Let’s just get the first stereotype over with: do women really talk more than men? In 2006, the claim that women talk three times more than men became widely quoted from the book The Female Brain. In it, author and counselor LouannBrizendine claims "a woman uses about 20,000 words per day while a man uses about 7,000." Since then, this has been proven untrue by other studies, but the studies and debates continue with varying results. In many studies, the results don’t show enough of a difference between the sexes in terms of talking to declare a “winner.” The differences, however, do occur in various situations. Women speak more at home than men do while men usually speak more at work. Women speak more to women and men speak more to women as well, but less to other men. During decision-making tasks, men were more talkative than women, but when talking about themselves or working with children, women were more talkative than men. Of course, some people, both men and women, talk a lot while others don’t. Personalities affect these statistics.
When making a decision, most people go through a thought process. For women, this process is often done out loud, actually talking through the options or pros and cons of a situation. Men, however, tend to process internally while coming up with a solution. A woman might think the man’s being unresponsive to suggestions because of this silence, but the man probably thinks the woman’s looking for approval by processing out loud or doesn't know what she’s doing. Some men think that a woman's way of processing is a sign of weakness and some women may think that a man’s silence suggests no processing at all. Neither of these assumptions is true; the processing is just different.
This brings us to one of the most pronounced differences between men and women’s communication styles—solving versus sharing. Not only do men and women process problem-solving differently, but they approach discussing problems differently as well. If a wife tells her husband about a problem she’s facing, he’ll most likely try to help her solve it. That’s what he does, and it’s what he thinks she expects of him. However, she’s probably not be looking for a solution but simply wants to share the problem. She wants his empathy as much as his advice. That’s why when her sister calls her about a problem she doesn’t try to solve her sister’s problem, but responds by sharing a similar problem she’s faced. She offers comfort through solidarity not solutions. If one man tells another man about a problem at home or at work, he expects the other man to help him solve the problem, not be empathetic or understanding. That’s not why he told him the problem. So, when a husband tells his wife about a problem and she empathizes with him and demonstrates understanding by sharing a similar problem, the husband doesn’t appreciate it. He doesn’t understand why she isn’t helping him solve the problem.
According to linguist Deborah Tannen, men are more likely to engage in what is referred to as report talk, which is characterized by a focus on content. Men talk about topics that are public matters, such as sports or politics. During report talk, people will demonstrate their knowledge about a subject and will give general information about the topic.Rapport talk, on the other hand, is designed to establish relationships and make people in relationships feel closer to each other. Women engage in this kind of talk more often than men. Rapport talk deals with more intimate matters than report talk and includes topics such as family and marital relationships.
Direct and indirect speaking can be based more on a situation than a gender. So, when women are engaged in “rapport talk” about relationships, they will speak more directly. When speaking at home or to their children, they will speak directly. However, at work, during “report talk,” most women are indirect, making suggestions rather than statements. They often temper their opinions with qualifiers such as “it seems to me”; “perhaps we should” or “I just feel.” This is the opposite for men. When discussing relationships, most men are indirect. They’re also indirect when expressing their own weaknesses, emotions, or making an admission of guilt. At work, however, they speak more directly. In fact, men's way of speaking can be considered bold, and in some cases even rude. When men give an order, for example, they explicitly tell someone to do something. For example, a male boss talking to an employee might say "be back in the office by 3" (the please is optional), but a female boss in the same situation might say "try to get back to the office as close to 3 as possible."
Unlike men who might pride themselves on their “poker-face,” women tend to show what they’re thinking (and feeling) on their faces. But most women are also better than men at reading others’ facial expressions. So, a woman's inability to hide her facial expressions is probably a greater benefit to other women. If a man speaks to a woman but only listens to her words without noting her facial expressions, he’s probably not getting the whole message. If you ask a co-worker what she thought of your presentation and she tells you it was good, but you also notice that her eyes are narrowed and her mouth is tightly compressed. Her facial expression suggests that something about your presentation made her angry. Knowing this means you can follow up and get the truth. The ability to read faces is an important skill.
Most men speak more loudly than most women. This may occur because girls are taught from an early age to moderate their voices and be "lady-life" while boys are encouraged to speak up. In some cultures, like Japan, the difference may be even more pronounced. Although a soft tone does not mean the speaker’s not in a position of authority, it can be perceived as weak. Soft-spoken women must learn to project their voices or risk being talked over. Conversely, all speakers with greater volume must learn to yield to softer voices, when necessary.
As discussed with nonverbal communication, smiling and nodding are signs of encouragement a listener gives to a speaker. As listeners, women are more likely to smile to encourage others then men. Women might also nod to signal support for the speaker and as a sign of understanding or empathy. But these nonverbal cues don’t mean that the female listener agrees with what the speaker’s saying, only that she is encouraging him or her to say it. This can be quite a mixed message for the speaker, whether it’s a man or a woman. So, if you’re a woman and you tend to nod encouragement, double check that habit if you actually disagree with what someone’s saying. If you’re talking to a woman who’s nodding, confirm that she actually agrees with your message by asking her.
Body language was covered in detail in our section on Nonverbal Communication. But there are a few gender differences to be aware of as well. When women talk to someone face-to-face, they usually approach them from the front and prefer to stand toe-to-toe. Men generally approach from the side and then stand at an angle. Women may interpret the angled posture as aloof, disinterested, or being less than upfront. Men, on the other hand, may interpret the way she’s standing as aggressive or even too close. They both may be uncomfortable. Knowing her proximity to a man could be misinterpreted as flirting, a woman should consider the topic of conversation, then adjust her position accordingly. If a man wants a woman to believe what he’s saying and come across as more sincere, he should turn towards her a bit (not too close) and face her squarely rather than at an angle.
Studies suggest that men, indeed, interrupt more during a conversation. They interrupt other men as much as they do women. However, they seem to “talk over” women more, not waiting for the female speaker to pause or in some way acknowledge the interruption. In a work environment, this behavior undermines team dynamics and erodes trust. Men can greatly enhance group communications and interpersonal relationships by yielding airtime, but women also need to call the man out when he interrupts her. Much like other communication skills, interrupting is just a bad habit. Although many of these generalizations may not apply to you in particular, it’s important to be aware of how differently most men and women communicate at work.
