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2. © 2012, All Rights Reserved First edition The 99 Best Texts of ALL TIME by Bobby Rio
(TSB Magazine) and Rob Judge (Date Hotter Girls, LLC) © 2012, All Right Reserved
Texting Sections
Section1:ResponseBait..............4
Section2:TheDayAfter..............10
Section3:MakingPlans..............13
Section4:GoldenResponses.....18
Section5:GettingSexual...........25
Section6:Situational................30
Section7:RandomHumor.........35

3. This book is copyright 2012 with all rights reserved. It is
illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from
this book in whole or in part or to contribute to the copy-
ing, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this
book. When you purchased this book, you agreed to the
following statement:
“©2012, All Rights Reserved. You understand that the
information contained in this book is an opinion, and
it should be used for personal entertainment purposes
only. You are responsible for your own behavior, and
none of this book is to be considered legal or personal
advice.”

4. T e x t # 9 9
O n e - H i t W o n d e r T e x t
Response Bait
Section 1
Do you like piña coladas and/or get-
ting caught in the rain?
T e x t # 9 8
T h e L o v e c h i l d M a k e r
What are your feelings on having a
lovechild?
4

5. 5
T e x t # 9 7
T h e R e d o r t h e W h i t e ?
What’s your favorite wine?
T e x t # 9 6
G i r l ’ s G o t T a l e n t
I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re an in-the-closet
creative nerd. What secret talent do you possess?
T e x t # 9 5
P u pp y E y e s T e x t
Most important question ever: do you
prefer big dogs or small dogs?
Response Bait

6. 6
T e x t # 9 4
A b s u r d W e e k e n d P l a n s
Weekend’s here! Finally time to smoke some crack, steal
some cars, get busted on a few counts of racketeering, and
maybe bake some gingerbread cookies…what you up to?
T e x t # 9 3
Mu s i c Pi r at e Fi r s t Mat e
Bored at work…give me a good jam to ille-
gally download on the company computer
T e x t # 9 2
T e x t i n g A F o r e i g n e r
Even your texts have a weird accent…
where are they from?
Response Bait

7. 7
T e x t # 9 1
L a u gh i n g @ B a d M o v i e s
Please tell me that you DON’T secretly
go to the Twilight movies
T e x t # 9 0
W e A ll T h i n k I t
Am I the only one who finds perverse pleasure when
assholes from high school get fat? (Thank you Face-
book!)
T e x t # 8 9
I n k e d D ogg y S t y l e
I’m considering getting my dog a tramp
stamp… do you know any good tattoo artists?
Response Bait

8. 8
T e x t # 8 8
Dea d Any way, La s t Res o rt
I feel like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense lol am I
a ghost? Do you respond to texts from dead peo-
ple?
T e x t # 8 7
G oo d L u c k C h a r m
Red or black? Quick!
T e x t # 8 6
L e a r n T o S p e a k W om a n
I just overheard a girl calling some guy a “ran-
dom creeper.” Can you translate this womanese
for me?
Response Bait

9. 9
T e x t # 8 5
S h e ’ s A C h a r m i n g L a s s
What sorts of things do you do when you aren’t
charming the pants off dreamy guys named [your
name]?
Response Bait

10. T e x t # 8 4
A t t a c k of t h e C o u g a r s
The DayAfter
Section 2
Things got pretty wild after you left last night…some ag-
gressive cougar grabbed my butt! And I have the hand-
prints to prove it! –Rob, that dashing man from [venue]
T e x t # 8 3
P o r L a t i n a L o v e
Hola! Encantado de concorele! Mucho
gusto ;) Rob
10

11. 11
T e x t # 8 2
B a d G i r l , G oo d T e x t
Hey badass…when you get bailed out
of jail, hit me up
T e x t # 8 1
U n d e r s t a t e d A w e s om e
For lack of a more Shakespearean first text, just
wanted to say it’s Rob and enjoyed meeting you
last night!
T e x t # 8 0
T e x t i n g A n o n y mo u s
I was trying to kick my text addiction,
but decided to relapse just for you
The Day After

12. 12
T e x t # 7 9
W i l d N i gh t
After last night we owe a large debt
to karma. I’m a little scared.
T e x t # 7 8
S o u l - D e s t r o y i n g F u n
I think I sprained my soul last night
The Day After

13. T e x t # 7 7
D i v e B a r M at h E q u at i o n
Making Plans
Section 3
Monday night = dive bar night. You = my
date. Let’s get a drink later!
T e x t # 7 6
R om a n t i c E x plo r e r
Come join me for a romantic adven-
ture. Will be fun—let me know ;]
13

14. 14
T e x t # 7 5
P ho n e B oo k N o s t a lg i a
Wow, just scrolling through my phone and realize
we never met up. So tragic. Let’s do something
about that; what you doing later?
T e x t # 7 4
S i mpl e D i r e c t n e s s
Drinks? Later?
T e x t # 7 3
N e r d L o v e fo r T wo
There’s a nerdy movie I want to see, but I need
a cute nerdy girl to watch it with…know any?
Making Plans

15. 15
T e x t # 7 2
B a c k t o t h e O l d D a y s
Let’s be traditional and enjoy an old
fashioned drink together
T e x t # 7 1
T h e I r o n C h e f of L o v e
Cancel your plans tonight—I am preparing
you a culinary experience that will rock your
face off
T e x t # 7 0
D e l i c i o u s S u r p r i s e
Tonight I will plan everything. All I need to know
is if you have peanut allergies… everything else
will be a surprise!
Making Plans

16. 16
T e x t # 6 9
C oo k i n g U p L o v e
Slaving over a hot oven for you lady!
What time are you free tonight?
T e x t # 6 8
G i r l W i t h a D og
How about me, you, my dog, and your
dog go on a double date?
T e x t # 6 7
T a k e t h e P l u n g e
Shark week’s over. It’s safe to go out
again. Meet for drinks? Later?
Section Title

17. 17
T e x t # 6 6
M o c k G a n g B a n g e r s
Yo gangsta, when are we gonna go on
that crime spree?
T e x t # 6 5
Dat e Pl a n n e r Compl i m e n t
Will your wit and charm be making an
appearance tonight at [venue]?
Making Plans

18. T e x t # 6 4
Do n ’t Dr i n k t h e Hat e r a i d
Golden Responses
Section 4
Don’t. Hate.
T e x t # 6 3
I n s u l t T u r n a r o u n d
If by inappropriate you mean utterly
charming, then you’re right ;]
18

19. 19
T e x t # 6 2
H e a r T h r u t h e G r a p e v i n e
Can only tell you over a glass of wine.
T e x t # 6 1
S o M u c h i n C ommo n
You like (something you like)?! It’s as
if you know my soul!
T e x t # 6 0
G oo d B a b i s m s t o K n ow
These are good [girl’s name]-isms to
know
Golden Responses

20. 20
T e x t # 5 9
M i s u n d e r s t oo d H u mo r
You thought I was serious. Wow. Let me
explain absurdity over a strong drink…
T e x t # 5 8
T e x t u a l W i s d om
Your texts are always packed with
Confucius-esque wisdom
T e x t # 5 7
N o R e s po n s e B r e a k e r
You know I love shy girls and here you
are acting like one!
Golden Responses

21. 21
T e x t # 5 6
T e x t C ompl i m e n t
You know, our text convos are so good that
100 years from now high school kids will
study them like they now read Shakespeare
T e x t # 5 5
A m a z i n g T e x t s
Where did you learn to text like this? It’s
like you channel the ghost of Voltaire with
your thumbs
T e x t # 5 4
H a r d t o G e t T e x t
Why you always playing hard to get
lady?
Golden Responses

22. 22
T e x t # 5 3
A f t e r a B om b
On a scale from 1 to 10, that text was
abysmal
T e x t # 5 2
F l a k e B u s t i n g 1 0 1
You’re sick? Here’s the cure…STRONG DRINKS
WITH HOT GUYS NAMED [your name]. See you
at 8?
T e x t # 5 1
M a s s T e x t H a t e r
Mass texts are about as polite as
punches in the face
Golden Responses

23. 23
T e x t # 5 0
A f t e r H i l a r i t y
Hilarious! I wish my phone had a
laugh track…that was comedy gold!
T e x t # 4 9
A f t e r S w e e t n e s s
How many other guys did you text
that to? ;]
T e x t # 4 8
A f t e r B u ll s h i t
The lady doth protest too much me-
thinks
Golden Responses

24. 24
T e x t # 4 7
S low T e x t e r
Is the Pony Express delivering your texts?! You
take forever to respond! Don’t think so much
about it—just text!
T e x t # 4 6
R e q u e s t L i n e
Wear the black dress you know I love!
Golden Responses

25. T e x t # 4 5
S e x y C omm a n d o
Getting Sexual
Section 5
Wish you were here to cuddle under a
blanket, drink wine, and watch a Rambo
movie
T e x t # 4 4
P i llow F i gh t C h a ll e n g e
On a scale from 1 to awesome, how would
you rate your pillow fighting ability?
25

26. 26
T e x t # 4 3
Sh e ’s Si c k , Yo u ’r e Si c k e r
You’re sick? Well I’d still make out with you
shamelessly. Even if you had the Ebola virus.
T e x t # 4 2
H o t n e s s R e q u s t
The question is “sexy lingerie?” and
the answer is “yes!”
T e x t # 4 1
H ol i d a y C h e e r
Tis the season to be cuddling…don’t
be a Grinch with your cuddles!
Getting Sexual

27. 27
T e x t # 4 0
C h d d l e C a ll - O u t
How good are your cuddling skills?
T e x t # 3 9
S e x y o r T r a d i t i o n a l
Needed: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline.
It will be a night of greatness or tragedy. Orrrrrrrr
we can just go out to dinner ;]
T e x t # 3 8
F u n n y & S e x u a l
I just want to cradle you in my arms
and feed you applesauce
Getting Sexual

28. 28
T e x t # 3 7
N e w Y e a r s T r e n d s
I heard making out with dreamy guys
named [your name] is IN for 2012
T e x t # 3 6
O b v i o u s l y S e x u a l
Won’t answer that. I prefer to have an aura
of mystique surrounding me and my penis
T e x t # 3 5
C u d d l e T i m e
What are you doing right now and how
can we add some cuddling to that?
Getting Sexual

29. 29
T e x t # 3 4
B a c k t o t h e D a y s . . .
Let’s take a field trip back to the days when
making out was considered “risqué”
T e x t # 3 3
M a s s a g e T h e a r p y
It’s 10:23 on a Monday morning and I’m in
the mood to give some charming lady a mas-
sage…
Getting Sexual

30. T e x t # 3 2
A r r i v i n g t o a D a t e
Situational
Section 6
Just got here… look for man holding the bushel of
flowers in front of the Mexican string quartet play-
ing love ballads in your honor
T e x t # 3 1
B a d D r u n k B e h a v i o r
Drunk me was misbehaving last night. My apologies
for the poor behavior. Sober me gave him a stern
lecture this morning and it WON’T happen again
30

31. 31
T e x t # 3 0
O u t of T o u c h
Sorry I’ve been MIA…working hard so we
can have that house in the hills, white picket
fence, and 2.5 children
T e x t # 2 9
F u n n y N e w Y e a r s T e x t
My New Years Resolution is to start texting in the
third person. [Your name] wants to see you later
for some hot magic at the [venue] .
T e x t # 2 8
W o r k i n g , w i t h L o v e
I have to work tonight but if you end up going
out drinking I would like one courtesy peer
pressure text.
Situational

32. 32
T e x t # 2 7
W i n t e r D a t e T e x t
The colder it gets, the better hot chocolate
tastes. Meet me later for a winter wonderdate.
T e x t # 2 6
B e s t B i r t h d a y T e x t
It’s birthday season! Act surprised when the midg-
et pops out of the cake I sent you…my way of say-
ing happy birfday!
T e x t # 2 5
P r e - G a m e T e x t
WARNING: This is the last sober text you will receive
from me for the night. Admire the grammar, spelling,
and punctuation while it lasts!
Situational

33. 33
T e x t # 2 4
A f t e r M e s s i n g U p
What are you doing Sunday? My lackluster per-
formance last night was intentional: it can only
go up from here!
T e x t # 2 3
C h r i s t m a s J o k e r
I just realized how bossy the guy who sings “We Wish
You a Merry Christmas” comes off. Hope he never got
that figgy pudding, what a demanding prick!
T e x t # 2 2
N e w Y e a r s H i l a r i t y
Text from the future (don’t open until next year)…
wanted to say Happy New Years to you before
you’re bombarded with mass texts…
Situational

34. 34
T e x t # 2 1
R e s po n s i b l e G i f t s
I’m just gonna stay home for my birth-
day. It’s my b-day gift to my liver.
T e x t # 2 0
N o S u b t l y a t A ll
Here’s a hint of the gift I got you: it’s
hard to gift-wrap an orgasm.
Situational

35. T e x t # 1 9
B a d F a c e H a i r D a y
Random Humor
Section 7
My friend just tried to convince me to grow a han-
dlebar mustache. He was overwhelmingly unsuc-
cessful. Do you have any feelings on mustaches?
T e x t # 1 8
Ol d Cr e e p e r Comm e n ta r y
Just saw an old man on a scooter w/ kneepads
checking out babes. Made my morning…
35

36. 36
T e x t # 1 7
M o c k i n g C o r po r a t e
Sweatpants to job interview = poor
life decision
T e x t # 1 6
B e i n g a n A r i s t o c r a t
In the penthouse, listening to Mozart,
sipping aged Scotch, thinking of you
T e x t # 1 5
D i s t a n t M e mo r i e s
I was just reminded me of you.
Wow…
Random Humor

37. 37
T e x t # 1 4
B a s e d o n a T r u e S t o r y
Confession: The Twilight films are
loosely based on my life
T e x t # 1 3
F a m i l y W e i r d n e s s
My grandfather just slipped me a condom.
Our relationship went from 0 to awkward
FAST!
T e x t # 1 2
B e s t L oo k i n g C h i l d r e n
Let’s spawn some Zoolander-looking chil-
dren together…keep your day planner open!
Random Humor

38. 38
T e x t # 1 1
R o c k s t a r s
Let’s start a rock band. Can you learn
the drums by Tuesday?
T e x t # 1 0
S hoo t g u n T e x t i n g
Is it possible to get married over text? Because
if I have another beer, that might sound like a
great life decision
T e x t # 9
F e a r of N i n j a s
There may or may not be a ninja in my
room right now
Random Humor

39. 39
T e x t # 8
S t a r b u c k s M u s i c S u c k s
The music in Starbucks makes me want to slit my
wrists. Please tell me you will join me in my hatred of
sappy Starbucks music!
T e x t # 7
S a t u r d a y N i gh t F e v e r
Tonight you will see the greatest dance moves
from a heterosexual man…OF ALL TIME
T e x t # 6
F u n n y S e lf - D e p r e c at i n g
Actually, you don’t want to see me…. I reached an all
time low drinking 4loco out of a Gatorade bottle
Random Humor

40. 40
T e x t # 5
H ol d o n t o T h a t F e e l i n g
Please tell me you haven’t stopped
believing per the advice of Journey
T e x t # 4
D a y d r e a m s of H e r
Ahh, bored at work. Would much rath-
er be wrestling alligators with you
T e x t # 3
C off e e A d d i c t
I need Starbucks rehab. 3 times today, and
I’m STILL craving some vente love…
Random Humor

41. 41
T e x t # 2
B r e a k f a s t of C h a mp s
Just ate a pancake that changed my
life
T e x t # 1
T h u m b L o v e
Texting you makes my thumbs happy
Random Humor