This document summarizes research on how children are affected by discovering parental infidelity even if their parents did not divorce. It discusses factors such as how children learn about the infidelity, the attributions they make for why it occurred, consequences they experience, and their ability to forgive the unfaithful parent. The research presented examines how a lack of parental support and child control over private information influences perceptions and well-being. It also explores how children develop rules to manage discussing the infidelity within the family.

1. Dr. Allison R. Thorson, Department of Communication Studies
University of San Francisco – March 5, 2011
Kids’ Turn Asilomar Retreat, Pacific Grove CA

2. General information on divorce and infidelity
The Research
◦ Discovery of Infidelity
Inappropriate Parental Divorce Disclosures
◦ Privacy Management of Parental Infidelity
◦ Attributions for Parental Infidelity
◦ Consequences of Learning about Parental Infidelity
◦ Forgiveness of Parent for Engaging in Infidelity

3. Occurs regularly
Viewed as a violation to a social norm
Generally detrimental to the relationship and the
individuals who discover it

4. Relationship Change
Afifi (W), Falato, and Forgiveness
Weiner’s (2001)
7
unsolicited third party 6
discovery
‘red handed’ discovery 5
solicited partner discovery4
and unsolicited partner
discovery 3
2
*see Afifi et al., 2001, for actual
measurement scaling.
1
Unsolicit. Solicited ‘Red Unsolicit.
Partner Partner Handed’ 3rd Party

5. Thorson (2007) Relationship
7 Satisfaction
Direct (none of the groups were
Indirect 6
significantly different)
5
Thorson (2008 & under
review) 4
from a family member 3
explicit discovery
discovery from the parent 2
who cheated
1
incremental discovery
third party discovery Parent Family Explicit Incremental 3rd
Member Party

6. Lack of Lack of
Support Control
Parent’s
Percep. of Parent’s
Inappropriate Well-being
Disclosure
Child’s
Perception of Child’s
Parent’s Well-being
Disclosure
Afifi (T), McManus, Hutchinson, & Baker (2007)

7. When a parent does not
Lack of Lack of
have support or control Support Control
they are more likely to
disclose inappropriate
things to their child.
Parent’s
Percep. of Parent’s
Inappropriate Well-being
Disclosure
Child’s
Perception of Child’s
Parent’s Well-being
Disclosure
Afifi (T), McManus, Hutchinson, & Baker (2007)

8. Lack of support and
Lack of Lack of control also influence a
Support Control parent’s well-being
negatively.
Parent’s
Percep. of Parent’s
Inappropriate Well-being
Disclosure
Child’s
Perception of Child’s
Parent’s Well-being
Disclosure
Afifi (T), McManus, Hutchinson, & Baker (2007)

9. Lack of Lack of
Support Control
There is a positive correlation
between a parent’s perception Parent’s
of inappropriate disclosure and Percep. of Parent’s
child’s perception of a parent’s Inappropriate Well-being
Disclosure
disclosure. What does this
means? When parent’s think “I
shouldn’t have said that”, kids
agree with them – they feel the
same way. Child’s
Perception of Child’s
Parent’s Well-being
Disclosure
Afifi (T), McManus, Hutchinson, & Baker (2007)

10. Lack of Lack of
Support Control
There is a positive
correlation between
a parent’s well-being
and a child’s well-
Parent’s
Percep. of Parent’s being. What does
Inappropriate Well-being this means? When
Disclosure parent’s are hurting
so are their kids, and
vice versa.
Child’s
Perception of Child’s
Parent’s Well-being
Disclosure
Afifi (T), McManus, Hutchinson, & Baker (2007)

11. Lack of Lack of
Support Control
Parent’s
Percep. of Parent’s
Inappropriate Well-being
Disclosure
Last, when a child perceives
they are learning inappropriate Child’s
Perception of Child’s
things about their parents’ Parent’s Well-being
divorce it effects their well- Disclosure
being negatively.
Afifi (T), McManus, Hutchinson, & Baker (2007)

12. Lack of Lack of
Support Control
Parent’s
Percep. of Parent’s
Inappropriate Well-being
Disclosure
Child’s
Perception of Child’s
Parent’s Well-being
Disclosure
Afifi (T), McManus, Hutchinson, & Baker (2007)

13. Some additional factors that influence child well-
being
◦ Talk about stressful events
◦ Attributions / Sense-making
◦ Related Consequences / Feeling caught
◦ Forgiveness

14. Thorson (2009): Families (Adult Children) formed
rules to determine why, to whom, when they could
discuss this
◦ Protection rules
◦ Access rules

15. Thorson (2009): Families (Adult Children) formed
rules to determine why, to whom, when they could
discuss this
◦ Protection rules
Internal rules (Maintenance; Culture)
External rule (Protection from Outside scrutiny)
◦ Access rules

16. Protection rule: (maintenance example)
“When we (me and my sister) got home we put my little
brother to bed. My mom didn’t come home with us. We put
my little brother to bed and told him, you know ‘she’s
asleep, she’s not with us, she’s asleep, don’t worry about it.
I’ll wake you up in the morning so you can go to school’.
And when my dad called that night we did that same thing,
‘she’s in bed, she’s asleep, there’s no way waking her up’.
So we just kind of covered up for her.” (“Crissy”: 253-257)

17. Thorson (2009): Families (Adult Children) formed
rules to determine why, to whom, when they could
discuss this
◦ Protection rules
◦ Access rules
Internal rules (Context, Sex, Age, Physical Environment,
Code terms)

18. Access rule:
“It would come, and it still kind of does sometimes, like if we
watch a movie with cheating or somebody doing something
like that. You know my mom will kind of look through my dad
and maybe make a comment, you know, more towards me, of
like, I’d be like ‘dang that’s messed up,’ she’s like, ‘yeah that
is horrible. Can you imagine living through that? Can you
imagine dealing with that,’ you know. And then my dad will
turn and be like, ‘oh honey,’ and she’ll be like, ‘don’t touch
me’.” (“Erica” 519-524)

20. Thorson (2011): The way we make sense of things
(why it happened / occurred matters)
External forces OR Internal forces
Uncontrollable OR Controllable
Stable OR Unstable

21. Thorson (2011): The way we make sense of things
(why it happened / occurred matters)
External forces OR Internal forces
Negatively (-) Positively (+)
Uncontrollable OR Controllable valenced
valenced
Stable OR Unstable

22. Account Underlying Attributional Dimension(s)
Dysfunction/Deficiency Internal & External locus of control, Stable, and
Uncontrollable
Justifications/Excuses Unstable and Uncontrollable
Restoring Credibility/Character Unstable and Uncontrollable
Blame
‘offending’ parent blame Internal locus of control
‘faithful’ parent blame External locus of control
Denial of Parent Involvement External locus of control

23. Inability to produce an account or attribution often
stifles one’s ability to communicate about events
(associated with greater distress and rumination)

25. Thorson (2007 & in progress): What consequences,
if any, do children experience after becoming
aware of their parents’ infidelity?

26. What consequences, if any, do children experience
after becoming aware of their parents’ infidelity?
◦ Structural changes in the ◦ Revenge
family
◦ Address terms
◦ Stress / intense emotions
◦ Withholding responses
◦ Dilemmas (feeling caught;
3 types)
Interdependence
Dishonesty
Reluctant informant
dilemmas

28. Thorson (2010 & in progress): What is the process
by which we forgive our family members for
engaging in infidelity?

29. Established model of how forgiveness occurs
among couples experiencing infidelity:
Apology Empathy Forgiveness

30. When bringing in literature from communication:
Rel.
Apology Empathy Forgiveness Satisfaction
Forgiveness Forgiveness
Seeking Attributions Granting Well-being

31. Rel.
Apology Empathy Forgiveness Satisfaction
Forgiveness Forgiveness
Seeking Attributions Granting

32. Complete apologies resulted in positively biased
attributions (external locus of control,
uncontrollable, and unstable)
The addition of communication focused forgiveness
variables were useful
The addition of attributions in this study add to our
understanding of forgiveness

35. General information on divorce and infidelity
The Research
◦ Discovery of Infidelity
Inappropriate Parental Divorce Disclosures
◦ Privacy Management of Parental Infidelity
◦ Attributions for Parental Infidelity
◦ Consequences of Learning about Parental Infidelity
◦ Forgiveness of Parent for Engaging in Infidelity

36. Dr. Allison R. Thorson, Department of Communication Studies
University of San Francisco – March 5, 2011
Kids’ Turn Asilomar Retreat, Pacific Grove CA

38. Afifi, W. A., Falato, W. L., & Weiner, J. L. (2001). Identity concerns following a severe
relational transgression: The role of discovery method for the relational outcomes of
infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18, 291-308.
Afifi, T. D., McManus, T., Hutchinson, S., & Baker, B. (2007). Inappropriate parental divorce
disclosures, the factors that prompt them, and their impact on parents’ and adolescents’
well-being. Communication Monographs, 74(1), p. 78 – 102.
Thorson, A. R. (2009). Adult children’s experiences with their parent’s infidelity:
Communicative protection and access rules in the absence of divorce, Communication
Studies, 60(1), 32-48. doi: 10.1080/10510970802623591
Thorson, A. R. (2007, November). Attributions of parents’ infidelity: Adult children’s
experiences. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the National Communication
Association, Chicago, IL.
Thorson, A. R. (in progress). Communicative pathways to forgiveness: Investigating adult
children’s experiences with parental infidelity.
Thorson, A. R. (under review). I heard it through the grapevine: Cheating and the influence
of discovery method on parent-adult child relational outcomes.
Thorson, A. R. (2008, February). Exploring the dimensions of adult children’s attributions
for their parent’s infidelity: Creating and validating the attributions for parental infidelity
scale using mixed methods. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the Western
States Communication Association, Denver/Boulder, CO.

39. Thorson, A. R. (2011). Parental infidelity: Adult children’s accounts and attributions for
their parents’ extramarital relationships. In L. M. Webb & F. C. Dickson (Eds.),
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Hampton Press. [invited chapter, anticipated publication November 2010]
Thorson, A. R. (2007, March). Privacy management beyond the dyad: Children’s discovery
and consequences experienced upon learning of infidelity in their non-divorced parents’
relationship. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the Central States
Communication Association, Minneapolis, MN.
Thorson, A. R. (in progress). Privacy management beyond the dyad: Consequences
experienced by children upon learning of infidelity in their non-divorced parents’
relationship.
Thorson, A. R. (2008, November). The influence of discovery method on relational
outcomes: A study of parental infidelity. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the
National Communication Association, San Diego, CA. [Top Four Student Paper presented
to the Family Communication Division]

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