Monkey is 60 years old!!!!!

1. Age Is Just A Number
But Monkey's is pretty damn high

2. Happy 60th Birthday!
Some of our favorite meories of you, you oldass
Silverback!

3. You can take the
Monkey out of
Brooklyn...
But you can't take
the Brooklyn out
of the Monkey.

4. Though a silver back, the hair
wasn’t as silvery as others.
The Keenan brothers constantly got the
best of Monkey, one time alternating
pummeling him and rubbing snow in his
face. Thinking his mother would coddle
him, she only yelled at him for losing the
fight.

5. Those Keenan boys....
A pinky ball may look soft but
Monkey knew to get out of the
way of one when tossed by a
creature with such an affinity
for tossing poo.
Unfortunately, the clever Ray
Keenan snapped off
curveballs making Monkey
look foolish repeatedly.

6. Had it not been for the elder
Keenan (Tommy),...
Monkey would have
ruled his
neighborhood in
Flatbush. Alas, Tommy
was there and Monkey
got thrown from the
top of the coal pile.

7. Naivete has always been a
part of his Monkey ways.
Chanting “Blacky!
Blacky! Blacky!” had
everything to do with
the dark-colored
horse and nothing to
do with the driver of
the coal cart.
That's not Amy!

8. Don’t mess with a monkey’s
territory.
Moreso, never mess
with the territory of
Jack the ice cream
man. Monkey and
friends hurled
crackerballs at Mr.
Softee, hitting him in
the head. From then
on, his head was a bit
softee.

9. Monkeys fight injustice
Monkey yelled at
Nana after she hit
him with the
wrong side of the
belt.

10. Romancing the Guinea!

11. The Meeting
Little known to scientists until the
1970s, monkey mating rituals begin
with becoming a spectacle and
embarrassing the object of his
affection. That’s why no one can blame
Monkey for sliding across a cafeteria
table and kissing mom's male friend.

12. America's Most Wanted
Monkey?
Monkey couldn’t draw
his poop-filled hand
faster than a cop could
jack him up against a
car. It was a DWM
(Driving While
Monkey), profiled as
being a murderer.

13. Monkeys hate monkey
stereotypes
That’s why Monkey
pretends to be
cultured. This desire
took a wrong turn
when Monkey took
mom to see Schindler’s
List on Valentines Day.
How’d it go? He doesn’
t want to talk about it.

14. Monkey must've missed
swimming!!!
How else do you
explain the bikini-style
undies he would wear?
(The bigger mystery is
why that’s one of Paul’s
most outstanding
memories of Monkey.)

15. Larger than the average human,
Monkey can’t outdrink a 5-foot-nothing
Italian girl
Monkey passed out with
mom after drinking a bottle
of rye. Mom woke and knew
Monkey had drowned and
people searched for him in a
nearby pond. The story of
Monkey and the Italian may
still be apart of Fairfield U.
lore, except the story
includes a streaking,
shrieking woman.

16. Marking his wife's territory
Monkey can’t
afford to buy a
lighthouse for his
penis-shaped
structure-obsessed
wife. He goes a
more primal route,
peeing on each he
visits.

17. Driving within the lines, like being
correct, bores Monkey
That’s why he
rolled over rumble
strips like a
daytime drunk on
the way TO a
vineyard just to
annoy mom.

18. Monkey Rearing

19. Transformers (Damborners)
Monkey pulled a slick
move, so he thought,
when he bought one of
the hottest toys of the
1980s for two hours
pay. It was great until
Paul discovered it didn’t
transform.

20. Poop Issues
Shortly after high school-aged Paul blamed a
donut for shitting himself and continued to play
basketball, Dad rescued him. Paul’s shitty
underwear may still be on that campus. If not,
that landscaper deserves a raise. (Paul wrote,
‘Saving me after I pooped myself.’ I just picked
one of multiple times that happened in the ‘can
control his bowls era.’

21. Potty Time Battles
At 60, Monkey may be
the oldest little kid in
the world. Will should
prepare to play Star
Wars with light saber
pee streams, a Conlin
family custom.

22. No Opposable Thumbs Up
Hasty decisions aren’t
uncommon with
monkeys. Monkey
decided to rent ‘Ninja
Kids’ from Applause
Video for his two sons
who had a combined
age of 21, the age some
states require to watch
pornography.

23. Another Movie Mishap
Monkeys have the
burden of too much
knowledge and
mistakes are volitional.
That’s the only
explanation for taking
two young sons to see
‘Empire of the Sun’
instead of ‘Batteries Not
Included’ but making it
up with bowling.

24. Homework's a PIA
Monkey demanded
writing clarity on par
with his ability and
destroyed essays with
edits that took longer to
make than it took to write
the first draft. (Suck this,
Monkey. This sentence
was written in the passive
voice by me.)

25. Dukes of Fairfield
Safety standards were
lax in the 1980s, that’s
the only way to explain
two children allowed to
ride in a Gremlin.
Monkey upped the anti
by imitating the Dukes
of Hazard in the Tunxis
Hill Park lot. I wish he
wore daisy dukes.

26. Nautical Challenges

27. Hard Dive
Experience with water
isn’t enough to slow an
excited Monkey. As an
inflatable raft floated
astray, Monkey dove
after it and met the
hard reality of the
Toddy pond floor.

28. Fish Food
One of many nautical
misadventures with his
lifemate, Monkey swam
a capsized sailboat to
shore yelling, “I feel like
bait!”

29. Driving (Mis)Adventures

30. Windows are difficult
Like for politicians,
transparency isn’t a
monkey’s friend. One
afternoon Monkey
would have successfully
dumped the contents of
his coffee out his car
window had it not been
closed.

31. Hair Stinks
Monkeys like their
hair, but it can be a
nuisance. Exhibit 1:
Monkey sets his chest
hair ablaze while
attempting to light a
cigarette while driving.

32. Territorial Monkey
One afternoon Monkey
erred in a parking lot,
and the woman he
inconvenienced waved
her arms in fury.
Sensing a challenge,
Monkey copied her
every move confusing
the enemy.

33. Monkey Vs. Gas
Though they may seem
dour, monkeys are
extremely optimistic.
With a tank low on gas
and fog filling the night
sky, Monkey chanted
“We're gonna make it
to Augusta,” until it was
so.

34. Feats of Driving
Despite lacking
opposable thumbs, a set
of dextrous feet enabled
Monkey to jump start
the blue Civic while
careening backwards
down a hill around a
raised stump.

35. Creative Cursing
Contrary to popular belief,
monkeys have mastered
English, especially in the
form of short, creative,
spontaneous bursts. One
afternoon while driving an
adolescent Monkey yelled at
a rude motorist, “I hope
your c*%t gets caught on a
door knob.

36. And1 Driving
Driving a car heavy with
three kids and a mother,
Monkey underestimated
the car’s weight and
rolled backwards a couple
yards on the Hartford
Civic Center ramp before
a Harlem Globe Trotters
game.

37. Nothing to say but, ‘Monkey!?’

38. Can't Keep A Secret
Monkeys love surprises so
much they can’t keep them
to themselves. That’s why
Monkey wished his new
daughter-in-law a fun time
to Cancun immediately
before her surprise trip.
Perhaps the reason she feels
so comfortable with a family
of monkeys, Kristin still had
no idea where she was going.

39. The Oldest Little Kid
The affinity for fart
jokes isn’t the only
child-like feature of
monkeys. To signal the
start of Christmas
morning to his 25- and
19-year-old sons,
Monkey stomped the
floor and created a
clatter to wake them up.

40. Hear No Alarm
Unlike any other species,
monkeys enter a state of
torpor several times each
day. Even blaring alarm
clocks that could be
heard in the neighbor’s
yard couldn’t stir a
monkey though it sat
only inches away.

41. Softer Side of Monkey

42. Monkey Makes Trips for
Baseball
Monkey curses other
drivers and would much
rather add ‘facts’ to
ReasonsWhyTheMonkeyI
sRight.com, but he made
the trip down to Mary
Washington College for
the CAC tournament in
Brian’s first year back.

43. Dad Gave Paul Diabetes
Monkey set Paul on
the slippery slope to
obesity early. At
Zabar’s, he gave Paul a
knockwurst...on a
croissant...with a Dr.
Brown’s soda.

44. Working in the City
Going to NYC with the
Monkey was the best...
mainly because of
Snipes. The rest was
torture as evidenced by
Brian hiding behind
Monkey’s leg in an
elevator when a co-
worker was near.

45. The Yanks!
Paul may have become
bored before the game
could go into extra innings.
Paul may have been asleep
when they returned home
and the game had just
ended. But he will always
remember going to Yankee
stadium for his first ball
game.

46. Sweep, Sweep, Sweep Your
Shell
Paul is remembered at
St. Mary’s for his
dedication to rowing and
for being one of the
school’s best sweepers.
He will remember his
final regatta when a
camera-toting monkey
drove hours for his last
race.

47. Clumsy Monkey Paws
Perhaps afraid his
gigantic monkey paws
would squish a
newborn baby, Monkey
refused to hold
newborn Will. Makes
you wonder how many
times he dropped Paul
and Brian.

48. Monkey Knows Naps
If Monkey knows one
thing, it’s naps. That’s
why (once he conquered
his fear of holding the
baby) he lulled Will to
sleep by stroking his
forehead and nose.

49. Mail Tampering
Monkey would never open
somebody else’s mail,
unless it’s test results from
Fairfield Prep. Monkey
took his lashings with his
pouty-lipped, eyes-averted
posture he must’ve had
when Bubba Wally busted
him. The look ruined
Brian’s fake anger.

50. Chore Rewards
When it comes to
Monkey making food,
you can never be sure if
it’s a reward or to satisfy
one of his cravings.
Regardless, the hot cocoa
and grilled cheese
sandwiches after
shoveling and Carvel Monkey's idea of a birthday cake.
after beach dinners were
awesome.

51. Monkey Punishments

52. This One Backfired
Monkey’s lack of basketball
ability never became more
apparent than during Paul’s
teenage years. In an attempt to
prove a lesson, Monkey, much
taller and heavier than his son,
played as hard as his monkey
paws would let him. Joke’s on
him. Paul hit a turn around,
tree-assisted hail mary to render
Monkey’s point moo (like a cow’
s opinion).

53. Monkey Like a Missile
You know you stepped
in it when Monkey
says, ‘I’m going
ballistic...I’m ballistic!’
There would be more
to step in after those
words were uttered.

54. The God Damn Pantry Door
No one understands
Monkey’s intricate
insulation and cooling
systems besides him. The
first commandment,
though, is keeping the
pantry door closed, a
lesson Brian learned after
being made to open and
shut it 100 times.

55. Few Words Needed
The
MCDONALD’S
incident...

56. The Staring Punishment
Countless times Monkey
would stomp upstairs
and defuse fights
without a chance for
strike 2. His favorite (or
at least most used)
punishmend: Sit in
silence and stare at each
other.

57. The Dog Punishment
Sit next to Odie or Blue
but just far away
enough where we
couldn’t pet him.

58. Segas Are Sturdy
Besides basketball, Monkey
won’t relent if a
punishment is failing. For
example, he bashed the
Sega controller against the
corner of the couch and
kept doing so, not realizing
the hilarity of a Monkey
bashing something to
punish overreactions.

59. Way to Ruin Ward's Buzz
Who knows what Paul
and Brian did? Ward
didn’t. Monkey was
yelling late one night and
disturbed our drug
dealing neighbor. When
the neighbor yelled in
mockery, Monkey couldn’
Ward always reminded me of
t hold back and unleased Hacksaw Jim Duggan. That's before
I even knew what drugs were.
an ‘F&*# You!’ of his
own.

60. Miscellaneous Monkey

61. It's Legal in Two States Now
Monkey is a law-
abiding monkey except
when it comes to pot.
Then he will take big
hits from an even
bigger bong and keep
the photographic
evidence for decades.

62. Stupid Dog
Though an excellent dog
trainer, Monkey never
taught his English
sheepdogs how to swim.
Enter Monkey stripping
down to his skivvies
(bikini briefs?) and
swimming after Odie and
getting scratched as he
guided him to shore.

63. Disappointing Cookies
Disappointing cookies
are a travesty for the
Monkey. He stomped
out the door and threw
the pan against the
garage with the same
force he flung poo back
in his Brooklyn days.

64. Arm Hanging Low
Overthinking is a part of
Monkey’s life, but perhaps
he should have had more
foresight before launching
a ball from the outfield
fence toward home and at
a Holy Family Little
League practice. His poo
throws haven’t been as
powerful since.

65. UConn Vs. USSR
At an exhibition
between UConn and
the USSR (or Russia)
near the time the
Berlin Wall fell or was
about to fall, Monkey
was the only person in
the arena clapping for
the Soviets. ‘Why?’
Brian asked. ‘They’re
just athletes.’

66. Sabotaging Vacations
Monkey says he likes
Maine and would consider
moving there one day. He
did have a streak of several
years where he either
broke things or had odd
medical ailments (swollen
tooth), probably to ruin
everyone else’s good time
and save Maine for
himself.

67. You Lost the Argument
The napkin toss is
dinner’s QED.
Pretty sure I'm yelling at
Monkey for 'Being
Correct!'

68. Drunk Monkey Thinks He’s Cute

69. Not on NatGeo
Monkeys love lambics.
Monkey demonstrated
this at Paul and Kristin’
s rehearsal dinner.

70. Martin-Conlin Thanksgiving I
The rules of dating say that
boyfriends must make a
great first impression upon
meeting their significant
other’s family for the first
time. Monkey knows there’
s no rules regarding the
father of the boyfriend.
Monkey took advantage of
this loophole to get
trashed.

71. Should've Studied Harder
Monkey never had a
bachelor party, but he
did have sisteen shots of Nothing to
do with
sequila before being that night.
He was in
dropped off at Mom’s Ireland
and
place. He would have presumabl
y drunk
gone to the hospital, but though.
the 1970s were a time of
free love but payphones
that needed coins to call
911.

75. The End