A collection of humorous tweets about that strange globe called Earth.

2. FreeTweeter
A collection of tweets by Fredrik Hamer
2009 – 2011
First edition
Fredrikhamer©2011

3. A.
Actor Warren Beatty slept with almost 13.000 women, but no G-spot.
***
Actress Jessica Biel the most dangerous celebrity to search in cyberspace. Tell
me. My mom would kill me if she caught me.
***
A dream creates a temporary reality. Some people hear a big bang when they
wake up.
***
A fractal indicates a lack of creativity.
***
Alcohol more harmful than heroin, crack or cocaine, scientists claim. Amy
Winehouse wants a second opinion.
***
Adopted Man finds out his biological father is Charles Manson. Daddy is so proud.
He’s planning a surprise party for his son.
***
American students do poorly in science, report says. The Government is
considering re-opening Operation Paperclip.
***
America is great. Last month we went camping in California. We got free food
stamps everywhere.
***
Americans number one pot-smoking. Barrack Obama defends his own weed-time
by saying he thought he was smoking the peace pipe.
***
A video proves that Lady Gaga isn’t a man. I can’t wait for the video that proves
Lady Gaga is a lady.
***
A Pennsylvania woman claims Donald Duck grabbed her breast at the Walt Disney
World park. Donald says he was just counting the eggs.
***

4. Apple App Store reaches 10 billion downloads. That explains why my download
took 10 billion seconds.
***
Are spirits dreamers?
***
Arnold Schwarzenegger organized a garage sale to prevent California bankruptcy.
A garage sale by Playboy Hugh Hefner could save the nation.
***
Arsenal-manager Arsène Wenger: Premier League no longer a Scrooge McDuck
competition. Every team's a winner.
***
As Silvio Berlusconi awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself
transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect (Kafkaesque quote).
***
A 2m shot for Letterman because he slept with several women and a 12m shot
for Cleese because he slept with his own wife. Life isn’t fair.
***
A 24-year-old man claims he is Michael Jackson's biological son. That's five.
Michael was not only moon walking; he landed on Venus too.

5. B.
Baldness: new hair is so small that it appears virtually invisible to the naked eye.
No wonder I only can date girls with big eyeglasses.
***
Barack Obama adopts Dutch healthcare system. A clever way of Marijuana
decriminalization.
***
Barack Obama calls Kanye West a jackass. What a rapper’s delight to be offended
by the most powerful man in the world.
***
Barack Obama jokes about his falling approval ratings at correspondent’s dinner.
His predecessor invaded Iraq.
***
Barack Obama says he owes his presidency to a palm reader.
***
Belgian police recruits under prison inmates. If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. The
fire department has good experience with arsonists.
***
Big Brother winner accused of selling drugs. Jail feels like coming home for this
guy. Cameras everywhere.
***
Bizar. Buy a truck, get a free AK-47 in Sanford Florida. Now you never have to
stop at a pedestrian crossing.
***
Bob Geldof’s daughter Peaches says she had a near death experience. God just
wanted a signed photo.
***
Bono and Obama have met in Oval Office to discuss Africa. Now the U2 Lead
singer truly believes Africans originally came from Hawaii.
***
Brave new world: Tent City.
***

6. Brazilian woman dies twice. The first time she went to heaven; the second time to
hell. For cheating.
***
Broccoli may prevent strokes and heart attacks. A child’s dream: vegetables
available on prescription only.

7. C.
Chaos in Egypt. Even the mummies want to flee the country, but only
Transylvania wants to grant asylum to death people.
***
Climate plan splits U.S. and Europe. Meanwhile, God just can’t choose between
global warming and global cooling.
***
Company launches souvenir condoms to commemorate the marriage of prince
William and Kate Middleton. I'm my parents' wedding gift.

8. D.
Dancing with the stars finalist Bristol Palin says everyone hates her because of
her mother. I don't think that's fair to mom.
***
David Hasselhoff claims he wasn’t drunk last weekend; he had an ear infection. I
do believe him. Children and drunks always speak the truth.
***
David Letterman is so busy making fun about Jay Leno’s misery that the interns
want to sue him for sexual neglect.
***
David Letterman is so obsessed by Jay Leno. His wife begs him to reopen his sex
chamber.
***
Death is a dream reality.
***
Déjà vu in dreams.
***
Disney’s Magic Kingdom visitors in Orlando want their money back. The snow is
real.

9. E.
11-22-1963. 9-11-2001. 12-21-2012.
***
Emma Watson's first day of college. She turned up in a helicopter. Flying on a
broomstick is not allowed in America since the 9-11 attacks.
***
Everybody's friend Larry King ends record-setting run on CNN. Piers Morgan's
choice for 1st interview? Conan O'Brien of course!
***
Every flu tells a story.
***
Every time I see Sarah Palin in public I have the weird feeling God forgot to
patent women.

10. F.
Favorite time killer on a golf course: Knock on Woods.
***
Film industry hit by swine flu. It seems that you can snort flu too.
***
50th birthday Diego Maradona. I thought God was older.
***
Florida man finds frog in his Pepsi can. The frog died of thirst.
***
For God we live our lives from death to birth.
***
Former US Generals say obesity is the latest national security threat. All
McDonald’s employees are on the FBI’s terrorist watch list now.
***
40 percent of Americans still believe in creationism and 60 percent of Americans
still believe in dessert. That's good news for Sarah Palin.
***
French President Sarkozy wants to tax CO2 emissions. I hope the bill stays in
France. My girl is a heavy breather.

11. G.
German newspaper Bild publishes Tiger Wood calendar. Each day it reveals a new
mistress. I prefer the Warren Beatty 24 hour calendar.
***
God is everywhere, but I always lose at hide and go seek.
***
God is not happy with all that extraterrestrial life. Heaven is full.
***
God retweeted me; now I've got several personalities.
***
Google working on search results without searching: contextual discovery. My girl
goes for sextual discovery: sex without sex.
***
G20 summit: Michelle Obama kisses Brown, Merkel and Medvedev, but not
Berlusconi. No wonder, the Italian Mob is too adept at kissing.

12. H.
Hard times for air travellers. I only feel safe sitting next to Paris Hilton; she never
wears underwear.
***
Happy meal no happy deal in San Francisco. Hey teacher, leave them kids alone.
***
Heather Mills orders a new artificial leg. Ex-husband Paul McCartney hopes he can
buy the old one. It was the only body part that felt real.
***
Hidden unique number in DNA will explain our past and future.
***
Hide and seek game Barrack Obama and Gordon Brown in New York. The British
Prime Minister cries “Ollie ollie oxen free” all day long.
***
Human is the progenitor of garbage.

13. I.
I can’t read white lines on white paper.
***
I’ve always been a god-fearing man; nowadays I’m a priest-fearing man.
***
IKEA catalogue beats the Bible. What a waste. You can make lots of crosses from
all that wood.
***
I’m an Android linked in twitter.
***
Imagine there's no Beatles.
***
In California they will remember Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger as the
terminator.
***
Indian probe finds water on the moon. Fortunately it wasn’t oil. There are just not
enough British football clubs for 1 billion oil barons.
***
Iran launches rat into space. Sounds like a coup to me.
***
Ireland is running out of priests. Apparently, prison life isn’t as fun as monastic
life.
***
Is consciousness strong enough to create a heaven after death? I wonder.
***
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says he is Superman. Does this mean he is
an illegal immigrant?
***
I told the woman of my dreams: I can't live without you. She left me.
***

14. It's a digi world outside: In my personal ads I changed the word sex in Twitter.
***
It is getting crazier and crazier. TV hosts kill or bonk for better ratings. Soon
someone wins the Nobel price for doing nothing.
***
It’s so freezing cold in Florida that Tiger Woods is prepared to spend the night
with a black girl.
***
It’s so quiet around Tiger Woods. I think he locked himself inside David
Letterman’s secret bedroom.
***
It's so weird I can't do magic.
***
I went to heaven and I saw dolphins and Eskimos swimming together.

15. J.
Japan’s first lady says she was abducted by a UFO. The Aliens dumped her when
they found out she only could cook blowfish.
***
Jessica Simpson claims her lesbian dog has been stolen by a coyote. The dog was
a gift from her ex-husband; the coyote an idea of her lover.
***
Jim Morrison may win indecent exposure pardon 40 years on. Gee, no more
secret gigs in Argentina.
***
John Cleese finances a 12 million divorce with a new show. He plays a retired
comedian whining about his most regretted one-liner: I do.

16. K.
Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift at VMAs and yelled that Beyonce had one of
the best videos of all time. I want a date too.
***
Kate Moss offended by host James Nesbitt at the GQ Awards. She lost a lipstick
too. Nesbitt’s stool will blush red the coming days.
***
Kate Winslet has the celebrity body most desired by British women, a survey has
found. The undertakers go for Amy Winehouse.
***
Keith Richards is rock'n roll and Mick Jagger is ballet.
***
Kelly Osbourne will be signing her new book at Selfridges. I’m not surprised. Miss
Kelly has a lot of experience with writing lines.
***
Keisha Buchanan, the last original member of the Sugababes, leaves the all-girl-
group. The Sugababes will continue as a tribute band.

17. L.
Life's God's private Big Brother.
***
Lily Allen topless for American magazine GQ Honor. Amy Winehouse is
considering posing toothless.
***
Lola brood's really daddy's little girl.

18. M.
Man makes living suing spammers. My ex-wives made living by divorcing me.
***
Man shoots cannonball into Neighbour’s house. Fortunately, the neighbour played
football for years. A touchdown prevented a sudden death.
***
Men tell twice as many lies as women, according to new research. Logical.
Women lie to their husbands; men lie to their wives and mistresses.
***
Merkel and Berlusconi met in Poland. Merkel went for peace; Berlusconi for an
orgy.
***
Michelle Obama is to appear on the Jay Leno Show this Friday. Via satellite. The
President visited David letterman in September, you know.
***
Michelle Obama wants Barrack to stay away from Oprah Winfrey. Apparently,
interns are out of fashion.
***
Miss Piggy wants to sue Sarah Palin for stealing her identity.
***
Mystery needle attacks in Xinjiang. 9 suspects were arrested. The Chinese
government says the suspects shall be punished hard: a flu shot.

19. N.
NASA announce a historical press conference about extraterrestrial life. No Wiki
leaks, but Alien leaks.
***
Navy moves to allow women on submarines. We all know what happened when
women gained access to the golf course.
***
New Hollywood blockbuster starring Warren Beatty and Tiger Woods: g-spotting.
***
09/09/09. Nothing happened so far. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to call off the
wedding today.

20. O.
Obama pledges to end military’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy’. If Obama can turn
lead into rubber he deserves the Nobel Peace Price.
***
Millions of condoms Football Championship 2010. And that’s just for the Catholic
players.
***
One year old Chinese girl is pregnant with her own sister. What a weird way to
bypass the one-child policy.
***
Oprah not upset by Palin's run for presidency; she believes in the intelligence of
the voters. Poor George W. Bush, the forgotten President.
***
Oprah Winfrey to reveal huge family secret Monday. A Kenyan father and a half
brother from Hawaii?
***
Osama Bin Laden concerned about global warming. The neighbors complain about
the noise of the air conditioning in his cave.

21. P.
Paycheck fairness dies in the U.S. Senate. The voting was in a tent in
Afghanistan.
***
People call it dimension; God calls it 3D.
***
Personally, I think central heating is responsible for global warming; it’s so cold.
***
Please Agnetha Fältskog, no Abba reunion. I'm still too young for a golden oldies
concert.
***
Polanski finishing up his latest film in jail. That’s good news. I’m sure LA Police
will send Polanski an invitation for the Academy Awards.
***
Pope Benedict XVL tackled by a woman. Virgin Mary’s appearances are getting
more and more aggressive.
***
Poverty shortens life. God is gracious.
***
Priorities determine the future of a civilization, not science.
***
Psychic Paul the Octopus is dead. The soccer mob made him an offer he couldn’t
refuse.

22. Q.
Quote The Sound of Music: There's nothing more irresistible to a man than a
woman who's in love with him.

23. R.
Reality TV show Sarah Palin. A remake of the three-part TV miniseries North and
South.
***
Republicans and Obama's health care plan: over my sick body!
***
Rio beats Obama/Oprah out to win 2016 Olympics. Now we know Sarah Palin’s
strategy for the next Presidential election: a bikini campaign.
***
Rock singer Iggy Pop tops ‘worst face in showbiz’ poll. He also won a Cher-look-
alike competition.
***
Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood arrested for beating his girlfriend. Ridiculous!
Naughty children deserve to be punished.
***
Rumour: Michael Jackson will get a First Emperor funeral at Neverland.
Thousands of Statues of plastic surgeons will be buried with him.
***
Russia to host 2018 World Cup. Football comes home: Siberia.
***
Ryanair introduces smokeless cigarettes on flights; an appropriate dessert after a
tasteless dinner.

24. S.
Salute Ted Sorensen: ask not what God can do for you, ask what you can do for
God.
***
Santa Claus does the Wall Street shuffle.
***
Sarah Palin showed up at the national Tea Party convention in Nashville. Sarah
thought she was invited for a Tupperware party.
***
Sarah Palin went crazy when she heard about John Stewart’s rally to restore
sanity.
***
Scientist: We may have 2 suns by 2012. Armageddon is all about skin cancer.
***
Senate vote ends "don't ask don't tell". The US army introduces a new policy:
"use it, lose it".
***
Sex change Cher's daughter. Mom supports her daughter; she always liked
younger men.
***
Silvio Berlusconi is so paranoid these days. Now he wants to eliminate his
guardian angels; they know too much.
***
Silvio Berlusconi says he's the best Prime Minister Italy has ever had. That man is
so vain; he probably thinks this insult is about him.
***
Silvio Berlusconi struck in the face with a souvenir statue. Italian men are so
vain; they don't throw with shoes.
***
Since the Vera Baker affair rumours Obama thinks he’s a Tiger in Bed.
***
Smiling baseball players live longer, scientists claim. Smiling golf players have
more sex.

25. ***
Standard condoms are too big for most Indian men. It’s time for a new caste
system in India: small, smaller and smallest.
***
Suppository bombs cast doubt on airport security. Small wonder. A tampon or a
fart can be lethal. Poor bomb-sniffing dogs.
***
Surveys show the Danes are the happiest people in the world. Apparently, they
all work at the Tax and Customs Administration.
***
Susan Boyle is being tipped to sing out the next James Bond theme tune: 007
ways to lose my virginity.
***
Suspect ate out of his colostomy bag in court. It tasted like bread and water.

26. T.
Taipei funeral parlour uses heat from cremations to brew coffee. With a large
corpse the second cup is for free.
***
Teacher suspended after students dine at Hooters. The food at McDonald’s is
indeed healthier.
***
The body scan is a nightmare for Hollywood folk. Now Immigration can see how
they looked like before plastic surgery.
***
The excitement among politicians about the Swine flu isn’t surprising. It’s all in
the name. Barbie flu would only scare Paris Hilton.
***
The first tweet is the deepest.
***
The National Basketball Association prohibits use of Twitter during games. Own
fault. The players constantly asked for a Tweet-out.
***
The Nobel Committee had better give Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo dynamite
instead of the Nobel Peace prize.
***
There are two good reasons for Michelle Obama to wear shorts. I support both.
***
The repetition principle of dreams is intriguing. It's a mirror of dead.
***
The repetition principle of dreams means registration.
***
The Republicans are apparently so happy with Barack Obama, that they want to
nominate Sarah Palin for President in 2012.
***
The Tea Party Movement is the first sign of political grey goo.

27. ***
The Queen's head will stay on stamps, the Government said. They haven't
decided yet what to do with the rest of the body.
***
The Universe looks like a Big Mac. Billions of realities stacked, created by Big
Bangs and held together by gravity.
***
The way we are. The way we feel. The way we love.
***
The worst thing that can happen after an invasion by Aliens is discovering all Led
Zeppelin songs are plagiarism.
***
Third bus accident at the Walt Disney World resort Orlando in two weeks. I didn’t
know Disney adopted Toyota.
***
Tiger Woods’ doctor charged with selling unapproved drug. Strange, I thought
Viagra was legal.
***
Tiger Woods going to rehab for sex addiction. He is nursed by 13,000 Susan
Boyle look-alikes.
***
Tom Cruise reveals to Jay Leno: Sex with me is like flying. The women always
kiss the ground after landing.
***
Tomorrow is 09/09/09. That’s so scary. I hope it will blow over quickly. I wouldn't
miss 21/12/12 for anything.
***
Twitter war Perez Hilton, Demi Moore, Kirsty Alley. A nice theme for a remake of
The Warriors. Hollywood gang hunting for the gossip Queen.

28. U.
Uninvited couple attended White House dinner. No big deal. George and Laura
Bush did the trick for eight years.
***
United Nations climate change conference Copenhagen 2009: festival of fools.
***
UN Leaders fear cyber war. Hard times for the peace movement. You can’t tell a
nerd: make love, not war.
***
US and Russia develop plan to build a missile shield together. The eagle and the
bear under one umbrella; the snake is hiding in the grass.
***
US blood bank starts “Give blood, get beer” promotion. Tiger Woods hopes for a
similar offer by a sperm bank.
***
US Late: Letterman depressed after affairs news broke, O’Brien depressed after a
45m divorce and Leno depressed after screwing a yokemate.

29. V.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praises former military dictator of Uganda Idi
Amin. The vegetarians are in shock.
***
Venezuelan President limits singing in the shower to 3 minutes to save water. Sex
is no problem; that takes only 10 seconds or so.

30. W.
Wake up game Washington Politicians. 1 cough: wrong bed. 2 coughs: Swine Flu.
3 coughs: you’re mentioned in the CIA Interrogation Report.
***
Walt Disney’s grandson Patrick faces drug and weapons charges. The Marvel bad
guys have arrived at the Magic Kingdom.
***
War creates a hell; a prayer a heaven.
***
What a fuss about David Letterman’s sex life. Blackmailing a celebrity because of
adultery is like punishing Satan for a traffic violation.
***
Who was given the soul? Sperm or ovum? I think sperm. Ovum already had the
apple.
***
Wife gives Tiger Woods an 18 holes beating. In her eyes he’s a paper tiger.
***
Wikileaks is a worderer.
***
With a golden voice I would be speechless in a blink.
***
Woman bites hairdresser over wrong hairdo. I bit my dentist when he made me
look like Dracula.

31. Y.
You can’t buy talent, but you can sell it.
***
You can't solve labor shortage with dead bodies.