Personal Relationships and What Drives Attraction

CHAPTER 10
 What Is Personal Relationship?
 How Are Attachments Developed?
 What Drives Attraction?
 Love and Intimacy
Commitment: Saying Yes and Meaning It
 Responsibilities in a Relationship

What Is Personal
Relationship?

Even before language was invented, pre-historic humans
were already interacting through many other forms of behavior.
They may have learned how to smile or greet each other;
show love, affection, and even loyalty to the group; and hunt
together for food.
This interaction was necessary for survival of the group
where an individual belonged.
Survival was the primary reason why human beings have the
fundamental need to belong.
What Is Personal Relationship?

In today’s world, this need to belong still exists, perhaps
because it has been imprinted in our genetic memory that was
passed on to us by our ancestors.
Belonging to a group generates many benefits like
having a support system when you need some shoulder to cry
on or draw some strength from.
The relationships that are nurtured in a group help each
one of us survive.
What Is Personal Relationship?

HOW DO YOU EXPRESS YOUR
ATTRACTION TOWARD ANOTHER
PERSON?

A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH
FRIENDS IS A SOURCE OF LIFETIME
HAPPINESS.

Researchers have found that relationships
are important to one’s happiness.
The absence of close relationships can
produce a deep negative effect on a individual
who is deny of it, such as feeling worthless,
powerless, and alienated.
A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH
FRIENDS IS A SOURCE OF LIFETIME
HAPPINESS.

BUT HOW DO WE DEFINE
RELATIONSHIP?

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary
defines relationship as:
“The way in which two or more
people, groups, countries, etc., talk to
and deal with each other.”
The definition is extended to include
“the way in which two or more people or
things are connected.”

TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS DEPENDING
ON THE NATURE OF INTERACTION
THAT EXIST BETWEEN TWO OR MORE
ENTITIES
 Business transactional relationship
 Professional relationship
 Family relationship
 Friendly relationship
 Romantic relationship

We can also say that every
relationship has specific objectives or
purpose that a person wishes to pursue,
either because of need, want, or desire.

HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS
DEVELOPED?

The very first meaningful
relationship every human being
encounters is with one’s mother.
Even before birth, the mother-
child relationship is already
established.
HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS DEVELOPED?

The intimacy that is nurtured
during the nine months of pregnancy
will be enhanced and developed
further after the birth of the child.

A careless and non-caring
pregnant mother can affect the child
in the womb, which may leave
psychological and emotional scars even
before the child is born.

Research has confirmed that
emotional experiences of expectant
mothers, particularly strong emotions
such as anger or anxiety, which
produce chemicals in the body such as
adrenaline, affect the child in the
womb.

At the moment of birth when the
child is laid beside the mother to be
fed and cuddled, bonding occurs and
the infant develops an attachment to
the mother, and later on with the
father.

A mother who gazes at her
child’s face and the child responding
with a smile are the foundations of
our sense of physiological and
psychological well-being.

1. SECURE ATTACHMENT
2. AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
3. ANXIOUS-AMBIVALENT
ATTACHMENT
THREE DIFFERENT ATTACHMENT STYLES

1. SECURE ATTACHMENT
 Is when the primary caregiver is the most of
the time present and when all the emotional
needs of an infant are providing a sense of
security to the infant.
 Chances for a child who is exposed to this style
of attachment, grow up to have more secure and
stable relationships.

2. AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
 Is when the primary caregiver is cold and
detached, and even unresponsive to a child’s
need.
 A person who experienced this style of
attachment in infancy and childhood will
oftentimes experience unstable relationships in
the future.

3. ANXIOUS-AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT
 Is when the primary caregiver is not consistent
in terms of presence and in the meeting a child’s
emotional needs.
 A person who experienced this style of
attachment in childhood may develop separation
anxieties with a loved one, or may have mixed
feelings between hesitancy and commitment when
entering into meaningful relationships.

WHAT DRIVES ATTRACTION?
When attraction between two persons is
discussed, it is often understood as based on
physical appearance.
While this might be true to a certain extent,
there is more to attraction that what we already
know.

In the British Broadcasting Company (BBC)
website under Science:
 Human Body and Mind, attraction is the first
stage, and during changes of personality
development it lead to closeness and commitment.

According to the website which referred to the
biological model of love as proposed by
anthropologist Helen Fisher of Rutgers University
in New Jersey:
 Attraction is primarily based on physiology or
certain hormones that persons who get attracted
to others often pick up with their noses.

 Being attracted to another person may also
mean liking their genes that are perceived through
their physical looks.

THREE STAGES OF FALLING IN LOVE
by Helen Fisher
1. LUST
2. ATTRACTION
3. ATTACHMENT

by Helen Fisher
1. LUST
 Is driven by the sex hormones, testosterone,
and estrogen. These hormones affect both
sexes.

by Helen Fisher
2. ATTRACTION
 Is described as the lovestruck phase, which
involves neurotransmitters in the brain such
as dopamine, neropinephrine, and serotonin.
 This is the stage when a person loses sleep
and appetite over someone, and become very
excited to someone while daydreaming of
this special person.

by Helen Fisher
3. ATTACHMENT
 When the couple in love decides to continue
with the relationship, they enter the
attachment stage where long-lasting
commitments are exchanged and may lead to
raising a family

OTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHER
according to Rozenberg Quarterly
1. TRANSFERENCE EFFECT
2. PROPINQUITY EFFECT
3. SIMILARITY
4. RECIPROCITY
5. PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
6. PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS AND
TRAITS

1. TRANSFERENCE EFFECT
 There are times we meet people who we
immediately like or dislike. Usually, these
people remind us of someone in the past who
has affected our sense of self and our
behavior.

2. PROPINQUITY EFFECT
 We often develop a sense of familiarity with
people who live close to us, work with us, or
go to school with us, which leads us to liking
them more.

3. SIMILARITY
 We often like people who we have
similarities with, such as social class
background, religious beliefs, age, and
education.

3. SIMILARITY
 We are often attracted to like-minded
persons and those who have similar beliefs
and values as ours, because the similarity is a
validation of our innermost values and belief
system, and who we are as a person.

4. RECIPROCITY
 We like people who like us back. The more we
are liked by someone we equally like, the
more we behave in ways that promote mutual
feeling of liking.

4. PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
 Several research studies were conducted to
confirm that physical attractiveness is a
major factor in liking someone, and usually,
first impression counts a lot, too.

5. PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS AND TRAITS
 People get attracted to characteristics that
lead to liking the other person.
 Emphatic persons, who exude warmth and
sympathy and who are also optimistic and
maintain positive views; and socially
competent person, who are good
communicators and enjoy good conversations.

LOVE AND INTIMACY
There has been a raging debate over the definition of love.
 Is love a feeling?
 Is love a though?
 Is love physical?
The definition of love is a feeling of deep affection,
passion, or strong liking for a person or thing.

LOVE AND INTIMACY
The American Heritage Dictionary defines love as:
 A strong feeling of affection and concern toward
another person, as that arising from kinship or close
friendship;
 A strong feeling of affection and concern for another
person accompanied by sexual attraction;
 A feeling of devotion or adoration toward God or a god;
 A feeling kindness or concern by God or a good toward
humans;
 Sexual desire or activity: the pleasures of love;

LOVE AND INTIMACY
Based on these definitions, we see angles of what love is?
It is an emotion, a feeling, a virtue, an action, and an
experience. Love is also defined differently in different
cultures.

DIFFERENT COMPONENTS OF LOVE
As theorized in Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
1. INTIMACY
2. COMMITMENT
3. PASSION

1. INTIMACY
 Researchers Reis, Clark, and Holmes and Shaver
defined intimacy as:
“ That lovely moment when someone understands and
validate us. “

1. INTIMACY
o Close Familiarity / Friendship / Closeness
 Researchers Reis, Clark, and Holmes and Shaver
defined intimacy as:
“ That lovely moment when someone understands and validate us. “

1. INTIMACY
 Being intimate with another person is about being open
and vulnerable to that person whom we deeply trust, who
we feel connected with, and who values us with
unconditional positive regard, which is viewing the other
person with complete trust and free of suspicion or
negative thought.

1. INTIMACY
 Communication is a key component in developing intimacy,
where self-disclosure is practiced which leads to
profound and meaningful conservations that nurture and
strengthen intimacy.
 Self-disclosure requires honesty for it to work, and is a
tool in enhancing the love relationship between two
person.

1. COMMITMENT
 Is an act of deciding to consistently fulfill and live by
agreements made with another person, entity, or cause,
and where the values of integrity and respect serve as a
guide to one’s behavior and thinking.
 Commitment in a love relationship is expressed
continuously in caring and loving actions for the beloved.

1. PASSION
 Passion, as defined in generic terms, is the intense state
of being that drives and consumes a person to pursue an
interest, a vision, or a person.
 In terms of romantic love, passion connotes sexual
attraction, as well as intimacy.

STERNBERG’S TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE
Liking
(Intimacy alone)
Empty love
(commitment alone)
Infatuation
(passion alone) Fatuous love
(passion + commitment)
Romantic love
(intimacy + passion) Companionate love
(intimacy + commitment)
Consummate love
(intimacy + passion +
commitment)
Intimacy

Attraction serves as the first step toward liking
someone, and among all the basis of attraction that were
discussed, reciprocity (mutual liking) is what triggers a
couple to move forward romance and intimacy, and
eventually, to commitment.

COMMITMENT:
SAYING YES AND MEANING IT

COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING IT
 We defined commitment as a continuing process of
showing love and care; fulfilling the promises or
agreements made with each other; and through bad times
and good times, the commitment stays firm and in place.

Psychologist have conducted research on
commitment and have identified three variables related
to it (Rozenberg Quarterly):
1. Accumulation of all rewards of the relationship
2. Temptation of alternative partners
3. Investments made by couple in the relationship
This are variables involved in strengthening and
maintaining commitment.

1. Accumulation of all rewards of the relationship
 Considered as the most important determinant of
satisfaction in a relationship.
 Rewards of the relationship include:
 Support from the partner
 Sexual satisfaction
 Emotional
 Financial
 Physical security
 Adventure
 Novelty

2. Temptation of alternative partners
 It was noted that the fewer options a party in a
relationship gets exposed to, the lesser the
possibility of breaking the relationship.

3. Investments made by the couple in the relationship
 These investments may include time spent
together, common beliefs and experiences, mutual
experiences with mutual friends, and bearing
children. It was also discovered that religious
beliefs reinforce commitment.

Researchers identified behaviors married couples
may do that can predict a divorce or separation:
1. Criticism
2. Denial of the existence of conflict
3. Contempt

1. Criticism
 This happens when there is the absence of
unconditional positive regard for each other in a
relationship.
 Constantly finding fault in the other partner will
result in negative feelings and resentment.

2. Denial of the existence of conflict
 When one party eludes the presence of a problem and
refuses to discuss it, as if belittling the problem, it
will result in frustration on the side of the other
party.

3. Contempt
 Like criticism, contempt is present when someone who
looks down on the party as inferior does not give
unconditional positive regard, and aggravates the
situation by expressing superiority over the other
 According to research (Rozenberg Quarterly), this is
the “ultimate expression of disillusionment and highly
predictive of divorce” or separation.

RESPONSIBILITIES IN A RELATIONSHIP
Some important responsibilities that are necessary in
a relationship to make it flourish and stay beneficial
for the parties involved:
1. Be responsible for what you think and say to the
other person.
2. Be responsible for what you promise to do or not to
do.
3. Ensure the relationship is mutually beneficial.
4. Respect the other party or parties involved.
5. Be ready to provide support when needed.

ACTIVITY NO. 1
1. How do you show responsibility in your relationships:
1. When your at home?
2. With the authorities in school?
3. With your friends?
4. With someone you have a romantic relationship
with?

Personal Relationships and What Drives Attraction

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