This document provides guidance on having fair fights and resolving arguments in polyamorous relationships. It outlines a three step process: 1) Agree on what actually happened to cause the argument, 2) Own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends, 3) Agree on actions to prevent similar arguments in the future. Examples are provided of Minx and LustyGuy applying each step to resolve one of their past arguments. Readers are encouraged to think about their own recent arguments and apply the three steps.

1. FIXING THINGS WHEN THEY
BREAK
POLY PITFALLS 101

2. MINX & LUSTYGUY
INTRODUCTIONS

3. ONLY MORE
TALKING
POLY = NOT MORE
ENLIGHTENED

4. WHAT DO YOU ARGUE ABOUT?

5. FAIR FIGHTING
101

6. FAIR FIGHTING 101
FAIR FIGHTING 101: RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
✓ The person who brought it up gets to go first
✓ Only one issue at a time
✓ You are the expert on you
✓ Acknowledge biological factors
✓ Touch each other

7. FAIR FIGHTING 101
TIPS AND TRICKS
✓ When you ____, I feel ____
✓ What I’m hearing from you is ___. Is that right? (Repeat
until yes)
✓ Someone has to be the grown-up/only one aggrieved
party at time
7

8. WHAT IS THE GOAL OF AN
ARGUMENT?
POLY PITFALLS 101

9. TODAY’S LEARNING OBJECTIVES
ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS RESOLUTION
1.Agree on what happened
2.Apologize and make amends
3.Agree how to prevent future
occurrences

10. OUR SAMPLE ARGUMENT

11. STEP 1:
AGREE WHAT
HAPPENED
—LustyGuy

12. STEP 1: AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
▸ Establish that the argument is over
▸ One person brings it up
▸ “So what happened is… “
▸ I felt ____ because I heard/thought that you were ____, and
that made me feel ____
▸ You felt ____ because you heard/thought that I was ___, and
that made you feel ____
▸ Is that right?

13. STEP 1 AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
FOR EXAMPLE: MINX AND LUSTYGUY’S LAST ARGUMENT
▸ “So I think we’re on the same page now. Do we agree that
the argument is over?”
▸ I got upset because _____
▸ And you got upset because _____

14. THINK ABOUT YOUR LAST
ARGUMENT

15. NOW YOU TRY
STEP 1:
AGREE WHAT HAPPENED

16. STEP 2:
OWN YOUR SHIT
AND APOLOGIZE

17. OWN YOUR SHIT
TA K I N G P E R S O N A L R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y
F O R U N D E R S TA N D I N G ,
D I AG N O S I N G , A N A LY Z I N G A N D
S TAT I N G YO U R E M OT I O N S

18. OWNING YOUR SHIT
ASSUMPTIONS
▸ What you feel is OK—no “shoulds”
▸ Emotions come from within; no
one makes you feel anything
▸ You are empowered to understand
and affect your emotions

19. I’M SORRY.
what everyone wants to hear
A WORD ABOUT APOLOGIES

20. CONTEXT
APOLOGIES
▸ In the west, we tend to see
apologies as legal admissions of
guilt or blame
▸ Elsewhere, apologies are social
lubricant
▸ Be vulnerable. Apologize liberally.

21. SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY
SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY
▸ Minx: I’m sorry I wasn’t paying
close enough attention to realize
you were taking about another
movie—I admit I didn’t read the full
article.
▸ LustyGuy: I’m sorry I didn’t check
to make sure I fully understood
what you were saying before I
responded to it.
I’m sorry I wasn’t paying
close enough attention.
I’m sorry I didn’t check to make
sure I understood what you were
saying before responding.

22. THINK OF YOUR LAST
ARGUMENT

23. NOW YOU TRY
STEP 2:
OWN YOUR SHIT & APOLOGIZE

24. STEP 3:
AGREE HOW TO
PREVENT FUTURE
OCCURRENCES

25. STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES
WHAT CAN WE DO TO AVOID?
▸ Minx will listen more carefully and
own when she hasn’t read the
articles. She won’t engage if she
doesn’t have bandwidth for a
thoughtful conversation.
▸ LustyGuy will restate before
responding.
I’ll work to pay more
attention in the future
when something is
important to you.
I will restate what I hear before
responding.

26. THINK OF YOUR LAST
ARGUMENT

27. NOW YOU TRY
STEP 3:
AGREE HOW TO PREVENT
FUTURE OCCURRENCES

28. TODAY’S LEARNING OBJECTIVES
ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS RESOLUTION
1.Agree on what happened
2.Apologize and make amends
3.Agree how to prevent future
occurrences

29. QUESTIONS?
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