Sucking the Poison Out - Removing Negativity from Interaction is a talk I gave at NED 4.0. I go through methods for removing negativity from groups of people and relationships for greater productivity, happiness and flow.

1. Sucking the
Poison Out
Removing Negativity from Interaction
By Darius Contractor

2. Why I’m Interested
 At work and in life, I see negativity:
 Grind teams to a stop
 Deplete energy
 Crowd out happy moments
 No fun. So I set out to understand and eliminate it

3. But first:
Negativity=Awesome!
acid
 Communicating pain is the
that dissolves painful realities.
 Sharing honesty is the keystone of a good relationship.
 Connecting with our own negative thoughts lets them float away…
“Our wounds are often the opening to the best and most beautiful part of us.” – David Richo

4. So When Remove Negativity?
 When the acid is dissolving the wrong things.
 Negativity should destroy Behaviors and Limits
 Not Trust, Confidence, or Hope
 When it’s Mu*lti*pl*ing
 Transitively – Person B making Person C Wrong
 Internally – Escalating to Belief & Identity
 When… it’s….. just….. so…. Exhausting…
 When its disrupting floooo | oooow

5. Why “Sucking the Poison Out”?
Because to remove negativity from a situation, you must:
gather it,
hold it,
and dispose of it.
(Without spilling it if someone bumps you)
Like cleaning up cups at a party.

6. How
Go to presentation about negativity
 Sensitivity
 Careful Delivery
 Agree More
 Re-route It
 Keep Positive

7. Tuning your Neg-o-meter
Left hand = negative, right hand = positive
Rate each below, -5 to +5:
 “Wow, you crushed it”
 “I can’t believe you sometimes”
 “I told you so”
 “I’m so glad you’re here”
 “Thanks”
 “Thank you”
 “Your idea didn’t work”

8. Delivering Bad News
 Sandwich – Good, Bad, Good
 Extended Sandwich – Good feedback
constantly, Bad feedback sparingly

9. Agree Better
 Renegotiate agreements before they’re due
 Always get something
 Zipper concept – agreed wide, narrow down to issues
For more: The Corporate Mystic by Gay Hendricks

10. Re-routing Negativity
 Mantras can show the value of painful realities:
 “Release fast and Break stuff” (ie “this is forward progress”)
 “Every cloud has a silver lining” (ie “what can I enjoy?”)
 Create a safe place for expression/action of feelings
 Writing, art, exercise, therapy, friends, etc
 Avoid communicating problems to off-load them

11. Keeping it positive
 Slice off time for yourself. Cooks have to eat too.
 Relationship research shows couples need 80%
of interactions to be positive to make it.
 Office research shows the best teams are 85%
positive.
http://blogs.hbr.org/schwartz/2012/01/why-appreciation-matters-so-mu.html
For more: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by Gottman

12. #1
Gratitude

13. #1
“Without you here X and Y wouldn’t get done”
Feel Proud of yourself
Thank those who helped, taught, and challenged you.
Gratitude
Look downward as well as upward
Notice what others do right
Find something to appreciate: helping, trying, hoping, showing up, being.

14. Thank you
Questions / Comments?
Darius - d@rius.com - @dariusmc