll be sort of a second honeymoon.
!
Valerie
Exactly.
!
Buzz
And we can plan the divorce.
!
Valerie
Well, we"ll see. We may have a pretty full program without that.
!
!
Buzz
Oh yeah? Good! Just remember I ain't quite as fit as Hoopentacker.
!
!
!
Curtain