1. Assertiveness
The Art Of Being Tactful

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Learning Objectives
 Understand & Distinguish the difference between Assertive, Aggressive, Passive Behaviors.
 Improve Self-Awareness and recognize one‟s improvement areas.
 Learn techniques to be Assertive, saying „NO‟ - setting boundaries.
 Handling „sensitive‟/ „heated‟ / „potentially disruptive‟ conversations
 How to offer Win-Win Solutions?
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Activity: The Balloon Fight
Activity: Group Activity
Time: 5 Mins
Instructions:
•Everyone gets a balloon.
• Destroy all other teams balloons
Scoring:
•Destroying the balloon: 1 point
•Being the last team with maximum inflated balloons: 3 Points
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Defining Assertive
• Assertiveness is the ability to express one‟s feelings and assert one‟s rights while respecting the
feelings and rights of others.
• Assertive communication is appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifies one‟s needs to the
other person.
• Assertiveness is a skill that can be learned.
• Assertiveness should not be confused with aggression.
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Rights
OutcomeBehaviour
Situation
Self Talk
Expectation

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Assertive Vs Aggressive
Expression of ones feelings, needs and
rights without regard/respect for
needs, rights and feelings of others.
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Expression of ones feelings and assert
one‟s rights while respecting the
feelings and rights of others.
Appropriately direct, open and
honest, and clarifies one‟s needs to the
other person.
Employ
disrespectful, manipulative, demeaning,
or abusive tactics
Make negative assumptions others
motives and think in retaliatory terms
Win- Lose
Aggressor goals not always achieved
Stressed relationships with others and self
Win- Win
Goals met or negotiated
Rich & enduring interpersonal
relationships
Assume the best about others. Treat
with dignity.

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When Can You Be Assertive?
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When You
Want something Don’t Want Something
Are Happy Are Angry
Want to give feedback Want to Negotiate
Are Hurt Face Criticism

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What Will It Do For You?
• Helps you become self confident
• Increase Self – Esteem
• Gain Respect of others
• Improve Communication Skills
• Improve Decision Making Ability
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Behavior Types: Self Assessment
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Passive Aggressive
Passive
Aggressive
Assertive

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A Person Exhibiting Passive Behavior
• Communicates inferiority.
• Often feels „used‟ by others, keeps quiet when others take advantage.
• Does not complain when product/services are sub-standard.
• Is reluctant to express opinions and feelings, keeps his/her own views private.
• Finds it difficult to say „NO‟ to others when demands are made on time/resources.
• Agrees with the „majority‟ views/desires, even though they conflict with personal wishes
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Why Do People Behave Passively?
• Fear of Upsetting Others
• Fear of Rejection
• Feel responsible for others feelings
• Inappropriate Inner Voices
(Usually from past experiences or childhood)
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Passive Thought Patterns
1. Self Defeating Games
I. Filtering
II. Peronalizing
III. Generalizing
IV. Dooms Daying
V. Labeling
VI. Mind- Reading
2. Circle of Musts
3. Prison of Inappropriate Obligation
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About Success and Failure
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Negative thoughts
about self
Low Self EsteemActual Failure
Expectations
to Fail
Positive thoughts
about self
High Self EsteemActual Success
Expectations
to Succeed
Failure
Success

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A Person Exhibiting Aggressive Behavior
Communicates an impression of superiority and disrespect for others‟ views.
Often argues, gets angry and thinks others should be „put in their place‟.
Has no problem complaining when expectations are not met.
Usually gets their „own way‟ in situations.
Expects others to accommodate them
Has strong views on subjects & no problem expressing them.
Finds fault with others easily and often.
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A Person Exhibiting Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Appears passive on the surface but is really acting out anger in a subtle, indirect or „behind the
scenes‟ way.
Usually feels powerless, stuck, resentful, and incapable of dealing directly with the object of
their resentment.
Uses facial expressions that don‟t match how they feel, e.g. smiling when angry.
Uses sarcasm.
Denies that there is a problem.
Appears cooperative while purposely being annoying & disruptive.
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A Person Exhibiting Assertive Behavior
Can express his/her own desires, feelings, needs & concerns to others with minimum
embarrassment to all.
Can control own feelings & emotions even when difficult.
Aware of needs and desires of others.
Can converse and work well with people at all levels.
Can appreciate views of others and accept reasonable views.
Can disagree with others and continue to retain friendship and respect, “Agree to Disagree”.
Able to yield to others without feeling inadequate.
Can refuse a request without feeling guilty or obliged.
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Assertive Behavior: The Bill of Assertive Rights
1. I have the right to judge my own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions and to take the
responsibility for their initiation and consequence.
2. I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behaviour.
3. I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to say, ``I don't know.''
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My
Right
s

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The Bill of Assertive Rights
6. I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
7. I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them.
6. I have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
7. I have the right to say, ``I don't understand.''
8. I have the right to say, ``I don't care.''
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My
Right
s

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Activity: Overcoming Roadblocks to Assertiveness
Activity: Group Activity
Time: 10 Mins
Instructions:
•Study the Roadblocks to Assertiveness on Page __of your participant handout.
• Develop an assertive counterpart for each roadblock.
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The Assertive Conversation: LADDER
Look at your needs, wants, rights & feelings about the
situation. Establish a goal for what you wish to accomplish.
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L
A
D
D
E
R
Arrange a meeting that is convenient, where you and the
other person can speak comfortably.
Define the problem clearly to the other person. Be specific
Describe your feelings with “I” messages that let you take
responsibility for your feelings, not blaming others for how
you feel.
Express and explain your remarks in an assertive manner
using clear sentences. Be aware of your eye contact,
hand gestures, posture, voice tone, facial expression.
Reinforce your remarks by noting the positive outcomes.

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The ''I" Statement
 „I‟ statements are among the most powerful you can make, for yourself and others.
 In „I‟ statements you are affirming who you are & what you want.
 Using them is the hallmark of assertiveness.
 The ways in which „I‟ statements can be used:
 Situation
 Interpretation and understanding
 Feelings and emotions
 Wants and needs
 Future actions
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Generating Win Win Solutions
1. Identify your problem and unmet needs
2. Set a specific time to deal with conflict (one that puts both parties in a positive climate)
3. Describe problem and needs
4. Check back with other, in order to ensure understanding
5. Ask other what his or her needs are
6. Paraphrase to make sure you understood
7. Negotiate a solution
8. Follow up on solution that was decided upon
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Negotiating a Solution Together
1. Identify and define conflict
2. Generate a number of possible solutions together
3. Evaluate the alternative solutions together
4. Decide on the best solutions together
Ask the following questions:
• What do we want in common?
• What can we achieve that would put each of us in a somewhat more advantageous position?
• What does each party contribute to the success of the other?
• What can we compromise?
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Employing Tact
Tact is more than the words a person chooses to use.
It is the entire behavior that is displayed during an interaction. It is the ability to listen, refrain
from negative judgments, and demonstrate empathy and understanding for other individuals
Tips on developing the art of using Tact:
• Think before you speak
• Consider the other person's viewpoint and acknowledge it.
• Consider cultural differences and try to act in a sensitive way without being asked.
• Be discreet. Especially when delivering constructive feedback.
• Be gracious even when you're irritated. Keep your cool.
• Deflect negative comments
• Think of positive things to say.
• Be neutral if pressed
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Assertiveness Techniques: Giving Assertive Instruction
The process of asking for what you want is very simple.
The components are:
1. The person‟s name
2. What you want
3. Why you want it
4. When you want it AND
5. The assumptive „Thank you‟
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Assertiveness Techniques: Negative Assertion
• Negative assertion is where you use the power of your protagonist to turn the situation to your
advantage.
• Here, all you do is accept the part of the statement, name or label that is true, in a matter of
fact way.
Example1 :
• Other: ‘If you think that, you must be stupid’
• You: „I admit I‟m not the brightest
person around‟
Example 2:
• Other: ‘And you are always making mistakes’
• You: „Yes, I do make mistakes occasionally‟
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Assertiveness Techniques: Fogging
Used when someone is putting pressure on you to do something that is not in your best
interest, and you would rather not do it.
Process:
- Listen to what the person says, decide whether you wish to comply.
- If not, then using their words, or similar, acknowledge their need but state your case.
- This is a very polite method of saying „No‟.
Example:
Other: „I want it now‟
You: „I can see why you would want that but my priority is ....‟
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Assertiveness Techniques: The Power Of Saying No
A List To Consult Before Saying Yes:
• Do I really want this or am I pleasing someone else?
• What is the benefit to me of saying „yes‟?
• What is the cost of saying „no‟?
• If I do it will I enjoy it?
• Do I have to say „yes‟ or „no‟ right now; is it to my advantage to delay my decision?
• How do I feel about the request?
• Do I need more information before I make my decision?
• Do I want an alternative?
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How to Say No
• Just say „no‟. Do not preface it with an „I‟m sorry but ...‟ or tentative language „I would really
like to but ...‟
• Give an explanation of your feelings: „It does not feel right to ...‟, „I don‟t like to ...‟, „I would feel
compromised to ...‟
• Give an explanation of your reasons: „Because I must do such and such‟, „Because I am
already committed‟, „Because I don‟t have the time‟
• If appropriate thank the person: „Thank you for thinking of me‟, „Thank you for the invitation‟
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So Remember
• I Statements
• A respectful tone of voice
• Eye-Contact
• Appropriate Body Language
• Clear organised ideas
• Facts at hand
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Activity: Role Play
Activity: Paired Activity
Time:
Role Play 7 Mins each
Feedback: 3 Mins each
Instructions:
• Participants to sit in pairs
• Each participants states a situation in which they need to be assertive.
• Participant to use assertive skills and role play the scenario with partner
• Partner to give feedback
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Leading People. Leading Organizations.
Thank you
®
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