1. THE NEVER-ENDING CRISIS
OF DIVORCE
PreparedandPresentedBy
GlenChristie,MS,EdS,ThD,CASAC
FaithBibleCollege
CrisisCounselingII

2. Several factors
contribute to
divorce, often times
even a combination
of factors. The best
way to avoid
divorce is to avoid
the situations that
lead to it. This list is
not in a particular
order, as every
couple is unique.

3. It takes 2 people to
communicate; there is a
speaker, and a listener. If
one person is dominating
the conversation by
yelling and calling names,
it makes it hard for the
other to listen. If one
person is leaving the room
slamming the door behind
them, it makes it hard for
the other person to speak,
and be heard. Bad
communication can cause
misunderstandings,
conflict and stops couples
from opening up to one
another accurately.
BAD
COMMUNICATION

4. Cheating on a spouse or breaking a
promise to be faithful can take many
forms.
• Making sure each partner is clear on
the others physical and mental
boundaries help a person to make
wise decisions about fidelity. As
unthinkable and painful as infidelity
is, it is very common. After a thorny
experience a married couple only
has 2 options regarding infidelity.
• The first, to forgive and forget (obviously much easier said than done).
The second is to go your separate ways. A relationship with an
unfaithful partner cannot move forward without complete
forgiveness. If completely forgiving the unfaithful for their deed is
impossible, a divorce is inevitable. It doesn't matter who is involved, for
how long and why, because infidelity causes pain and suffering to
parties involved. Some marriages are able to survive infidelity but many
don't, which is why it is known as one of the leading causes of divorce.
INFIDELITY

5. A marriage is a lifelong business
agreement. People’s love for money
is a cause for arguments, and even
legal action. If one person is
spending money without letting
their partner know, spending money
carelessly, or failing to buy certain
things- couples are more prone to
argue. Other money problems may
arise from less controllable
circumstances, such as losing a job.
What it boils down to is that couples
who successfully manage their
finances are less likely to suffer a
divorce.
MONEYMANAGEMENT

6. Sadly, drugs and alcohol are ever present in society. If you love an addict you
know how terribly it affects a relationship. At the beginning it may seem
harmless, a few drinks or sampling a drug. An addiction may come about
from a need to consume a prescription, and then becoming dependent.
Whatever the case, while one person is suffering from the disease, the other
is suffering from unacceptable behaviors. The often co-dependent spouse is
dealing with lying, stealing, taking care of a sick spouse, infidelity, being
called at 2 in the morning by the police or hospital, and generally receiving
the brunt of any situation. There are many things a person can be addicted
to such as; shopping, sex addiction, internet porn, gaming etc., all equaling
an immense amount of suffering for a marriage. Because all illnesses are
progressive, the best path is rehabilitation and/or counseling. I’m sorry to
disappoint, but many addicts will not get help with the threat of divorce. The
best bet might be to get a legal separation. However, if children are
involved, divorce may be the only option due to
ADDICTIONS

7. The exact definition of this
phenomenon varies from person to
person but in men it usually means a
desire to change job, location and/or
lifestyle. A person feels like their life is
getting to the point where they need
a new challenge. And it's possible
they may but such an abrupt and
seemingly selfish determination can
have a big impact on their partner.
Massive change may be scary or
unnecessary to the spouse. The
turmoil from this new lust for life can
be the cause of a divorce among
couples who have been married for
many, many years. Don’t be afraid to
make a change and grow with your
partner. Let him have his Porsche (he
was just barely able to afford it)
MID-LIFE CRISIS

8. A couple with different opinions
about sex can bring them to the
breaking point. If one partner
considers the others desires dirty
or wrong, it causes serious
trouble. Also likely to fail are
couples where a partner is unable
or unwilling to try something
new. Not surprisingly, males
report a generally high desire to
engage in sexual activity vs.
women. The most common
reasons for people not wanting
to engage in sexual activity are
feelings of stress, anger, or plain
being tired. Interestingly, many
engage even when they have no
desire, and some report being
more motivated after saddling up
for the ride.
SEXUAL
DISCREPANCIES

9. We all know couples that their
marriage lasted less than a year, and
chances are they were incompatible
the whole time. There are also divorces
that come about because they grew
apart and cease to interest the other
party. If you are in a relationship and
expecting the person you are with to
“shape up,” don’t hold your breath.
When a young man is irresponsible and
unwilling to work before marriage, the
chances are extremely good that he'll
continue the same pattern of behavior
after marriage. In the same way the
young lady who has shown no sense of
personal responsibility before marriage
will likely also be unwilling to do her
part in containing the home after
marriage. Planning to change someone
is unlikely, regardless of how sincerely
they may want/ promise to change.
COUPLE
MISMATCH

10. • It takes two people to make
a successful relationship. If
both parties don’t give an
equal effort, a marriage will
surely fail. Both parties in a
relationship need to
commit, and this always
means making sacrifices for
what they both what.
Without a solid support for
the partnership from both
partners, divorce could very
well be a possibility.
COMMITMENT

11. Divorce:Top30 Factors
1. Courtship of less than two years
2. Having little in common
3. Marrying at 17 or younger
4. Differences in race, education, age, religion,
social class, values, and libido
5. Not being religiously devout
6. A cohabitation history with different partners
7. Previous marriage
8. No children
9. Limited education
10. Urban residence

12. Divorce:Top 30 Factors
11. Infidelity
12. Divorced parents
13. Poor communication skills
14. Unemployment of husband
15. Employment of wife
16. Mental or physical disability
17. Having seriously ill child
18. Low self-esteem of spouses
19. Being African American
20. Lack of commitment

13. Divorce:Top 30 Factors
21. Experiencing rape
22. Having premarital pregnancy or unwanted
child
23. Stepchildren
24. High debt or sudden loss of income
25. Experiencing violence or abuse
26. Having parents who never married
27. Marrying someone who has been divorced
28. Wife earns higher income than husband
29. Falling out of love
30. Bankruptcy

14. Micro Factors Contributingto Divorce
• Differences
• Falling Out of Love
• Limited Time Together
• Decrease in Positive Behavior
• Affair
• Lack of Conflict Resolution Skills
• Value Changes
• Satiation
• Perception that One Would Be Happier if
Divorced

15. Who Getsthe Children?
Factors determining custody
– Child’s age, maturity, sex, and activities,
including culture and religion
– Wishes of the child
– Each parent’s capacity to care for the child’s
emotional, intellectual, financial, and religious
needs
– Parents’ ability to agree, communicate, and
cooperate in matters relating to the child
– Nature of the child’s relationship to each
parent
– Protection for the child from physical or
psychological harm
– Past and present parental attitudes and
behaviors
– Proposed plan for caring for the child

16.  Less than 10% regularly attend church
 Marriage vows are seen as less binding
 Roman Catholics have recognized
divorce
 Some denominations allow divorcees
to remarry in church
 But…
 Some faiths (eg Greek Orthodox) do
not recognize remarriage
Secularization

17. Change in Role of Women
 Since 1970’s the majority of divorce
petitions have been initiated by
women
 More women now work and are
able to support themselves after
divorce
 Much less social stigma attached to
divorcees (since 1969 Act)

18. Cultural Changes
 Marriage was once to do with security
and companionship
 It is now more about romantic love
 This makes modern marriages more
fragile and can lead to “serial
monogamy”
 Higher expectations lead to greater
disillusionment and a demand for divorce
 The emotional emphasis of modern
relationships make them particularly fragile

19. An End to the Family?
 Almost 3 in 5 marriages can expect to
end in divorce
 About 3 in 10 children are born outside
marriage
 More and more people are choosing to
co-habit rather than marry
 There is a small but increasing group of
“elective singles” in Britain and the USA

20. StagesofDivorce
First stage of divorce is emotional divorce:
This begins during the marriage when one of both
spouses begin withholding emotion from their
relationship.
Second stage is legal divorce:
A legal contract of dissolution of marriage.
Third stage is economic divorce:
How they split up property and finances.
Co-parental divorce:
Indicates that parents are divorced from each other but
not from their children.
Community divorce:
Is characterized by loneliness, which may be caused by a
change in social status.

21.  Some married persons are threatened by the presence of a
divorced person, which may be a reflection of their own
insecurity.
 A friend may experience some anxiety or fear upon hearing
of an individual’s divorce.
 Friends may be experiencing the very same difficulties as
the divorcing couple, but not acknowledging it.
 Sometimes friends have fantasies and desires for a sexual
relationship with one of the partners.
CommunityDivorce

22.  Some of may have friends who experience pleasure
from the suffering and failure of others.
 Friends of the divorcing couple may experience some
degree of emotional loss and grief.
 Some friends may experience conflict over allegiances.
CommunityDivorce
The last stage, psychic divorce:
the person becomes autonomous - separate from the
influence, presence, and even from thoughts of the former
spouse.

23. OverlappingPhase
• The first overlapping phase of denial, starts long before
the stressors that push the marriage into crisis.
 The second phase, loss and depression, occurs when
the couple can no longer cope with their problems
together.
 The third anger and ambivalence occurs as the end
of the marriage becomes a reality.
 Fourth is reorientation of lifestyle and identity the
spouse spends more time regretting the and
experiencing anger.
With phase five comes acceptance and achievement of
a new level of functioning.

24. • You must be realistic, not give false hope when working
with the person being rejected.
 Do not attempt to answer legal questions.
 In the transitional process, one of the biggest steps
involved is letting go.
• One of the main concerns to look for in helping a
person is the amount of resentment and bitterness
that seems to be present.
• Few people are born with a natural ability to forgive.
 Part of a suggested procedures for learning to forgive is to
list all the resentments toward the person(s) you are
allowing to continue to limit your life.
Reconstituting The Family

25.  Many who marry again to start a new life, enter the
relationship with unresolved issues.
 When recovering from a lost marriage, the mourning of
the first must be completed.
 When planning a new marriage, each person needs to
come to terms with:
• The ability to sustain a close and lasting relationship
• Fixing their “picker” (unofficial)
• Fear of repeating the same mistakes and problems
 In the final stage of reconstituting the family, the primary
task is restructuring the roles.
Reconstituting The Family

26. The church has a duty to provide a thorough program of
individual premarital counseling for every couple seeking
marriage.
The church should also consider providing an annual
marital check-up for couples.
Pastors might set an example for the congregation by
continuing to court and date their own spouses.
Help people through teaching and preaching to learn to
apply the scriptures to their lives.
ChurchesRole

27. Conditionsof a “Successful” Divorce
• Mediate rather than litigate the divorce
• Co-parent with your ex-spouse
• Take some responsibility for the divorce
• Create positive thoughts
• Avoid alcohol and other drugs
• Engage in aerobic exercise
• Continue interpersonal connections
• Let go of the anger for your ex-partner
• Allow time to heal