2. OAKAPPLE SHANKEL: Hello. Is this⊠Room 903?
EDGAR MILLER: Yes. How can I help you?
OAKAPPLE: Iâm the, uh⊠âParty of the⊠First Part.â
3. EDGAR: Ah, yes. Youâre the one whoâs trying to get out of
marrying a perfectly nice girl.
OAKAPPLE: Have you⊠even met her?
EDGAR: No, but her name is âCeleste.â (sighs romantically)
How perfect must she be, to be called âHeavenlyâ!
OAKAPPLE (dubiously): Itâs just⊠a name. How did youâŠ
get to be⊠an impartial arbitrator?
4. EDGAR (V.O.): Oh, I used to listen to all my friends in college.
I was pretty good at helping them work stuff out. And I like
helping make people happy.
OAKAPPLE (V.O.): You donât⊠get special training⊠or
anything?
EDGAR (V.O.) (puzzled): I wouldnât need special training to
perform surgery â why would I need it to listen to people? And
to figure out how much money you owe Celeste for jilting her,
of course.
OAKAPPLE (V.O.) (mutters): I should have⊠sprung for aâŠ
real trial.
5. CELESTE KALSON: Hello? Is this Room 903?
EDGAR: Yes, it is. How can I help you?
CELESTE: Iâm the âParty of the Second Part.â
6. EDGAR: âHeavenlyâ indeed! Now tell me, Celeste, just whatâs
going on?
CELESTE: He said heâd marry me! And now he says he wonât!
OAKAPPLE: I donât remember⊠saying that. I⊠may have
been⊠on bubbles.
CELESTE: Well, whether he remembers or not, he said heâd
marry me! And I already bought my trousseau!
7. OAKAPPLE: Whatâs a⊠âtrousseauâ?
EDGAR: Itâs the personal possessions of a bride, usually
including clothing, accessories, and household goods.
CELESTE: And lingerie. Donât forget the lingerie. From
Victoriaâs Secret, no less!
OAKAPPLE: Theyâre pretty⊠expensive.*
CELESTE: Exactly! So if he wonât marry me, Iâm asking for
damages! Fifty thousand ought to cover it.
OAKAPPLE: Fifty thou â !
*Oakapple knows this because he used to buy Dial-A-Shimmer Body
Lotion from Victoriaâs Secret, and he would see the sale signs. Not
because he wears womenâs underwear.
8. OAKAPPLE: Look, you know⊠how it is. You⊠love this
one⊠today and that one⊠tomorrow. So Iâm⊠happy to
marry⊠this one today⊠if I can marry⊠that one tomorrow.
EDGAR: Well, that sounds reasonable to me. (to Celeste) What
do you think?
9. CELESTE: Iâm sorry, sir, but thatâs a crime.
EDGAR: Really? What crime is that?
CELESTE: Burglary.
EDGAR: Oh. Well. Tsk tsk. Canât have burglary, now, can we?
10. OAKAPPLE: But Iâd be⊠a terrible husband! Iâd⊠get drunk,
and then⊠Iâd beat her⊠and kick her.
CELESTE: I donât care! I love him, I love him, I love him! Iâll
never love anybody else ever, ever, ever, and Iâll die old,
lonely, and alone! â Remember that when youâre figuring
damages.
11. EDGAR: Well, now, it sounds like the question is whether
Oakapple here will be a mean drunk or not. Tell you what: letâs
get him drunk and find out.
CELESTE: Okay!
OAKAPPLE: No! Iâm⊠eleven months sober!
EDGAR: Well, fine! You donât like any of my suggestions, so
hereâs how weâll settle itâŠ
15. SONG.
And a good judge, too!*
*Adapted from W.S. Gilbert, Trial by Jury, song 14. Available from
http://math.boisestate.edu/GaS/trial/webopera/tbj14.html; accessed 5 June
2011.
16. Notes, disclaimers, and other trivia
This brief interlude is based on Trial by Jury, which was
actually Gilbert & Sullivanâs second collaboration, but which is
the oldest one to survive. (Apparently, their first collaboration â
Thespis, or, The Gods Grown Old â was so bad that the score
and libretto were âaccidentallyâ lost pretty quickly.) It runs for
a whopping half hour, and is usually performed on a double bill
with The Sorcerer, which is also short. Since I used The
Sorcerer, I thought it was only fair to use Trial by Jury too. The
original was set during a trial for âbreach of promise,â or
reneging on a promise to marry a woman. This was never
grounds for a lawsuit in the States, and hasnât been one in
Britain since the 1970s, so I had the parties hire an arbitrator
instead.
17. Oh, and the reason Oakapple doesnât remember proposing to
Celeste? He never did. She was a matchmaker drop for Eddie,
who couldnât have been more thrilled.
Until next time, happy Simming!