1. “A Bedtime Fairy Tale” She claimed there was no Father. But she was just humiliated. She blamed herself. She had dallied in the dark-dark woods. She had been asking for it. And so, the baby was left at the monastery door. The boy remembers—they say it is impossible—but he remembers her voice and face and warmth, the feel of that fabric. “We all begin in that color,” Brother Thomas would tell him, “And we often end in that color.” He did not remember the Father. But he heard it in the fearful whispers and rumors of the others, heard it louder in the silences that spelled abomination. And then, the goddess, Oprah, she who eats fat-free desserts from on high, belched forth gothic prophecies: the abused become the abusers; the children of monsters are monsters. But then, the goddess, Oprah, she who eats fat free desserts from on high, belched forth transcendent prophecies of hope and change: I was a welfare daughter just like you…how did you let yourself become welfare mothers? Why did you choose this? I did not. And the boy did not know which face to trust. And he stands in front of a mirror and tries to remember his mother and tries to be good. But all he sees are the growing fangs and claws and the dark-dark fur sprouting everywhere and—Lord!—there were so many soft, pink little piggies out there tonight and a bloody, pregnant moon. And he clutches a basket to his chest, the basket they found him in, and he gropes and feels the fabric that swaddled him: shredded with talon marks, a cape and a red-red hood. Dating in modern society is full of traps THAT one must remain weary of at all times. There are predators around every corner, hunters in every bar, sharks in the gym, and wolves at the grocery store. A timid individual such as yourself is going to be a TARGET for attacks as long as you remain naïve regarding the dangers. The lack of feelings of accomplishment in MODERN AMERICAN LIVE adds pressure to the social relationships of that group. The external influences of television, magazines, film, music, and others suggest that we need to succeed. Most of us do not build our houses, farm our food, or create the things we enjoy. So I must ask when was the last time YOU had a quantifiable accomplishment or success? Current views on heterosexual sexual activities suggest that most activity is SIMPLY ASSISTED masturbation and hypnosis. As we’re all aware, with the possible exception of you, dear sweet Deer, the goal of masturbation is to achieve orgasm. Here, as you can see, WE FIND OUR SUCCESS While the ability to bring ourselves to orgasm is important in most psychosexual contexts, and a valuable tool in discovering WHAT WE WANT, one can see why assisting another in achieving orgasm is one of the few possible accomplishments of the 21st century. Our desire to succeed as beings is our means to measure a relationship as a success or failure. Those able to satisfy the base PRIMAL DESIRES of our partners are hailed, but those not able to bring their partner to orgasm regularly are failures and outcasts. So you see, dear, it is on the battlefield of the bedroom where we have planted the SEEDS OF MOST of our self-esteem. Either they are flowers, or they are weeds, I dare not say. Analysis, it seems, may be meaningless after all, considering that we’re all fucked in the end. B. Damn These Bears -A short story dedicated to Suzanne, who is dead, or Clint Eastwood- Bears. Damn these bears. It had been seven years since Suzanne died. Since they had taken her from me. These damn bears. The old man looked up at the tree branches. The leaves were all but gone now. The bears had taken them. Damn these bears. It wouldn’t be long now. They would be here. There was something in the way he had first felt in forests that made him sure he would die in one. The old man tried to imagine what the bears were doing right at that moment. In truth, they were racing towards him faster that a gust of wind, cold and brutal, tearing down tree limbs and blasting through shrubbery. They would take him like they took Suzanne. Eaten by bears. He began to tremble and reached for a pack of cigarettes. The smoke soothed his lungs and the smell comforted him. Damned bears. They were almost there. If only it could have been sharks, or wolves. Even a flock of angry mothers with rolling pins ready would have been better than bears. The bears that took Suzanne. Bears. They were upon the old man before he could finish his cigarette. As he was forced down by the 800 pound beasts, he emptied his revolver in them and yelled the only words that gave him solace, the only words that had any meaning: “Bears! Damn these bears!” For my love, My darling, nobody is as unique and beautiful as you, Rare Freshwater Great White Shark. Every day that passes I look to the moon and howl my undying affection for your cold-blooded beauty. From the very moment I saw you lunge out of the water and tear that deer in half, I knew that you were the rare freshwater yin of murderous efficiency to my yang of love and tenderness. Maybe it was the way the light sparkled off of your glistening skin as you sailed gracefully through the air, or perhaps it was how time seemed to stand still while you dragged the remains with you into the murky depths, leaving behind only the most adorable trail of blood as evidence that you were ever there. My sweet angel, every moment that passes is a moment spent thinking of you, imagining you with me, thrashing ecstatically in the tumult of our love. I want to be inside you, my mysterious love. I want to fill you up, and nourish you with my affection. I know ours is a forbidden love, me being a wolf and you being an aquatic killing machine, but I know we can make this work. I know that behind those nictitating membranes are the eyes of a gentle and loving nurturer. So there it is, I can’t believe I’m actually writing this to you! But what the heck, I couldn’t stand not knowing any longer. Open up your heart to me the way you open up your mouth when swallowing your prey whole. I give myself to you, my love. Now and forever I am yours. Eternally, Wolf I had a dream about wolves. I never told my boyfriend but that’s why we broke up. 215900We were on our way to the farm, turning on to the entrance road, when we saw the smallest, cutest, baby deer we had ever seen. We slowed down and admired, many “awww”s were uttered, and a name was given. Timothy, we called him, because it was an innocent name. Eventually we ended up on top of the hill, gathering our gear and heading down to our campsite. It was dark, we were drinking, and the talking was loud, which is why we did not hear the approach of the young deer. He stood silently watching us from a distance waiting for us to sleep. I recall hearing the sounds of scraping in the distance, but thought nothing of it at the time. When we finally fell asleep the angry vengeful god awoke, furious of our intrusion on his sacred lands. His front hooves smashed together and thunder broke the clouds. He rubbed his steely hooves together causing sparks and the cracks of lightning in the air. His mouth opened and the blood of his long dead relatives poured out and the rain came. His high pitched squealing laughter being carried on each drop. 5 inches of rain fell that night, we lost our cell phones, our blankets, we lost two to wolf creek. The farmers said it was just poor planning. I think, deep down, we know the truth, and we hear the scraping of his metal hooves in the backs of our head each rainstorm. * 1/2 cup fresh deer juice * 4 teaspoons grated deer zest * 4 deer yolks * 1 - 14 ounce can sweetened deer milk * 11 graham crackers * 3 tablespoons granulated sugar * 5 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted 1. Whisk the deer yolks and deer zest together in a bowl until tinted light green. This takes about 2 minutes 2. Beat in milk, then juice and set aside at room temperature till it thickens. 3. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. 4. Mix graham cracker crumbs and sugar in another bowl. 5. Add butter and stir with a fork until well blended. 6. Pour this mixture into a 9-inch pie pan and press over the bottom and up the sides of the pan. Try using the bottom of a measuring cup to make sure the graham cracker mixture forms a firm crust on the bottom of the pie pan. 7. Bake on the center rack for about 15 minutes until the crust is lightly brown, remove and let cool to room temperature. 8. Pour the deer filling into crust, spread evenly, and then bake for 15 minutes until the center sets, but still wiggles when shaken. 9. Remove from oven and cool to room temperature. 10. Refrigerate for at least three hours until well chilled. Hey Sexy Wolf, I’ve been checking you out for a while. Yeah, I think you look delicious, but let’s be honest with ourselves. I’m not a one-wolf kinda shark, babe! I’m the kind of animal where I gotta always keep moving, or I’ll drown. I’m always looking for the next score, you know? And while I wouldn’t mind hooking up with you (I would tear you up!), it would never last. One moment I’m there, and the next I’m tearing into the next tasty morsel. But don’t take it bad sweetie, you have a good heart, nice muscular legs. You’ll find someone else. You’re a great catch, they’ll be lining up to get a taste of you. Rare Freshwater Great White Shark. Entertain me if not for but want one day. Dear Deer, Contributors: Gary Butterfield – Origins… Joshua Doetsch – Bedtime… Mario Donini – Timothy illustration Laura Gascon – DDWBS Ben Grigg – Damn… Scott Hannan – Let us… Robb Olson – For My Love/Sexy Wolf Images for Human After all from The Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall Images for Regarding… from Dog Head Fish Brewery Key Lime Pie Recipe from http://www.reluctantgourmet.com/keylime.htm Shark Sex provided by http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1134/is_10_111/ai_95357565 All other words and images written, discovered, or created by Brayton J. Cameron Special thanks to Michelle Apostle, Shayne Bell, Paul, Paul Wall, the Peoples Champ, Lauren Davis, Tom Cober, Ryan Green, Dan Kolba, Mitch F.K. Darling, Marla Darling, Nona Mecklenberg, The Juggy Bear, Geronimo (the band), Admiral Akbar, Kevin James, Pat Sajak, Neva Dinova, Jimmy “3rd Wheel” Dufrane, Chuckles Flavorshoot, Rip Van Bumblebiscuit, Deus Ex Machina, Batman, Goose Island, Dog Fish Head, Red Stripe, Taco Bell, and Tide Detergent