The PPT slide-deck from our Dec 1, 2015 alumni webinar facilitated by Lory Fischler, an expert on navigating critical conversations in the workplace and in our lives.

1. What to Say and How to Say it
Lory A. Fischler
Leadership Development Services, LL
Phoenix, AZ

3. What’sYour Biggest Challenge?
 Giving constructive feedback?
 Dealing with difficult people?
 Speaking up when you are angry or hurt?
 Or……?

4.  An important issue that is getting in the way.
 A problem that has persisted.
 A conversation you have in your head, or with
others than with the right person.
 An issue that you communicate through body
language and tone, rather than through
conversation.
 An incident that keeps surfacing in your
thoughts.
What is a ‘Tough Conversation?’

5. Think and Write.
 What is theTough Conversation you want to
work on today?

6. Session Outcomes
 Learn how to…
 Prepare for a tough conversation
 Address issues in a climate of respect
 Avoid pushing “buttons”
 Manage conflict effectively
 Come to resolution

7. Meet Karen and Ken

8. Getting Started:
PrepareYourself
Before your tough conversation, ask
yourself:
“What do I really want to achieve?”

9. Is this about me being right?
Am I trying to get them to say they were wrong?
Am I looking for an apology?
Check in withYourself

10. “Begin with the end in mind.”
-Stephen Covey
Where do you want both of you to be at the
end of your conversation?

11. Think and Write
Why do I want to hold this conversation?
 What do I really hope to achieve?
Check in:
 Is this about me being right?
 Am I trying to get them to say they were wrong?
 Am I looking for an apology?
Where do I want both of us to be at the end?

12. UnderstandYourTriggers
 What pushes your buttons?
 The other person’s style?
 The substance/issue?
 The feelings it generated in you about
yourself?

13. 75% of People Are Different
Than You
 Think differently
 Decide differently
 Use time differently
 Work at a different pace
 Communicate differently
 Handle emotions differently
 Manage stress differently
 Deal with conflicting opinions differently

14. Analytical
Analyzing
Driver
Achieving
Being right
Value good thinking
Focus on process, data
Logical
Being the best
Value action and decisions
Focus on end result
Practical
Amiable
Contributing
Expressive
Influencing
Being kind
Value feelings
Focus on appreciation
Supportive
Being influential
Value being included
Focus on the future
Motivational
Style or Substance?

15. Think and Write
• Which best represents your style?
• Which best represents their style?
• What got in the way?
Analytical
Analyzing/Being Right
Driver
Achieving/Being the Best
Amiable
Contributing/Being Appreciated
Expressive
Influencing/Being Influential

16. What’s Behind Our Emotion?
Our Inner Voice
Being competent
Being a good person
Being worthy
Being respected

17. Reflect
 What feelings did this issue tap into for you?
 Being competent
 Being a good person
 Being worthy
 Being respected

18. We All Have a Story
 We are always the hero of our story
 We think they are the problem.
 They think we are the problem.

19.  Ask yourself….
 “In what way might I also
have contributed to this
problem?”
Could I be
part of the problem?

20. Think and Write
In what way might you have
contributed to the problem?

21. • Start With Common Ground1
• State Your Purpose for the Conversation2
• Keep it Respectful3
• State Observations; Share Conclusions4
• Listen to Their Story5
• Work Through the Differences6
• Come to Agreement7
Seven Steps forTough Conversations

22. Step One:
Start with Common Ground
 Talk about…
 What you share together
 What you both stand to gain
 Focus on what brings you together, not what is
keeping you apart.
 Start with “We…”
 “We both care about….”
 “We both want….”
 “I am concerned about… and I know you are
too…”

23.  Write a “Common Ground” opening to
initiate your own critical conversation.
 Hint: Start with “We both…”
Think and Write

24. StepTwo:
StateYour Purpose
What is the real reason for this conversation?
 Avoid “easing in.”
 Get to the point.
 Tell them what you want as an outcome.

25.  Both parties must feel respected and free to express
opinion without repercussions
 Don’t push their buttons
 Don’t accuse
 Don’t attack
 Don’t blame
 Don’t defend
 Don’t let them push your buttons.
StepThree:
Keep It Respectful

26.  Call attention to their tone, words, body
language in a calm, assertive way
 Restate your common ground purpose
(“We both care …”)
 Tell them how their behavior is keeping you
both from getting what you want to achieve

27. Analytical
Analyzing/Being Right
Driver
Achieving/Being the Best
Go slower
Be thoughtful
Use process, data
Be logical
Go faster
Get to the point
Focus on the end result
Be practical
Amiable
Contributing/Being Appreciated
Expressive
Influencing/Being Involved
Be kind
Demonstrate feelings
Focus on their contribution
Be supportive
Be upbeat
About influence
Focus on the future
Be inclusive
Respond inTheir Style

28.  What behaviors best meet their needs?
 What can you do more of?
 What can you do less of?
Reflect and Write

29.  Observations:
 Facts
 Non-debatable
 Conclusions:
 Our interpretation of an experience…..
 Which becomes our “truth”…..
 Which becomes our “story”
Step Four:
State Observations; Share Conclusions

30. Observation or Conclusion?
You come into work
late.
You don’t respect
your co-workers.
You made a
commitment that
you didn’t keep.
You are unreliable.
When I was looking
for support, you
didn’t speak up.
I can’t count on you.

31. We judge ourselves by our own good intention,
But…..
We judge others by their behavior.
What Gets in the Way

32.  Not So Good:
“You come in late on a regular basis. You
clearly don’t care about your team.”
 Better:
“When you come in late on a regular basis,
it makes me think you are not really
committed to our team.”

33.  Jot down your observations
about your situation – the facts.
 Next, jot down your conclusions
– your assumptions .
 Which have you been operating
on?
Think and Write

34. Step Five:
Listen toTheir Story

35.  Fake attention?
 Multi-task during listening?
 Become easily distracted?
 Become emotional or argumentative?
 Judge speaker’s message or delivery?
 Tune out if dry or uninteresting?
 Listen just for facts?
 Interrupt to insert your point of view?
 Listen mainly to find your own opening?
 Run through a rebuttal in your head?
Check AllThat Apply toYou

36. The Payoffs for Listening
 You learn what their real issues are
 You don’t waste time fixing the wrong problem
 If you listen to them, they might listen to you
 Sometimes that’s all they really needed
 90% of the time, it reduces their hostility
 You make them feel like you care
 It gives you time to think

37.  On the table are both issues and feelings.
 Feelings trump logic
 Address the issues only after you
acknowledge emotions
 Avoid behaviors that escalate emotions.
Step Six:
WorkThrough the Differences

38. It’s Not Just WhatYou Say
What We Do Level of Influence
OurWords 7%
Tone ofVoice 38%
Body Language 55%

39. BehaviorsThat Escalate Emotions
 Not listening
 Defending
 Attacking
 Interrupting
 Denying
 Telling them what to do
 Telling them they are wrong

40. Turn Negatives to Positives
NEGATIVES POSITIVES
“You’re wrong!” “I see it differently”
“I disagree with you!” “I have a different take on
that.”
“That’s not true!” “Here’s another way to
look at that.”
“You’ve got to be
kidding!”
“Let me offer another
perspective.”

41. Analyze the IssuesTogether
 What part of their position
 Do you agree with?
 Can you agree with?
 What part of your position can you get them
to agree to?

42. 5 Ways to BreakThrough Conflict
Strategy #1
Think and Talk Like a Mediator
 Use a third party perspective.

43. Strategy #2
Explore and Ask
 Try asking questions rather than demand
and insist
Questions Get Answers; Statements Get Resistance
5 Ways to BreakThrough Conflict

44. Strategy #3
Discuss options, not positions
 Your position is where you have disagreement
 Options give you choices
 Options keep you at the table longer
5 Ways to BreakThrough Conflict

45. Strategy #4
Ask forTheir Help
 Equals the playing field
 Let’s them be in the driver’s seat
 Taps into people’s desire to be helpful
 More likely to get them to act when you tell
them what you need
 Keeps you from telling them what to do
5 Ways to BreakThrough Conflict

46. Strategy #5
Use a credible source to show support
 Neutral, important, respected
5 Ways to BreakThrough Conflict

47.  Summarize your agreements.
 Create an action plan for moving forward.
 Talk optimistically about your mutual future.
Step Seven:
Come to Agreement

48. If You Get Stuck
 Acknowledge that you are stuck.
 Talk about what you have agreed to.
 Agree to return to the “stuck” area at
another time.
 Look “outside the box” for new
strategies that might reveal new
options.

49. TenTips for Success
1. Even if you have authority, speak as a peer.
Don’t let power get in the way. It’s a short
term win.
2. Use “I” statements; Reserve “we”
statements for creating common ground.
3. Make eye-contact at key times to gauge
emotion.
4. Stick to the topic; Don’t add on other issues.
5. Continually check for mutual understanding.

50. TenTips for Success
6. Make sure you both agree on the problem
before moving on to exploring solutions.
7. Balance your talking with listening. Ask a
question. Listen. Don’t interrupt.
8. Ask for their reaction to key statements –
especially if they go quiet.
9. Focus on alternative views rather than
disagree.
10. Talk more about moving forward than
looking back.

51. What people tell us
Good things happened when they…..
 really listened
 set aside personal agenda
 shared personal history
 didn’t lecture or tell the other person what to do
 came with the intention to improve the relationship

52. What people tell us
The Outcome
 They learned something they didn’t know
 They clarified a misunderstanding
 Their relationship improved
 They built trust

53. Questions

54. Insights
 Jot down one new
strategy, idea or insight
that will help you with the
challenges you face with
tough conversations.