How to fight fair during arguments and how to change your perspective of the goal of an argument to make it more constructive to your relationships.

1. FIXING THINGS WHEN THEY
BREAK
POLY PITFALLS 201

2. MINX & LUSTYGUY
INTRODUCTIONS

3. POLY 201
WHAT THIS CLASS IS: POLY 201
▸ How to communicate during a conflict
▸ How to resolve conflicts more quickly
▸ How to communicate after a conflict to enhance
understanding and avoid repetition

4. TEXT
WHAT THIS CLASS ISN’T
▸ How to avoid conflict
▸ How to deal with an abusive relationship (please take care
of yourself and do whatever is required to stay safe)
▸ Who to blame or who is right

5. ASSUMPTIONS
▸ You have a generally healthy relationship
▸ Everyone involved shares goodwill
▸ Everyone involved has a high level of self-awareness
▸ Everyone involved is willing and able to own their shit
▸ Everyone involved understands communication basics
▸ No abuse is present

6. LEARNING OBJECTIVES
1. Gain a different perspective
on arguments
2. Understand how to leverage
arguments to nurture your
relationship
3. Add tools to your
communication toolbox for
use during conflict

7. WHAT IS THE GOAL WHEN YOU
ARGUE?

8. GOAL OF A CONFLICT
1.Agree on what happened
2.Apologize and make amends
3.Agree how to prevent future
occurrences
A NEW PERSPECTIVE

9. BEFORE DURING AFTER

10. FAIR FIGHTING
101

11. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
FAIR FIGHTING 101
▸ The person who brought it up gets
to go first
▸ Deal with ONE issue at a time
▸ You are the expert on you
▸ Biology comes first
▸ Touch aids communication

12. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
FAIR FIGHTING 101
▸ The person who brought it up gets
to go first
▸ Deal with ONE issue at a time
▸ You are the expert on you
▸ Biology comes first
▸ Touch aids communication
SERIOUSLY
FOCUS!

13. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
FAIR FIGHTING 101
▸ The person who brought it up gets
to go first
▸ Deal with ONE issue at a time
▸ You are the expert on you
▸ Biology comes first
▸ Touch aids communication

14. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
FAIR FIGHTING 101
▸ The person who brought it up gets
to go first
▸ Deal with ONE issue at a time
▸ You are the expert on you
▸ Biology comes first
▸ Touch aids communication

15. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
FAIR FIGHTING 101
▸ The person who brought it up gets
to go first
▸ Deal with ONE issue at a time
▸ You are the expert on you
▸ Biology comes first
▸ Touch aids communication

16. TIP:
TALK ABOUT
BEHAVIORS,
NOT
ASSUMPTIONS

17. You’re treating me
like a secondary
ASSUMPTION
When you take her
phone calls when
you’re out with me
but don’t take mine
when you’re out
with him, I feel like
I’m a lower priority
to you.
BEHAVIOR

18. TIP:
SHOW
UNDERSTANDING
BY REPEATING
BACK

19. What I’m hearing is you believe the
forks should go in the dishwasher tines
up because that’s what the
manufacturer prescribes. Is that right?
SEEK UNDERSTANDING

20. OWN YOUR SHIT
TA K I N G P E R S O N A L R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y
F O R U N D E R S TA N D I N G ,
D I AG N O S I N G , A N A LY Z I N G A N D
S TAT I N G YO U R E M OT I O N S

21. OWNING YOUR SHIT
ASSUMPTIONS
▸ What you feel is OK—no “shoulds”
▸ Emotions come from within; no
one makes you feel anything
▸ You are empowered to understand
and affect your emotions

22. I’M SORRY.
what everyone wants to hear
A WORD ABOUT APOLOGIES

23. CONTEXT
APOLOGIES
▸ In the west, we tend to see
apologies as legal admissions of
guilt or blame
▸ Elsewhere, apologies are social
lubricant
▸ Be vulnerable. Apologize liberally.

24. BEFORE DURING AFTER

25. NEW GOAL: AGREE,
APOLOGIZE, PREVENT
POLY PITFALLS 201

26. OUR SAMPLE ARGUMENT

27. STEP 1:
AGREE WHAT
HAPPENED
—LustyGuy

28. STEP 1: AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
▸ Establish that the argument is over
▸ One person brings it up
▸ “So what happened is… “
▸ I felt ____ because I heard/thought that you were ____, and
that made me feel ____
▸ You felt ____ because you heard/thought that I was ___, and
that made you feel ____
▸ Is that right?

29. STEP 1 AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
FOR EXAMPLE: MINX AND LUSTY GUY’S LAST ARGUMENT
▸ “So I think we’re on the same page now. Do we agree that
the argument is over?”
▸ I got upset because _____
▸ And you got upset because _____

30. STEP 2:
OWN YOUR SHIT
AND APOLOGIZE

31. SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY
SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY
▸ Minx: I’m sorry I wasn’t paying
close enough attention to realize
you were taking about another
movie—I admit I didn’t read the full
article.
▸ LustyGuy: I’m sorry I didn’t check
to make sure I fully understood
what you were saying before I
responded to it.
I’m sorry I wasn’t paying
close enough attention.
I’m sorry I didn’t check to make
sure I understood what you were
saying before responding.

32. STEP 3:
AGREE HOW TO
PREVENT FUTURE
OCCURRENCES

33. STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES
WHAT CAN WE DO TO AVOID?
▸ Minx will listen more carefully and
own when she hasn’t read the
articles. She won’t engage if she
doesn’t have bandwidth for a
thoughtful conversation.
▸ LustyGuy will restate before
responding.
I’ll work to pay more
attention in the future
when something is
important to you.
I will restate what I
hear before
responding.

34. GOAL OF A CONFLICT
1.Agree on what happened
2.Apologize and make amends
3.Agree how to prevent future
occurrences
A NEW PERSPECTIVE

35. LEARNING OBJECTIVES
1. Gain a different perspective
on arguments
2. Understand how to leverage
arguments to nurture your
relationship
3. Add tools to your
communication toolbox for
use during conflict

36. QUESTIONS?
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