2012 Women Leaders Conference

1. Co-Workers, Cliques & Conflicts
Dr. Brenda J. Bowers, RN, PhD

2. “more often than men, women
consider the impact of their actions
on how it will impact their
relationships”
Women’s Ways of Knowing (1997)
2

3. What Is Lateral Violence?
Behavior that humiliates, degrades, or
otherwise indicates a lack of respect for
the dignity and worth of an individual
(ICN 2004)
It is the consistent hidden pattern of
behavior designed to
control, diminish, or devalue another
peer (or group) that creates a risk to
health and/or safety
(Quine 1999, Farrell 2005)
3

4. Names for Lateral Violence
• Peer to Peer Hostility
• Incivility
• Bullying
• Horizontal Hostility
• Eating Your Young
• Harassment
• Workplace Abuse
• Interpersonal Conflict
4

5. How Will I Recognize It?
What behaviors constitute lateral
violence?

6. 10 Most Frequent Examples
1. Nonverbal Innuendo (raising of eyebrows, face-
making)
2. Verbal Affront (covert or overt, snide remarks, lack
of openness, abrupt responses)
3. Undermining Activities (turning away, not
available)
4. Withholding Information
5. Sabotage (deliberately setting up a negative
situation)
6

7. 10 Most Frequent Examples
6. Infighting (bickering with peers)
7. Scapegoating (attributing all that goes wrong to one
individual)
8. Backstabbing (complaining to others about an
individual and not speaking directly to that individual)
9. Failure to respect privacy
10. Broken confidences
(Griffin, 2004)
7

8. Overt Hostility Behaviors
 Name calling  Gossip
 Sarcasm  Shouting
 Bickering  Blaming
 Fault finding  Put-downs
 Back stabbing  Raising eye brows
 Criticism  Ignoring
 Intimidation
8

9. Covert Hostility Behavior
• Unfair assignments • Whining
• Eye rolling • Refusal to work with
• Ignoring someone
• Making faces • Sabotage
(behind someone’s back) • Isolation
• Refusal to help • Exclusion
• Sighing • Fabrication
• Criticism without
recommendation
9

10. Hostile Behavior Can Include
1. Hostile
Communication
2. Sabotage
3. Passive/Aggressive
Behavior
4. Narcissism
10

11. Hostile Communication Examples
• Inability to confront issues directly
• Poor inquiry skills
• CAPITAL LETTERS IN EMAIL SAYS, “I’m angry”
• What about……….means, "There is more to be said but I
am not telling”
• Scathing e-mails from a co-worker
– No restraint - speak exactly what they think or feel -
“Off with their heads”
– Cowardice (I won’t say this, I will write it)
– Blaming (takes no responsibility for actions)
– Brutally direct (no regard for others feelings) 11

12. Sabotage
An act or process tending to hamper or hurt;
deliberate subversion.
“I will get you behind your back”
A common behavioral issue in
women-dominated workplaces
MEECE , MICKEY ; Published: May 9, 2009
New York Times, Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work
12

13. Sabotage Example
• Mary does not like her co-worker Nancy who is
very skilled and good at her job.
• Mary does not tell Nancy about changes in the
office that were discussed when she was not
there. She purposely does not send her jobs to
the print shop for completion of her project
and does not tell her. When the materials do
not come in, and Nancy does not understand
the delay, Mary is silent.
13

14. How it plays out in work
relationships
• “Frienemies”
• Exclusivity
14

15. Why Women?
• Boys learn to act out aggression at an
early age in play and sports, girls are often
discouraged from doing the same
DiCicio, Tony and Haacker, Colleen, PhD, (2002)
• Girls tend to prefer “sameness” aka: one
not developing, having or doing more
Mean Girls Grown Up, Dellasega, , 2005
15

16. Why is it?
• Women are taught to work for the welfare of
the group, men are taught to focus on personal
achievement
• Women develop their identities in the context
of relationships – who they are and how they
feel about themselves often come from
friendships and partnerships versus through
pure self worth/esteem/value
P. 21 Dellasega “Mean Girls Grown Up”, 2005
16

17. Facts
• “Women are more likely to
undermine and bully each other in
the workplace than to target a man”
(Heim, Murphy & Golant, 2010)
• In a survey of 60 women, 73% said
bullying in the workplace between
adult women is “common” or “very
common” (Dellasega, 2010)
17

18. Importance of Friendship
• Men often report their best friend to be
their female spouse or romantic
partner which is less true for women
Mean Girls Grown Up, Dellasega, , 2005
18

19. Self - Awareness
• What are your relationships like with
women?
• How well do you manage stress and
anger within yourself primarily and
then with others?
19

20. How Will I Recognize It?
The roles and how they play
themselves out through lateral
violence?

21. The Bully
• The seeds of this relationship style are most
often planted in middle school
• Bullies rarely recognize themselves as such
21

22. The Bully
Characteristics
• Poor self-esteem or egocentric
• Angry – may feel threatened
• Jealous
• Someone treated them badly
Photo source: Thehelpmovie.com
• Poor coping and stress
management
• Wants to win
22

23. Assess yourself… Am I a Bully?
1. I find it hard to create close relationships with
women
2. I have looked for ways to sabotage, intimidate
or get ahead at any cost
3. I am more likely to be irritated than intrigued
by other women
4. I often make the plans, call the shots without
asking for input
5. I cycle through co-workers, employees and
friends quickly
23
Dellasega, Cheryl, Mean Girls Grown Up (2007) p. 33-34

24. If You’re a Bully
Find opportunities to be assertive
instead of aggressive
Assertive in Conflict: Win/Win
Aggressive in Conflict: I win/You lose
If your behavior hurts or takes advantage
of another it needs to change
24

25. The Bystander
• Stands by and watches while others are
abused, shamed or mocked
• Source of bully power: being a “passive-aggressive”
partner
• Longs for acceptance
25
Photo source: Thehelpmovie.com

26. Assess yourself…
Am I a Bystander?
• I enjoy being in the middle of drama
• I use gossip as a way to connect with
others
• I look for ways to stay on the Bully’s
good side and prefer to work behind
the scenes
26

27. If You’re a Bystander
• Walk away from the drama situation
• Focus on problem-solving as a way to
connect instead of gossip
Whatever you put up with you promote
27

28. The Victim/Target
Common targets
– “Subordinates”
– New hires
• In a newly created position or replacement role
– “Different” from everyone in environment
– The “other”
– Interns, graduate nurses
28
Photo source: Thehelpmovie.com

29. Assess Yourself… Are You a
Target/Victim?
• As a young girl I was the victim of other girls
aggression
• Strong women intimidate me
• I will do anything to avoid conflict
• I am in an entry-level role and have little
power or say in my environment
• I’m often suspicious of people speaking
negatively about me
29

30. If You’re a Target/Victim
• While the Bully lashes out as a “preemptive
strike” to prevent others from hurting them, the
Victim may believe the abuse is warranted (self-
esteem, past experiences, role in organization)
• It only continues if you believe you are
deserving of the behavior. If you didn’t believe
it, how would/should you react?
• Report it to a leader or HR
30

31. Ways to Defend Yourself
1) Be aware of it. Labeling it for what it is reduces
its power over you. In other words, “call it out!”
2) Accept that it is not normal behavior and you
have every right to be treated as a valuable and
respected professional.
3) Manage your physical and emotional
expression when you know you are getting
upset or defensive.
4) Remove yourself if necessary to calm down.
5) Control your anger and stick to the facts.
6) Document the interaction.
7) Directly point out the inappropriate
behavior, but don’t attack the bully.
8) Inform your supervisor if you feel threatened.
(Adapted from Broome, 2008)
31

32. Tips for Dealing with
the Bully Boss
If you decide to remain working for this
person ask yourself:
• How important is this job to you?
• What can you tolerate?
32

33. Strategies for Moving Past
The Bully Boss
• Ignore the bait ~ the back handed compliment
• Persist in your goal
• Find alternate routes to success
• Maintain a positive attitude
• Keep the relationship professional
• Connect with other women
• Set boundaries
33

34. The Effects Bullying/Abuse
• Feeling a sense of shame
• Withdrawal from others
• Avoiding stressful circumstances
• Taking impact out on others
• Taking impact out on yourself
• Depressive symptoms like appetite or sleep changes
• Anxiety/excessive worry
• Burn-out/compassion fatigue
• Using alcohol or drugs
• Chronic stress and new health problems
• Suicidal ideation or self-harm behaviors
34

35. Self Awareness
• Have you ever been the
target, bystander or bully?
• What is your relationship style? Do you
tend to be a target, bystander or
bully, or have you been able to find a
balance in healthy relationships that are
encouraging and supportive?
35

36. Gender Differences
Why is lateral violence more
common among women?

37. Anger Expression & Gender
• For women, anger is a very confusing emotion
that elicits feelings of hurt and disillusion.
“Violations of a woman’s core
values, beliefs, or principles provoke her angry
feelings. But her anger, even when produced
by a substantive violation, is often inhibited for
fear of damaging relationships.”
(Thomas, 2003, 104)
37

38. Anger Expression & Gender
• When there is lack of reciprocity of feeling, a
woman’s anger is usually triggered
• Most women are taught as young girls that anger is
unfeminine and unattractive; therefore, anger is
often withheld until it seeps out as either passive
and/or aggressive behavior that can be expressed as
lateral violence
Thomas, SP. 2003. Anger: the mismanaged
emotion. MedSurg Nursing 12(2): 103-110. 38

39. Anger Expression & Gender
• A man’s anger comes from a
perceived affront to his sense
of control and/or his views of
right and wrong. When a
man cannot gain back
control, he tends to withdraw
(Thomas, 104.)
Thomas, SP. 2003. Anger: the mismanaged
emotion. MedSurg Nursing 12(2): 103-110.
39

40. Passive- Aggressive
• “The good twin/bad twin –
both!”
• Exerts control in the
relationship
• Keeps you off guard
• Withholds information
• Messages not received
• Memory of convenience
• Holds you responsible and
they have no accountability
or impact on the event
• Silent then deadly 40

41. Passive
• Avoid Conflict
• “I will DISAPPEAR”
• Apologetic, self-denying, “It’s
ok, you can disregard me”
• Ignores feelings to satisfy
others, “I don’t mind, whatever
you want.”
• Will often feel like the “victim”
• Underlying low self
esteem, anger, frustration
41

42. Aggressive
• I will win…always!
• I dominate…Oh, in case you
didn’t know…I dominate…
always!
• My opinion is most important
always!
• It is all about ME…always!
• Every “always” is at the
expense, degradation and
humiliation of others
– Hostile aggression
– Manipulative aggression 42

43. Hostile Aggression
• Making fun of a person amid a group
• Purposefully bumping into someone
• Name calling
– Behavior witnessed on Jersey
Shore, Basketball Wives and the Desperate
Housewives of Atlanta, Beverly Hills, etc…
series
43

44. Manipulative aggression
• Acting as a shoulder-to-lean-on and then
spreading gossip about what was shared
• Saying things that will sway a group or person
to support disliking another person
– Ex: taking a conversation about parenting out of context
– Behavior witnessed on Jersey Shore, Basketball
Wives and the Desperate Housewives of
Atlanta, Beverly Hills, etc… series
44

45. Assertive
• Expressing yourself and your
rights without violating others
– This is what I think
– This is what I feel
– This is how I see this situation
– This is my experience
• Gives and receives
respect, demands fair play
, leaves room for compromise
when right
• Goes for win/win in conflict
45

46. Gender Differences:
Ways People Lead
Men Women
• Lead by command and • Share power and information
control (military approach)
• Exchange rewards for • Enhance others’ self-worth
service rendered
• Rely on positional power • Encourage participation
(hierarchical)
• Action orientation
• Get others excited about their
• Analytical, linear thinking work
________________
Judy Rosener, Ph.D., Harvard Business Review, 1990
46

47. Gender Diversity
Men Women
• Communicate to • Communicate for “Rapport.”
“Report”, compete, and • Communicate to collaborate
win. and build community.
• Communication is a • Prefer to reach results
contest. gradually. Seek to affirm
• Get to the point quickly. relationship.
Seek results now.
2007, HumanNext LLC
47

48. Managing Workplace Bullying
• Zero tolerance toward violence, bullying, etc...
• Policy that protects employees from retribution if
they report violent or aggressive behavior
• Reinforce problem solving and relationship
management practices (policy must be acted
upon/implementable)
• Leaders should address the behavior immediately
and in a respectful manner with the only bias being
toward “truth”
48

49. Managing Workplace Conflict
• Provide workshops and resources for
staff on constructive and positive
communication
• Encourage team-building
– Provide exercises for people to get to know
each other
– Develop team best practices together
• Call it out
– When its positive (praise it) when its
negative (redirect it)
49

50. Do Not Tolerate
(Can’t just go along to get along)
• Remember: If you permit
it, you promote it! So:
• Confront Secrecy
• Engage Shame
• Speak up and call out
Silent Witness
Improve your communication:
Develop Assertion
50

51. Feedback Model S- B- I- R
Situation
- Articulate the context & frequency of behavior
Behavior
- Provide Data and/or an observable description
Impact
- How are you, team or organization effected
Recommendation
- What will improve the situation
51

52. Ways to Receive Feedback
1. Focus on the message
2. Listen calmly, don’t interrupt
3. Ask questions of clarification
4. Acknowledge the other person’s concern
5. Avoid over explaining
6. Welcome suggestions
7. Leave with an agreed upon plan/next steps
to ensure mutual understanding
52

53. If you want to go fast… go alone.
If you want to go far… go with others.
African Proverb
53

54. Small Group Reflection
Think about a positive experience you have had
working with a woman/women.
1. What type of communication style was practiced?
2. How did you experience a sense of team or
inclusion?
3. What other elements of the interaction made it
positive for you?
4. Do you feel that you use the same/similar
approaches when communicating with others?
5. Is there one thing that you can do differently starting
today that will advance collaborative, positive
encounters with women and reduce/eliminate
lateral violence? 54

55. References
1. American Nurses Association. 2006. Background Report: Workplace Abuse and Harassment of Nurses. Silver Spring, MD:ANA
2. Belenky, Mary, Clinchy, Blythe, Goldberger, Nancy Tarule, Jill, (1997) Women's Ways Of Knowing: The Development Of
Self, Voice, And Mind , Basic Books
3. Broome, B. (2008). Dealing with sharks and bullies in the workplace. ABNF Journal, Winter 2008, 19 (1), 28-30.
4. Dellasega, Cheryl PhD, (2007) Mean Girls Grown Up, Wiley
5. Dellasega, Cheryl PhD, (2011) When Nurses Hurt Nurses: Overcoming the Cycle of Nurse Bullying, Sigma Theta Tau International
6. DiCicio, Tony and Haacker, Colleen, PhD, (2002) Catch Them Being Good: Everything You Need to Know to Successfully Coach
Girls
7. Farrell, GA. 2001. From tall poppies to squashed weeds: Why don’t nurses pull together more? Journal of Advanced Nursing
34(1): 26-33.
8. Felblinger, D. (2008). Incivility and bullying in the workplace and nurses' shame responses, Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic &
Neonatal Nursing; March 2008, Vol. 37 (2) p234-242.
9. Griffin, Martha. 2004. Teaching cognitive rehearsal as a shield for lateral violence: An intervention for newly licensed nurse. The
Journal of Continuing Education in Nursing 35(6): 257-263.
10. Haselhuhn, Michele R. RN, BSN, MSN, CCRN, CEN, EMT-P (2005) Adult Bullying Within Nursing Workplaces: Strategies to Address
a Significant Occupational StressorUniversity of Michigan School of Nursing
11. Hadikin, Ruth and O’Driscol, Muriel(2001) The Bullying Culture, Books for Midwives
12. Heim, Pat PhD, Murphy, Susan PhD MBA, and Golant, Susan (2003) In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among
Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop, Tarcher
13. Kettering Sincox, Ann and Fitzpatrick, Michelle RN, MS, CPNP, Lateral violence: Calling out the elephant in the room, Michigan
Nurses Association www.minurses.org Nursing Practice/Lateral Violence.
14. Meece , Mickey; Published: May 9, 2009 New York Times, Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work
15. McKenna, BG, Smith, NA, Poole, SJ, and Coverdale, JH. 2003 Horizontal Violence: Experiences of registered nurses in their first
year of practice. Journal of Advanced Nursing 42(1): 90-96.
16. McMillan, I, 1995. Losing control. Nursing Times 91, 40-43.
17. Rowell, Patricia, PhD, RN, 2008, Lateral Violence: Nurse Against Nurse
18. Workplace Bullying Institute. (2007). 2007 U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey. Retrieved March 23, 2009 from 55
http://bullyinginstitute.org/zogby2007/zogbyprevalence.html.