Strategies and tools to help transform your life - improve self esteem, resolve conflict, be more assertive.

1. YOU…
Transform[ED]
Julie Christiansen
www.angersolution.com

2. Transform[ED] is…
 Transformational
education
 Making decisions about your life and
choosing carefully the outcomes you
want
 Trusting yourself and others
 Learning to accept, forgive, and change
 A lifestyle – not a quick fix

3. Who am I anyway?
 Finding
your “Come From” place
 A little about me…
 A little about you…
 What’s up with you right now?
 The value of speaking your truth

4. What’s up with us today?
 Self
Esteem
 The Four Keys to Assertiveness
 Simple Strategies for Resolving Conflict
 Forgiveness and Acceptance
 The Permissions You Give

5. More than a cliché…
SELF ESTEEM IS:
 How
you feel about
yourself
 What you think about
yourself
 The value you place
on yourself

6. Why does Self-Esteem matter?
 The
value you place
on yourself
determines how well
you will do in life
 “I
think therefore I
am!”

7. Where does our Self-Esteem Come
From?
 MESSAGES:
 From
our parents,
family
 From our teachers
 From our peers,
friends
 From the media
 From other
authority figures
 From ourselves

8. Try this activity:
 What
does the media try to make you
believe about yourself?
 What
ads send a positive message?
 What ads send a negative message?
 How do these ads make you feel about
yourself?

9. What Message is SHE sending?

10. Who Has More Courage?

11. The truth is in the eyes…

12. Is What You See What You Get?

13. We are our own worst enemy!
 Negative





Self-Talk:
Makes you feel bad about
yourself
Weakens you physically,
emotionally, and mentally!
(Power Arm Exercise)
Increases your stress
Reinforces negative
messages you heard from
other sources
Causes you to engage in
more negative self-talk

14. Tip #1: Interrupt Your Negative
Thought Patterns
 Thought
 Break
Stopping…
the pattern of negative
thinking through some sort of “jolt”
 Question the validity of the
thought
 Look at things realistically
 Make the choice to expect the
best rather than the worst

15. Tip #2: Become More Aware

Identify Your
Strengths and
Abilities

Look at Areas
Where You Can
Grow

Change What isn’t
Working

Re-Assess

16. Do this exercise!
 What
are your top 3 character traits?
 What are 3 things you are good at?
 What are 3 areas you want to improve?
 What have you been doing so far to improve
those things?
 What is working? What is not working?
 What can you do differently to get a better
result?

17. Tip #3: Be Assertive

18. Four Keys to Assertiveness

19. #1: Intention
 Be
direct, honest, caring, and open
 Beware of your motives!
 Think about what you want to say before
you say it…
 Remember some people would rather be
right than happy. CHOOSE to be happy,
and admit it when you are wrong.

20. Sometimes Assertiveness Means…
 Walking
away
 Choosing to say nothing
 Hurting someone’s feelings
 Saying you’re sorry
 Asking for a second chance

21. Assertiveness never means…
 Hurting
people on purpose
 Showing somebody up
 Getting revenge
 Feeling guilt or shame afterwards
 Not saying what you really want, feel,
think, or need – then feeling resentment
because you didn’t get it!

22. #2: Language
 Some
tips on being assertive:
 Say
“I want, feel, choose, need, think…”
instead of “You make me…”
 Having
a positive self-esteem makes
being assertive easy
 Being
assertive boosts your self-esteem

23. #3: Actions
 What
are some ways we “speak” non-verbally?
 Watch your body language
Make eye contact
 Smile
 Keep your hands relaxed and at your sides
 Don’t block people in
 Respect personal space
 Maintain an even tone, volume and pitch in your
voice


24. More on being assertive…
 Watch
your body language
 Make
eye contact
 Smile
 Keep
your hands relaxed
and at your sides
 Don’t block people in
 Respect personal space
 Maintain an even tone,
volume and pitch in your
voice

25. Tip #4: Leverage Yourself!
 Power
Questions
 Choose
to be in
control rather than
letting others
control you

26. Tip #5: Surround Yourself with SelfEsteem Boosters
 Pictures!
 Music
 Colours
 People
 Other
stuff…

27. Self-Esteem can…
 Help
you make better choices
About living arrangements
 About the people you hang out with
 How you will provide for yourself
 How you will treat other people
 What kinds of jobs you are willing to take
 What things you want to learn
 How you want to contribute to society
 Your short and long-term relationships
 Your negotiables and non-negotiables


28. Self Esteem + Assertiveness =
Great
conflict
resolution skills!

29. Conflict is…

The belief that if
you get what you
want, I can’t get
what I want
 Belief is the basis
of action, which
determines your
outcomes!

30. Exercise…

How can we “reframe” conflict so
that it has a
positive
connotation?

31. Here’s a Great Definition…

32. The TSA Model for Effective
Communication…
T: Think – what is happening? What
does this mean to me? How should I
respond?
 S: Say – I feel/need/think/want…
because…
 A: Ask – for feedback. “How do you feel
about what I’ve just said?”


33. Take Responsibility
E+R=O
 Event + Response = Outcome


Strategies to help you be response-able

34. Strategy #1 “State Your
Problem”
Understand that helping others meet
their needs can help you meet your
needs
 Allow the other party to state his/her
problem
 Good relationships are the first
priority.
 Work to build mutual respect


35. Strategy #2
Listen: Use Empathy




“I hear what you’re
saying”
“I can understand
why you’re upset”
Avoid using “you”
statements
Believe in
innocence




Engage yourself
fully
Use active listening
skills
Stay focused
(centered)
Listen 1st: Talk 2nd

36. Strategy #3
Look for Common Ground





Establish the “facts” of the case
Explore options together
Eliminate the ones that just don’t fit
Be open to other ideas
Work towards that which is mutually
acceptable

37. Strategy #4
Separate the Person from the Problem
Request changes in behaviour only
 Practice: Change these statements to
address the problem rather than the person.
(ASC)




“You’re not interested in helping me.”
“You are the reason I am so angry …”
“You’re more interested in your own issues
than my needs…”

38. Permissions: Try this formula…
 Say:
This is what I see you doing, and I
interpret it to mean…
 Ask: What is your opinion? Do you
understand where I am coming from?
Are my observations correct?
 Clarify: Giving ongoing feedback ~
“When you do _____, do you mean to
_________?”
 Keep asking and clarifying – Set limits!

39. The Floor is Open!
 Any
questions you have
after today, please see
Catherine or Tom – or feel
free to email me at
julie@angersolution.com.
 Thank you!