1. ISSN 2041-7780 Issue 17 Jun/Jul 12 £3.50
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2. 20 Business Support
Why do we
communicate in
the way we do?
I often come across people who have
difficulty expressing themselves
clearly due to their fear of hurting
people’s feelings. The reality is that we
can’t get anywhere in life unless we
are able to communicate effectively.
information. This leads us to a question. How do Studies show that we spend our
L
et’s face it, communication is something
we do every day. Despite communicating we communicate that information? Following communication time in the following
on a daily basis, communicating research, Professor Albert Mehrabian who has
effectively with each other in relationships does pioneered the understanding of communications,
ways
not always come naturally! stated that there are basically three elements of ☯ writing 9% ☯ reading 16%
any face-to-face communication: words, tone of ☯ talking 30% ☯ listening 45%
What is a communication? voice and nonverbal behaviour. Only 7 per cent of
Depending on who we ask, the answer may vary. our message comes through the words we use, Why do we communicate?
Let's start with the most basic definition of 38 per cent comes through our tone of voice, and According to Professor Dalton Kehoe, Ph.D., of
communication. Straight from Wikipedia! 55 per cent comes through our body language. York University, in his lecture, ‘Effective
Communication is the activity of conveying Communication Skills’, we communicate to
satisfy our three basic human needs which are:
☯ Discovering ourselves
☯ Building relationships with other people
☯ Influencing others
This means that communicating effectively
conveys who we are, enables us to build solid
relationships, and influences the success of our
friendships, romantic life and encounters. But
what happens when we fail to communicate
effectively?
It is a well-known fact that almost everything
we want, but don’t currently have, will come from
someone else. For instance, some people fail to
get hired because they lack effective
communication skills; others are rejected
because they cannot develop deep relationships,
while others cannot guarantee a loan because of
their lack of influence over others. Studies show
that when we use our communication skills
properly, we become more productive, happier
and less stressed.
Why do we communicate in the way
we do?
Someone once said that to become a better
communicator we need to know more about the
people with whom we are communicating and we
need to blame them less. This leads to a study
Jun/Jul www.choicehealthmag.com

3. Business Support 21
Style Goals Here are a couple of suggestions
about effective communication:
Passive ☯ Want to be liked.
☯ Ask questions. When people feel defensive,
☯ Want everybody to be happy, even if it’s at your own expense.
they don’t give us useful information unless we
☯ Seek to preserve your relationship at all costs.
can engage them in a way that reduces their
☯ Don’t want to stir up distressing feelings in others, so keep silent about
urge to defend themselves. The best way to do
your own needs.
this is by asking questions which encourage them
Attacking ☯ Want to be right. to tell their side of the story.
☯ Are afraid of being taken advantage of.
☯ Can be quick to blame. ☯ Listen actively. This is the only form of
☯ Often speak impulsively without considering the situation communication that helps solve problems and it
Passive-Aggressive ☯ Want to express your anger while still being seen as a nice person. enhances relationships. It’s called active listening
☯ Question your right to be angry. because you have to be active internally and
☯ Fear your angry feelings will damage your relationship. externally. When someone is talking to you, give
them your full attention, listen ‘behind’ their words
Effective ☯ Want to create mutual respect. to see what they are really talking about. Don’t
☯ Feel you have a right to all your feelings. intervene or comment, just observe and learn.
☯ Care about others, but don’t let that caring prevent you from expressing After all, that is the point of effective
yourself in an appropriate way. communication.
Reference
conducted by Dr Darlene MiNiNNI. In her book, difficulty expressing yourself clearly without ☯ LIEBERMAN, DAVID J. Ph.D., Get Anyone to Do Anything p.
The Emotional Toolkit – How to Cope with What leaving other people feeling defensive. 149 ☯ Mininni, Dr. Darlene The Emotional Toolkit: How to Cope
Life Throws at You, she suggests that there are DAVID J. LIEBERMAN, Ph.D. in his book, Get with What Life Throws at You. p.81 CHW
four basic styles and goals in communication Anyone to Do Anything, suggested that “The first
which are Passive, Attacking, Passive-Aggressive rule of effective debate, argument, or heated © Gervasio Da Gloria is an author
and Effective. conversation is to never, ever get defensive. The and he coaches fitness professionals.
Sometimes people will use a combination of minute you begin to defend yourself against an He teaches them how to make their
these styles depending on the situation. For accusation, you've lost... When you do this, you money work for them, instead of
instance, if you are a passive communicator, you are giving credence to what has been said and working hard for their money. For
will likely have a hard time bringing up distressing you're arguing with your back against the wall.” more information, you can contact
subjects if you fear they could hurt someone’s him on 07905075408 or
feelings. On the other hand, if you are an gervasio@justfit-training.co.uk,
attacking communicator, you will probably have www.justfit-trainining.co.uk
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